Baby on the way

[MrPootawn]

Hi all,

 

First time poster here but hoping to solicit some advice while remaining anonymous.

 

I'm in my 4th year of my PhD.  I expect I have anywhere from 15-24 months remaining before I am ready to defend/graduate (that includes thesis being written, edited etc).

 

I just found out my girlfriend is pregnant (5 weeks or so), and lets just say it was unexpected. 

 

She works full-time for a NPO, and though we are comfortable financially we are just barely on the cusp of that category.  My grad student salary is modest, her salary is respectable and we own a home together as well as 2 vehicles. 

 

If we were to have the baby, our respective parents would be thrilled and certainly help out financially but we're worried about being spread too thin.  Kids are expensive and a ton of work, and though we want to have kids eventually we weren't planning on doing so this early. 

 

So any advice?  Is it manageable?  Will it delay my graduation significantly as well as hamstring my future educational goals? (I am considering medical school after my PhD).  Any advice, anecdotal or otherwise would be much appreciated.

[Lisa44201]

As a mother of two small children (6 and 3), yes, it is possible, manageable, etc. etc. It is also challenging in ways that non-parents cannot begin to fathom - words cannot adequately describe the way your life will change.

 

I cannot imagine that it would delay your graduation at all, nor set you up for failure in your future endeavors (there are enough of us student-parents out there to prove that it is indeed possible). If you find a future program gives you any flak because you have a child, that's a program you don't want to go to. It really is that simple.

 

If your girlfriend does not have daycare options through her job, look into them at your University; they may offer you a discount, even. Also talk to other students who have kids; it's nice to know you're not alone in this adventure. You'll need to talk to your adviser at some point, too; especially if they have kids, they'll understand. 

 

You may end up reading your dissertation to the baby as a bed-time story; I distinctly remember reading GRE vocab words to my younger one; you all will be fine.

 

Welcome to an incredible chapter of your life.

[LittleDarlings]

I mean I would think one would think of how a baby would effect their life BEFORE they do the things that create babies... Anyways it is in there now so guess you just have to adjust. Good luck. 

[Queen of Kale]

I mean I would think one would think of how a baby would effect their life BEFORE they do the things that create babies... Anyways it is in there now so guess you just have to adjust. Good luck. 

In five years if he chooses to marry this girl and raise a child with her he will be exactly the sort of person you envy for "having it all" - so I don't know why you decided to reprimand him.  It sounds like he has things at least as together as your shrink who you cited as an inspiration.  

 

Everyone should take a moment and give the other person benefit of the doubt when these things happen.  Assume MrPootawn is an intelligent person who understands 'baby creation' and that sometimes things just don't go as planned.  

 

And I don't intend this to be a personal attack Pinkster; but I do want to have this guys back while he makes a complex and nuanced decision.

 

That said MrPootawn, I used to work in an industry that put me in contact with many people who opened up to me (ahemhairdresserahem) and the secret I found out is that almost no one has children the way they planned. And yet almost everyone you meet is thankful for their children and wouldn't change a thing. Conversely, marriage is something we try to plan and make perfect and plenty of people regret it. Bottom line - don't assume that the wrench in your plans is not better than your plans.  

 

And good luck whatever your choice!

[LittleDarlings]

Well actually I said my THERAPIST had an ideal situation. My point is if you don't want a kid then we all know what it takes to make a kid. If I was in a PhD program I wouldn't get pregnant if I didn't WANT to. Just saying. What I said was honest. I mean HE created his complex situation did he not?

Anyways whatever I'm not going to argue about it.

Edited December 18, 2013 by Pinkster12

[St Andrews Lynx]

...Is that a tiny touch of envy I sense here, Pinkster?

 

To the OP: congratulations! 

I don't see how it would be too detrimental to your thesis defense - depending on your field you might be able to work/research from home (writing up can certainly be done at home), so you could take some responsibility for the childcare. The effect it has on your future career & training I guess is entirely up to you - after your girlfriend has the child you might decide that a 9-5 job with a steady income is more important than another advanced degree. Or that your combined salaries are enough to support the family and med school is an option you still want to pursue. 

[Queen of Kale]

I wanted to up-vote you, St Andrew Lynx, for being the first to give the perfect response "Congratulations" - but as usual I'm out.  But thanks for keeping it classy on the inter webs

[St Andrews Lynx]

You're welcome. I gave you an up-vote as a token of my appreciation.

[LittleDarlings]

Jealous of???? 

 

Believe me if I wanted to be pregnant right now I am sure I could.. not that hard to be irresponsible, obviously

 

Out of curiosity how old is the OP?

Edited December 18, 2013 by Pinkster12

[hj2012]

Jealous of???? 

 

Believe me if I wanted to be pregnant right now I am sure I could.. not that hard to be irresponsible, obviously

 

Out of curiosity how old is the OP?

