hating grad school

[raimunda]

Hi,

 

I just started a master's program in September. and I really hate it, for a number of reasons:

 

1. There are almost no courses offered in my area of interest.

 

2. One of the people in my cohort is kind of crappy to me. She talks down to me, acts like I'm a moron, laughs at me when I get upset, etc.

 

3. I took 2 classes last semester, and both professors seemed to have something against me. One of them especially shot down everything I said--and it seemed like he was looking for a way to contradict me as soon as I started talking.

 

4. Both of these professors had clear favorites (not me). 

 

5. Both of these professors appeared to be sexist. They strongly preferred the male students. (I am female. and btw I'm in a humanities field where there isn't supposed to be so much sexism.) Once one of these male students came to class an hour late without having opened the book we were discussing. He proceeded to talk about something vaguely related for 30 minutes or so and got nothing but "how insightful!" from the professor. Meanwhile I had stayed up half the night reading the book, came to class on time and everything I said was met with "actually, raimunda, here's why you're wrong."

 

6. The funding is worse than I thought it would be. They ask us to pay tuition "from our stipend", yet they ask for ALL the tuition at the beginning of the term and pay us bit by bit, monthly (which means we have to have money of our own saved up in order to pay on time. If we pay late, we get a fee.)

 

7. I just found out we have to pay tuition over the summer even though no classes are offered and we aren't getting paid.

 

It's really demoralizing. I feel like I would really like to study this subject for a long time, maybe forever, but not in an environment like this. I get so upset about it and feel like there's no point... I might as well run away, get a job (seriously, even in retail they treat you better than this) and read on my own. The terrible thing is that I had a pretty crappy life before this, and I was looking forward to grad school as a place where I would finally feel at home, have friends, etc. I do kind of have friends, but I also feel like it's not worth it at all. 

 

I don't know... any advice?

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Are you sure it's not you? I ask because you say you had a crappy life before this. There are people who are just miserable no matter what happens. Are you sure that's not you? Also, are these feelings just your interpretation or are they legit? Are your professors really sexist, do they really favor the male students who just pull things out of their ass, do they really shoot down all the intelligent things you say, do you really say intelligent things, do your classmates really talk down to you, and do they really laugh at you?

[raimunda]

Wow... that was a really mean reply.

 

So I guess as long as I have been unhappy before, I must be unable to perceive anything normally. Maybe I'm also getting paid $5000/month and my attitude is making it seem like less?

 

Maybe the reason crappy things happen to me all the time is people like you, who blame me whenever I suffer and who think that the fact that I am suffering is evidence that I'm full of s***.

[emmm]

I think it is reasonable to leave a situation that is making you unhappy, especially if it is one that you are in at some cost to yourself (even if your funding fully covers tuition, you are losing the chance to actually be making money). Deciding to stay depends on whether the degree is worth the short term sacrifice. You will have to decide that. My graduate program is not perfect, but it does not make me feel miserable day in and day out. Most of the people I interact with are quite nice, but it is still difficult, and if I didn't have an outside support system, I'm not sure I'd be able to stay motivated. Grad school can be rewarding, but it is not guaranteed to be, and even "good" programs can be rough at times. Even if your current experience ends up not being for you, there are most likely places/programs where you would be able to find what you need. The question now is, will staying in this program help get you to the next (hopefully more fulfilling) stage of your life? Good luck!

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

 

1. There are almost no courses offered in my area of interest.

 

 

Did you know this beforehand? Why would you go to a school that offered no classes in your interest? I'm not belittling you. I'm actually curious. These are not rhetorical questions. 

 

 

 

2. One of the people in my cohort is kind of crappy to me. She talks down to me, acts like I'm a moron, laughs at me when I get upset, etc.

 

 

Out of how many total cohorts? Is this person crappy to anyone or just you specifically? Why do you think they're crappy to you? Can you be any more firm with this person to "let them know the deal" and "put them in their place" so that they stop harassing you? If it's just one person and this person is known to be an asshole, ignore them and don't let them bother you. 

 

 

 

3. I took 2 classes last semester, and both professors seemed to have something against me. One of them especially shot down everything I said--and it seemed like he was looking for a way to contradict me as soon as I started talking.

 

 

Are these all the classes you've taken so far at this school? I imagine so since you've only been in since September, unless you're on a quarter system. Did these professors have something against anyone else or just you specifically? And, of course, why do you think so? You can always talk to them and be honest with them. It might just be a misunderstanding. 

