Finding a husband in graduate school.

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

Thats just so important to me I don't even know why. 

 

You may also want to consider this question - and very seriously, too! There are good reasons for wanting a serious relationship and children - but in some ways how and why you come to this conclusion is more important than the conclusion. So explore the question.

[LittleDarlings]

The best place to start is to open yourself to new types of thinking. Open yourself up to ideas that you've typically been opposed to - nobody is saying you have to begin to agree with them, but if your positions don't change, they may be strengthened. With a better sense of not only what you believe but also why you believe it (especially as regards your views on life, love and happiness), you can likely move forward in a more positive way.

Do I have to like sit down and write down my views. I just want to know how to do this? I know I am team airhead over here lol but I am still in that point where I can't 100% open up to my therapist. I have and I have opened up to her way more than any other one I have been to (I have probably opened up on here more than any therapist I have been to honestly) but I still reserve my thoughts. I might blurt it out at the end of session so we can't talk about it then I am off the hook. I just want this to work out.  I want to grow as a person and emotionally and not be so angry or bitter or hurt or whatever all the time. 

[seeingeyeduck]

That's good! I think it helps to remember that you don't go from one way of thinking to another instantly. You start out by just basically having an argument in your own head where you try to convince yourself of what you want to believe rather than what you do believe now. You listen to others (your therapist) about what those arguments might be, then every time you find yourself thinking the old pattern, you say to yourself, "stop that, I know that this is a destructive way to think about this. Instead, such and such argument..." It's totally unconvincing at first but believe it or not, after some time, you will start to internalize it.

For example, how you can't be happy for your friends at the moment. It just sounds like at the moment you think that happiness will be brought on if certain things happen in your life. What I've learned is that it is about a way of thinking about others and things that happen that is peaceful and optimistic, where you can find joy in many things, including good things that happen to others as well as to yourself. That way, you are less dependent on specific events for your happiness, more reliant on yourself!

If you can only enjoy good things that happen to you, then by definition that is a smaller pool of happiness you can draw from than if you could be happy for others too. You seem resigned to feeling bad when good things happen to others because "that is just how you feel and you can't help it," but some of us believe a person can in fact help it. It is just another mental/emotional skill that can be worked on. Why not ask your therapist how to help yourself to think that way?

That doesn't mean you won't be a little sad when others get something you want. We all do whether some admit it or not. It is only natural to feel the loss of something you desire. Feeling happy for others doesn't mean you don't feel the sting, but we are complex creatures who can feel many things at once and the key is to also open yourself up to feel good that something positive has happened to someone you care about. It can be an uncomfortable mess of conflicting feelings, it is true. It crosses the line into jealousy when you cannot feel anything but sadness and envy. All the positive is outweighed by that and it sounds like you cannot get past the jealousy right now.

I don't think this makes you a bad person. You just need some guidance and mental practice. The funny thing is that once you are able to feel good for your friends, it actually makes you feel better. Because positive feelings feel better than negative ones! Why not take the positive feelings anywhere you can! There will be a lot of things in life that you will want and sometimes others get them while you don't. If you can't develop the ability to still be positive towards your friends regardless, you will have more negative feelings than if you can be happy for them.

That is the state you are in now - not only are you feeling bad because of your own situation, you are feeling worse on top of that because of others' situations. Your jealousy is making your emotional state worse, is it not? So our suggestions were to work on that in order to increase the amount of positive in your life. If you do then it won't feel as bad as you do now.

Maybe part of it is not judging yourself for being jealous. Right now it seems like not only do you get jealous and hurt but in then that makes you feel bad about yourself. Admit that you want what you want and it makes you sad to not have it but disconnect it from your friends' life. Remember that they are not trying to hurt you and that you can have fun and feel good with them still. One of the hardest things in life is to be able to absorb pain that is no one's fault. Don't blame them or yourself for how you feel. You can only recognize it and try to do things to change it.

Does that make sense to you? If it does, tell yourself some of those things. Ask yourself if you care about your friends and think of what about your bond makes you feel close to them to begin with. Try to remind yourself of those things if you hit a topic of conversation that makes you jealous. Try to feel the bond with them that isn't related to what you're talking about at the moment and in the beginning, frankly just fake it. Learn to be a good enough sport to say congrats or "good for you" when they have good news even if it feels like crap at first. At least then people won't think you're unable to feel happy for others, because believe me, it becomes noticeable.

