Child free

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I will never have kids. There is no compromising on this point. I am not interested and have never been interested in kids. I don't feel anything towards them. I don't mind being the "fun aunt" but I could never see myself having kids. I'm 27 and a lot of my friends are getting married and getting pregnant, which is fine for them, but when I imagine my life with the addition of kids I just want out of that situation. The loss of independence and additional stress of having children is not something that I want to add to my life. I've also never had any sort of biological urge to procreate, so my life will be child free and I am super stoked about it. There are so many other things that I want to do with my life.

 

Also, that's super exciting that tubal ligation is covered under graduate insurance. I will have to look into that at my school when I start in the fall. It's something I've been considering, but I just haven't had insurance for a while. I'm pretty paranoid about the possibility of getting pregnant which definitely takes some of the fun out of sex. I brought it up at a doctor's appointment a few years ago only to get the "You'll change your mind" speech (which I find super condescending, but even more so from a doctor). Hopefully, as I get closer to 30, people will start taking me a bit more serious about not wanting to have kids.

Those same people who don't take you seriously when you say you don't want a kid when you're 25 will think there's some wrong with you (i.e. "crazy cat lady") when you actually don't have any kids when you're 45. Point is, there's no winning with these people. 

[CageFree]

I will never have kids. There is no compromising on this point. I am not interested and have never been interested in kids. I don't feel anything towards them. I don't mind being the "fun aunt" but I could never see myself having kids. I'm 27 and a lot of my friends are getting married and getting pregnant, which is fine for them, but when I imagine my life with the addition of kids I just want out of that situation. The loss of independence and additional stress of having children is not something that I want to add to my life. I've also never had any sort of biological urge to procreate, so my life will be child free and I am super stoked about it. There are so many other things that I want to do with my life.

 

Also, that's super exciting that tubal ligation is covered under graduate insurance. I will have to look into that at my school when I start in the fall. It's something I've been considering, but I just haven't had insurance for a while. I'm pretty paranoid about the possibility of getting pregnant which definitely takes some of the fun out of sex. I brought it up at a doctor's appointment a few years ago only to get the "You'll change your mind" speech (which I find super condescending, but even more so from a doctor). Hopefully, as I get closer to 30, people will start taking me a bit more serious about not wanting to have kids.

It is covered by insurance thanks to the Affordable Care Act. In fact, all birth control methods are free now (not sure how long that will last but I got a free copper IUD thanks to ACA

I am in my late 30s and CBC - never felt a biological clock ticking. I like peace and quiet at home. I like not having to go to meetings with teachers, take the kids to ballet or piano or soccer, plan birthday parties, etc. I like knowing I don't have to start a college fund because college is getting so expensive it will be very tough for the next generation to afford it. I like having the freedom to move around for my career without having to worry about finding good schools or child-friendly neighborhoods.

I can definitely relate to the condescending attitudes by doctors and society at large... I still feel I have to explain myself when I say I don't want kids and neither does my S/O.

Re: IUD versus sterilization, few doctors are willing to perform traditional tubal ligations on nulliparous women because it's major surgery... they have to cut through your abdominal wall. Women who want tubal ligations generally get them when they have C-Sections.

There are a couple of sterilization procedures where they essentially cauterize your tubes (Essure is the best known). I don't recommend these. PM for details.

And I'm sorry, but can you guys stop quoting "Littledarlings?" I have her posts blocked for a reason. Thanks

[RunnerGrad]

To give another opinion on this, I have a copper IUD and love it! I have always been a bit hesitant of the hormal stuff and everytime I have gotten on it, I have immediate weird effects like headaches or weight gain. I may just be more sensitive to it than most. The IUD has been great though! I have had no weird effects and you dont feel it at all or have to remember to take pills.

I was on continuous BCPs (no break and no placebo/sugar pills) to control my endometriosis until I was 38. I was otherwise healthy, so my family doctor has no worries about stroke, etc. Then, because I was having a lot of breakthrough bleeding, we decided to try the Mirena IUD. It's been wonderful. Other than the first 48 hours after insertion (very painful) I haven't had any problems, and I stopped having a period altogether after a couple of months. It has definitely helped with my endo symptoms.

