Relationships in Academia

[biotechie]

Exactly... Why put yourself in that position.

I know this guy who moved from Kentucky to Ohio for his girlfriends PhD program. If you love someone why wouldn't you make the sacrifice and effort. Seems dumb to let something like that complicate a relationship.

 

Just because people are dating long distance doesn't mean they don't want to make the sacrifice. Boyfriend tried his hardest to find a job where I was moving, but that area just isn't hiring around here for his level of experience. Otherwise he would be here with me. We both looked at each other and decided that we needed to make sure the other was happy in their career, as that is important to us. Obviously having a career where you feel that you're making a difference isn't something essential to everyone, but it is something important to us. It doesn't "complicate" our relationship; this in itself is a sacrifice for both of us.

 

I think the original poster isn't really concerned with opinions of whether a long-distance relationship is a good idea or not; they're about to embark on one. They want to hear ways that those of us who have done it or are doing it are able to continue the relationship without the luxury of seeing our significant other every day. There have been some wonderful posts about how people make it work, and I think we need more things like that on this thread.

 

Boyfriend and I try to make it a point to Skype at least 3 times a week, and we text throughout the day. We send each other cards in the mail randomly because it is fun to get mail that isn't a bill and we never know when we will get something. I also second the poster who said it is important to visit every few months. The longest I haven't actually seen my boyfriend is about 6 months, but when we visit each other every couple of months, we seem to do fine the rest of the time.

[LittleDarlings]

Just because people are dating long distance doesn't mean they don't want to make the sacrifice. Boyfriend tried his hardest to find a job where I was moving, but that area just isn't hiring around here for his level of experience. Otherwise he would be here with me. We both looked at each other and decided that we needed to make sure the other was happy in their career, as that is important to us. Obviously having a career where you feel that you're making a difference isn't something essential to everyone, but it is something important to us. It doesn't "complicate" our relationship; this in itself is a sacrifice for both of us.

I think the original poster isn't really concerned with opinions of whether a long-distance relationship is a good idea or not; they're about to embark on one. They want to hear ways that those of us who have done it or are doing it are able to continue the relationship without the luxury of seeing our significant other every day. There have been some wonderful posts about how people make it work, and I think we need more things like that on this thread.

Boyfriend and I try to make it a point to Skype at least 3 times a week, and we text throughout the day. We send each other cards in the mail randomly because it is fun to get mail that isn't a bill and we never know when we will get something. I also second the poster who said it is important to visit every few months. The longest I haven't actually seen my boyfriend is about 6 months, but when we visit each other every couple of months, we seem to do fine the rest of the time.

Well for your info I have been in a long distance relationship and if actually went on for a while so I do know what I am talking about. Guess what?? It didn't last because most LDR don't... Just saying. If a relationship was important to some people I just couldn't see them willingly embarking on something so difficult that could ruin it. Simple as that.

BUT it's whatever it doesn't even remotely matter to me so good luck with whatever happens in your relationships or whatever.

Edited February 20, 2014 by CorruptedInnocence

[fuzzylogician]

Well for your info I have been in a long distance relationship and if actually went on for a while so I do know what I am talking about. Guess what?? It didn't last because most LDR don't... Just saying. If a relationship was important to some people I just couldn't see them willingly embarking on something so difficult that could ruin it. Simple as that.

BUT it's whatever it doesn't even remotely matter to me so good luck with whatever happens in your little relationship.

 

CorruptedInnocence, please oh please stop dumping on this thread. 

 

Everyone, PLEASE don't feed the troll. Just ignore and move on. No one needs to defend their life choices to anyone else. 

[DerpTastic]

Well for your info I have been in a long distance relationship and if actually went on for a while so I do know what I am talking about. Guess what?? It didn't last because most LDR don't... Just saying. If a relationship was important to some people I just couldn't see them willingly embarking on something so difficult that could ruin it. Simple as that.

 

I think you're posting advice that seems like you're certain about things. If you have an experience, that's great, but to say things like, "Seems dumb to let something like that complicate a relationship." is fairly opinionated and useless advice. 

 

Not trying to rain on your parade, but you seem to have a, "It physically won't work out" view, when many people have amazing relationships, and make it work. It's good to share your experience with a long distance relationship, but not to let your experiences cloud your judgement of all long distance relationships. @.@

 

Edit: Did not see above post. :| Yarp.

