We've wined, we've waited, now it's time to celebrate 2016

[sjoh197]

1 hour ago, telkanuru said:

Why, exactly, would you expect his behavior to be different this one time? Because you wished really hard?

Look, I don't claim perfection, but a lot of what makes a relationship work in the long run is (1) communication and (2) negotiation. The latter is twofold - with your partner and with yourself.

So, in this example, you know your partner does not take the initiative. (1): Did you directly communicate ("I want..." not "Oh hey this is happening *hint hint*") that you wanted to do something special? (2): Is this sort of explicit conversation a "price you're willing to pay" to be in a relationship with your partner? 

We had a long discussion about this both 2 weeks ago and a few days ago in which some form of initiative was promised. That's why I was "wishing really hard". I am very direct with things that I want to do, and often give suggestions... But its really not about the activity, its about not being ignored for video games and tv. We could have gone to a fucking Chinese noodle house and sat and colored and I would have been happy just to spend the time with him.

I told him last night that I felt like if I disappeared right now, the only thing he would notice is that he's not getting fed. To which he replied that he knows how to feed himself.

It didn't used to be this way. But since we moved a year ago it has been getting worse and worse. This isn't really how I want to start grad school lol.

[MarineBluePsy]

2 hours ago, sjoh197 said:

We had a long discussion about this both 2 weeks ago and a few days ago in which some form of initiative was promised. That's why I was "wishing really hard". I am very direct with things that I want to do, and often give suggestions... But its really not about the activity, its about not being ignored for video games and tv. We could have gone to a fucking Chinese noodle house and sat and colored and I would have been happy just to spend the time with him.

I told him last night that I felt like if I disappeared right now, the only thing he would notice is that he's not getting fed. To which he replied that he knows how to feed himself.

It didn't used to be this way. But since we moved a year ago it has been getting worse and worse. This isn't really how I want to start grad school lol.

Now I'm no relationship expert and despite my choice of field I'm not training to be, but something is clearly wrong here.  Wasn't it just last week you suspected he was about to propose and we were all chattering about rings and weddings?  And now it's that things have been going downhill the last year? 

It sounds like he's gotten very comfortable with the way things are and perhaps he doesn't feel like anything needs to change because he thinks everything is great.  I also know you can't make someone change if they don't want to.  If this is him telling you "babe this is me take it or leave it" then trust him when he tells you who he is.  If he recognizes you aren't happy, he wants to change that, and you've directly expressed your needs then you need to step back and see what he does.  You'll either see improvements and your relationship will progress or things will stay the same or decline and it will be time for you to move on.

[Danger_Zone]

12 hours ago, MarineBluePsy said:

 

@Danger_Zone Do you mean some campus affiliated housing requires a couple to be married if they wish to live together?  I guess they are allowed to make their own rules, but I'm not sure how they can truly enforce that.  Seems like most couples would just lie and then what?  Campus police barges in trying to catch you in the act?  Or do you mean housing owned by private owners and it is their preference that a couple be married if living together.  While unfair, with private property I don't know that they are held to the same standards as public housing.

Are you set on an apartment?  If zillow and trulia are popular where you are then you might find other options...townhouses, duplexes, etc.

 

Private owners, I mean. It just seems kind of discriminatory to me. I would totally be married now if I could, I promise!

I am thinking of getting an apartment for the year then looking into housing during the summer so I have more time to look. I will look into those though, thanks! 

 

Guys it's happening!! I just went through customs and am waiting at the gates! It actually was much easier than I thought. I was just asked for my I-20 then I went through. What a relief that was. Now I can worry about housing and banking and missing my family and my sanity because I got absolutely no sleep last night. 

[sjoh197]

10 minutes ago, MarineBluePsy said:

Now I'm no relationship expert and despite my choice of field I'm not training to be, but something is clearly wrong here.  Wasn't it just last week you suspected he was about to propose and we were all chattering about rings and weddings?  And now it's that things have been going downhill the last year? 

Yeah i know. I think visiting family is the only thing that sparked the proposal talk. I took it as more of an indication of him trying to invest more in our relationship and got excited, but now I'm really just not sure. I'm glad he didnt at this point anyways, because I think this first semester of grad school will be very telling of the time we spend together when I no longer have the time or energy to plan everything.

I know I just need to accept this as who he is now and just lower my expectations on the initiative and spending quality time. But it still kinda hurts my feelings.

Oh well, its a new day, and I'm over it I guess. Got lots of other things to worry about like packing boxes and reading research papers.

[MarineBluePsy]

10 minutes ago, Danger_Zone said:

 

Private owners, I mean. It just seems kind of discriminatory to me. I would totally be married now if I could, I promise!

