Finding a husband in graduate school.

[starofdawn]

Reading this thread brings a big, goofy smile to my face

[legan]

WIth such a deliberately limited perspective of the world, and extreme prejudices, I'm genuinely curious: what is it that makes you think you could be a social worker?

 

I know this is harsh, but how the hell do you think you could fix someone else's problems, when you are completely refusing help (HELP YOU SOUGHT OUT) yourself?

[gr8pumpkin]

Feminism is so confusing.

 

That's what books are for.  Not meant as snark.  Totally serious.

[overworkedta]

Don't forget that male feminists do exist too! And I might suggest (in the spirit of the third wave) that we widen the target group to be human beings - because as I see it (and please correct me if I'm wrong! I'm newly awakened) feminism is in part a movement to liberate women (and the LGBTQ community, and men - though the latter is less an issue of institutional injustice) from the societal constructs of gender (which, of course, returns to choice).

 

I don't haha.  I am just speaking to her points.  My boyfriend sits very much where you do.  He's a feminist. He would rather call himself and "equality-ist" though because he cares about more than just rote gender equality and he thinks that misogyny hurts everyone - including LGBTQ people, in particular.  He thinks we need a bigger blanket term.

 

I remind him of social movement theories which speak about how there is a constant tension between inclusivity and intersectionality.  It's both helpful and harmful, at the end of the day.  God, I miss social movements stuff.  We talk about it a lot, though.  He has a BA in soc.

[LittleDarlings]

WIth such a deliberately limited perspective of the world, and extreme prejudices, I'm genuinely curious: what is it that makes you think you could be a social worker?

I know this is harsh, but how the hell do you think you could fix someone else's problems, when you are completely refusing help (HELP YOU SOUGHT OUT) yourself?

I am not refusing help I just decide if I want to take the given advice. Some has been great and some hasn't. Telling me to stop looking isn't super amazing advice as far as I'm concerned because it just isn't possible.

I am in therapy and I will continue with it through my program eventually it'll get better and once I'm in a relationship none of this will even matter at all. This thread was honestly to find out about activities and what grad school life is like and how I would go about meeting someone to date and eventually marry (without doing online dating) somewhere it turned into something else.

In all honesty though I question myself a lot about that but I just want to be in that field so badly I just do. So I will figure it out. My biggest fear with all this is in 2 year I will have completed my program and still be in this screwy mind set and I will have a client who is my age and happily married with a beautiful little family and I will be jealous of my client. That's my concern, the other stuff for me I think I can handle but the idea of that makes me anxious and scared and sad kind of because I don't want to be jealous of everyone in life, and I can act out pretty badly when I'm jealous (obviously from past posts). I mean in my day to day life I definitely handle it and control it but when I'm alone by myself that's the hard part. It's like I'm 2 people I'm this happy go lucky funny person in public and with friend and then alone I fall apart. It's weird i don't think I'm psycho or have psychosis but I just can't be who I actually want to be. Does that make sense? Probably not. Oh well.

I am trying to get help I have been in therapy for a while, I am going to try an anti depressant soon I think and hopefully that combined with therapy will at least help me to not fall apart so often or at least redirect my thoughts or care less about a relationship or something? I have no idea what to expect but anything is better than this.

Edited March 3, 2014 by CorruptedInnocence

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

I don't haha.  I am just speaking to her points.  My boyfriend sits very much where you do.  He's a feminist. He would rather call himself and "equality-ist" though because he cares about more than just rote gender equality and he thinks that misogyny hurts everyone - including LGBTQ people, in particular.  He thinks we need a bigger blanket term.

 

I remind him of social movement theories which speak about how there is a constant tension between inclusivity and intersectionality.  It's both helpful and harmful, at the end of the day.  God, I miss social movements stuff.  We talk about it a lot, though.  He has a BA in soc.

 

I like the term feminist because despite the "rote gender equality" implications, it's also a rich movement spanning centuries now, and to join it in any capacity is, for me, an honor. I take it you don't include too much of either social movements or critical theory in your research (although if the program leans more toward public administration, I can understand that)? Fortunately my broader field can include human rights (and one of my POIs is a rockstar in women's rights as human rights research) - while it is all very new to me, there is a lot of room for me to include it. 

