Baby on the way

[GeoDUDE!]

Pinkster, we should go out. I'm in a graduate program looking for a wife but I haven't found anyone. You will have to convert to Judaism, as my kids must be Jewish.  

 

I love this thread.

[LittleDarlings]

Lol Ratlab... Umm I will probably still join eharmony, still have the 50s lifestyle and also have a social work degree. I have to do something until I find the husband. Haha the fact that you're actually mad is funny sorry it just is.

GEO I watched Sex and the City when Charlotte became Jewish for her husband... I don't know think I want to do that. Lol

[GeoDUDE!]

Lol Ratlab... Umm I will probably still join eharmony, still have the 50s lifestyle and also have a social work degree. I have to do something until I find the husband. Haha the fact that you're actually mad is funny sorry it just is.

GEO I watched Sex and the City when Charlotte became Jewish for her husband... I don't know think I want to do that. Lol

 

 

Wow I even get shot down on the internet. Man.

[LittleDarlings]

Lol

[Eigen]

So to get the thread back on topic, since everyone seems to be feeding the trolls (c'mon guys, you all know better)....

 

My PI has recommended to me that my wife and I have kids now, in the last few years of our PhD. He and his wife had their children when they were early TT, and he says looking back the last few years of graduate school would have been by far the easiest, assuming you have a good PI. 

 

I have friends that have done both during grad school and just after grad school, and all of them have had things work out just fine. 

 

At some point, there's a difference between unexpected and unwanted pregnancies, and from what you say, this wasn't planned, but you look like you're in a good situation to handle it. 

 

So, congratulations!

 

Definitely look into child care options through your school, as well as paternity leave policies- or talk to your PI, especially if they have children. If you have a good relationship with them, you're likely to get good advice as well as some support and help throughout. 

[LittleDarlings]

I'm a troll for calling someone out as irresponsible, which their actions prove. Ok then

[Knox]

I'm a single parent with a 3 year old little girl and I'm currently in a PhD program. I got pregnant during senior year of my undergrad, and took all my finals 2 days after she was born. I've been in school full time and working full time since she was born, and I've managed fine. Sometimes it's hard (midterm and finals week in particular), especially since I'm on my own without the help or financial support of a spouse or partner, but we survive. It's definitely doable. Congratulations!

[LittleDarlings]

So I'm going to just end this and try not to even look at this post anymore after this but it just bums me out like literally I made a post about wanting to meet a man in school and have a traditional family and I get so much crap and like crapped on, I wasn't already pregnant, I wasn't trying to randomly get pregnant by whoever and I get crap. Everyone tells me how it's so "hard" to have kids and do school (a 2 year program mind you... Not even a PhD) and how it's nearly impossible and I need to wait until like 30 and be "selfish" in my 20s (which sounds awful to me). But all of a sudden it's perfectly fine and normal and easy to have kids in school. Literally I'm going for a Masters that shouldn't even be that hard for a field that isn't even that hard to progress in. I'm sure Bio and med school is WAY more difficult than being a social worker, but no obviously it's so wrong and difficult to be 22 and wanting a husband and babies while in school. It's just kind of crappy. I mean I'm sure a 2 year program doesn't pose as much complication as a PhD. I know a guy whose been with his gf 3 years and she's getting a PhD in clinical psych and he wouldn't dream of getting her pregnant now and she wouldn't want to be pregnant now, and he makes great money as an engineer. It's just messed up that I got crap.

[ratlab]

So self-centered.

[LinguisticMystic]

Call me judgmental, but maintaining 100% responsibility and being unwilling to live with some "risk taking" (like ONLY using ONE form of birth control, for example) are no way to live and enjoy life. Seriously. And call me Pinkster for fantasizing about getting married and becoming pregnant (not necessarily in that order because I'm only 90% responsible), but I have for a while envisioned the later PhD years as being a reasonable time for these things to happen. With the recognition that pregnancy and child-rearing always bring stress and major adjustment even under the so-called "ideal" circumstances, of course it makes sense to seek the advise and experiences of others.

[TakeruK]

So to get the thread back on topic, since everyone seems to be feeding the trolls (c'mon guys, you all know better)....

 

My PI has recommended to me that my wife and I have kids now, in the last few years of our PhD. He and his wife had their children when they were early TT, and he says looking back the last few years of graduate school would have been by far the easiest, assuming you have a good PI. 

 

I have friends that have done both during grad school and just after grad school, and all of them have had things work out just fine. 

