ashamed to tell my recommenders

[peanutbutter]

hi,

if i don't get in anywhere - which is looking almost definite at this point - what do i tell my recommenders?! i feel too embarassed to tell them, as ridiculous as that may sound.

anyone else been through this?

[arienandthesun]

last year I had been through this. my two recommenders were from my home country so I never told them. one of them was from my current school, so I told her. she was shocked. this year I talked again that I will apply at first she did not want to write a letter but eventually she wrote, same as last year.

in summary, i did not tell the ones if I did not have to.

[psychdork]

I'm kind of ashamed but I also know that this is an extremely competitive year. The decisions the adcoms make are not our fault (it is to an extent as far as our grades and experience and stuff, but at some point it is completely out of our hands).

One of my recommenders I'm very close with, so I've been telling him my rejections as they come in, and he has been surprised but very supportive. And keeps telling me that I shouldn't take them personally. I told my 2nd recommender last week, and his reaction was weird but he's pretty eccentric so I wasn't too shocked. :-) I still have to tell my 3rd recommender but she is really busy and I just haven't been able to meet with her face-to-face...I'm tempted to send an email, but I think in person is better for this.

Seriously though, don't be ashamed, you're not the first person this has happened to. Yes, it's disappointing having to tell them, but I felt better after I did.

[GirlattheHelm]

Well, I've expected the across the board rejection. My closest recommender knows I'm probably not getting in anywhere. My other two recommenders are being super positive. It's going to kill them both - which will drive me to drink.

I've never been so depressed in my life. But I get to play the game all over through the job market - I just don't give a shit anymore and am too busy to be ashamed. This is life and I'm not really into fighting my educational fate.

[blue]

This happened to me last year and is happening again. They were ok with it last year but I don't know if they will be ok supporting me 3 years? :cry:

But definitely go meet them in person and let them know that you are still very motivated to go to grad school and that you are planning to apply again next year. Tell them to keep their letters and that you will be asking for them again.

[dupo25]

I'm also worried that I will have to break the news to my recommenders! Even though the decisions aren't personal and there are forces out of our control, it's still embarrassing! I'm glad other people have the same fears.

[whateverneveram3n]

Well, I've expected the across the board rejection. My closest recommender knows I'm probably not getting in anywhere. My other two recommenders are being super positive. It's going to kill them both - which will drive me to drink.

Yep, about the drinking part. My closest recommender thought I would be getting in at least somewhere--and so did I, for that matter. Luckily said recommender has said I should apply back to the school I came from, as their deadline is apr. 1, but at this point I'm so down-trodden I am considering just giving up on academia altogether. It is at least nice to know that people that actually know me and my work think I am qualified enough for their own program, I spose. But if I decide to give up on it all because of all the rejections to date, what does that matter?

I've never been so depressed in my life. But I get to play the game all over through the job market - I just don't give a shit anymore and am too busy to be ashamed. This is life and I'm not really into fighting my educational fate.

same here. got no fight left. just want to hear from my last school and move on.

[GirlattheHelm]

same here. got no fight left. just want to hear from my last school and move on.

Yeah, and I won't mind making a little cash.

[whateverneveram3n]

Yeah, and I won't mind making a little cash.

Yeah, honest to god the the only thing keeping me from jumping in front of some traffic right now is the fact that a life in industry is at least the financially advantageous path.

[cara susanna]

I see one of my recommenders a lot so she knows everything. I'm going to wait until I know about my waitlist results to tell my other two recommenders.

[zoberg]

I fet the exact same way, OP. I have yet to hear back from two, but I'm not feeling optimistic whatsoever. But then I remembered...

My advisor, with whom I have conversed the most about graduate school and my most important recommender, I think, is a truly awesome woman. When I told her about Minnesota, she said to me, "Wow. They suck." She gets it, and for some reason, she takes on some responsibility for her unaccepted recommendees--which she shouldn't, but she wants to make sure that all of her advisees have secure plans for post-graduation. I'm really blessed to have known her.

[35M40]

I felt like I let down my real parents and then my academic parents, so I didn't want to tell anyone. But I actually felt much better after I told my adviser. I was so focused on this process that I felt like I was just at the end and my career was dead before it started. He told me that it was a tough year and not to be too down on myself, but see what happens with my remaining schools and then we'll meet and figure out a game plan for the next year. So now I don't feel quite as devastated. Still really upset, but less crushed.

[koolkat1825]

I'm definitely not looking forward to telling my professors if one of my last three schools does not accept me (which is highly likely). I feel embarrassed even though I know a lot was out of my hands.