 

Equality-ist. I read some interesting analyses of Joss Whedon's "feminist" speech where he essentially rips apart the term feminist. I get it, I guess. It can be difficult, especially for men but also for anyone interested in the broader spectrum of human rights, to take on a term that implies a specific gender. On the other hand, that's what men have been doing for millennia, and it seems pretty clear to me that the third wave seeks to include the LGBTQ community especially. I agree with you that it's both helpful and harmful.

 

Because you mentioned intersectionality, I think it's worth including a quote from political scientist/critical theorist Jack Turner (which, incidentally, the article I pull from was brought to my attention by another gradcafe user via PM): "Proponents of colorblindness thus portray themselves as heroic defenders of racial justice who tough-mindedly attack racism at its root. The logic’s weakness lies in its obfuscation of the fact that we live in historical time, and that centuries-old systems of oppression leave aftereffects even after those systems have been formally abolished. Refusing to take notice of race becomes a principled basis for refusing to track how the legacies of slavery and Jim Crow differentially affect the lives of citizens, conferring advantage on some and disadvantage on others." (source: 'The Racial Innocence of John Roberts')

 

I think this is true of gender as well.

 

Edit to include: Sorry for getting all serious... I'm starving for this type of conversation.

Edited March 3, 2014 by TakeMyCoffeeBlack

[LittleDarlings]

I like the term feminist because despite the "rote gender equality" implications, it's also a rich movement spanning centuries now, and to join it in any capacity is, for me, an honor. I take it you don't include too much of either social movements or critical theory in your research (although if the program leans more toward public administration, I can understand that)? Fortunately my broader field can include human rights (and one of my POIs is a rockstar in women's rights as human rights research) - while it is all very new to me, there is a lot of room for me to include it. 

 

Equality-ist. I read some interesting analyses of Joss Whedon's "feminist" speech where he essentially rips apart the term feminist. I get it, I guess. It can be difficult, especially for men but also for anyone interested in the broader spectrum of human rights, to take on a term that implies a specific gender. On the other hand, that's what men have been doing for millennia, and it seems pretty clear to me that the third wave seeks to include the LGBTQ community especially. I agree with you that it's both helpful and harmful.

 

Because you mentioned intersectionality, I think it's worth including a quote from political scientist/critical theorist Jack Turner (which, incidentally, the article I pull from was brought to my attention by another gradcafe user via PM): "Proponents of colorblindness thus portray themselves as heroic defenders of racial justice who tough-mindedly attack racism at its root. The logic’s weakness lies in its obfuscation of the fact that we live in historical time, and that centuries-old systems of oppression leave aftereffects even after those systems have been formally abolished. Refusing to take notice of race becomes a principled basis for refusing to track how the legacies of slavery and Jim Crow differentially affect the lives of citizens, conferring advantage on some and disadvantage on others." (source: 'The Racial Innocence of John Roberts')

 

I think this is true of gender as well.

 

Edit to include: Sorry for getting all serious... I'm starving for this type of conversation.

... So confused.

[seeingeyeduck]

My husband is a feminist and he has no problem calling himself that. Honestly I think when guys object so viscerally (instead of intellectually) to the term there's a little insecurity and feeling threatened going on there. As far as I can tell, most nice, tolerant, open minded guys don't mind calling themselves feminists. Maybe there's a bit of gender norms creeping in too. A lot of guys don't want to be "feminin-" anything.

So. This isn't directed at anyone in particular, but some of the comments here have become insults...

Can we back off on the OP a little? It's presumptuous to assume she's not serious and we don't know her personally at all. Maybe she has real struggles and minimizing them or attacking her isn't going to help. It costs us nothing to respond as if she is not a troll. If you have a problem with this thread, why are you still here? Coming in just to make nasty remarks counts as trolling too and IMO is less understandable than what she's doing. Why not give people the benefit of the doubt even if you disagree completely?