 

 

 

4. Both of these professors had clear favorites (not me). 

 

 

This happens. Especially in grad school since students and professors have much closer relationships than in undergrad. Well, you just got there so it makes sense that they might be more familiar with other students. Unless their favoritism results in unfair and unethical things, I don't see the problem. Become their favorite if you want. 

 

 

 

5. Both of these professors appeared to be sexist. They strongly preferred the male students. (I am female. and btw I'm in a humanities field where there isn't supposed to be so much sexism.) Once one of these male students came to class an hour late without having opened the book we were discussing. He proceeded to talk about something vaguely related for 30 minutes or so and got nothing but "how insightful!" from the professor. Meanwhile I had stayed up half the night reading the book, came to class on time and everything I said was met with "actually, raimunda, here's why you're wrong."

 

 

Do other female students think these professors are sexists or is it just you? I'm sure girls talk about things and if you get to know other students, you might get to know how they feel. And maybe the male students who showed up 30 minutes late actually did say something insightful. They made it this far. They're also probably more familiar with the material since they've probably been in the program longer than you. You can't expect to be the smartest student your first semester no matter how much you read the book. 

 

 

 

6. The funding is worse than I thought it would be. They ask us to pay tuition "from our stipend", yet they ask for ALL the tuition at the beginning of the term and pay us bit by bit, monthly (which means we have to have money of our own saved up in order to pay on time. If we pay late, we get a fee.)

 

 

This sucks. Ask other students how they deal with it. I'm sure they're all not rich and living off daddy's money. So you're saying you get paid monthly but have to pay tuition up front? How did you manage to do it these past two semesters? And do you have enough money to live decently? Grad life is not luxurious. All of us are learning to live on very little. As long as you're able to live. Many students take out loans. If you get a stipend, which I imagine you don't need to pay back, then that's much more than the majority of master's students get. Most master's programs are unfunded. All the funding goes to the PhD students. 

 

 

 

7. I just found out we have to pay tuition over the summer even though no classes are offered and we aren't getting paid.

 

 

That sounds really weird. Sounds a little unfair. Once again, you're fortunate that you get paid in the other semesters. It's extremely rare for master's students, especially in the Humanities, to get paid. But having to pay tuition when you're not doing anything seems odd. Are you still allowed to use the research facilities? 

[memyselfandcoffee]

The only reason I would quit a masters is if

a) i realised that I did not like the subject after all

b- decided I would prefer a different career that a masters wouldn't be helpful for

 

I wouldn't leave a masters due to personal problems with both fellow cohorts and staff-- even they are really sexist and out to get you, I'm sure you didn't do a masters to make new friends (it would be nice to make friends obviously but most people do a masters to further their career)

 

And obviously no-one on this forum is in your shoes or knows for sure, but if you have problems with both staff and fellow cohorts and had problems before this, you owe to yourself to take an honest look at yourself an see if you are not somehow part of the problem,,, maybe you are just being a bit over sensitive and paranoid.  I mean, one annoying fellow classmate, so what, everyone has that.

 

what were the reasons you choose this masters? was it to further your career prospects, because you love your subject matter? if so, these reasons probably remain and they are still good reasons to finish the course.

 

good luck 

 

Elise

Edited January 26, 2014 by elise123

[raimunda]

About the courses--I knew there weren't a lot of courses offered in the department in general. But there was supposed to be one offered in my area of interest this spring (as in, now)... but the professor went on a medical leave of absence and the course was cancelled. No one's fault, but I kind of got screwed. (My area of interest is also not that popular, so it probably wouldn't have gotten a lot of courses anywhere.) When I was looking at schools, I mostly looked at professors rather than courses--and there are plenty of professors here who share my interests.

 

The mean person in my cohort is one of three (as in there's me, her and one other). She is generally pretentious and mean to people all around. She particularly makes fun of one guy's english (he's not a native speaker, and neither is she, but her english is better) and really made him feel bad for a while. For some reason people seem to like her a lot despite her weird behavior. (I think part of it is that she is really good at acting. e.g. she laughs 'genuinely' at jokes she doesn't get or find funny.)

 

Last week she did something really crappy to me and knew I was kind of upset about it. So last night I saw her at a gathering and she asked if I was mad, I said "kind of" and she sort of apologized. But I was still upset because she put me in a very difficult situation. I guess it showed on my face and she started pointing at me, saying "oh, she's so upset! Isn't that funny!" and laughing. She also tried to correct my english in front of a professor one time, which was weird because she's not a native speaker and I am (and not surprisingly, her 'correction' was wrong). It's such a strange thing to do, it really made me think she had a problem with me and wanted to make me feel bad. Keep in mind these aren't the only things she's done... these are just two examples.