Accepted:

Rejected: UNC, Purdue, WashU, Missouri, Texas-Austin, Colorado-Boulder

Waiting: Carnegie Mellon, Virginia, Tennessee-Knoxville

[ridgey]

It's not the embarassment per se that gets me, but the fact that I'll be asking at least a couple of them again in a year or two.

[limeinthecoconut]

I told all my recommenders. They were generally very nice about it, expressing regret of varying degrees. Some also tried to find reasons as to why I was rejected. In fact, one of them was a stronger subscriber of the bad economy theory than myself.

I am glad I chose to inform them via e-mail, because some of their extremely kind responses made me cry.

[peanutbutter]

i agree with ridgey! especially since i've been out of school for several years - though it doesn't feel like it. that makes the whole in-person thing harder.

[Jakrabite]

Though I am still clinging on to hope..this eventuality has crossed my mind a few times. It's not embarrassment rather a complete loss of confidence. The worst thing that can happen when you prostitute yourself is to find no takers.

[Await]

Though I am still clinging on to hope..this eventuality has crossed my mind a few times. It's not embarrassment rather a complete loss of confidence. The worst thing that can happen when you prostitute yourself is to find no takers.

Ahh, macabre humor! Thank you, I needed that! And 35M40: I feel you on the parents+academic parents front. When I told my mom I was waitlisted (at the 1 program I applied to) she was silent. Shocked. Then trying to rationalize it she said, "Well we have a very common last name- maybe it wasn't meant for you?". It's nice to know those around you have confidence in you, but it is terrible to let them down. Now I'm hearing "Of course you'll get off the waitlist." Ugh.

And as for the academic parents: One of my reccommenders works at the university I was waitlisted at (different school). Her office is literally next door to the admissions office that waitlisted me. She was excited about helping me find an apartment nearby (her own house is a walk away). And even worse: Her "batting average" for my program is 1000%. I don't want to the one responsible for ruining that!

I wrote to her yesterday and haven't heard back.

[Juliet73]

I only applied to one school last year (for library science) and was rejected. My recommenders were all pretty shocked. One invited me to his town to see a band we both like -- I thought that was sweet. One is my boss, and she's still making excuses for last year and is totally sure I am in this year. (Haven't heard yet -- did reapply to the same school.) All three have written new recommendations for this year. I applied to three places for three completely different degrees, too, so they had to do extra work to tailor their letters to the different programs. I really hope I have great news for them. But if not, I will still be very gracious and let them know right away.

[djrg]

I guess that as it is their job to write the recommendations is common courtesy from us to tell them the results, whether they are good or bad... I am not saying it should be easy, I just chatted with one of my LOR writers about not being accepted at his own Alma Mater... it is surely embarrassing to tell them, and we should take our time to carefully select the words we are going to use... however, we should tell them, and I am sure most of them will be supportive... at least I don't see how they could not be...

[sonnyday]

It would be in your interest to tell them, as they can possibly offer some good feedback and you will need them to write recommendations next year. Much harder to find new recommenders IMO. They may even write stronger letters and suggest ways to improve your chances later (like enrolling in some classes or attending a summer research program).

Either way, if you DON'T tell them, they'll automatically know that you didn't get in anywhere (or else you would say something). But letting them know this way just looks juvenile and unprofessional. Better to just do so the professional way and tell them, then confidently and optimistically ask for help to on how to move forward.

And honestly, not getting in the first round seems to be quite normal. Especially if you applied to competitive schools. They will understand. I'm sure they've seen this with plenty of other students and they probably went through the same thing years ago.

[desireyen]

Ive been thanking them along the way and keeping them in touch.

I havent heard back from any schools but creating a safety net in case I have to reapply.

It will be tough to tell them I didnt get in anywhere...but I will NEED to because I will need a rec letter from them again...

Do teachers not keep the rec letters on record for a little while??????

I find it surprising that some teacher would be reluctant to help with a LOR again.

Whats up with that?

[Juliet73]

Do teachers not keep the rec letters on record for a little while??????

I think they usually do... but one person's "file" is another professor's heap of papers from the past decade that are heaped on every horizontal surface in their office. So it sort of depends on the person. I got lucky and mine all just revised letters from last year.

[piccgeek]

I have been terrified to tell my recommenders about the rejections I've been getting, but I think I'll have to when I get back from spring break because if they're even a little supporting it will be a comfort. I was talking with a non-recommender prof and he made me feel less inept about the whole thing. He put the process in perspective, reminding me from an insider pov that at some point it's just out of the applicant's hands no matter how qualified she is.

It's been worse telling my actual parents and grandparents. First they're completely shocked, then they are all full of sympathy and "don't worry, I know you'll get in the next one!" and "they're only cheating themselves!" etc. etc. platitude, platitude. I know they mean well and I love them for the effort, but sometimes I just want to scream in frustration. *sigh*