Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

[EdNeuroGrl]

Anxiety!!!!!

My vent is all about the anxiety.

I've been through this process twice before, and then had to take a 2 year break from academia to be sure this is what I wanted to do (and b/c I didn't know how to get an RA position in a relevant field *facepalm*). To be honest I didn't even know they existed 2 years ago. This whole thing has been me figuring out what the heck I should be doing because I seem to have trouble finding people who can help me figure it out. I have had mentors of a sort but they are always just far enough removed from what I want to be doing that their advice has turned out to be not helpful at all (and sometimes completely wrong). 

 

Only in the past 5 months have I found people willing to talk to me about what I want to do and how I want to do it. Certainly no one who knows me well enough to write me letters or critique my application, but... on the bright side am SOOOO much better off than the first 2 times around, but I am simply terrified that I STILL won't get a chance.

 

I just don't have the money to blow on all of these applications for another year. My cards have been maxed out from the past application seasons and I'm over my head in student debt and frankly my department has no money to spend on master's students. IF I get interviews, they will be literally my last dimes spent on this. 

 

And, ultimately, I am still just kinda fumbling around in the dark. I would kill for a mentor who understood the field and could show me the ropes, but to get one of those I need to be accepted into a PhD program... Uck another catch 22 ya know?

[gingin6789]

@EdNeuroGirl, I totally understand your anxiety!!!!  I've been fortunate to have great mentors in undergrad and here at my master's program.  I can't imagine NOT having them (double negative -- sorry. I don't pay as much attention to my grammar in forums). 

What I truly empathize with is going into debt because of application fees. I want to apply to so many programs, but I've added up the bill of application fees, and it's $520 so far! And that's WITHOUT the two programs that don't have application fees (Well, one of them does, but if I turn in my application before 10/31, the fee is waived). 

I'm aware that many programs will consider waiving the fee if you submit a report of some sort, but doing that on top of everything else (getting together my writing sample,writing SOPs, finding letter writers) ... all while working on my Master's Thesis and being a TA for two classes?? I don't think I have the energy. Maybe I'll just narrow down my list.

Barista, I'll make that a double-shot of espresso, please!

[Need Coffee in an IV]

I'm new here and this discussion is perfect! Here goes my rant..

I just spent 6 hours today studying physics and math and I'm planning on doing so tomorrow. I'm doing awful in those classes, I'm hoping to get Cs, that's how bad it is. I'm already on the lower end of an acceptable GPA, 3.2. It's my senior year and I have to pass these classes. I've contacted several POI but I'm afraid to completely finish my applications because I'm worried about passing these classes. At least my mentor who is also my boss told me he got Ds in physics. He also said that even if I do get Ds, I have too many hours to bring it down below a 3.0. I'm still so worried and nervous. I've had crying sessions on and off for several weeks now.

It also sucks that my boyfriend is so far away. He's in Alaska for his grad school and I'm in Virginia. He has been very supportive and has helped me a lot in some of my classes. Plus he calms me down so I miss him even more when I feel overwhelm. I've gone to help sessions, do practice examples, and got a math tutor. I would get a physics tutor but there are none to be found, I even asked random physics majors. This makes me feel a little bit better.

[mockturtle]

I'm already well into communication with one POI and am incredibly excited about the project he's proposing, the city I could be living in, the field work I could end up doing, etc. We've skyped once, plan to do so again soon, and he's definitely recommending that I apply to the department.

The vent: I'm scared out of my skin at the prospect of starting a program and only then realizing I'm not cut out for it, or the difficulty of the research process, or the atmosphere of academia, or life in general, etc. I'm switching so nauseatingly fast between excitement over the prospect of graduate research & love for the topics, and the soul-gripping fear that I'm making a horrible mistake.

I definitely think I'm being irrational, but I have no immediate way to prove myself wrong, so I've been stuck in this emotional whiplash for a month now. I need to contact more POIs, but have no idea whether that's even the right choice...... albeit, no reason to think it's the wrong one, either. Thanks, brain. 