I've never been on birth control for contraceptive reasons (my husband has had a vasectomy) and even with my endometriosis, doctors have never agreed to "tie my tubes" or perform a hyst. Fortunately the Mirena has really made my endo pain tolerable, instead of having me curled up in the fetal position for days at a time, even while on strong painkillers, and unable to function.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

It is covered by insurance thanks to the Affordable Care Act. In fact, all birth control methods are free now (not sure how long that will last but I got a free copper IUD thanks to ACA

I am in my late 30s and CBC - never felt a biological clock ticking. I like peace and quiet at home. I like not having to go to meetings with teachers, take the kids to ballet or piano or soccer, plan birthday parties, etc. I like knowing I don't have to start a college fund because college is getting so expensive it will be very tough for the next generation to afford it. I like having the freedom to move around for my career without having to worry about finding good schools or child-friendly neighborhoods.

I can definitely relate to the condescending attitudes by doctors and society at large... I still feel I have to explain myself when I say I don't want kids and neither does my S/O.

Re: IUD versus sterilization, few doctors are willing to perform traditional tubal ligations on nulliparous women because it's major surgery... they have to cut through your abdominal wall. Women who want tubal ligations generally get them when they have C-Sections.

There are a couple of sterilization procedures where they essentially cauterize your tubes (Essure is the best known). I don't recommend these. PM for details.

And I'm sorry, but can you guys stop quoting "Littledarlings?" I have her posts blocked for a reason. Thanks

Related to the condescending comments you get about not wanting a kid is the comments you'll get for not wanting to get married (not sure if this applies to you). I have a friend who is a 33-year old female. She's child-free for life. Anyway, she was with her boyfriend for a really long time (from like age 17 to 29) and their families always asked them why they never got married. They never had any intention to. People thought that was more strange than the fact that they never wanted kids. Also, her older sister (who is probably in her late 30's now), has been with her "boyfriend" for over 20 years. They have a kid together but have no intention of ever getting married. 

[CageFree]

Related to the condescending comments you get about not wanting a kid is the comments you'll get for not wanting to get married (not sure if this applies to you). I have a friend who is a 33-year old female. She's child-free for life. Anyway, she was with her boyfriend for a really long time (from like age 17 to 29) and their families always asked them why they never got married. They never had any intention to. People thought that was more strange than the fact that they never wanted kids. Also, her older sister (who is probably in her late 30's now), has been with her "boyfriend" for over 20 years. They have a kid together but have no intention of ever getting married.

I am married, and thankfully my MIL already has grandchildren so she hasn't bugged us at all. I just can't wait to be over 40 so that people will stop speculating and just assume I am too old to have any (not that age has stopped people from speculating if Jennifer Aniston is preggers every time she eats a big lunch, but one can hope)

I guess it all boils down to people needing to mind their own f'ing business

[LittleDarlings]

It is covered by insurance thanks to the Affordable Care Act. In fact, all birth control methods are free now (not sure how long that will last but I got a free copper IUD thanks to ACA :)I am in my late 30s and CBC - never felt a biological clock ticking. I like peace and quiet at home. I like not having to go to meetings with teachers, take the kids to ballet or piano or soccer, plan birthday parties, etc. I like knowing I don't have to start a college fund because college is getting so expensive it will be very tough for the next generation to afford it. I like having the freedom to move around for my career without having to worry about finding good schools or child-friendly neighborhoods.I can definitely relate to the condescending attitudes by doctors and society at large... I still feel I have to explain myself when I say I don't want kids and neither does my S/O.Re: IUD versus sterilization, few doctors are willing to perform traditional tubal ligations on nulliparous women because it's major surgery... they have to cut through your abdominal wall. Women who want tubal ligations generally get them when they have C-Sections.There are a couple of sterilization procedures where they essentially cauterize your tubes (Essure is the best known). I don't recommend these. PM for details.And I'm sorry, but can you guys stop quoting "Littledarlings?" I have her posts blocked for a reason. Thanks

Haters gon hate haha and you can't even see that lol

[starofdawn]

And I'm sorry, but can you guys stop quoting "Littledarlings?" I have her posts blocked for a reason. Thanks

 

You can block people?! I'll get to that in a minute...

