Finding a husband in graduate school.

[astroyogi]

I want it so much, it needs to just happen for me finally.

 

I find this to be a very common mentality (especially in the good ol' USA), and a toxic one.

 

I try to replace it with "I want it so much, I will do everything in my power to achieve this goal and see what comes of my best efforts." 

[LittleDarlings]

I find this to be a very common mentality (especially in the good ol' USA), and a toxic one.

 

I try to replace it with "I want it so much, I will do everything in my power to achieve this goal and see what comes of my best efforts."

... I have done everything in my power to get it. I have been dating since I was 18. At this point is does need to happen and I do deserve it. I actually have my life together, I have a job and I'm going back to school I'm not just some bum wanting to live off a guy. There is no reason for it to not happen for me. I know people way worse off than me who are in relationships (not that I would want to date who they date)

[glm]

... I have done everything in my power to get it. I have been dating since I was 18. At this point is does need to happen and I do deserve it. I actually have my life together, I have a job and I'm going back to school I'm not just some bum wanting to live off a guy. There is no reason for it to not happen for me. I know people way worse off than me who are in relationships (not that I would want to date who they date)

 

Dating since you were 18, having a job, and going back to school does not mean you are entitled to a relationship. People have been telling you similar things throughout this 22 page thread. They have offered great advice and kind words, and all of it has been completely disregarded by you. For all the time you spend complaining about your lonely life on Grad Cafe, you could be cultivating a hobby or something. Seriously. Go do something to make yourself a better person.

[astroyogi]

Dating since you were 18, having a job, and going back to school does not mean you are entitled to a relationship. People have been telling you similar things throughout this 22 page thread. They have offered great advice and kind words, and all of it has been completely disregarded by you. For all the time you spend complaining about your lonely life on Grad Cafe, you could be cultivating a hobby or something. Seriously. Go do something to make yourself a better person.

 

Hear hear. I really have nothing more to contribute, it's on you CorruptedInnocence.

 

I wish that vigorously trying to convince other people on online forums that you deserve a relationship would get you one, but unfortunately I think that's out of our jurisdiction. 

[starofdawn]

Can this thread die now? Please?

[LittleDarlings]

I admit I do need more hobbies and to focus on making friends... I just have having friends in relationships it's so annoying. I don't even know where I would start finding a hobby lol I like guns and shooting, I went to a range with my ex but I doubt I would ever go alone. I like wine I can take a wine making class alone

[legan]

Meetup.com

 

Do things, meet people.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Meetup.com

 

Do things, meet people.

Craigslist.org

Do people, meet things.

[LittleDarlings]

I did a meetup group once the people were kind of weird like social outcasts. Maybe I just picked a bad group. I have a date tonight just cross your fingers for this one

[trizzleYO]

I did a meetup group once the people were kind of weird like social outcasts. Maybe I just picked a bad group. I have a date tonight just cross your fingers for this one

 

I think your best plan of action is to show him this thread as soon as you meet.

Edited February 20, 2014 by trizzleYO

[Kamisha]

I think your best plan of action is to show him this thread as soon as you meet.

 

/thread. Haha. 

[LittleDarlings]

I think your best plan of action is to show him this thread as soon as you meet.

No. I don't know how I feel about this date. He didn't pay, we split which is like a major no for me. Like I don't go out with men who don't pay it's just not polite. However he was kinda cute and smart... Idk I can't decide if I'm into him. He got me a cute little chocolate heart sucker for valentines day (because we were supposed to go out last Thursday) I can't decide though.

The most you people ask for the thread to end you just push it back up so thanks:)

Edited February 20, 2014 by CorruptedInnocence

[Horb]

......me

 

Gnome Chomsky, I wish there were a fan option on Grad Cafe. You are hysterical.

[seeingeyeduck]

I can't believe some of you want this thread to end when obviously it is in contention for some sort of epicness award, heh...