Edited March 3, 2014 by seeingeyeduck

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I am not refusing help I just decide if I want to take the given advice. Some has been great and some hasn't. Telling me to stop looking isn't super amazing advice as far as I'm concerned because it just isn't possible.

I am in therapy and I will continue with it through my program eventually it'll get better and once I'm in a relationship none of this will even matter at all. This thread was honestly to find out about activities and what grad school life is like and how I would go about meeting someone to date and eventually marry (without doing online dating) somewhere it turned into something else.

In all honesty though I question myself a lot about that but I just want to be in that field so badly I just do. So I will figure it out. My biggest fear with all this is in 2 year I will have completed my program and still be in this screwy mind set and I will have a client who is my age and happily married with a beautiful little family and I will be jealous of my client. That's my concern, the other stuff for me I think I can handle but the idea of that makes me anxious and scared and sad kind of because I don't want to be jealous of everyone in life, and I can act out pretty badly when I'm jealous (obviously from past posts). I mean in my day to day life I definitely handle it and control it but when I'm alone by myself that's the hard part. It's like I'm 2 people I'm this happy go lucky funny person in public and with friend and then alone I fall apart. It's weird i don't think I'm psycho or have psychosis but I just can't be who I actually want to be. Does that make sense? Probably not. Oh well.

I am trying to get help I have been in therapy for a while, I am going to try an anti depressant soon I think and hopefully that combined with therapy will at least help me to not fall apart so often or at least redirect my thoughts or care less about a relationship or something? I have no idea what to expect but anything is better than this.

I'll try to be nice...

I think you're discounting the advice you've gotten. You nonchalantly push it off as if you've gotten some okay advice here and there, when in reality, after 30 pages of advice from a smorgasbord of brilliant people, I wouldn't be surprised if Oprah tried to patent this thread as her next best-selling self-help novel. You've gotten some fucking excellent advice. Have a little bit of respect, please.

My next point...

You say once you find a man, "none of this will even matter at all." Yet, you started another thread about anti depressants. Well, as some very intelligent people noted in that thread, depression is not dependent on circumstances and truly depressed people will remain depressed despite what happens to them. So if you really would get over everything if someone would just accept to be your boyfriend, then clearly you do not suffer from the crippling disease of depression. Your happiness is simply contingent on your relationship status. Once again you're creeping on the lines of disrespect. My mom killed herself because literally nothing of this world could ever make her happy, so when some little girl like you window shops for medication like it's fucking Forever 21, yes, it's a little offensive.

I'll tell you one last time. Have some respect. You did an excellent job in your academic life. You applied to four schools, got accepted to all four schools, and got a full-funded fellowship to the highest-ranked school you got accepted to. Not to mention, you got a job that pays well at the perfect time to start saving up to move away from home for grad school. You hit the academic grand slam. Yet you attack other people for having a boy/girlfriend, call them so lucky, and claim to be the most unlucky person in the world when many of the people you envy academically struck out, got no acceptances, have no job offers, no money, and are trapped in a truly desperate state.

You're an adult (I think). Even if school is not your top priority, since you're on a message board for grad school, at least try to pretend it's your top priority and have some fucking sympathy for people, and pretend to not be completely envious that they have a boyfriend, even if he's a complete fucking loser. You're gonna fail in the adult world (another thread you started) if you can't pretend to sympathize with people. Want a little truth? I can't relate to a lot of these people. I haven't been a lifelong student, I've seen my fair share of shit, I'm not dependent on an acceptance, and I'd be perfectly content with no acceptances and no options (the best time of my life was when I slept in a car for a year when I was 19). But you know what? I'm not a fucking social retard and I can at least pretend to relate to people.

You know why you don't have a boyfriend? Because you're neurotic, obsessive, psychotic, oblivious, immature, ignorant and a few other things. You're so caught up on looks and rankings. Let me tell you that relationships aren't completely looks-driven. I'm an okay looking guy and I've dated girls way more attractive than me because they were into my arrogance and my bullshit. I've also been shot down by girls who I "outranked" because they had half a brain to see through my bullshit.

Get over your fucking self. I don't care if your tits pop out of your turtle neck-- your personality is ugly enough to turn any man off.