 

I'm turning 26 next week and my biological clock has not started ticking. I've never felt the desire to be a mother, have never wanted to pick out names... I'm worried I won't ever want to be a mother. I love people who are child-free and content with their choice, but I'm so comfortable in the "you're still young enough to be childless" category and I'm worried that rude comments are just around the corner.

[louise86]

I'm 27 and happily child-free. I have never had the desire to be a mother. I live in a small rural town in the South so most of my friends got married and had children right out of high school. It's just assumed you will follow that path and if you don't there's a lot of confusion and condescending remarks like, "you'll change your mind" or "you don't know what you're missing". Thankfully, I think my parents have finally accepted that I'm very serious about not having children and the likelihood I'll marry is also very slim. That life just isn't for me.

 

I've thought about an IUD (especially now that it's covered by health insurance) for the convenience but, like someone else mentioned, I've heard some horror stories and it makes me nervous. 

[beccamayworth]

 

I've thought about an IUD (especially now that it's covered by health insurance) for the convenience but, like someone else mentioned, I've heard some horror stories and it makes me nervous. 

 

Can anyone expand on those horror stories? I've only heard good things so far and I was considering it even though I'm pretty happy with the pill.

 

I have to say, to me, one of the annoying things about being child-free is communicating with my friends. I'm 29 and almost all of them have kids, are pregnant or really want to be. Most of their conversations are about motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I actually do like talking to them about it, and I love their children, but I often feel like my problems (e.g., getting into grad school) aren't "real problems" compared to theirs. 

[m-ttl]

Child-free and enjoying it

 

I don't hate children though, and actually get along quite nicely with my nieces. I spoil them silly with carbs and sweets, and since chocolate is my air, this makes me very popular with them.

 

I think my main reason for not wanting to have kids is just that. Having kids freaks the living sh*t out of me. I minored in Biology and the prospect of giving birth still terrifies me. My sister had a c-section and to say it was gruesome is an understatement.

 

But, since I don't hate kids, I may one day decide to adopt or become a foster parent. For now, carpe diem!

 

My desire to not have children is largely medical. I'm naturally underweight, and just fear my body won't handle those stresses. I tried taking HBC for the first time this year and being 21, it shouldn't have been a problem. But my legs would ache (not sure if it was from the massive amounts of walking I do, but I guess I felt paranoid about clotting) and I had the weirdest sorts of anxiety filled dreams when I was taking HBC so I stopped. 

 

I say largely because there's other reasons I don't want children - money, I only like children in small doses...

 

I have a big extended family, which I love, but they also often insinuate I'll "change my mind" and have kids, and I've told them more than once, medically I just don't think I can handle it. At 35ish I'm sure people will push more because I'll be running out of "time" but my hope is to ease my family into accepting it with time. My mother and both my grandmothers all got married by 21/22, and I think all of them had their first kid by age 25. Me, I'm going for my PhD, will probably have a doctorate before I'm 30, so I'm aiming for them to realize I'm just "doing something else" instead of having kids since I don't want them. However I could see myself considering adoption but right now that's at least ten years off. 

Edited April 18, 2014 by m-ttl

[seeingeyeduck]

I have to say, to me, one of the annoying things about being child-free is communicating with my friends. I'm 29 and almost all of them have kids, are pregnant or really want to be. Most of their conversations are about motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I actually do like talking to them about it, and I love their children, but I often feel like my problems (e.g., getting into grad school) aren't "real problems" compared to theirs.