I am thinking of getting an apartment for the year then looking into housing during the summer so I have more time to look. I will look into those though, thanks! 

 

Guys it's happening!! I just went through customs and am waiting at the gates! It actually was much easier than I thought. I was just asked for my I-20 then I went through. What a relief that was. Now I can worry about housing and banking and missing my family and my sanity because I got absolutely no sleep last night. 

I'm not sure what part of the US you're going to, but it is also possible that private owners are saying that to decline same sex couples and rather than get flamed for that they're just saying "no unmarried couples."  Either way I agree that it is discriminatory, but again I don't know that they can be forced to change because they aren't public housing.

And yay!  You successfully passed customs!  You won't worry about anything, you'll just sleep for now =)

3 minutes ago, sjoh197 said:

Yeah i know. I think visiting family is the only thing that sparked the proposal talk. I took it as more of an indication of him trying to invest more in our relationship and got excited, but now I'm really just not sure. I'm glad he didnt at this point anyways, because I think this first semester of grad school will be very telling of the time we spend together when I no longer have the time or energy to plan everything.

I know I just need to accept this as who he is now and just lower my expectations on the initiative and spending quality time. But it still kinda hurts my feelings.

Oh well, its a new day, and I'm over it I guess. Got lots of other things to worry about like packing boxes and reading research papers.

Umm do you hear yourself?!  NO!  Just NO!  You do not have to settle for lowered expectations and hurt feelings if that is not what you want.  And it's ok to not be over it even though it's a new day.  I do think you're right that this is not the right time to get engaged and you'll learn a lot about each other this semester.

[Need Coffee in an IV]

@sjoh197 I hate being the bearer of bad news but it looks like your bf's actions are really telling. Sometimes its really hard to change a part of your personality/habits. I was on the other side of the fence in this situation. My bf felt he was doing everything and was being taken advantage of. He's really good at cooking and cleaning. Sometimes I can be dense in the head and not even really notice how he was doing everything. We've had the same talk. I slack a little but I took my partner's feelings into account and I'm trying. I usually do the laundry, wash dishes, vacuum, cook a little and other cleaning. He does DEEP cleaning, majority of cooking, and fixing stuff.

Maybe give him time to change his habits? I don't know if someone can change so quickly. But I agree that is hurtful that he didn't listen to what you were actually saying. But I would look at his actions and that will tell you everything. Btw never settle for less! Of course you aren't over the moon happy everyday, but you should be content with your relationship. We are here for you.

[Need Coffee in an IV]

@Danger_Zone I know how you feel! Bf and I would be married but he's worried about his parents' health. Besides we have our whole lives to be married. There's no rush really. But I've seen that requirement for some places as well. Or they ask for a bigger deposit if you aren't married. Its lame.

[dr. t]

10 hours ago, sjoh197 said:

We had a long discussion about this both 2 weeks ago and a few days ago in which some form of initiative was promised. That's why I was "wishing really hard". I am very direct with things that I want to do, and often give suggestions... But its really not about the activity, its about not being ignored for video games and tv. We could have gone to a fucking Chinese noodle house and sat and colored and I would have been happy just to spend the time with him.

I told him last night that I felt like if I disappeared right now, the only thing he would notice is that he's not getting fed. To which he replied that he knows how to feed himself.

It didn't used to be this way. But since we moved a year ago it has been getting worse and worse. This isn't really how I want to start grad school lol.

Since I've already gone partial Dan Savage, allow me to go full Dan Savage: DTMFA.

[Pink Fuzzy Bunny]

I have nothing to add to all of the relationship talk. I was in State College for the past few days, for all of you moving there, you need to go to the Saloon and order a monkey boy. It's the best way to not remember your entire weekend.

[jlt646]

32 minutes ago, Pink Fuzzy Bunny said:

I have nothing to add to all of the relationship talk. I was in State College for the past few days, for all of you moving there, you need to go to the Saloon and order a monkey boy. It's the best way to not remember your entire weekend.

I had some decent cocktails at Local Whiskey last time I was there- I'm excited to add more things to the list...for next week. When I move. Ahhhhhh!

[MarineBluePsy]

I went scotch tasting this weekend and yes I did end up on my ass lol.

[Need Coffee in an IV]

I'm not a huge drinker but I do like a good martini! Screwdrivers are also really good. I haven't explored the bar scene in Lubbock. I would choose coffee over alcohol most of the time.I like drinking on patios vs a bar, I go to bed around 11:00 Pm.

[Pink Fuzzy Bunny]

38 minutes ago, Need Coffee in an IV said:

I'm not a huge drinker but I do like a good martini! Screwdrivers are also really good. I haven't explored the bar scene in Lubbock. I would choose coffee over alcohol most of the time.I like drinking on patios vs a bar, I go to bed around 11:00 Pm.