And just be upfront with your therapist. Say, "I know what you are saying but I have no idea how to start thinking that way. What are the actual steps I need to take? How do I know if I'm making progress?" Or find a therapist who can give you more concrete solutions. Therapists do differ in their approaches too.

Edited March 2, 2014 by seeingeyeduck

[LittleDarlings]

That's good! I think it helps to remember that you don't go from one way of thinking to another instantly. You start out by just basically having an argument in your own head where you try to convince yourself of what you want to believe rather than what you do believe now. You listen to others (your therapist) about what those arguments might be, then every time you find yourself thinking the old pattern, you say to yourself, "stop that, I know that this is a destructive way to think about this. Instead, such and such argument..." It's totally unconvincing at first but believe it or not, after some time, you will start to internalize it.

For example, how you can't be happy for your friends at the moment. It just sounds like at the moment you think that happiness will be brought on if certain things happen in your life. What I've learned is that it is about a way of thinking about others and things that happen that is peaceful and optimistic, where you can find joy in many things, including good things that happen to others as well as to yourself. That way, you are less dependent on specific events for your happiness, more reliant on yourself!

If you can only enjoy good things that happen to you, then by definition that is a smaller pool of happiness you can draw from than if you could be happy for others too. You seem resigned to feeling bad when good things happen to others because "that is just how you feel and you can't help it," but some of us believe a person can in fact help it. It is just another mental/emotional skill that can be worked on. Why not ask your therapist how to help yourself to think that way?

That doesn't mean you won't be a little sad when others get something you want. We all do whether some admit it or not. It is only natural to feel the loss of something you desire. Feeling happy for others doesn't mean you don't feel the sting, but we are complex creatures who can feel many things at once and the key is to also open yourself up to feel good that something positive has happened to someone you care about. It can be an uncomfortable mess of conflicting feelings, it is true. It crosses the line into jealousy when you cannot feel anything but sadness and envy. All the positive is outweighed by that and it sounds like you cannot get past the jealousy right now.

I don't think this makes you a bad person. You just need some guidance and mental practice. The funny thing is that once you are able to feel good for your friends, it actually makes you feel better. Because positive feelings feel better than negative ones! Why not take the positive feelings anywhere you can! There will be a lot of things in life that you will want and sometimes others get them while you don't. If you can't develop the ability to still be positive towards your friends regardless, you will have more negative feelings than if you can be happy for them.

That is the state you are in now - not only are you feeling bad because of your own situation, you are feeling worse on top of that because of others' situations. Your jealousy is making your emotional state worse, is it not? So our suggestions were to work on that in order to increase the amount of positive in your life. If you do then it won't feel as bad as you do now.

Maybe part of it is not judging yourself for being jealous. Right now it seems like not only do you get jealous and hurt but in then that makes you feel bad about yourself. Admit that you want what you want and it makes you sad to not have it but disconnect it from your friends' life. Remember that they are not trying to hurt you and that you can have fun and feel good with them still. One of the hardest things in life is to be able to absorb pain that is no one's fault. Don't blame them or yourself for how you feel. You can only recognize it and try to do things to change it.

Does that make sense to you? If it does, tell yourself some of those things. Ask yourself if you care about your friends and think of what about your bond makes you feel close to them to begin with. Try to remind yourself of those things if you hit a topic of conversation that makes you jealous. Try to feel the bond with them that isn't related to what you're talking about at the moment and in the beginning, frankly just fake it. Learn to be a good enough sport to say congrats or "good for you" when they have good news even if it feels like crap at first. At least then people won't think you're unable to feel happy for others, because believe me, it becomes noticeable.

And just be upfront with your therapist. Say, "I know what you are saying but I have no idea how to start thinking that way. What are the actual steps I need to take? How do I know if I'm making progress?" Or find a therapist who can give you more concrete solutions. Therapists do differ in their approaches too.

This part is harder, like it makes sense but it seems so far fetched to achieve. NOT saying I can't because I totally can do it! I think it is because I am not extremely close with anyone. I have friends, even friends that I call my best friend because I have known them so long but our friendship is more superficial. I don't go to them to talk about every single thing happening to me, I don't even get really in-depth with them. I feel like the only time I was really in depth with my friends was when I was in a relationship. It is like I am on the same level as them no one is better than anyone. I am kind of afraid to get in-depth with people because I don't want them to judge me the way I would judge them if they told me. I know my lack of interest is noticeable and I am pulling away from my friends, especially my friend who is pregnant. I haven't seen her face to face since Christmas. It isn't that I am un interested but it hurts to see her and watch her go through that, because I should be going through it. I would be so happy to go through it. It's like everything I do or accomplish isn't enough. Going to grad school isn't enough, having a full scholarship isn't enough, none of it is good enough. The disconnecting them is hard. My therapist constantly tries to remind me that everyone is different and sometimes things for other people happen at a different pace, it doesn't mean it won't ever happen but it just isn't happening right now for me BUT other things are. Disconnecting my life from theirs is hard. I feel like we all have the same background are the same age, we should be doing the same things at the same pace right?