 

At some point, there's a difference between unexpected and unwanted pregnancies, and from what you say, this wasn't planned, but you look like you're in a good situation to handle it. 

 

So, congratulations!

 

Definitely look into child care options through your school, as well as paternity leave policies- or talk to your PI, especially if they have children. If you have a good relationship with them, you're likely to get good advice as well as some support and help throughout. 

 

I'd second this! I factored in the ability to have children in my PhD when I selected my school, and from talking to the students, they told me that grad students may also qualify for low income benefits from the state (which you guys may not be eligible for though). My current school has benefits for dependent health care ($1200/year) and up to $4000/year for childcare if both parents are working (or if you're a single parent student). So, make sure you check out what resources your school can provide!

 

 

So I'm going to just end this and try not to even look at this post anymore after this but it just bums me out like literally I made a post about wanting to meet a man in school and have a traditional family and I get so much crap and like crapped on, I wasn't already pregnant, I wasn't trying to randomly get pregnant by whoever and I get crap. Everyone tells me how it's so "hard" to have kids and do school (a 2 year program mind you... Not even a PhD) and how it's nearly impossible and I need to wait until like 30 and be "selfish" in my 20s (which sounds awful to me). But all of a sudden it's perfectly fine and normal and easy to have kids in school. Literally I'm going for a Masters that shouldn't even be that hard for a field that isn't even that hard to progress in. I'm sure Bio and med school is WAY more difficult than being a social worker, but no obviously it's so wrong and difficult to be 22 and wanting a husband and babies while in school. It's just kind of crappy. I mean I'm sure a 2 year program doesn't pose as much complication as a PhD. I know a guy whose been with his gf 3 years and she's getting a PhD in clinical psych and he wouldn't dream of getting her pregnant now and she wouldn't want to be pregnant now, and he makes great money as an engineer. It's just messed up that I got crap.

 

I don't think anyone here said that the OP raising a baby with his girlfriend at this stage of life will be "easy". You were saying that it's irresponsible and horrible and bad, and we were disagreeing with you, but not all of us were actually saying that it's exactly the opposite. Like any life event, this has some great aspects for the OP (congrats!) and some less exciting aspects (e.g. the stress of a big life change). I wouldn't necessarily rush to call something "good" or "bad"--not everything needs a judgement either way. This is just life.

 

Also, there is no blanket "good" or "bad" that applies to everyone. Which is why it makes total sense for your engineer and clinical psych friends to not want to have babies right now, even though another couple in the exact same stage of their career may want to have children. And, for the record, I don't really have a problem with you wanting to be 22 and soon married with children. That's a perfectly fine goal to have and also a good idea to be in grad school so that you can develop your career plans while looking to start a family. But if I remember from that other thread, the main disagreement (and my main disagreement with your thinking) is when you apply your own values onto the lives of other and criticize their life choices (e.g. your aunt) when they don't match yours, like you are doing here.

 

Sure, the "1950s lifestyle" you want is a bit outdated, but I think if that's what you want, then you go ahead and get it! If one of my friends wanted this, I would support him/her all the way assuming that they find a spouse that want the same thing (and isn't forcing it on the other person). But since I would not judge this person for making different lifestyle choices, I would not want this person to judge everyone else for making different lifestyle choices. In my opinion, most of the "crap" you got is not because of what you want, but how you reacted to other people who appeared to want different things than you.

[verklempt]

Congrats, OP! I am a firm believer that there really is no perfect time to have children. Are your/her parents near? Try to see how much they would be able to help. I know a girl who was able to finish up some of her coursework and clinical hours early in order to give birth in November. She spoke with our program director who was very understanding about the whole thing. It worked out perfectly -- She graduated in December and is enjoying time with her daughter before taking her boards in the spring. As for med school, there are fora upon fora at studentdoctor.net. There may be a thread there describing your situation. Best wishes!

[SNPCracklePop]

I'm currently in my fourth year.  I came into my program with a kid, and my wife and I had our second at the end of my first year.  If you two have the baby, you'll be fine.  Your life will change wildly, but that's what happens when you have a baby.  Your free time will fade, your wallet remains empty, your sleep will... <--- OK, that part's a little rough.  You will have motivation that your peers won't.  Your mind/goals/outlook may change, and minor failures/disappointments in your program that come along the way may not hit you as hard as they would have before... and that's a beautiful thing.  Seek out a mother or father grad student in the program, we're not hard to miss.  We can be identified by the bags under our eyes, a coffee mug glued to our hands, and our clothes are usually decorated with some kind of mystery stain(s).  Best to gain all the insight you can.  Let your advisor know if you have the baby as soon as you can, and start planning.  That little one comes faster than you think.  Best of luck to you.