I quite agree, I'm usually in bed by 10. This was, in fact, the first bar I had ever been to, and quite hopefully the last  

[Need Coffee in an IV]

26 minutes ago, Pink Fuzzy Bunny said:

I quite agree, I'm usually in bed by 10. This was, in fact, the first bar I had ever been to, and quite hopefully the last  

Bars have been more of a miss for me. I enjoy sports bars during football season, but im mainly there for the food . i enjoy restaurants where i can just order one drink and talk/hang out. breweries would be good but i hate beer lol

[MarineBluePsy]

I'm not much of a bar person either.  Wine bars I don't mind, probably because the vibe is more mellow.  If I go to any other bar its because there is an event going on that might help me meet single men.

[Need Coffee in an IV]

46 minutes ago, MarineBluePsy said:

I'm not much of a bar person either.  Wine bars I don't mind, probably because the vibe is more mellow.  If I go to any other bar its because there is an event going on that might help me meet single men.

Hopefully you will find your doyle!

[MarineBluePsy]

4 minutes ago, Need Coffee in an IV said:

Hopefully you will find your doyle!

Sure Doyle's brains and Dean's brawn.....I could totally get into that hehehe.

[Need Coffee in an IV]

2 minutes ago, MarineBluePsy said:

Sure Doyle's brains and Dean's brawn.....I could totally get into that hehehe.

As long as the guys have a higher tolerance to alcohol! Dean and doyle were super lightweights lol

[hippyscientist]

10 hours ago, jlt646 said:

I had some decent cocktails at Local Whiskey last time I was there- I'm excited to add more things to the list...for next week. When I move. Ahhhhhh!

Ooohh Cocktails! Bars I love bars Especially american bars. You guys just do it properly! A drink or two at the end of the week in the bar is awesome, and if there's sport on it's so much more exciting to watch in a bar.

You're moving so soon! I fly in just under two weeks. It's so exciting. I'm excited. So excited. Time to go drop a lot of money on furniture then! And maybe head to the bar to recover.

[Effloresce]

i should be in nashville in two weeks! this is so scary but also so exciting!

my orientation schedule is up so i know what to expect.. i'm so excited to get back into the swing of things!

eta: one of the postdocs from my old lab is emailing me about the smallest things! and it's frustrating!

Edited July 25, 2016 by Effloresce

[MarineBluePsy]

Wow just spent 30 minutes on the phone ordering internet service and explaining that no I do not want a tv package because I have no tv.  I got rid of it before I moved and it isn't my first priority in terms of furnishings lol.  I was able to set up gas and electric service online without talking to anyone, so much easier.  Geez.  It's actually going to feel like I moved once I get into my own place rather than feeling like a vacation.

[Pink Fuzzy Bunny]

1 hour ago, MarineBluePsy said:

Wow just spent 30 minutes on the phone ordering internet service and explaining that no I do not want a tv package because I have no tv.  I got rid of it before I moved and it isn't my first priority in terms of furnishings lol.  I was able to set up gas and electric service online without talking to anyone, so much easier.  Geez.  It's actually going to feel like I moved once I get into my own place rather than feeling like a vacation.

If you set up gas/electric online, definitely call and confirm before you move in. I did not appreciate having no electric service when I first moved in all because I set up gas/electric but so did my landlord without telling me!

[MarineBluePsy]

4 minutes ago, Pink Fuzzy Bunny said:

If you set up gas/electric online, definitely call and confirm before you move in. I did not appreciate having no electric service when I first moved in all because I set up gas/electric but so did my landlord without telling me!

That's weird that the dual orders would lead to a cancellation.  You'd think they'd just contact you both and ask if it's a multi-dwelling or a shared living situation, etc.  The gas and electric are both already on, just in my landlords name since that's how they have it set up when a tenant cancels service.  So my order was just putting it in my name and the online process actually captured all of that information which I thought was very efficient.  

[rhombusbombus]

My parents just left with my dog. He jumped in the car and snuggled in. 

Now im just clutching the dog bone he left. It's so quiet and lonely without him. 

But he looked happy as a clam to leave so i cant be mad! I'll see him when i go home and hopefully bring him back next year!

[Effloresce]

I had a terrible dream, so I've been up since 5:30 or so...and now it's 7:45. 

Also I realized that now that I'm driving regularly, I should fix my license to not have an out of state address on it..the DMV screwed up and printed an out of state address on my license which can be a misdemeanor in some states, and I really don't want to risk that. 

At least I have a temp one for two months, cus I suspect it won't arrive to my parents house before I drive down..