[Need Coffee in an IV]

@mockturtle I know how you feel. The constant anxiety feels overwhelming at times. What schools are you applying too?

[mockturtle]

@mockturtle I know how you feel. The constant anxiety feels overwhelming at times. What schools are you applying too?

The one school I'm almost certainly applying to is McGill. As for the rest, I'm still figuring that out, since it depends on responses from POIs that I haven't had the guts to initiate conversation with yet..... which is part of what makes this such a problem.

[Need Coffee in an IV]

@mockturtle Yeah that is an annoying catch 22. I've already contacted everyone and my references have submitted their letters already so there's no turning back now... I've had my mentor/boss look over a lot of my introduction emails to make sure I didn't sound like an idiot ha. So I barely had the guts myself. I'll be happy if I'm accepted to any of the schools I'm applying too, but I would be much happier at some schools compared to others.

[Nautiloid]

I think if I keep working 12 hour days every day of the week I'm gonna have a mid-20's stroke. 

[shadowclaw]

I feel very cranky and tired. I'm getting cranky about our money situation because my husband is doing a crappy job finding a job... that sounds funny! Seriously, though, he looks maybe once per week and won't follow up with any of his applications. Mostly I have been filling out applications and sending resumes for him because if I don't, he'll say that he will do it later and then never does. He had an interview at a warehouse for a job that was full-time and had decent pay... I guess he blew the interview, because they e-mailed him saying they decided to hire other more qualified applicants but continue to advertise the position. He had two interviews for part-time custodian jobs, then heard back from both in the same day with job offers. One started immediately with lower pay, the other starts in two weeks. The shifts are compatible with each other, so he could have taken both jobs and he said he wanted to, plus it would have meant having enough money to pay the rent, car payment, bills, etc. plus some extra between the two of us. The next day he changed his mind and told the job that starts now that he accepted another job offer. So instead of earning money over the next two weeks, we have to continue to live off of what I have, which isn't enough. When he finally gets a paycheck sometime in mid-November, we will probably be eating ramen noodles because I only have enough money to pay our rent, car payment, insurance, and utilities. 

We wouldn't even be in this position if this area wasn't so backwards about renting to people from out of town. Almost everyone with affordable apartments said they were uncomfortable renting to someone out of state or refused to let me apply without seeing the apartment first. The only places that didn't care were expensive, which is why we're paying $950 for a small "two bedroom" apartment (the second bedroom is so small you could barely fit a full-size bed and a dresser in it) in another town with no included utilities, when I could have gotten something bigger for $300 less if people weren't so weird about renting. This place also had a $2300 security deposit which didn't help matters.

I'm at the point where I'm thinking about getting a part-time job myself. My funding has no stipulations about working outside of the university, so I'm good to go on that front. I just don't want to, because it will seriously cut down on my available study time, and once summer comes, I need to be out in the field collecting data. Granted, my data collection will primarily be during early mornings so I could potentially work in the evenings, but that's still crappy because field work can be very draining energy-wise. 

I'm also very tired. Reading makes me tired, typing stuff on the computer makes me tired, basically anything that involves me sitting for a while makes me tired, which I feel like I'm doing all the time because there's so much to read and do on the computer. I end up being far less productive than I want, because I feel sleepy and have to get up and walk around for a bit. I also suddenly started getting shin splints in my left leg during the second week of class. Since then, trying to walk quickly gives me massively painful shin splints and sometimes I have to stop and sit because it hurts too much to continue walking. I'm going to buy a new pair of shoes tomorrow to see if that's the problem... my sneakers are completely worn out. 