I've thought about this a lot. Surprisingly only two if my friends my age have actually had kids by now despite most of them wanting them, but I know eventually they will all be immersed in family life. I guess if better start finding more child free friends to hang with! I doing mind talking about parenting as I think development is interesting and it's an important topic but honestly it's more that I'm not sure I can pretend to think their kids are cute.

[louise86]

Can anyone expand on those horror stories? I've only heard good things so far and I was considering it even though I'm pretty happy with the pill.

 

I have to say, to me, one of the annoying things about being child-free is communicating with my friends. I'm 29 and almost all of them have kids, are pregnant or really want to be. Most of their conversations are about motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I actually do like talking to them about it, and I love their children, but I often feel like my problems (e.g., getting into grad school) aren't "real problems" compared to theirs. 

 

I have heard/read stories of insertion being extremely painful as well as extreme pain for a few weeks afterwards. When I did my research I read stories about the IUD going missing or embedding itself in the uterus and surgery having to be used to locate and remove it. Aside from that there's the side effects (some of which the pill share) like headaches/migraines, mood swings, back aches, extreme fatigue, cysts, breast tenderness, etc. 

[RunnerGrad]

I have heard/read stories of insertion being extremely painful as well as extreme pain for a few weeks afterwards. When I did my research I read stories about the IUD going missing or embedding itself in the uterus and surgery having to be used to locate and remove it. Aside from that there's the side effects (some of which the pill share) like headaches/migraines, mood swings, back aches, extreme fatigue, cysts, breast tenderness, etc.

My experience: insertion was very painful, but no worse than my endometriosis pain. I only had really bad pain for 48 hours after, again, no worse than my endo pain.

In the interests of full disclosure, however, I have to say I have a fairly high pain tolerance. When I fractured a vertebra in my back falling off a horse, I finished the riding lesson, untacked and groomed the horse, cleaned the tack, and drove myself home. Only went to the hospital a couple of hours later, who I was still in a bit of pain, and did not believe I had fractured a vertebra. Then spent four months on bed rest.

So, if you have a lower pain tolerance, the IUD insertion might seem like a lot of pain. But it was certainly no worse than my endo pain, and a lot less pain than I had after my two surgeries for endometriosis.

[victorydance]

Seems unlikely I will have children. But you never know.  

 

The problem is I am too mobile/ambitious/cheap to have kids. I don't see my lifestyle being that compatible with starting a family; if I did, I would have to make sacrifices that I don't think I would be willing to make. Not really very interested in getting married either.

[csibaldwin]

My wife and I are child free, and 34 years old, and will remain that way. We have no interest in children, which is a good thing because school loans, traveling and careers do not mesh well with rearing offspring. It is annoying when people bother you about having kids all the time.

Edited April 18, 2014 by csibaldwin

[CageFree]

I have heard/read stories of insertion being extremely painful as well as extreme pain for a few weeks afterwards. When I did my research I read stories about the IUD going missing or embedding itself in the uterus and surgery having to be used to locate and remove it. Aside from that there's the side effects (some of which the pill share) like headaches/migraines, mood swings, back aches, extreme fatigue, cysts, breast tenderness, etc.

A lot of what you describe is hormonal, which wouldn't happen with a copper IUD. The first couple of days are rough, but I would say no more so than a really painful period. I suppose the only 'downside' after that initial period has been heavier than normal flow and pain but... I'll take that over a pregnancy, thank you very much.

I went with the copper precisely because I suffer from migraines, and hormonal methods are really bad when you get them.

I read all those horror stories too and so I was a bit apprehensive but you know, it was the best reproductive decision I've ever made. In fact, I should have done it much earlier, rather than trying sterilization (which didn't work!).

Edited April 18, 2014 by CageFree

[microarray]

A lot of what you describe is hormonal, which wouldn't happen with a copper IUD. The first couple of days are rough, but I would say no more so than a really painful period. I suppose the only 'downside' after that initial period has been heavier than normal flow and pain but... I'll take that over a pregnancy, thank you very much.

I went with the copper precisely because I suffer from migraines, and hormonal methods are really bad when you get them.