 

The professors... yup, those are the only two classes I've taken (although the spring term has started, so I've got 3 more at the moment. So far the professors are much better this term.) I also audited another class last semester, and for what it's worth, I think that professor really liked me. With the other classes, it felt like it was just against me for the most part, although one of the professors was tremendously condescending to the 'mean girl' I described earlier. Now she and I both agree that they weren't being fair to us--we got the exact same grades in both classes (and this is not an A, B, C system but a 99, 98, 97 system where getting the exact same grade isn't all that likely). We were kind of thinking that they never bothered telling us apart, since we kind of look alike.

 

you said "Become their favorite if you want". easier said than done! When it feels like everything I say is wrong just because I'm the one saying it, I don't see an easy way out.

 

I haven't talked to the other girls about sexism, so I'm not sure what they think. What I can say is that most of the girls don't talk much during class. I talked more than the others and as far as I can tell, got punished for it. The guy who came in an hour late (an hour! not 30mins) is in my cohort, so he actually doesn't have more experience than me. I really don't know how he could have had fabulous insights on a book he hadn't even begun to read. Sometimes last semester I would be sitting in class thinking about whether I should say the thing I had in mind, because when the professor shot me down it made me feel so bad that after a while I became cautious. But then this guy would happen to say the exact same thing that I was thinking about saying--and he got praised. After enough time saying things and being told I was wrong, no matter how reasonable what I said was, it got kind of obvious. 

 

There's one other weird story I have about the sexism thing. One day all of the male students were absent from one of my classes. And for some reason the professor was much more receptive to what I said that day. I'm not sure what was going on there, but it seemed really strange and not coincidental.

 

The funding is pretty crappy. I think everyone is drawing on previous savings or else taking out loans. (Luckily I have pretty much saved up, so it's not a disaster for me. More of an inconvenience.) The thing that makes me so mad isn't that we don't receive a lot of money, it's the organization of it. Why don't they take tuition out of our pay instead of making us pay before we're paid? Why do we have to pay in the summer when we're not taking classes? (Yeah, we can still use the libraries, but I don't think that justifies $2000.) I really wish this had been more clear in the acceptance letter. 

 

Ok.. this is getting long, so I'll leave it here. Thanks for giving me a second chance.

[raimunda]

Elise,

 

I know that I do tend to get hurt easily, and that's a problem in my life. The thing is... how do I fix this problem? I really have no idea. I've tried everything you can imagine, and probably quite a few things you can't. It's a lot easier said than done. What it amounts to is that I had a really horrible childhood which was mainly the fault of my parents, and as a result I have problems with almost every other kind of interaction in my life. But I've tried so hard to get help, and all I get is hurt worse. For example, a few years ago I saw a psychotherapist who started to help me, I got really attached to him and then he cut me off because there was a session limit at my university. I'm still, years later, dealing with feelings of abandonment and worthlessness because of him. I had seen 4 therapists before him (who hadn't helped), so trying to find another would probably be a wild goose chase. I still tried 2 more times and got hurt still worse. (the person I saw afterwards blamed me for it.) It gets really confusing when seeking help causes more pain, and yet not seeking help doesn't seem to be the answer either. 

 

The problem I have with replies like yours and Gnome's first reply is that it makes it sound like if I wanted, I could just snap out of it and feel great regardless of circumstances. If I had had an easier life I think I would be able to deal with the unpleasantness of my current school situation a lot more easily, but right now it's just adding another huge rock to the weight I carry around daily. When I see that other people in my situation aren't getting treated so badly, and I can't see a way to get the professors to like me no matter what I do, it's just too much to handle sometimes.

 

I really do love the subject matter, and I love the topic I'm planning on writing my master's thesis on. So I don't just want to drop out. But sometimes I feel like... seriously, why can't I just catch a break once in my life?

[raimunda]

emmm,

 

thanks for your reply, it was really kind. I don't know what the right decision is for me, but hopefully I will figure something out.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Elise,

 

I know that I do tend to get hurt easily, and that's a problem in my life. The thing is... how do I fix this problem? I really have no idea. I've tried everything you can imagine, and probably quite a few things you can't. It's a lot easier said than done. What it amounts to is that I had a really horrible childhood which was mainly the fault of my parents, and as a result I have problems with almost every other kind of interaction in my life. But I've tried so hard to get help, and all I get is hurt worse. For example, a few years ago I saw a psychotherapist who started to help me, I got really attached to him and then he cut me off because there was a session limit at my university. I'm still, years later, dealing with feelings of abandonment and worthlessness because of him. I had seen 4 therapists before him (who hadn't helped), so trying to find another would probably be a wild goose chase. I still tried 2 more times and got hurt still worse. (the person I saw afterwards blamed me for it.) It gets really confusing when seeking help causes more pain, and yet not seeking help doesn't seem to be the answer either. 