Edited February 20, 2014 by DerpTastic

[PhDerp]

Then let's bring the thread back to relationships!

I've had crazy good luck with avoiding this issue... My SO and I met in college, and we kept leapfrogging back and forth over who's staying nearby for whom. I went from planning to move to San Diego with him when I was done with my bachelor's (two years after he graduated), to planning on staying near Massachusetts when he accidentally found a great career... When most recently, he found out his job would be ending, and the notice came early enough for me to apply to different grad schools! So he's getting paid a retention bonus for staying until his job closes (next January), which means he'll be able to join me in California after my first semester, and he won't have to worry about not having a job right away!!

It's such stupid good luck, and I don't even know what I would have done otherwise. Not that things would have been bad... But I literally can't imagine it, everything fell into place so perfectly

[rising_star]

Why put yourself in that position? In my case, because we were both beyond coursework when we met, attend different universities, and need specific resources not available in the other's location to do the dissertation research. It's really just not as simple as moving to where the other is since you can't transfer at this stage. Their school doesn't have my field at all and vice versa. And, more importantly, I'm invested enough in my advisor and committee and work that I'm not about to drop it just because I'm in love with someone. In our case, deciding that one of us should move to where the other is would mean quitting the PhD for one of us, which is pretty silly at this stage for either one of us. *shrug* We're making do because that's what we have to do. We'll be done soon, which brings its own complications as fuzzylogician and I were discussing earlier, related to the job market and locations. It's a lot to think about but, I'm just taking it one step at a time. My partner is so mired in lab work that they can barely even think through anything outside the lab at this point. We're both at these super-intense points in our work, which makes it harder to commit to anything (the relationship, regular communication, etc.) but we're working on it and through it.

 

And yes to whomever said you have to try to see each other every few months. It is hard but the effort is something you have to do. You have to set the money aside and scrimp elsewhere to save money for flights, work longer evenings sometimes so that when you have a weekend together you can spend it together and not sneaking off to do work, etc.

[astroyogi]

We will be together again this June! My SO has decided to make the move to come live with me for now. We realize we may have to go long distance again as our careers progress but having already been through it it hardly seems as daunting now. Hopefully if we have to do this again we will have more money to spend on visits. My goal at the moment is to obtain the best education possible in order to have more career options later.

 

Yay HockeyNerd, I'm so glad to hear that! I think the farther on you go in your career, the more doors will open, and I hope that means good things for you and your SO congratulations on all of your hard work!

[astroyogi]

There is always the possibility that one of us will draw the shorter stick in some sense, but there is just no way to know what that entails and so no way to talk about it concretely. I think it's better to just acknowledge that and not try to make lots of 'what-if' plans. Things never work out like you imagine anyway. 

 

Yes yes and yes; I agree with you, and am trying to adapt this mentality myself. Even if someone compromises down the road, I think it's vastly preferable to do that after the PhDs and tours around the country and not before.

 

Also if you could contact someone about how those things keep not working out like one imagines, I'd appreciate it. I think it might be a bug in the system. 

[astroyogi]

As for communication, I'm big on the all-day email. As in, I open a reply in the morning and then add things to it throughout the day and hit send sometime in the late afternoon or early evening. Some of it is about my day, some a reply to whatever their last email was, some of it is cool links or articles I came across, some of it is totally random or "hey, this happened and I thought of you." But, it works for us. The emails I get back are similar.

 

If you want to make it work, you can make it work. If it's worth it and if you want it. But, please, whatever you do, don't be(come) one of those people who uses the physical distance as an excuse for turning to someone else for the physical part of the relationship unless you and your partner have previously agreed that it's okay. No one wants to get cheated on.

 

I haven't heard of the regular all-day email, that's a good idea! And heck no, I don't swing that way. I have never understood that, and thankfully neither has he. 

[astroyogi]

 Honestly, I've been too distracted with job stuff to get any serious work done on my dissertation for a couple of months now. No pressure, though. It's only what they'll use to judge your success in the last 5 years of your life and will feature prominently in your apps until you get your first job. 

 

Fuzzylogician, this sounds oodles worse than the grad app&admissions process. I wish you lots of luck, and I'm sorry to hear how much stress this has been causing you. You're putting it into perspective to me, really, I have the better end of the deal here -- he's the one scrambling for post docs. Good luck, good luck and more good luck. I'm sure the dissertation will come out great in the end. 