Edited March 3, 2014 by Gnome Chomsky

[seeingeyeduck]

I know reading this thread is repetitive, but thing is, do we really expect someone to completely overhaul their view of life and relationships and change their emotional reactions in the span of three months of talking to people on the internet?!

 

It's the classic problem of having a problem that, with current mindset, someone can't even see is a problem. That's a hard thing to come to terms with and see clearly. It's going to take time, and it isn't going to go faster just because some person on the internet hurls insults, which just makes people just get defensive and start justifying their stance instead of being open to what is said.

[LittleDarlings]

I'll try to be nice...

I think you're discounting the advice you've gotten. You nonchalantly push it off as if you've gotten some okay advice here and there, when in reality, after 30 pages of advice from a smorgasbord of brilliant people, I wouldn't be surprised if Oprah tried to patent this thread as her next best-selling self-help novel. You've gotten some fucking excellent advice. Have a little bit of respect, please.

My next point...

You say once you find a man, "none of this will even matter at all." Yet, you started another thread about anti depressants. Well, as some very intelligent people noted in that thread, depression is not dependent on circumstances and truly depressed people will remain depressed despite what happens to them. So if you really would get over everything if someone would just accept to be your boyfriend, then clearly you do not suffer from the crippling disease of depression. Your happiness is simply contingent on your relationship status. Once again you're creeping on the lines of disrespect. My mom killed herself because literally nothing of this world could ever make her happy, so when some little girl like you window shops for medication like it's fucking Forever 21, yes, it's a little offensive.

I'll tell you one last time. Have some respect. You did an excellent job in your academic life. You applied to four schools, got accepted to all four schools, and got a full-funded fellowship to the highest-ranked school you got accepted to. Not to mention, you got a job that pays well at the perfect time to start saving up to move away from home for grad school. You hit the academic grand slam. Yet you attack other people for having a boy/girlfriend, call them so lucky, and claim to be the most unlucky person in the world when many of the people you envy academically struck out, got no acceptances, have no job offers, no money, and are trapped in a truly desperate state.

You're an adult (I think). Even if school is not your top priority, since you're on a message board for grad school, at least try to pretend it's your top priority and have some fucking sympathy for people, and pretend to not be completely envious that they have a boyfriend, even if he's a complete fucking loser. You're gonna fail in the adult world (another thread you started) if you can't pretend to sympathize with people. Want a little truth? I can't relate to a lot of these people. I haven't been a lifelong student, I've seen my fair share of shit, I'm not dependent on an acceptance, and I'd be perfectly content with no acceptances and no options (the best time of my life was when I slept in a car for a year when I was 19). But you know what? I'm not a fucking social retard and I can at least pretend to relate to people.

You know why you don't have a boyfriend? Because you're neurotic, obsessive, psychotic, oblivious, immature, ignorant and a few other things. You're so caught up on looks and rankings. Let me tell you that relationships aren't completely looks-driven. I'm an okay looking guy and I've dated girls way more attractive than me because they were into my arrogance and my bullshit. I've also been shot down by girls who I "outranked" because they had half a brain to see through my bullshit.

Get over your fucking self. I don't care if your tits pop out through your turtle neck-- your personality is ugly enough to turn any man off.

Well this is going to be a long one.

 

I haven't discounted the advice I got on here I said I got some good advice and some that hasn't been and I think that is true. Like I said this thread was meant as a way to get ideas on how to meet someone, programs, places to go things like that. It started off with people saying "oh well you don't need to be in a relationship" maybe to you that is good advice, that isn't what I want to hear.  I want to know HOW TO GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP that was the point.  I am thankful for all the advice I got from helpful people and I even talked privately to a few people who were amazing and had great advice and were encouraging.  I don't discount the advice but I take what I need and I can leave the rest.  Telling me to not look isn't helping me because like I said I don't know what not looking feels like. I don't know how that is possible. I obviously am going to have to figure it out but it just wasn't what I was looking for.