 

The problem I have with replies like yours and Gnome's first reply is that it makes it sound like if I wanted, I could just snap out of it and feel great regardless of circumstances. If I had had an easier life I think I would be able to deal with the unpleasantness of my current school situation a lot more easily, but right now it's just adding another huge rock to the weight I carry around daily. When I see that other people in my situation aren't getting treated so badly, and I can't see a way to get the professors to like me no matter what I do, it's just too much to handle sometimes.

 

I really do love the subject matter, and I love the topic I'm planning on writing my master's thesis on. So I don't just want to drop out. But sometimes I feel like... seriously, why can't I just catch a break once in my life?

 

I don't really like when people assume they've had the hardest life. I don't know what happened to you and I don't want you to tell me (this isn't a contest), but my parents were both drug addicts who died when I was young and I slept on the New York City trains as a kid. So when you come around here saying things that other people did to you when you were growing up justifies your negativity is a bit insulting. 

 

It also seems like you take things too personally. I'm known on GradCafe to come off as an asshole sometimes, and maybe my original comment was a bit rough, but I don't think it was as mean and unhelpful as you interpreted it to be. The reason I asked those questions was because I just have a hard time believing that everyone in your grad program hates you as much as you made it seem. These are educated and professional people. They don't accept students just to make their lives miserable. Usually when someone feels like the world is against them, I think either 1) it's all in their head, or 2) something about their personality rubs people the wrong way. 

 

And lastly, your attachment and resentment issues seem pretty serious and it makes me think that you would have a similar situation in any grad program. In my opinion, there are two ways to handle the situation: 1) Get the help you need before enrolling in a grad program. 2) Recognize that the grad program (and the people) isn't the problem, and separate your grad studies from your personal issues. 

Edited January 26, 2014 by Gnome Chomsky

[raimunda]

I didn't say my childhood justifies my negativity. What I'm trying to say is that my negativity isn't a choice. I am in constant pain. I can try all I like to be positive, it doesn't work. I do not know how to manufacture feelings, if you do I'd be interested to learn how. 

 

If it's not a contest, why are you telling me what happened to you? Why do you think I would care? It seems like you're saying that your difficult childhood justifies your unkindness to me. It doesn't. You say you don't like it when people assume they've had the hardest life. I did not say that I've had the hardest life possible--those are words you put into my mouth. And yet you make it sound like you've had the hardest life, and that justifies your jackassery. 

 

You're known to come off as an asshole? Maybe it's becaue you are an asshole... just a thought worth considering.

 

I never said everyone in my program hates me. A couple of professors and one student--the other students and the other professors have been fine to me.

 

Get the help I need? Um, I've been trying to do that since I was a teenager with absolutely no luck. Should I just put my life on hold forever?

 

Seriously... I regret posting here. You know how I said that seeking help always comes back to bite me? I guess this is yet another example of it. I was only asking for help. Like it or not, you made me feel worse. There is no good outcome here. Do you really enjoy doing this to people?

[SunDevil22]

Wow. Can you tell me what technique of psychoanalysis you guys use to diagnose people with disorders based on a low number of posts on an internet forum? I'd be eternally endeavored to you.

 

 

Really, what does making comments about someone's supposed inability to cope with x condition and how it must be indicative of some wider psychological or social anomaly add to the corpus of knowledge here? It doesn't.  Raimunda, I'm sorry your question was met with that kind of response.

 

Only you can truly know if your situation is irreversible and what you can do to be happy. If the program isn't doing it for you and you see no positive in sight, then isn't it better to try and find something that does? Life is too short to be constantly miserable about a situation we can change. We already are put through enough crap that we have no say in, why should we place ourselves in situations where we are forced to receive crap when we could remove ourselves.

 

If you really want the master's, think about what it's worth to you. If you don't, then weigh the options of how it will affect your happiness. Only you really know what's right for you, so listen to yourself. Not anonymous people on forums who don't even care or know enough about you to respond amicably. 

 

I don't know why anyone would think this is necessarily her fault or that she's imagining things. My experience with academia has been that academics can be narcissistic, self absorbed type a hardasses with inferiority complexes. Any doubt about the hostile nature of a good number of academics can easily be cleared up by perusing posts on this forum and others like it. Along with medical school and law school, grad school has a certain penchant for having a larger representation of jerks compared to our numbers in society.