 

 

For those of you who aren't yet doing long distance but are considering it (ie in the school/job application stage): why not work your career around your relationship instead of the other way around?

 

If you're committed enough to not want to break up, then don't even go into a long distance relationship.  If you're going to be apart for multiple years, what is the point of the relationship? 

 

Like others have said, this is not always an option. My SO is in his last year of his PhD and he's looking for postdocs. He's in high energy particle theory, specifically string theory, a field in which there might be, in a good year, a very small handful of positions available in the entire world. His brilliant, creative mind and passion for physics is one of the very first things that attracted me to him, and in turn, the excitement I have for my field (right now experimental astrophysics, in grad school I'm looking at experimental cosmology or particle astrophysics) is something that he admires greatly in me. Both of us want to strive for jobs in academia, trying to find the holy grail of the tenured faculty position. I doubt we will both end up there, but for the rest of my 20s, that's what I'll be working towards. I started this thread and called it "relationships in academia" not just because we're both getting a graduate education, but because we want to stay in academia, and that's very difficult for a couple. It's not as simple as finding a job in a different city, unfortunately. One day it might be that simple, but not until one or both of us is/are ready to quit being academics and get a real people job. 

 

For me I know I'd rather wait one more application cycle if it meant the possibility of getting in to a program in the same location as my SO, and I'd hope my SO would be willing to spend more time on the job market to find a job in a city with me.  In the meantime either of us taking up a less-ideal job. 

 

In my particular situation, I would need to sit out two whole application cycles before I knew where SO would be, and that might not even be in the country. His next position would only be for 2-3 years anyway, so it feels very silly for me to compromise my life and career for 2 years to (MAYBE) be with him for 2 years before starting it all over again. Instead, in those 4 years I'd be most of my way to a PhD, with the chance that SO could even get a post doc somewhere close when I'm in my second year of graduate school. Anyway, point is, this is not always an option (in fact it is rarely a viable option). 

 

I think the original poster isn't really concerned with opinions of whether a long-distance relationship is a good idea or not; they're about to embark on one. They want to hear ways that those of us who have done it or are doing it are able to continue the relationship without the luxury of seeing our significant other every day. There have been some wonderful posts about how people make it work, and I think we need more things like that on this thread.

 

Yes thank you so much for your kind words and advice. Good luck to you, too! I'm glad you're both making it work and pursuing your dreams. I've been really happy to read all of the great stories on here and it's given me a lot of hope (as well as exciting me about academia as a whole -- there are some kick-ass individuals out there!).

 

It's such stupid good luck, and I don't even know what I would have done otherwise. Not that things would have been bad... But I literally can't imagine it, everything fell into place so perfectly

 

You are living the dream, PhDerp! 

Edited February 20, 2014 by astroyogi

[astroyogi]

Fun facts before I end my posting and response spree: 

 

1) Thankfully SO is flexible enough that he is trying his best to get a postdoc wherever I will be studying next year and/or consider the job market (hopefully he won't have to). He's convinced that the LD won't be too hard or for too long, which is faith inspiring. 

 

2) He's a pilot and flies small planes, so that's really convenient if you live within a 700 mile radius of each other. [insert plane emoji here]

Edited February 20, 2014 by astroyogi

[PhDerp]

Fun facts before I end my posting and response spree: 

 

1) Thankfully SO is flexible enough that he is trying his best to get a postdoc wherever I will be studying next year and/or consider the job market (hopefully he won't have to). He's convinced that the LD won't be too hard or for too long, which is faith inspiring. 

 

2) He's a pilot and flies small planes, so that's really convenient if you live within a 700 mile radius of each other. [insert plane emoji here]

 

That's... Actually really freakin' cool.

 

Good luck to you two!

[pohks]

Fun facts before I end my posting and response spree: 

 

2) He's a pilot and flies small planes, so that's really convenient if you live within a 700 mile radius of each other. [insert plane emoji here]

Oh wow, that certainly helps a lot!

I've been in a LDR with my SO since July. He started his PhD in the US last fall and I stayed in his home country. Why didn't I apply last year, too? I have a fixed-term contract that I didn't want to terminate, which is why I decided to stay here for another year and apply during this cycle instead.