I just can't imagine going through all of life faking it and disconnecting. It is so hurtful.

I don't want you to think I'm saying I can't of won't try because I will but when does it get better? When is it natural and like I don't have to fake it. Feeling happy for other people I don't even know where to begin? I would fake happiness and then it would eventually happen?

Edited March 2, 2014 by CorruptedInnocence

[gr8pumpkin]

Just to clarify, my "snarky" comment was intended as pro-feminist.  I think it is a shame that third-wave feminism does not seem to be more widely embraced in "real life" as it is by academics, as is demonstrated by the very existence of this thread.  That was the point of my comment.

[LittleDarlings]

Just to clarify, my "snarky" comment was intended as pro-feminist.  I think it is a shame that third-wave feminism does not seem to be more widely embraced in "real life" as it is by academics, as is demonstrated by the very existence of this thread.  That was the point of my comment.

I worked for a very feminist company at one point. I have been exposed to it. I reject it. I don't like feminism I choose not to embrace it, it isn't that I haven't been exposed to it at all.

[gr8pumpkin]

Exposed to it?  Like a disease? 

 

Okay, I'll bite.  Why do you reject it?  Because from where I sit (assuming for the sake of argument that you are for real) you would be a profoundly happier person if you embraced some of its fundamental tenets, like not defining yourself on the basis of whether you have that prerequisite man in your life.

[dazedandbemused]

 I have friends, even friends that I call my best friend because I have known them so long but our friendship is more superficial. I don't go to them to talk about every single thing happening to me, I don't even get really in-depth with them. I feel like the only time I was really in depth with my friends was when I was in a relationship. It is like I am on the same level as them no one is better than anyone. I am kind of afraid to get in-depth with people because I don't want them to judge me the way I would judge them if they told me.

I just can't imagine going through all of life faking it and disconnecting. It is so hurtful.

 

 

So what you've said in the above is that you don't share things with anyone because you're scared they'll judge you as hard as you would judge them. But you're also terrified of a life of faking it.  Has it ever occurred to you that they can feel your judgment and insincerity in your interactions? I can usually tell when people are playing a game of one-upmanship with me, and I straight up refuse to engage in even casual friendship with those people.

 

I am a huge believer in having friends that I can tell any and everything to, even if it's the height of embarrassing. As a result, I know I have somewhere to turn when shit hits the fan, and I don't have to be sad that there's no boyfriend in my life to fill that space for me. It doesn't sound as though you need a boyfriend--I think what you need is to be a better friend and make better friends. When you've got a great support system, the things that feel like the end of the world will be far less horrifying for you, IMO.

[CageFree]

Haha I couldn't less what you think about my personality. Thank you but like I said it is called having standards. If you want to date brown teeth then go for it. Good luck with that.  

 

It seems no guy likes your personality either, given that you can't even hold on to a guy past the second date.

[dstock]

I worked for a very feminist company at one point. I have been exposed to it. I reject it. I don't like feminism I choose not to embrace it, it isn't that I haven't been exposed to it at all.

 

Exposed to it?  Like a disease? 

 

Okay, I'll bite.  Why do you reject it?  Because from where I sit (assuming for the sake of argument that you are for real) you would be a profoundly happier person if you embraced some of its fundamental tenets, like not defining yourself on the basis of whether you have that prerequisite man in your life.

 

Feminism is basically wanting equal respect and equal rights (politically, economically, career-wise, socially, etc) for women, the same rights that men have.

 

Corrupted- Not sure what there is to reject about that concept.

 

gr8, I don't think that is a fundamental tenet of feminism..... (from my understanding)

Edited March 3, 2014 by dstock

[VioletAyame]

It needs to happen and line up.  No one deserves anything but they get it! Why am I not one of those people who it just happens for? 

 

Why aren't you having cancer? Why aren't you a victim of sex trafficking? Why aren't you in Ukraine right now not knowing what the next day would be like? Why aren't you illiterate and not allowed to vote?