 

As far as the anti-depressants maybe had you actually read the post I made about it instead of just attacking it or discounting it to "oh that's another husband thread" you would know that I am actually pretty against taking an antidepressant.  I don't deny that I got great advice from people.  Like I said in my POST (that you failed to read obviously) I am afraid of getting on a medication for the wrong reasons.  If I could figure out all this on my own just by doing therapy it would be figured out don't you think? If my therapist suggested it twice then obviously there is something more there and maybe I should think about it.  So no I am not just shopping for pills like Forever 21. I'm sorry but you definitely got that wrong.  

 

Next point, I know that I did well and I am lucky and grateful for the opportunities I have but at the same time don't you think that it is a problem that I can't connect that happiness that I should be feeling for all these "awesome" stuff? Maybe that is your answer, obviously something is not right. I'm sure most people on here would be forever content and happy with what I accomplished and I'm not.  Not even saying I'm not but my academic success and my personal life failure doesn't balance out.  Maybe you should be a little less quick to play head doctor? I have sympathy for people and I'm sorry that they may not have gotten into a program but in the least they have a relationship (some).  Like I said it isn't logical and I can't explain it so I won't try but relationships mean a lot to me, having one means a lot to me.  Not saying I would trade situations but still.  

 

I can totally admit I am obsessive, and neurotic, immature, maybe even a little bit ignorant.  I do care about looks, a lot actually I am a decently attractive person I want someone else who is and that isn't wrong of me.  You obviously missed the part of the thread where I even said my ranking system kind of contradicts everything.  It does and it makes no sense and it is probably just me being a jealous bitch.  I don't have a bad personality, you don't even know me. You know what you saw on a forum from someone going through a rough time (despite how you discount it).  You know nothing about me.  

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

So you started an anti depressant thread just to talk about how you're against anti depressants? But then you admit it's nonsensical to still be sad after all your academic success. But then you claim that all of this sadness will end once you find a man.

Are you seeing the contradictory-ness? You're either 1) truly depressed and finding a man will do nothing to quench your sadness, or 2) you have no interest in grad school and your only objective in life is finding a man.

If 1) you shouldn't discount any anti depressant advice you get. You should also get over finding a man because obviously you suffer from a disease and finding a man isn't what truly will make you happy.

Or 2) you truly do care more about finding a man than anything else and you shouldn't be posting on GradCafe. This is a forum for people who truly care about grad school and you obviously don't share the same goals. Just leave them alone and don't rub your acceptances in their faces.

[LittleDarlings]

So you started an anti depressant thread just to talk about how you're against anti depressants? But then you admit it's nonsensical to still be sad after all your academic success. But then you claim that all of this sadness will end once you find a man.

Are you seeing the contradictory-ness? You're either 1) truly depressed and finding a man will do nothing to quench your sadness, or 2) you have no interest in grad school and your only objective in life is finding a man.

If 1) you shouldn't discount any anti depressant advice you get. You should also get over finding a man because obviously you suffer from a disease and finding a man isn't what truly will make you happy.

Or 2) you truly do care more about finding a man than anything else and you shouldn't be posting on GradCafe. This is a forum for people who truly care about grad school and you obviously don't share the same goals. Just leave them alone and don't rub your acceptances in their faces.

I started the thread to hear from people who had used anti-depressants.  I am going to grad school and it would be great to hear from other people in graduate programs who have taken them.  I am considering it seriously because I don't know another option I would try anything.  At the same time I started going to therapy because I thought finding a boyfriend was the be all end all, in therapy I realized there are other issues that make that issue way bigger.  THAT is why I am considering an anti-depressant. You aren't a doctor and you have no experience with anti-depressants so I am not sure why you are bothering to comment on that. 

 

I never discounted the advice in that thread, I think you need to go back and reread because you are very confused and obviously have no clue what you are talking about. I don't know what will make me happy honestly, I know what I think will though. 

 

I am not rubbing my grad school acceptances in anyones face.  I got accepted to schools and posted about it, like everyone else.  I asked for advice about the process. I haven't bragged, if anything you have brought it to the forefront I hardly mentioned it.  

[Monochrome Spring]

This isn't real. This isn't real.

This cannot be real.

I have seen this thread floating around and have avoided it so far. Now I wish I hadn't clicked today - pretty sure I developed an ulcer from reading it.