I have been in a LDR before, and it didn't work out too well, as neither of us was committed enough. Now, however, everything has gone surprisingly smoothly. We text constantly (WhatsApp is good especially if you are in different countries), and try to talk on Skype at least a couple of times a week. Sometimes on weekends we talk on Skype for hours, maybe grab a beer or two, and it almost feels like we were hanging out for real (although the physical part is obviously lacking). He's really thoughtful - it certainly was a nice surprise to have flowers delivered to the office last Friday - and we have a strong mutual trust, which is essential in any relationship but especially so in a long distance one.

As several people here have mentioned, it's important to see each other as frequently as possible. I try to visit my SO every two months or so, and he spent the Christmas here. It also helps if you know that the situation is temporary and will only last for X time. I'm excited to know that from August on, I'll be within a 300 mile radius from my SO.

Seems like in your case, you are both very committed to making things work whether or not you end up in a long distance relationship. All the best!

[gr8pumpkin]

After I got what I thought would be my terminal degree (heh, another story) my wife and I ended up living with her parents.  It drove me absolutely bat-you-know-what crazy.  When I was offered a one-semester teaching gig in another city, I jumped at the chance, because otherwise we were looking at a trial separation.  That one semester away possibly saved our marriage.  I was offered another three years to teach at the same school, and we wound up locating there away from her parents and financially independent (more or less) from them.  It worked out incredibly well just when I thought we were at the brink.

 

I guess my point is that everything's relative--- there could be a worse situation, and a certain finite amount of time apart can actually improve things.

[bathingintheneon]

I am SO glad I found this thread! My boyfriend of 3 years and I are about to embark on a LDR for the foreseeable future (at least the next year, but maybe longer). We were both born and raised in NC, and he knew when we started dating that I would be going to graduate school for my PhD. At this point, I'm pretty sure that I'll be going to the University of Washington in Seattle. It was by-far the best program for me, even though it is across the country. 

 

We both recognize that a LDR relationship will be difficult, but we are willing to give it a try for a year and then re-evaluate our relationship. Right now, he's not moving because of his work (he's a music teacher and it would be difficult to rebuild his client-base with his level of experience). I think he might move in a year or so, but it's not certain. Right now, his work and his dream are in our home state, and it's not in his benefit to move just yet.

 

My undergraduate advisor (who moved from LA to Cornell for graduate school, even though that meant leaving her boyfriend (now husband) of 5 years behind) gave me some great advice. She said at the end of the day, you have to live with YOURSELF. It's okay to be selfish, because it is your life and your dream. She said that if her husband didn't propose, then someone else would have. I don't believe in soul mates, so I definitely see and agree with what she's saying. I want to be married to someone who will love me no matter the distance, no matter what gets thrown at us. I wish graduate school wasn't a "test" in this sense, but it kind of is.

 

Even though it's incredibly painful to think about life without my boyfriend, I know that if our relationship didn't work out, and I had stayed on the east coast just for him, I would regret that decision for the rest of my life. 

[bathingintheneon]

Also, I'm sick of having to hear from everyone (from my best friend to the IT guy) that our relationship won't last. It makes me very sad.

[bathingintheneon]

Woah, are you me? My bf and I were born and raised in NC and have been dating for two years. I'll be starting a program in the fall, most likely one that is about 8 hours away (drive-able, but not for just a weekend). He also has to stay behind for at least a year for work, and then will TRY to relocate IF he can find a job equivalent to his current position/salary. We both agree that for both of us right now, our careers are equally important and neither of us should have to make any sacrifices (that comes later, if all works out). 

 

I don't have anything to offer, but it's nice to see someone else in a very similar situation. Especially when all my friends are shocked and appalled that I would move away and sabotage our relationship (I can tell that's what they're thinking). 

 

Woah that's freaky! I actually think most of our friends and family are shocked that HE won't follow me. I think he's managed to ignore it for now, but I'm sure it will get worse once I leave.

[PhDerp]

Even though it's incredibly painful to think about life without my boyfriend, I know that if our relationship didn't work out, and I had stayed on the east coast just for him, I would regret that decision for the rest of my life. 

You have an awesome view on this. Good luck!!

[kaleisi]

Oh wow, that certainly helps a lot!