[gingin6789]

Dude, you know what sucks? Having a freaking chronic illness and then having your doctor start you on a new treatment in the middle of grad school.  Three years ago, I started medicine A.  I was on that for a while, and I went through various doses of med A until med A no longer worked.  Then, I went on a really harsh treatment of injections called medicine X.  People can only take med X for up to a year in their entire life because it causes bone density loss among other things.  Anyway, six months of med X later, my doctor is like "oh, wait for it to leave your system.  If it doesn't leave quickly enough, take medicine B for ten days.  Then, I want you to start up med A again."

... ... ... but med A stopped working before.  And it'll stop working again.  Doc explained that my illness is just "a crapshoot." *facepalm*

Not only that, but the medicine leaving my system means tremendous pain for me! So I get to walk around campus and try to function while in pain/on painkillers.  I have to slow down to a snail's pace to get everything done and save enough energy.  Ugh.

[gingin6789]

I feel very cranky and tired. I'm getting cranky about our money situation because my husband is doing a crappy job finding a job... that sounds funny! Seriously, though, he looks maybe once per week and won't follow up with any of his applications. Mostly I have been filling out applications and sending resumes for him because if I don't, he'll say that he will do it later and then never does. He had an interview at a warehouse for a job that was full-time and had decent pay... I guess he blew the interview, because they e-mailed him saying they decided to hire other more qualified applicants but continue to advertise the position. He had two interviews for part-time custodian jobs, then heard back from both in the same day with job offers. One started immediately with lower pay, the other starts in two weeks. The shifts are compatible with each other, so he could have taken both jobs and he said he wanted to, plus it would have meant having enough money to pay the rent, car payment, bills, etc. plus some extra between the two of us. The next day he changed his mind and told the job that starts now that he accepted another job offer. So instead of earning money over the next two weeks, we have to continue to live off of what I have, which isn't enough. When he finally gets a paycheck sometime in mid-November, we will probably be eating ramen noodles because I only have enough money to pay our rent, car payment, insurance, and utilities. 

We wouldn't even be in this position if this area wasn't so backwards about renting to people from out of town. Almost everyone with affordable apartments said they were uncomfortable renting to someone out of state or refused to let me apply without seeing the apartment first. The only places that didn't care were expensive, which is why we're paying $950 for a small "two bedroom" apartment (the second bedroom is so small you could barely fit a full-size bed and a dresser in it) in another town with no included utilities, when I could have gotten something bigger for $300 less if people weren't so weird about renting. This place also had a $2300 security deposit which didn't help matters.

I'm at the point where I'm thinking about getting a part-time job myself. My funding has no stipulations about working outside of the university, so I'm good to go on that front. I just don't want to, because it will seriously cut down on my available study time, and once summer comes, I need to be out in the field collecting data. Granted, my data collection will primarily be during early mornings so I could potentially work in the evenings, but that's still crappy because field work can be very draining energy-wise. 

I'm also very tired. Reading makes me tired, typing stuff on the computer makes me tired, basically anything that involves me sitting for a while makes me tired, which I feel like I'm doing all the time because there's so much to read and do on the computer. I end up being far less productive than I want, because I feel sleepy and have to get up and walk around for a bit. I also suddenly started getting shin splints in my left leg during the second week of class. Since then, trying to walk quickly gives me massively painful shin splints and sometimes I have to stop and sit because it hurts too much to continue walking. I'm going to buy a new pair of shoes tomorrow to see if that's the problem... my sneakers are completely worn out. 

*hugs, just hugs*

This massively sucks.  I totally feel you on the $950 rent for a "two bedroom."  There's just enough space for really one person to live here. I can't imagine having a roommate in this "two-bedroom" apartment, so I foot the bill myself with this stipend (which is thankfully generous enough to keep me afloat).  

Really really sucks that people are such jerks about renting. Because you're out of state? Really? "Ooh I don't know about her, she lives in a different latitude and longitude, we might not be able to trust her."  Is there some other reason that I'm missing, or is their refusing to rent to you as stupid as it sounds?