Is there a way to hide a thread so I don't have to see it on the top of the forums?

You can click the ignore user button under CorruptedInnocence's name and you won't see any of her content.

 

your username (top right) -> manage ignore prefs -> add new user -> CorruptedInnocence

Edited March 4, 2014 by Monochrome Spring

[CageFree]

You can click the ignore user button under CorruptedInnocence's name and you won't see any of her content.

 

your username (top right) -> manage ignore prefs -> add new user -> CorruptedInnocence

Thanks!

[overworkedta]

On the term feminist, I don't think it's bad either and I am a proud one.  I just think that my boyfriend and others worry about appropriation of the term.  They are the same people who worry about speaking for people of color without experience. It's like being a good ally.  You support but don't speak for.  That said, personally, I don't think the same applies to feminism.  I think you can be a feminist without worrying about appropriation.  We ALL experience misogyny - male or female - in one way or another.  Our experiences may differ a bit but we all see its results.  And I would rather have an ally demand that they are a feminist rather than run away.  We still agree to disagree on that but he will state he is a feminist.  He just feels like there could be a better word which was more inclusive.  I believe that too much inclusitivity slows the movement down.

[CageFree]

On the term feminist, I don't think it's bad either and I am a proud one.  I just think that my boyfriend and others worry about appropriation of the term.  They are the same people who worry about speaking for people of color without experience. It's like being a good ally.  You support but don't speak for.  That said, personally, I don't think the same applies to feminism.  I think you can be a feminist without worrying about appropriation.  We ALL experience misogyny - male or female - in one way or another.  Our experiences may differ a bit but we all see its results.  And I would rather have an ally demand that they are a feminist rather than run away.  We still agree to disagree on that but he will state he is a feminist.  He just feels like there could be a better word which was more inclusive.  I believe that too much inclusitivity slows the movement down.

I've had this debate with people too and truthfully, I don't find feminism to be similar to, say, gender or ethnic/racial identity. I can be an ally to my GLBTQI friends because, as you say, I support but cannot speak for. However, feminism is, at risk of oversimplifying, an ideology or philosophy... and thus you do not have to be female to agree with it.

Edited March 4, 2014 by CageFree

[gr8pumpkin]

 

Edit to include: Sorry for getting all serious... I'm starving for this type of conversation.

 

Oh, please don't apologize for that.  I've thought pages and pages back that this thread has all kinds of serious feminist implications.

 

ETA: I'm a male self-identifying third-wave feminist.

Edited March 4, 2014 by gr8pumpkin

[gr8pumpkin]

 I'm not a fucking social retard and I can at least pretend to relate to people.

 

I'm posting this not to be the PC Police, but rather as food for thought:

 

http://www.r-word.org/

[OCD or Perfection?]

Lolllll...and here I'd written this topic off as a way for gnome and corrupted to pass the agonizing time before finally heading off to grad school..

ohhh! Behold the naivete of youth. The tragedy of opportunities lost...

Nice to see that it has gained some traction...Having said that, corrupted, why don't you and I go on a date sometime and put these good folks out of their misery???

Edited March 4, 2014 by OCD or Perfection?

[LittleDarlings]

Lolllll...and here I'd written this topic off as a way for gnome and corrupted to pass the agonizing time before finally heading off to grad school..

ohhh! Behold the naivete of youth. The tragedy of opportunities lost...

Nice to see that it has gained some traction...Having said that, corrupted, why don't you and I go on a date sometime and put these good folks out of their misery???

PERFECTION!

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Lolllll...and here I'd written this topic off as a way for gnome and corrupted to pass the agonizing time before finally heading off to grad school..

ohhh! Behold the naivete of youth. The tragedy of opportunities lost...

Nice to see that it has gained some traction...Having said that, corrupted, why don't you and I go on a date sometime and put these good folks out of their misery???

OCD, you're a bitch, and don't put me in her category.

[Eigen]

Ok, this thread has long since stopped serving any purpose than generating reports. Locking it. 

 

If you found portions of the discussion useful and would like to carry on those discussions in another thread, feel free.