 

But what if I go through school doing well and being confident and still don't meet someone? Like time is really running out. If I don't meet someone in school then what? I just don't know how to not look. I want it so much, it needs to just happen for me finally. I was a great girlfriend at one point. But ok would not looking mean that I have to delete my dating apps?

 

Some of the best advice I ever got was to cross that bridge when I come to it rather than worry about things that haven't even happened yet. Your worry is making you more desperate, when there is no actual evidence in the world that suggests you will be alone at 30. Why not save the freaking out about it until after you are actually 28 or 29? You're worried about something that MIGHT happen in 6-7 years. A lot of things COULD happen; if you worried about them all, you'd never stop worrying. Instead, realize that it's just as likely that you'll actually have found someone by then. None of us can tell the future so why only imagine the bad outcome? It's a bias - distorted thinking as the psychologists call it. You may as well imagine the good outcome.

[IRToni]

But what if I go through school doing well and being confident and still don't meet someone? Like time is really running out. If I don't meet someone in school then what? I just don't know how to not look. I want it so much, it needs to just happen for me finally. I was a great girlfriend at one point. But ok would not looking mean that I have to delete my dating apps?

 

Wanting doesn't make it happen, unfortunately. How is time running out? Honestly, I believe that as long as you're so fixated on getting this one thing, you won't be happy. Let's say you meet Mr. Perfect (whatever that is...) tomorrow. Would you be happy then? Or would you keep pushing/worrying about getting married, and therefore be unhappy? You guys marry, you don't get pregnant instantly. Same worrying/being unhappy. You do get pregnant, and suddenly have everything you ever wanted. Are you happy? If your happiness is dependent on external circumstances, you'll never truly be happy!

 

I admit I do need more hobbies and to focus on making friends... I just have having friends in relationships it's so annoying. I don't even know where I would start finding a hobby lol I like guns and shooting, I went to a range with my ex but I doubt I would ever go alone. I like wine I can take a wine making class alone

 

Because of health issues, I am currently not allowed to do sports, which usually is my major group hobby. This just means that I looked for something else to do, and now go to a board game evening twice a week. There's a cool core group that I see almost every time, but also new people to meet. I'm actively NOT looking for a BF, because I know I'll be leaving again soon. Most of my co-workers are in relationships, and many of my best friends are as well. While it sometimes can be annoying, if all they ever talk about is their SO, if they do annoy me, I talk to them about it. Mostly, I'm happy they are happy, but I'm also glad I don't have to take someone else into consideration at this point.

 

No. I don't know how I feel about this date. He didn't pay, we split which is like a major no for me. Like I don't go out with men who don't pay it's just not polite. However he was kinda cute and smart... Idk I can't decide if I'm into him. He got me a cute little chocolate heart sucker for valentines day (because we were supposed to go out last Thursday) I can't decide though.

The most you people ask for the thread to end you just push it back up so thanks:)

Seriously? He didn't pay, so that's a major Nono? Why should he pay? Why don't you pay? Aren't you impolite not to offer to pay? You have a job, right? It's not like (in the old days), when guys had to pay because women didn't have an income. Also, you don't have to decide right now if you're into him (though, if you have to think, you're probably not, at least not at this point).

[LittleDarlings]

Wanting doesn't make it happen, unfortunately. How is time running out? Honestly, I believe that as long as you're so fixated on getting this one thing, you won't be happy. Let's say you meet Mr. Perfect (whatever that is...) tomorrow. Would you be happy then? Or would you keep pushing/worrying about getting married, and therefore be unhappy? You guys marry, you don't get pregnant instantly. Same worrying/being unhappy. You do get pregnant, and suddenly have everything you ever wanted. Are you happy? If your happiness is dependent on external circumstances, you'll never truly be happy!