 

It is quite possible that she is just in a department/program with complete and utter female-cleansing-products. To start making up phantom diagnoses on limited data is just not really a nice thing to do.

Edited January 27, 2014 by SunDevil22

[raimunda]

SunDevil,

 

Thanks. I was getting to the point of potentially not checking this thread anymore, because every time it did, it made me more upset. You changed that

 

Basically what I was trying to say was that yeah, my life has been difficult and I have a thin skin. But if I were being treated in a fair way in grad school it would be a lot easier for me. (For example... I've been pretty unhappy in life for the past 2 years, in undergrad. But in undergrad I saw a clear way to succeed in my classes: study, learn the material, do the homework, ask the profs for help when I needed it. So I got by in a certain way. It was much more straightforward than this.) As I see others being treated better and no way for me to win the approval of (certain) professors, it can get kind of discouraging. I was hoping for some advice on how to deal with unfair treatment--like, should I confront the professors? Grin and bear it? Try to be that much better than average to make up for it? And I also wanted to know if this was a common experience, or if mine was especially bad. Or again, some "I've had that kind of experience too and I understand how much it sucks" posts. 

 

But anyway... thanks again, SunDevil. You've done your good deed for the day. 

[memyselfandcoffee]

I agree with Sundevil, and I sincerely apologise to raimunda if I upset you.. I applaud your honesty and you bravery in accepting in your limitations ( If you do in fact have any). The only reason I posted as I did was I honestly thought you should consider that you may be over sensitive-- that's not to say other people aren't a-holes at times, or that life is fair- it isn't. I know plenty of obnoxious morans who either exude such confidence or power they are almost popular despite being idiots. And actually I am more likely to be one of those of people who is not super popular, mainly because I am also insecure.

 

I just think you shouldnt throw away a potentially good educational opportunity just because the social side is off--- social life at any job may not be any better.

 

I think gnome chomsky is a bit harsh-- everyones childhood is unique and every reactions depends on may factors.. being homeless sounds very tough, but sometimes emotional abuse form people who are supposed to be your guardians can be even more damaging and head wreaking. I think gnome is being really harsh and judgmental, he has never walked a mile in your shoes so he really can't comment.

 

I wish you well, and tbh you sound like a really nice person with a lot of self-insight---- if this masters has the potential to further your career don't let social stress ruin that for you.

 

Elise

 

 

just saw your latest post, I think focus on getting good grades and excelling, and if there are few profs you get on well with, focus on building relationships with them---- if other profs are being discriminatory, they are not going to admit it (probably event o themselves) and they are unlikely to change--- you just risk making an enemy imo

Edited January 27, 2014 by elise123

[Loric]

Couple notes (mainly for the peanut gallery)..

 

What a school advertises and promises can be vastly different from what actually happens. This includes funding and class availability and general "not being a total jerk" when it comes to advisers.

 

I had an adviser who expected me to work until 3am on a project in his garage at his condo across town despite it being against every rule and regulation at my school (not to work past 11pm, not to work off site and in particular not at the faculty's home). Sometimes they are just raging pricks.

 

A lot of this website is about wanting to get in, so if there's little bits of information that show up which clearly show that getting in is not a picnic, that it's not just hard classes but possibly impossible people and expectations, unfair treatment, and sometimes rampant abuse of the student and broken rules.. well.. people dreaming to get in don't want to see that and react adversely to the message and messenger.

 

"I wouldn't quit."

 

Yes you would, you'd quit when your adviser began to sexually harass you. You'd quit when arguments turned to shouting and then turned to throwing things. You'd quit when your health began to fail from stress. You'd quit when the faculty chose to ignore safety protocols and put your life in danger. You'd quit when ethics were treated like obstacles to funding. You'd quit when you were told to pass a student in your class, despite them obviously failing, because they were related to the dean.

 

Sometimes.. no, often, life is not a cakewalk served up on a silver spoon. People do tend to suck and it's only a matter or making the best of what crap you're presented with - and sometimes the "best" is to leave.

 

Let me know how confident you are that little problems can be glossed over and people are just too sensitive when you're read the riot act for being late because you were re-ended in route while the golden boy struts in even later than you (in the middle of your chewing out) and is praised for the tie he chose to wear.

 

These things have not all happened to me (thank god) but they have happened to people in graduate school.

[St Andrews Lynx]

I've got several thoughts.