I've been in a LDR with my SO since July. He started his PhD in the US last fall and I stayed in his home country. Why didn't I apply last year, too? I have a fixed-term contract that I didn't want to terminate, which is why I decided to stay here for another year and apply during this cycle instead.

I have been in a LDR before, and it didn't work out too well, as neither of us was committed enough. Now, however, everything has gone surprisingly smoothly. We text constantly (WhatsApp is good especially if you are in different countries), and try to talk on Skype at least a couple of times a week. Sometimes on weekends we talk on Skype for hours, maybe grab a beer or two, and it almost feels like we were hanging out for real (although the physical part is obviously lacking). He's really thoughtful - it certainly was a nice surprise to have flowers delivered to the office last Friday - and we have a strong mutual trust, which is essential in any relationship but especially so in a long distance one.

As several people here have mentioned, it's important to see each other as frequently as possible. I try to visit my SO every two months or so, and he spent the Christmas here. It also helps if you know that the situation is temporary and will only last for X time. I'm excited to know that from August on, I'll be within a 300 mile radius from my SO.

Seems like in your case, you are both very committed to making things work whether or not you end up in a long distance relationship. All the best!

 

 

OMG. I've been in a LDR for the exact same amount of time, and I can relate so much to what you're saying!! We've been together since June actually, we Whatsapp all the time, Skype during the weekends.. I've been worried that the workload in grad school would be a really difficult transition, but he's taking time off work when I start to come and see me, which will be amazing. After that, we're definitely planning on seeing each other every few months

 

This thread warms my fuzzies so much :3

[alwaysbeenastorm]

Not to rain on any parades here, but I just got into a PhD program many states away from my bf, who has to stay where we are now to finish his own grad school, and we decided to break up rather than try a long distance relationship for several years. We've been together 2 years so it wasn't an easy call, but ultimately, we think we'll be happier being single, focused on school, and not making each other wait years until we could settle. After all, one never knows where they will go after the PhD program is done, so there's no guarantee we'd be in the same place even after those 6 years.

[LittleDarlings]

CorruptedInnocence, please oh please stop dumping on this thread.

Everyone, PLEASE don't feed the troll. Just ignore and move on. No one needs to defend their life choices to anyone else.

Nevermind. Edited March 18, 2014 by LittleDarlings

[LittleDarlings]

Not to rain on any parades here, but I just got into a PhD program many states away from my bf, who has to stay where we are now to finish his own grad school, and we decided to break up rather than try a long distance relationship for several years. We've been together 2 years so it wasn't an easy call, but ultimately, we think we'll be happier being single, focused on school, and not making each other wait years until we could settle. After all, one never knows where they will go after the PhD program is done, so there's no guarantee we'd be in the same place even after those 6 years.

That really sucks I'm sorry but at least it wasn't like 4 or 5 years. Which isn't helpful at all... Sorry

[RunnerGrad]

My husband and I have lived through several periods where our relationship was conducted at a distance.  Why did we do it?  Well, we had no choice.  The military doesn't exactly let me come with him when he's away on training for months at a time, nor when he is deployed overseas for months at a time.  They don't exactly let non-military spouses deploy on training, combat or peacekeeping missions with the military member.

 

It would be silly to end our relationship just because he has to go away on training or deploy.  He was in the military when I met him, and I knew exactly what that meant.  Our love is strong enough to deal with the separations when they occur.  It helps that we are best friends, that we completely trust one another, and that we are good at communicating with each other.

 

Long distance relationships can work if both parties are committed to it.  Both parties need to realize that there will probably be times when it is difficult being apart, and that having a strong relationship with open and honest communication will help them get through those difficult times.

[VulpesZerda]

Reading through this thread is making me feel better about a possible LDR in my future. Whether or not it has to happen will just depend on the job market, I suppose.

 

I find it interesting how many posters here are dating/married to other PhD candidates! My boyfriend is not the academic type at all and stopped after an associate's degree. He sure knows a lot more about psych research than the average IT guy thanks to me 

[headindownsouthyall]

I think if you both are committed to the relationship and eachother's goals it can work. I also think it's extremely difficult because you will change throughout your program and the distance makes it difficult for the other person to change with you. I'm a firm believer though that you shouldn't let a relationship keep you from your education. If it's meant to be it will be