 

Wait...how is the OP irresponsible?

 

From the OP's post, it seems that he's in a stable relationship. He says he owns a home and two vehicles TOGETHER with his partner, so this is obviously not a random fling. 

 

Even if you take every necessary precaution, sometimes pregnancy still happens. There's no contraception that comes with a 100% guarantee. 

 

Anyway -- OP, congratulations. A close friend of mine recently had a baby; she's ABD and seems to be balancing the writing process and parenting life pretty well. Also, I was born while my father was still a Ph.D. student, and my parents managed fine. My mother had a full-time job, and my great-aunt was able to provide childcare, which really helped them a lot. As far as I can tell, I'm not any worse for the wear.   It's definitely doable, and I wish you and your girlfriend all the best.

[LittleDarlings]

.... I know the whole "birth control fails, condoms fail" argument (even though I have NEVER once met someone with that as their excuse but ok). Anyways like I said if you don't want a baby or aren't READY for one then we all know how they are created. 

[raneck]

Congrats Op!

 

I know quite a few PhD students who had kids during their schooling.  In fact, my advisor had to bolt out at the end of his own dissertation because his wife had gone into labor with their first kid

 

... or should I be saying that you should never ever ever have sex if you are not planning to have a baby that very moment?  Sometimes I have trouble remembering what decade I'm in.

[FestivusMiracle]

Jealous of???? 

 

Believe me if I wanted to be pregnant right now I am sure I could.. not that hard to be irresponsible, obviously

 

Out of curiosity how old is the OP?

Prove it!!!

[fuzzylogician]

Congratulations, OP!

 

My own opinion is that there is never a "good time" to have children but I actually think the advanced stages of grad school are a relatively easier time, when you are not tied down with courses and can work from home to help with childcare. It sounds like you'll do alright financially, though certainly there will be more expenses and that will have an effect on your life. As for further down the road future plans, I am of the opinion that things can be managed, as necessary, though it won't be easy. Having a child will make things more complicated than before, but it will also introduce many joys to your life. I would say, expect the unexpected and take things as they come.

[LittleDarlings]

Prove it!!!

... Yes it would be so smart of me to get pregnant at this moment when I am single and applying to grad school. Sorry but I make better decisions than that. Like I said I'm not irresponsible.

As far as waiting until you want a baby for sex... Umm I didn't know they STOPPED the production of condoms and birth control in the last year? Hmmm

[Lisa44201]

.... I know the whole "birth control fails, condoms fail" argument (even though I have NEVER once met someone with that as their excuse but ok). Anyways like I said if you don't want a baby or aren't READY for one then we all know how they are created. 

Pinkster12, meet Lisa44201. I got pregnant with both my kids while on two forms of birth control. It happens.

[LittleDarlings]

Pinkster12, meet Lisa44201. I got pregnant with both my kids while on two forms of birth control. It happens.

And you were using it correctly? 

I have a hard time believing people who actually use forms of BC correctly are THAT likely to get pregnant it just isn't likely.  I think it's an excuse, I have been on BC a while and about 3 different types of pills and other forms and not once have I gotten pregnant, tr had a scare so... Just saying.  

[St Andrews Lynx]

Sometimes antibiotics can interfere with the effectiveness of a contraceptive pill. You can put on a condom but it still might get ripped or come off. 

Here are some statistics about the effectiveness of different kinds of birth control (I'm a scientist, I like to back up my arguments with um, facts)

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/birth-control-effectiveness-chart-22710.htm

 

Even if you are taking a contraceptive pill you still have nearly a 10% chance of getting pregnant, and that's assuming you remember to take a pill every day, and that you aren't taking other medication that could nullify the contraceptive's effectiveness...

[LittleDarlings]

Of you can ask your doctor about drug interactions (that is what I always did), you should probably remember to take your pill everyday because... that is what it is for, and yes I understand condoms rip BUT if you have a back up birth control that shouldn't really matter as much:/   so I still think that people make a lot of excuses.  Again, I managed to avoid pregnancy all this time... 

[biotechie]

Hi all,

 

First time poster here but hoping to solicit some advice while remaining anonymous.

 

I'm in my 4th year of my PhD.  I expect I have anywhere from 15-24 months remaining before I am ready to defend/graduate (that includes thesis being written, edited etc).

 

I just found out my girlfriend is pregnant (5 weeks or so), and lets just say it was unexpected. 

 

She works full-time for a NPO, and though we are comfortable financially we are just barely on the cusp of that category.  My grad student salary is modest, her salary is respectable and we own a home together as well as 2 vehicles. 

 

If we were to have the baby, our respective parents would be thrilled and certainly help out financially but we're worried about being spread too thin.  Kids are expensive and a ton of work, and though we want to have kids eventually we weren't planning on doing so this early. 