 

 

Because of health issues, I am currently not allowed to do sports, which usually is my major group hobby. This just means that I looked for something else to do, and now go to a board game evening twice a week. There's a cool core group that I see almost every time, but also new people to meet. I'm actively NOT looking for a BF, because I know I'll be leaving again soon. Most of my co-workers are in relationships, and many of my best friends are as well. While it sometimes can be annoying, if all they ever talk about is their SO, if they do annoy me, I talk to them about it. Mostly, I'm happy they are happy, but I'm also glad I don't have to take someone else into consideration at this point.

 

Seriously? He didn't pay, so that's a major Nono? Why should he pay? Why don't you pay? Aren't you impolite not to offer to pay? You have a job, right? It's not like (in the old days), when guys had to pay because women didn't have an income. Also, you don't have to decide right now if you're into him (though, if you have to think, you're probably not, at least not at this point).

To the first point, I do worry about that. I did date someone for a short time and it was still constant worry. Even though I had a guy and he was great I just constantly worried about when he would make if official, then if he was the one, just everything. I knew he wasn't the one because we had such different goals and plans for life. I kind of knew it wouldn't work but at the same time it was better than being alone.

2nd: When I first got into OSU I was like "ok not gonna worry about getting a bf because I will be moving soon. Now that I have other options I am worried again. If I get funding from this other school it would be smarter for me to go there but it's so close to where I live now that I would be in the same place and I've done a lot of dating in this area and it's been a fail lol so that makes me worry a little. I can't do sports so I just don't know what kind of group I would join. I did a board game group but it was just weird kind of (like the people). Where I live is weird there's nothing around so most meet up groups are far. I could try again. My friends... Am I happy that they are happy? I mean I don't care a ton, I know that sounds mean and it's great for them but if doesn't benefit me at all. It's great they are happy but I want to be happy too.

Last point: I only offered to pay because it would be rude not to. I always do but most guys are like "no I asked you out I should pay" which I agree with! I mean I work but I JUST started working like Monday so I don't have money (I mean I had enough for that but still) it is just rude to me. If I knew I would be paying I wouldn't have went to be honest because I have other things to buy. I just feel like it's the right thing to do as a guy. I might go out with this guy again but knowing that every date we go on I will likely pay for myself kind of makes me a little less motivated to see him again. I'm an old school kind of girl so I like the old days when men were actually men and did manly things. I don't know if I will go out with him, probably not.

[St Andrews Lynx]

Last point: I only offered to pay because it would be rude not to. I always do but most guys are like "no I asked you out I should pay" which I agree with! I mean I work but I JUST started working like Monday so I don't have money (I mean I had enough for that but still) it is just rude to me. If I knew I would be paying I wouldn't have went to be honest because I have other things to buy. I just feel like it's the right thing to do as a guy. I might go out with this guy again but knowing that every date we go on I will likely pay for myself kind of makes me a little less motivated to see him again. I'm an old school kind of girl so I like the old days when men were actually men and did manly things. I don't know if I will go out with him, probably not.

 

It seems funny that in one post you lament the fact that "everybody" has a partner and it's so awful and unfair and you really, really want one...

 

...And in the next post you recount how you went on a date and was completely turned off because a guy agreed to let you pay 50% when you offered (he probably thought he was being friendly and respectful by agreeing to your request to share the bill!). 

 

Girl, you're sabotaging yourself. *You* are the reason that you are still single.

[darmok]

Why is everyone feeding the troll?

[deleonj]

To the first point, I do worry about that. I did date someone for a short time and it was still constant worry. Even though I had a guy and he was great I just constantly worried about when he would make if official, then if he was the one, just everything. I knew he wasn't the one because we had such different goals and plans for life. I kind of knew it wouldn't work but at the same time it was better than being alone.