*raises coffee to you and toasts to our mutual exhaustion*

[shadowclaw]

*hugs, just hugs*

This massively sucks.  I totally feel you on the $950 rent for a "two bedroom."  There's just enough space for really one person to live here. I can't imagine having a roommate in this "two-bedroom" apartment, so I foot the bill myself with this stipend (which is thankfully generous enough to keep me afloat).  

Really really sucks that people are such jerks about renting. Because you're out of state? Really? "Ooh I don't know about her, she lives in a different latitude and longitude, we might not be able to trust her."  Is there some other reason that I'm missing, or is their refusing to rent to you as stupid as it sounds?

*raises coffee to you and toasts to our mutual exhaustion*

No, it's definitely as stupid as it sounds. I get that some places would want you to see before renting, but honestly that's something that could be waived for someone out of state (especially way out of state like me). Especially since one place told me if I got a student from the university to come look at it for me then I could fill out an application. Like a stranger looking at it for me will make a difference! I am happy to sign something that says I won't try to break my lease if it turns out to be shithole if that's the concern.

As for the people who just can't trust a stranger from across the country... yeah. There are weirdos everywhere. Just because I live 3000 miles away doesn't make me any more or less likely to trash your apartment, stiff you on rent, or whatever else you're thinking.

[knp]

@gingin 

Oh, I am so sorry! There were about two years of undergrad where I was on a lengthy recovery from surgery. A fair number of the professors I had in those years know me primarily as "that girl who cried," since the painkillers I was taking messed with my emotions something major. Sending strength!

[gingin6789]

@gingin 

Oh, I am so sorry! There were about two years of undergrad where I was on a lengthy recovery from surgery. A fair number of the professors I had in those years know me primarily as "that girl who cried," since the painkillers I was taking messed with my emotions something major. Sending strength!

knp, *hugggggs* Thank you for your support and understanding!! I totally know that feeling as well!  All the surgeries and medical tests I had in high school forced me to drop out of high school!  I also tend to be "that girl who cried."  Med X also had really mood swingy side effects ... luckily, the painkillers make me feel foggy more than anything else.  Back in the day, I could take the painkiller I'm taking now and not feel loopy at all.  But, since it's been a while since I've taken it fairly regularly, I'm like "woooo I'm tired!!" 

[gingin6789]

No, it's definitely as stupid as it sounds. I get that some places would want you to see before renting, but honestly that's something that could be waived for someone out of state (especially way out of state like me). Especially since one place told me if I got a student from the university to come look at it for me then I could fill out an application. Like a stranger looking at it for me will make a difference! I am happy to sign something that says I won't try to break my lease if it turns out to be shithole if that's the concern.

As for the people who just can't trust a stranger from across the country... yeah. There are weirdos everywhere. Just because I live 3000 miles away doesn't make me any more or less likely to trash your apartment, stiff you on rent, or whatever else you're thinking.

*rolls eyes to the point where eyes hurt*  Seriously?? You're so right though!!  If a violent criminal (who hasn't been arrested yet) applies for housing and lives in-state, they'll be more likely than you to get housing ... and that makes NO sense!  I totally understand why you're so frustrated!  

[surfgirl87]

My vent for the day:

The undergrads I am teaching complain that I don't give extra credit.  When I give extra credit, they complain ABOUT the extra credit.  WTF?! Either do it or don't do it.  Just stop complaining.  They whine about everything that isn't spoon fed to them.  I don't remember being like that in UG.... am I going crazy?  Who actually complains to the teacher about extra credit?