[Lisa44201]

Full disclosure: this post originally was incredibly snarky. 

 

There is never a perfect time to have a baby. Doesn't matter if you're married or not, doesn't matter if you're in school or not. You can waste your life waiting for that next promotion, for the market to come up a little more, for one more degree, one more publication, a tenure track position to come up.... Things could always be better.

 

My sister and her husband had been married for the better part of five years before she got pregnant with their first child. My sister was in her fourth year of a Doctoral program. She brought up the topic of kids and life schedules and such with her adviser, and he flat-out told her she should get pregnant then. Do not wait for graduation, do not wait for that perfect job. The timing will never be perfect. It's a lot easier later in the grad school career than it is the first year or two, but there are folks out there who have kids their first year (or in undergrad, even, as I did).

 

Pinkster: When you counsel people professionally, your opinion stays out of it. It's called professional distance. You do not get to state your opinion on your client's behavior and then proceed. That is unprofessional, and it will get you fired. You will deal with people who do a hell of a lot worse than get pregnant in grad school, and you keep your opinion to yourself. If you want to howl about the unfairness of other people having stable relationships that lead to them having children while simultaneously successfully completing their graduate studies, make your own thread.

Edited December 19, 2013 by Lisa44201

[LittleDarlings]

You need to have sex, too. Just sayin'.

Haha so funny. Believe me I was having it... A lot (with the guy I was in a relationship with.. I'm not some slut)

[Cookie]

Congrats, OP!

My undergrad mentor, a grad student, and his wife had a kid during their last year. Both were writing their theses and managed it wonderfully. I'm sure you will, too. 

 

I'm going to do my part and down vote everything Pinkster12 says until she stops giving her unwanted opinions. 

tee hee

[LittleDarlings]

Congrats, OP!

My undergrad mentor, a grad student, and his wife had a kid during their last year. Both were writing their theses and managed it wonderfully. I'm sure you will, too.

I'm going to do my part and down vote everything Pinkster12 says until she stops giving her unwanted opinions.

tee hee

Lol good luck with that. Down votes don't phase me at all. Thanks though Edited December 19, 2013 by Pinkster12

[nohika]

Haha so funny. Believe me I was having it... A lot (with the guy I was in a relationship with.. I'm not some slut)

 

Ain't this the finest example of misogynistic slut shaming I've seen on GC so far. Well done.

 

I do agree with the it-will-never-be-perfect argument. There's always going to be something that stops it from being a 'perfect' time.

Edited December 19, 2013 by nohika

[Pol]

Loric and Pinkster are totally racing for the most down-votes.

 

 

The bets are open.

[LittleDarlings]

Ain't this the finest example of misogynistic slut shaming I've seen on GC so far. Well done.

 

I do agree with the it-will-never-be-perfect argument. There's always going to be something that stops it from being a 'perfect' time.

Slut shaming? Lol omg I cannot win.

I had to clarify that I'm not going around sleeping with everyone in life because I'm sure the next comment someone would make if I didn't say that would be "oh you're having a lot of sex... Slut" I mean that's the first thing that would pop into someone's mine. Oh well I slut shame lol don't care.

[St Andrews Lynx]

Loric and Pinkster are totally racing for the most down-votes.

I can't be the only one thinking that they'd make a great couple. 

They've actually got a fair amount in common...

[Lisa44201]

I can't be the only one thinking that they'd make a great couple. 

They've actually got a fair amount in common...

The website says I've reached my quota of upvotes for the day. 

[LittleDarlings]

I can't be the only one thinking that they'd make a great couple. 

They've actually got a fair amount in common...

Is Loric a guy who is cute? Who wants to get married and have kids like now? If so then yes please!

[MoJingly]

 I got pregnant during senior year of my undergrad, and took all my finals 2 days after she was born.

 

I can't even imagine that!  Go you!!  I can barely focus enough to take a final when I have a head cold

[SocGirl2013]

Dammit, GC needs to have more down-votes to give. I ran out before I even go to the most ridiculous bits (and accidentally upvoted one of them).

Jesus Christ. Stop it. Let the OP get his advice/opinion from people who genuinely wish others well and don't make every single thing in the world about themselves.

 

Congrats to OP! Hope things work out well for you regardless of what you decide!