 

A. To survive in grad school you need a thick skin and good self-esteem. The place is full of folk with large egos and poor social skills. When people critique your ideas - sometimes very bluntly - it often sounds like they are criticising you as a person. 

 

B. Grad school isn't for everyone. And that's OK. If you decide that it isn't working for you and you wish to withdraw or stop at a Masters...you will have shown a lot better judgement and self-awareness than many.

 

C. Taking time to sort out your mental wellbeing is really important. I don't think the "plough on and hope everything will be OK" is going to work out well. Taking a few years out in your mid-20s isn't a big deal if it means you end up happier in your 30s, 40s & 50s. Grad school is always an option. 

 

D. There's a whole bunch of problems out there. Some we can't control. Some we can. Some we can't control...but are only temporary. A class taught by an asshole professor will only last one semester. You may not be able to "control" a bitch in your cohort, but you can control your reaction to her comments and how much they affect you. 

 

E. Issues such as favouritism are hard to advise about, because they are very subjective. If somebody is a misogynistic asshole then there isn't really anything you can do to change that - just back away slowly. In other cases it does not require much to level the playing field - showing a small amount of interest in their cat photos/niche field might suddenly win you their "favourite" status. I'd always say 'Go ahead and try to win them over...but also be prepared to drop it and walk away'.

 

In your case I would think about the individual issues separately. What things can you do differently that would improve matters? What things are unlikely to change and which you should disengage from? Which problems are temporary (semester-long) and which are going to be with you for the whole course of the Masters? At the end of this semester, will you have any future contact with the unhelpful faculty members, for example? That might help you decide if you want to give it another semester to see if things improve, if you want to continue to get your Masters, or if you want to quit. All of them are valid options.

[Kamisha]

I didn't say my childhood justifies my negativity. What I'm trying to say is that my negativity isn't a choice. I am in constant pain. I can try all I like to be positive, it doesn't work. I do not know how to manufacture feelings, if you do I'd be interested to learn how. 

 

If it's not a contest, why are you telling me what happened to you? Why do you think I would care? It seems like you're saying that your difficult childhood justifies your unkindness to me. It doesn't. You say you don't like it when people assume they've had the hardest life. I did not say that I've had the hardest life possible--those are words you put into my mouth. And yet you make it sound like you've had the hardest life, and that justifies your jackassery. 

 

You're known to come off as an asshole? Maybe it's becaue you are an asshole... just a thought worth considering.

 

I never said everyone in my program hates me. A couple of professors and one student--the other students and the other professors have been fine to me.

 

Get the help I need? Um, I've been trying to do that since I was a teenager with absolutely no luck. Should I just put my life on hold forever?

 

Seriously... I regret posting here. You know how I said that seeking help always comes back to bite me? I guess this is yet another example of it. I was only asking for help. Like it or not, you made me feel worse. There is no good outcome here. Do you really enjoy doing this to people?

 

I’m sorry that you are having such a bad experience. I obviously don’t know you, but I’m going to try to give you my honest impressions of why these things might be happening based on what I’ve observed of your communications in this discussion post. I am not a psychologist, so take it for what you will. I will say that there are a couple of people in my department who are going through similar problems and I’m seeing a similar trend. 

 

The first thing that stands out to me is your statement that your negativity is not a choice. Truth be told, negativity is always a choice. It’s hard to battle through it and sometimes you just have to have negative days, but a positive attitude will do wonders for you. If you genuinely feel like you can’t control it, that is a problem in academia--not because your problems are your fault, but because personal negativity shines through in every situation and, for many people, is a deterrent. It is likely that your professors and colleagues see this negativity and, as a result, take issue with you. It’s also likely that you don’t recognize that your negativity is coming out. A girl in my problem can’t seem to understand why no one (faculty and students alike) have bonded with her or taken an interest in her, despite the fact that she is very intelligent, but the faculty talk about her negative attitude behind her back and it’s going to affect her in more ways than class discomfort; she will have a hard time getting letters of recommendation, etc. Again, I say this not to come down on you, but to try and allow you to see what it is looking like from an outsider’s perspective. My advice would be to go to your DGS or a faculty member or even another and ask them to genuinely tell you how you come off in the department and how to improve upon it. 

 

Truthfully, the comments on this board responding to you have been a little harsh and I realize that you’ve been put on the defensive. That being said, your comments were equally harsh and brutal. You are asking people you don’t know to take an interest in your life. When they respond negatively, it is hurtful; but try to think about why they are responding negatively: is it something in your tone? Is it your attitude toward them? 