[shadowclaw]

Went out on Saturday afternoon to go for a nice hike in a nearby national forest and collect some agates from the river. It was a bit of a steep climb to get back up to the trail from the river bed, so I thought I'd see if there was a trail nearby that was a bit easier. I found one that was looked fairly easy but the bottom had been washed out a bit and I needed to climb up a fallen tree to access it. So I started to pull myself up and pushed a rotting log to the side so I could get a good grip... then I felt some pickers poking me in the stomach, which was odd because I didn't remember seeing any plants. I then saw a yellowjacket land on my shoulder and I immediately thought back to the time I stepped on some fire ants and thought I was walking through pickers... and I realized there were no thorny plants around. I jumped back with a small swarm of yellowjackets buzzing around and a few stinging me, so I ran towards the water, preparing for the worst and thinking about the scene from "My Girl" when Macaulay Culkin goes looking for the lost mood ring. Thankfully, they returned to their nest at that point and I was left with my entire torso on fire. Hiking back to the car was miserable, and today I am very itchy.

[SymmetryOfImperfection]

First time working a full day on the weekends.

Edited October 27, 2015 by SymmetryOfImperfection

[Gvh]

HOW can a PhD application have a 450 word limit for a SOP?? I mean, that is intense. Either the applicants have no experience or they don't care about your experience. Either way, it's annoying because I am actually a great fit for the program and I can't even tell them.  Ugh.  /rant. 

Edited October 27, 2015 by Gvh

[dr. t]

HOW can a PhD application have a 450 word limit for a SOP?? I mean, that is intense. Either the applicants have no experience or they don't care about your experience. Either way, it's annoying because I am actually a great fit for the program and I can't even tell them.  Ugh.  /rant. 

This, too, is part of the test.

[Gvh]

This, too, is part of the test.

I can appreciate that, but at this extremity it inevitably limits their ability to determine fit. 

[gingin6789]

Went out on Saturday afternoon to go for a nice hike in a nearby national forest and collect some agates from the river. It was a bit of a steep climb to get back up to the trail from the river bed, so I thought I'd see if there was a trail nearby that was a bit easier. I found one that was looked fairly easy but the bottom had been washed out a bit and I needed to climb up a fallen tree to access it. So I started to pull myself up and pushed a rotting log to the side so I could get a good grip... then I felt some pickers poking me in the stomach, which was odd because I didn't remember seeing any plants. I then saw a yellowjacket land on my shoulder and I immediately thought back to the time I stepped on some fire ants and thought I was walking through pickers... and I realized there were no thorny plants around. I jumped back with a small swarm of yellowjackets buzzing around and a few stinging me, so I ran towards the water, preparing for the worst and thinking about the scene from "My Girl" when Macaulay Culkin goes looking for the lost mood ring. Thankfully, they returned to their nest at that point and I was left with my entire torso on fire. Hiking back to the car was miserable, and today I am very itchy.

Oh noooo!!! I got stung by a bee for the first time in my life about a month ago ... I'm 26!  I was holding onto a railing while walking down some stairs outside, and I felt something sharp pierce my right hand.  I thought I got a piece of metal stuck in my skin and the pain was unlike anything I've ever experienced, so I ran to health services to learn that it was but a bee sting!!  Apparently I had a slightly worse physical reaction than the typical person, but I don't need an epi pen or anything, so I've got that going for me.

[kbui]

I am so glad that I'm not the only one having anxiety over graduate school applications. This year I'm applying to three programs (which totals to seven essays) and then two fellowships (three essays). And because my GPA isn't the best and my GREs aren't the greatest in the world, I just have so much pressure to make my essays perfect.

And plus my family's asking me what I'm doing with my life and when I'm going to get a stable job, and the pressure builds up even more when I see my friends with jobs and stable lives and I'm over here jumping place to place. Sometimes I wish I had the bliss of those who don't have dramatic goals like I do and just work a regular 9-5, drink with friends on the weekend, get married, and vacation here and there once in a while. It doesn't seem so bad especially when I'm amidst crafting essays. Upon essays. Upon essays.

[RCtheSS]

Yeah, graduation school applications are my main source of stress right about now. Applying to six dual degree programs means double the essays and double the hours of sleep lost from now until December.

[kbui]

Really? that sounds crazy! That's also double the amount of anxiety. What are you looking to do in the future? And do most people who are doing it now need the two degrees?