 

So any advice?  Is it manageable?  Will it delay my graduation significantly as well as hamstring my future educational goals? (I am considering medical school after my PhD).  Any advice, anecdotal or otherwise would be much appreciated.

 

This may actually be the best time for you and your girlfriend to have a baby until after you are established (either as a doctor or whatever other field you want to be in), which could be a long time from now if you go to med school. I'm not positive that you are in a science discipline, but I think you are. This time in your graduate career, you should be able to schedule your lab time fairly well to compensate for the needs of your family. When you're in med school, it is going to be high stress, and going to doctor's appointments with your girlfriend, getting all of the baby stuff ready, and the long nights being up with a crying baby would be more difficult.

 

You seem like you're in a stable place in your lives, so I say enjoy the ride. Plan out your expenses as best as you can manage and start saving as much as you can right now for unexpected expenses. Once your girlfriend goes to her doctors appointment and confirms that everything is alright, you need to talk to your PhD advisor to let them know and discuss with them any concerns you have about your studies and about being able to support your girlfriend through this process and to be a good father. These days, most advisors I know of are pretty good about it, and most are happy to see you out of the lab for doctors appointments, etc as long as you still get your work done. My school even allows new dads to take a short paternity leave.

 

I know if I suddenly got pregnant, I would have all of the same questions. I'm proud of you for voicing your concerns and for seemingly being prepared to face them. It will be difficult, especially when your adorable poop-machine is screaming through the night, but in the end, I've never heard a parent say it isn't worth it. Please ignore the negativity on this post; we can't change events that have already happened, and you shouldn't have to be rebuked for this at all. Most of us are very happy for you (even those of us like myself who don't want babies of our own) and I hope that if you're struggling or can't get answers you need, you'll come back to us. There are tons of students who have had babies in graduate school and lived to tell the tale.

 

So congratulations and good luck! Now you just need a baby bib that says, "Product of PhD" and you're set!

[St Andrews Lynx]

...Yes, but just because you personally have not become pregnant after using contraception, it does not automatically follow that anyone who gets (unexpectedly) pregnant while using contraception is (i) stupid (ii) reckless (iii) using their contraception incorrectly. 

[biotechie]

"I'm a scientist, I like to back up my arguments with um, facts" - Thank you! I wanted to say that but couldn't bring myself to do so. There are also significant differences between individuals in body biochemistry that affects if the pill or shot is effective or not, and there is no way right now for doctors to test that out. They sort of have to be like, "Well, let's try this one!" Despite saying that you can ask your doctor all of these questions about drug interactions, you can't guarantee a super high prevention from birth control pills and condoms even when they are used 100% correctly. We're probably not experts in birth control, but we are able to access the science journals where they publish about the efficiency of it in greater detail and we do have an understanding of the molecular mechanisms behind its function. I won't go as far as to specifically say a specific type is best or to rebuke someone for their birth control methods not working... because I am not qualified or an expert in that field. You don't know the situation, so please don't judge.

 

How about instead of continuing such a debate, here, we actually do what this thread is supposed to be about and support MrPootawn? We're talking about a beautiful baby, here, and the stresses of becoming a parent... not birth control failure.

[LittleDarlings]

Believe me I know the stats of contraceptives, the chances of getting pregnant while correctly using them is not that high. Is it my fault that people aren't responsible, don't ask their doctors questions etc...? No. Like I said I haven't been pregnant from BC I don't personally know people who have. Most of my friends have been on BC for years and not gotten pregnant. I'm not saying it doesn't happen obviously I understand it does but I'm saying people use that as an excuse way more than it should be. I don't even know that that's is the OPs situation, either way it was irresponsible.

Support? Umm I think I was pretty supportive in the first post. I said "good luck" that's about as supportive as I can be with such irresponsible behavior.

Edited December 18, 2013 by Pinkster12

[Monochrome Spring]

Congratulations!! (Just ignore the people who would be unhappy for you b/c they're too worried about even finding a significant other in graduate school and don't understand how birth control works or what 'responsible' means.)

 

It's going to be a bumpy road, but I think you're far enough into your program that you can handle it just fine. Like biotechie said, I think that med school will be tougher to balance a baby with, so this is right where you want to be. Maybe you can find a forum full of med students with babies (or even a group at your future program) and get support there. It's not that uncommon, and I'm sure they'll have wonderful tips to help you get through everything.

 

Again, congratulations, and please keep us updated.

Edited December 18, 2013 by Monochrome Spring

[Maziana]

I used to know two grad students who had young children, and they graduated on time without any issues. Even bringing their toddlers to the annual lab Christmas party. I'd recommend you talk to others in a similar position if you two decide to keep the baby. But rest assured it is very possible to complete graduate school with kids! 

 

I'm afraid I don't have any more advice, but I wish you the best of luck! It's so great that your parents sound willing to step up and support you.