 

For me, your tone from the very first post (and remember, I recognize that I don’t know you on a personal level; this is purely perception) came off as very self-depricating, defensive, and self-entitled. If you want to garner sympathy, you need to cultivate a tone worthy of sympathy. I’m going to point out a few lines that may have contributed to the poster's negative perception of you: 

• “...m cohort is kind of crappy to me,” “both professors seem to have something against me,” “both of these professors had clear favorites,” “both of these professors appeared to be sexist,” your narration about the male student who came into your class, "I get so upset about it and feel like there's no point... I might as well run away, get a job (seriously, even in retail they treat you better than this) and read on my own. The terrible thing is that I had a pretty crappy life before this"

​I’m not invaliding any of your experiences in this post, but the way in which you present your story makes it sound as though you feel like you are an innocent victim in all of this and that you are entitled to better treatment. That may be, but there is no evidence here of internal reflection. All of the blame is placed outward and little reflection is given as to why people might feel the need to treat you this way. 

 

In your other posts (wherein you obviously felt as though you were being attacked) you were extremely sarcastic and came off as very bitter. Even though I disagreed with the comments others were making to you, I found myself feeling absolutely no sympathy for you because the way you frame things makes you sound very petulant and unpleasant: 

• "So I guess as long as I have been unhappy before, I must be unable to perceive anything normally. Maybe I'm also getting paid $5000/month and my attitude is making it seem like less? Maybe the reason crappy things happen to me all the time is people like you, who blame me whenever I suffer and who think that the fact that I am suffering is evidence that I'm full of s***."

Your response was worse in tone and cruelty than the original response.

• She is generally pretentious and mean to people all around. She particularly makes fun of one guy's english (he's not a native speaker, and neither is she, but her english is better) and really made him feel bad for a while. For some reason people seem to like her a lot despite her weird behavior. (I think part of it is that she is really good at acting. e.g. she laughs 'genuinely' at jokes she doesn't get or find funny.)

This post makes you sound petty, jealous, insecure, and cruel. I am not saying you ARE these things; I’m saying that is how it comes off. 

• "She also tried to correct my english in front of a professor one time, which was weird because she's not a native speaker and I am (and not surprisingly, her 'correction' was wrong)."

This post sounds not only ethnocentric and somewhat condescending, it again makes you seem insecure and angry.

• "I haven't talked to the other girls about sexism, so I'm not sure what they think. What I can say is that most of the girls don't talk much during class. I talked more than the others and as far as I can tell, got punished for it. The guy who came in an hour late (an hour! not 30mins) is in my cohort, so he actually doesn't have more experience than me. I really don't know how he could have had fabulous insights on a book he hadn't even begun to read."

Again, this feels like a lot of displacing guilt and blame. Rather than saying “I was punished for talking” and making it sound you were a victim, take responsibility for talking in class. That can be a disruption. Also, it really feels like you are devaluing your male peer’s intelligence here. Just he was late doesn’t mean he hadn’t read and, even if he hadn’t, you shouldn’t be so concerned about him. Also, just because someone doesn’t have more experience than you doesn’t mean that they aren’t able to offer valuable insights. 

• Yeah, we can still use the libraries, but I don't think that justifies $2000.

Again, the cynicism here is off-putting. 

• “What it amounts to is that I had a really horrible childhood which was mainly the fault of my parents, and as a result I have problems with almost every other kind of interaction in my life. But I've tried so hard to get help, and all I get is hurt worse. For example, a few years ago I saw a psychotherapist who started to help me, I got really attached to him and then he cut me off because there was a session limit at my university. I'm still, years later, dealing with feelings of abandonment and worthlessness because of him."

I’m sorry that you had a miserable childhood. You anger toward your parents is likely justified. That being said, you are blaming your therapist here for doing their job and meeting their professional requirements rather than focusing on the fact that you are unable to accept the professional boundaries. You say that you are still “dealing with feelings of abandonment and worthlessness because of him.” It’s not his fault; he is a therapist and was doing his job. He can’t continue to treat you always when the university has a limit. Again, this is displacing blame and your tone is very harsh and condemning. It doesn’t garner sympathy. 

• "If it's not a contest, why are you telling me what happened to you? Why do you think I would care? It seems like you're saying that your difficult childhood justifies your unkindness to me. It doesn’t."

Quite honestly, this is hypocritical and flat out mean. You are asking a group of strangers you don’t know to give you insight and advice about your life and are claiming that you are justified in certain behaviors because of your negative life experiences. How, then, do you possibly justify a cruel response like this? I lost all sympathy for you after reading this line.