 

Do you need me to go on?

[LittleDarlings]

It seems no guy likes your personality either, given that you can't even hold on to a guy past the second date.

Haha I actually get asked on a lot of second dates, I don't want them. If I didn't click the first time I certainly am not going back for a second time. There is nothing to not like about my actually "real life" personality. I'm funny and bubbly and cute and people like me.

[LittleDarlings]

Why aren't you having cancer? Why aren't you a victim of sex trafficking? Why aren't you in Ukraine right now not knowing what the next day would be like? Why aren't you illiterate and not allowed to vote?

 

Do you need me to go on?

I get the point you are trying to make. I just feel like I'm a good person and I don't deserve the failing relationships, that's so important why isn't it coming together? It comes together for other people, people who have it way less together than I do. I could absolutely have cancer, or be a victim of sex trafficking, or any of those scenarios but I could also have a million dollars, or live in a mansion, or whatever... I just think my dreams are on a smaller scale. Does that make sense? Probably not at all

[LittleDarlings]

Exposed to it?  Like a disease? 

 

Okay, I'll bite.  Why do you reject it?  Because from where I sit (assuming for the sake of argument that you are for real) you would be a profoundly happier person if you embraced some of its fundamental tenets, like not defining yourself on the basis of whether you have that prerequisite man in your life.

I think I talked about it earlier in the post, I feel like it kills chivalry. If guys think I'm equal to them then they are less likely to open doors, pay for meals (example I went out with a guy who didn't pay he said "you probably make more than me") etc... I like being a girl in a man's world. I want respect but I don't need everything equal. I read a little bit of "the Feminine Mystique" it was good, I felt for the housewives but at the same time I don't mind being a man's woman. Does that make sense? Embracing feminism would probably help me a great deal but I just don't know that I agree with it. I read a lot on Jezebel (a feminist website) and they all come off as man haters, they are all about "I'm an independent woman" "woman don't need men" blah blah and I do need a man. I can be an independent woman and need a man. I feel kind of independent now, but that doesn't mean that when I get I man I will not be eternally grateful for having him. I think when you are too content being single you stay that way. I don't want to stay that way.

[LittleDarlings]

So what you've said in the above is that you don't share things with anyone because you're scared they'll judge you as hard as you would judge them. But you're also terrified of a life of faking it.  Has it ever occurred to you that they can feel your judgment and insincerity in your interactions? I can usually tell when people are playing a game of one-upmanship with me, and I straight up refuse to engage in even casual friendship with those people.

 

I am a huge believer in having friends that I can tell any and everything to, even if it's the height of embarrassing. As a result, I know I have somewhere to turn when shit hits the fan, and I don't have to be sad that there's no boyfriend in my life to fill that space for me. It doesn't sound as though you need a boyfriend--I think what you need is to be a better friend and make better friends. When you've got a great support system, the things that feel like the end of the world will be far less horrifying for you, IMO.

I agree, my parents constantly tell me "you have to be a friend to have a friend". I am a decent friend but I could definitely be better. There is just stuff that's so embarrassing, I don't want to bring it to my friends. I am a judgy friend though, my closest friend found out she is pregnant in Nov and I have talked to her maybe 5 times since (that situation is just very hard for me). I hope when I go away to school I can build some quality relationships (as friends and more).

[Pol]

Your soul definitely has brown teeth.

[LittleDarlings]

Lol ok thanks

[PsycD]

WTH???

[LittleDarlings]

Lol I want this to end so much

[overworkedta]

I think I talked about it earlier in the post, I feel like it kills chivalry. If guys think I'm equal to them then they are less likely to open doors, pay for meals (example I went out with a guy who didn't pay he said "you probably make more than me") etc... I like being a girl in a man's world. I want respect but I don't need everything equal. I read a little bit of "the Feminine Mystique" it was good, I felt for the housewives but at the same time I don't mind being a man's woman. Does that make sense? Embracing feminism would probably help me a great deal but I just don't know that I agree with it. I read a lot on Jezebel (a feminist website) and they all come off as man haters, they are all about "I'm an independent woman" "woman don't need men" blah blah and I do need a man. I can be an independent woman and need a man. I feel kind of independent now, but that doesn't mean that when I get I man I will not be eternally grateful for having him. I think when you are too content being single you stay that way. I don't want to stay that way.