I read all those horror stories too and so I was a bit apprehensive but you know, it was the best reproductive decision I've ever made. In fact, I should have done it much earlier, rather than trying sterilization (which didn't work!).

 

May I ask what sterilization method you tried? Tubal ligation is supposed to be 1/1000 chance of pregnancy, and I am pretty hopeful this method will be best for me.

[mandarin.orange]

Great thread -- thanks for starting this! My SO (who's been snipped) and I are staunchly childfree (CF). Great to see other testimonials from women who have always felt this way about not being a mom; I have known since I was 15 and announced I was quitting babysitting for good and would never have my own kids. I've hardly wavered from that stance, or ever felt like anything was missing.

 

I feel a CF lifestyle is more accepted in academia than other lines of work...ESP. the high school in the south where I used to work, which was small, private, and community/family/church-centered.

 

[Also, anyone want to help a sister out with how to find/use the "block" function on gradcafe? I couldn't find a button or instructions in my 5-10 min of searching.]

[seeingeyeduck]

Great thread -- thanks for starting this! My SO (who's been snipped) and I are staunchly childfree (CF). Great to see other testimonials from women who have always felt this way about not being a mom; I have known since I was 15 and announced I was quitting babysitting for good and would never have my own kids. I've hardly wavered from that stance, or ever felt like anything was missing.

I feel a CF lifestyle is more accepted in academia than other lines of work...ESP. the high school in the south where I used to work, which was small, private, and community/family/church-centered.

[Also, anyone want to help a sister out with how to find/use the "block" function on gradcafe? I couldn't find a button or instructions in my 5-10 min of searching.]

Go to your account, accessed by clicking on your name up on the top nav bar. It's "manage your ignore settings" and you enter the user names.

[Macavity]

Because I'm only 23 with another 4-5 years of school ahead of me, people haven't been bugging me about babies yet.  My husband and I are set on not having babies, although the possibility of adopting an older child has been thrown around as something we might do in the distant future. The kicker is that we got married at 21, and usually people who get married that young are intent on having children young too.

 

As soon as we have extra income, we're going to blow it on travelling Can't wait!

[MadtownJacket]

I'm 24, I'm not married (nor in a relationship), and I have no desire to have kids as well.  Perhaps I'll change my mind in a few years, but I'm making good money now, I travel a lot, and I'll be starting graduate school this fall.  I ain't got time for kids!

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I'm 24, I'm not married (nor in a relationship), and I have no desire to have kids as well.  Perhaps I'll change my mind in a few years, but I'm making good money now, I travel a lot, and I'll be starting graduate school this fall.  I ain't got time for kids!

Ain't nobody got time for that. 

[ExponentialDecay]

i wish i were child free. children are not at all conducive to maintaining a successful career.

[mandarin.orange]

Go to your account, accessed by clicking on your name up on the top nav bar. It's "manage your ignore settings" and you enter the user names.

 

I seem to be out of upvotes for the day, but will say...MANY THANKS!

[lasercats11]

Related to the condescending comments you get about not wanting a kid is the comments you'll get for not wanting to get married (not sure if this applies to you). I have a friend who is a 33-year old female. She's child-free for life. Anyway, she was with her boyfriend for a really long time (from like age 17 to 29) and their families always asked them why they never got married. They never had any intention to. People thought that was more strange than the fact that they never wanted kids. Also, her older sister (who is probably in her late 30's now), has been with her "boyfriend" for over 20 years. They have a kid together but have no intention of ever getting married. 

 

Ugh. This too. I was never the kid who picked out baby names and played house and I was never the kid who planned her future wedding. I just don't care about marriage. This is not to say that I don't value a strong, committed relationship; I just don't see any need for a wedding.

 

And I'm not a shrew - I don't criticize those who get married or have kids, but the amount of crap that I have had to put up regarding my views on marriage and children is borderline ridiculous. It probably doesn't help that I've been in a conservative Christian educational environment for my entire life. The unofficial nickname for my college is "Western Wedding College" for crap's sake. I can't even with that. Definitely ready to move on.