• "You're known to come off as an asshole? Maybe it's becaue you are an asshole... just a thought worth considering."

Wow. This is very harsh? Have you ever wondered if people think that you come off as an asshole? After reading this, you definitely did to me. Maybe you should also take this comment as a “thought worth considering?"

• "I regret posting here. You know how I said that seeking help always comes back to bite me? I guess this is yet another example of it. I was only asking for help. Like it or not, you made me feel worse. There is no good outcome here. Do you really enjoy doing this to people?"

Again, condescending and self-depricating. How do you expect others to treat you kindly when you come at them with negativity and cruelty?

 

Like I said, I don’t know you personally and can’t effectively comment on your situation. I can, however, say this: if the attitude you put forth daily (even subconsciously) is what it appears to be from this discussion board, I can honestly understand why you aren’t having a lot of professional and personal success in your program. Try to consciously think about your tone and attitude and worry yourself less with the actions and opinions of others. If you feel like you can’t do that, it may be in your best interest to leave academia--a field which is entirely dependent upon having thick skin and persevering despite terrible odds and biases.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you read this message knowing that the intention here is to help and shed light, not attack or criticize. 

[Kamisha]

Sorry...I’m an English scholar. Thus, I’m extremely long-winded. 

[Eigen]

Just as an aside, the reason you're paying 2k in the summer is so you maintain a full time registration status. You'll likely be registering for ~3 credits of thesis research. 

 

If you don't maintain full time, year-long registration status, there are pretty serious tax implications, as you aren't considered a full time student. Most schools also require a full time enrollment for you to be considered a student and progress- registering in the summer when you aren't taking "classes" is pretty typical- I don't know any school that doesn't require it. 

 

As to the financial side of things, it sucks, but what you're getting is actually pretty generous relative to what I'm used to seeing for masters programs. Funding is much tighter, and usually harder to get, especially for MA programs. 

 

I'll also note that while you accuse other people of being mean, you're being as harsh if not moreso than the people you're responding to. 

 

Also, WOW that's a long and detailed signature. 

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Just as an aside, the reason you're paying 2k in the summer is so you maintain a full time registration status. You'll likely be registering for ~3 credits of thesis research. 

 

If you don't maintain full time, year-long registration status, there are pretty serious tax implications, as you aren't considered a full time student. Most schools also require a full time enrollment for you to be considered a student and progress- registering in the summer when you aren't taking "classes" is pretty typical- I don't know any school that doesn't require it. 

 

As to the financial side of things, it sucks, but what you're getting is actually pretty generous relative to what I'm used to seeing for masters programs. Funding is much tighter, and usually harder to get, especially for MA programs. 

 

I'll also note that while you accuse other people of being mean, you're being as harsh if not moreso than the people you're responding to. 

 

Also, WOW that's a long and detailed signature.

I was afraid of that. I have 16 months left of my GI Bill. I figured that should be enough for a 2-year masters program since Fall + Spring + Fall + Spring = 16 months. But I'll most likely have to use it for that first summer as well, so I'll be one semester short. That's even more reason why I'm hoping to get into my top choice (only 1-year) as if there weren't already enough reasons.

[Eigen]

Thankfully, a 3 credit summer research registration is usually pretty cheap. Even with 20k+ semesters, summer grad tuition is only around 2k here. 

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Thankfully, a 3 credit summer research registration is usually pretty cheap. Even with 20k+ semesters, summer grad tuition is only around 2k here.

Well, GI Bill doesn't care about cost. It pays full amount for a certain amount of time. Unless you're saying just don't apply for GI that summer and pay the 2k out of pocket. That's probably what I'd have to do. Smarter in the long run.

[Eigen]

Oh, I was actually thinking about if you ended up with a last summer or something that wasn't covered. 

 

But no practical idea how the GI bill works, either way. 

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Oh, I was actually thinking about if you ended up with a last summer or something that wasn't covered. 

 

But no practical idea how the GI bill works, either way.

Pretty simple. You apply for it. You have a finite amount of time (36 months). If you have months remaining, it pays the full cost of tuition, gives you $75 per class for books, and a monthly housing allowance that gets deposited on the first of each month. The housing allowance varies according to location. New York City is $2,800; Miami is $1,900; Seattle is $1,600 etc.

[LittleDarlings]

OP I think you're entitled to feel how you feel and if other people think its wrong or disagree or feel like it's your fault for whatever reason then screw them. I don't think you should quit unless it's absolutely unbearable though. Good luck!