2nd: When I first got into OSU I was like "ok not gonna worry about getting a bf because I will be moving soon. Now that I have other options I am worried again. If I get funding from this other school it would be smarter for me to go there but it's so close to where I live now that I would be in the same place and I've done a lot of dating in this area and it's been a fail lol so that makes me worry a little. I can't do sports so I just don't know what kind of group I would join. I did a board game group but it was just weird kind of (like the people). Where I live is weird there's nothing around so most meet up groups are far. I could try again. My friends... Am I happy that they are happy? I mean I don't care a ton, I know that sounds mean and it's great for them but if doesn't benefit me at all. It's great they are happy but I want to be happy too.

Last point: I only offered to pay because it would be rude not to. I always do but most guys are like "no I asked you out I should pay" which I agree with! I mean I work but I JUST started working like Monday so I don't have money (I mean I had enough for that but still) it is just rude to me. If I knew I would be paying I wouldn't have went to be honest because I have other things to buy. I just feel like it's the right thing to do as a guy. I might go out with this guy again but knowing that every date we go on I will likely pay for myself kind of makes me a little less motivated to see him again. I'm an old school kind of girl so I like the old days when men were actually men and did manly things. I don't know if I will go out with him, probably not.

You have to be happy with yourself before feeling secure and happy in a relationship. That involves not focusing on whether or not your friends are in a relationship. Be happy for them, and do try and enjoy your own life while you are young. Don't you think that you are worth that much? *backs away slowly*

[doingthings]

......me

Ditto that.

[Lisa44201]

Oh gracious, go out with him again because he's not The One. Date the guy casually and have fun.

[marsmat]

I feel completely baffled by the fact that people continue to give the OP truly kind, helpful and encouraging advice. By now it must be obvious to everyone that s/he will never see sense, so why bother?

 

I may be unusually callous but I think this person seriously needs to sort out their issues, probably with a decent therapist, and that spending hours and hours being negative and disagreeable to anonymous well-wishers on the internet is getting in the way of this.

[roguesenna]

. At this point is does need to happen and I do deserve it.

 

As long as you "need" it to happen, it will be EXTREMELY difficult for you to find a truly healthy and satisfying relationship. If you feel like you need a relationship to be happy, you will undoubtedly lead yourself into a situtation of codependence which is really unhealthy (at best, the relationship tends to be suffocating, at worst, it can become abusive).

 

My recommendation, and try not to be offended, is to wait until you get to school and then take advantage of free therapy (usually schools offer free therapy). I'm not saying you are crazy or anything like that, far from it. But therapy can help you get in touch with who you are and give you an objective third pary to talk to who has your best interests at heart and will not give you advice based on biases (even biases in your favor can be harmful if they inspire someone to give you misguided advice). Simultaneously, a therapist can help you see through your own fixations to help you acheive what you want in the healthiest way possible with good results.

 

Essentially, you need to become a person who doesn't need a relationship to be happy before you can get a relationship that will make you happy. It sounds like a catch 22, I know, but in my experience that's the only way it truly works.

[roguesenna]

I feel completely baffled by the fact that people continue to give the OP truly kind, helpful and encouraging advice. By now it must be obvious to everyone that s/he will never see sense, so why bother?

 

I may be unusually callous but I think this person seriously needs to sort out their issues, probably with a decent therapist, and that spending hours and hours being negative and disagreeable to anonymous well-wishers on the internet is getting in the way of this.

 

Because if one of us can actually help her it would be worth it to her and to us(?). Well, to me at least. And I don't think she's beind negative and disagreeable on purpose. Honestly, it seems like she's speaking from inexperience and a deep and frustrating desire. I've been there, I know how it feels, I realized the advice that I am giving her that got me past that point and if someone could have rescued me from that sooner, I would have appreciated it, so I'm trying to help.

[trizzleYO]

If she is not a fake, then man, i don't even know.  Just stop complaining and whining.  How much do you have in this life?  You know what's really rude and offensive?  Complaining about menial shit when you have so much. 

 

Heartfelt advice, quit being so self-obssesed / absorbed and maybe other people will appreciate you more.  Honestly, nothing is more un-attractive than someone who doesn't appreciate what they have / are and feel entitled to everything.