 

I'm sorry.  Maybe I am confused but aren't you alive, standing, and doing quite well sans-man?  I think you DON'T need a man and that's okay.  I have no clue what this has to do with holding a door open, though.  Feminists fold on either side of that issue since the central tenet, as I see it, is choice.   As a feminist, you can choose to pay a tab or walk through a held door.  I let my boyfriend or dad hold a door.  I let my now-LT BF pay for our first meal together and then we went out for drinks after and I picked up that tab.  I'm not intimidated by people being nice to one another, so I let doors be held and I hold doors.  I try to be a friendly person and take care of those I care about regardless of sex.  My friends do the same for me, too.  I don't get offended by people being nice because I'm a feminist.  I get offended when anyone insinuates I can't do basic things to take care of myself, though.  Being feminist, though, doesn't make you a man-hater.  I work with men more often then women, have more male friends, and love cycling, beer, and sports - all which are male-dominated pursuits.  I have no issues with men, I can assure you.

 

I think you have probably met some crappy people that call themselves feminists.  But guess what?  Nasty people are everywhere.  They come in all colors, shapes, and sizes.  Don't knock feminism and independence.  I think you don't give yourself the credit due with what you've done.  You admit to never having a LT relationship.  And yet, you still accomplish a lot!

 

Lol I want this to end so much

 

The easy way to do this is to simply STOP replying.  The more you reply, the deeper you dig.

[VioletAyame]

I get the point you are trying to make. I just feel like I'm a good person and I don't deserve the failing relationships, that's so important why isn't it coming together? It comes together for other people, people who have it way less together than I do. I could absolutely have cancer, or be a victim of sex trafficking, or any of those scenarios but I could also have a million dollars, or live in a mansion, or whatever... I just think my dreams are on a smaller scale. Does that make sense? Probably not at all

Do you really? And what point is that?

 

Hint: my favorite quote from a certain brilliant, misanthropic and fictional doctor: "People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get."

[LittleDarlings]

Do you really? And what point is that?

 

Hint: my favorite quote from a certain brilliant, misanthropic and fictional doctor: "People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get."

that's such a sad quote.

You make it sound like it will NEVER happen for me, it will.

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

I'm sorry.  Maybe I am confused but aren't you alive, standing, and doing quite well sans-man?  I think you DON'T need a man and that's okay.  I have no clue what this has to do with holding a door open, though.  Feminists fold on either side of that issue since the central tenet, as I see it, is choice.   As a feminist, you can choose to pay a tab or walk through a held door.  I let my boyfriend or dad hold a door.  I let my now-LT BF pay for our first meal together and then we went out for drinks after and I picked up that tab.  I'm not intimidated by people being nice to one another, so I let doors be held and I hold doors.  I try to be a friendly person and take care of those I care about regardless of sex.  My friends do the same for me, too.  I don't get offended by people being nice because I'm a feminist.  I get offended when anyone insinuates I can't do basic things to take care of myself, though.  Being feminist, though, doesn't make you a man-hater.  I work with men more often then women, have more male friends, and love cycling, beer, and sports - all which are male-dominated pursuits.  I have no issues with men, I can assure you.

 

I think you have probably met some crappy people that call themselves feminists.  But guess what?  Nasty people are everywhere.  They come in all colors, shapes, and sizes.  Don't knock feminism and independence.  I think you don't give yourself the credit due with what you've done.  You admit to never having a LT relationship.  And yet, you still accomplish a lot!

 

 

The easy way to do this is to simply STOP replying.  The more you reply, the deeper you dig.

 

Don't forget that male feminists do exist too! And I might suggest (in the spirit of the third wave) that we widen the target group to be human beings - because as I see it (and please correct me if I'm wrong! I'm newly awakened) feminism is in part a movement to liberate women (and the LGBTQ community, and men - though the latter is less an issue of institutional injustice) from the societal constructs of gender (which, of course, returns to choice).

Edited March 3, 2014 by TakeMyCoffeeBlack

[HicklePickle]

This isn't real. This isn't real.

This cannot be real.

I have seen this thread floating around and have avoided it so far. Now I wish I hadn't clicked today - pretty sure I developed an ulcer from reading it.

Is there a way to hide a thread so I don't have to see it on the top of the forums?

[LittleDarlings]

Don't forget that male feminists do exist too! And I might suggest (in the spirit of the third wave) that we widen the target group to be human beings - because as I see it (and please correct me if I'm wrong! I'm newly awakened) feminism is in part a movement to liberate women (and the LGBTQ community, and men - though the latter is less an issue of institutional injustice) from the societal constructs of gender (which, of course, returns to choice).

Feminism is so confusing.