Starting over in a new place....

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

If it helps any, I'll answer your original question. I moved across the country four months ago. It takes over 5 hours to travel from "home" to my new home by plane. If I can't afford a nonstop flight, then it's about 8 hours. It did take some adjusting at first, but that's always to be expected. 

 

 

How do you make friends in a new place? The same way that you should in a familiar place -- by investing in relationships. In a healthy friendship, you selflessly support a person and they selflessly support you back. You build trust by being a good friend through the good and the bad times.

 

Your "best friend" certainly seems to trust you. Right now, she's probably scared and could use all the support she can get. What good is it to be a friend to someone if you're only a "fair weather friend"? If you want to know how to befriend someone in a strange new environment, practice by being a good friend now.

I don't know so much about the "selflessly supporting" one another thing. I agree that's necessary for a real genuine friendship, but you don't need to do all that just to make casual friends. I would say, from experience, it's probably easier to make casual friends in a grad program as opposed to undergrad. I'm still an undergrad but I took some grad classes. What I noticed was, in undergrad, most of the people were from the area, had family in the area, had "best" friends in the area, and had a lot going for themselves. It was harder to break in to the undergrads' world unless, like you said, you selflessly support the other person. Whereas, all of the grad students (and there were only a handful of them) were from other states or even other countries. Some of them lived with a significant other, but none of them had family or really close friends in the area. They would always do things as a group. After class (it was a Thursday night class) they'd usually all go out for drinks, and they'd invite me. I guess what I'm saying is, in grad school, you'll most likely get invited to go out with the other group of grad students. They're also probably less judgmental than younger undergrads, so you really have no reason to feel insecure and whatnot. Now, this doesn't guarantee you'll make best of friends and even find a significant other, but you probably won't have any trouble making some casual friends. 

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

So how do I handle my personal feelings? The jealousy?

That question can't be answered in a 140 character message board post. You probably have to ask your therapist about that one. 

[biotechie]

I know I have thought about it. I just kind of hoped by the time I am taking on clients I will be married or pregnant or whatever and happy. I will just be happy. I used to work at a courthouse and deal with people in those situations all the time and I was fine. At the time I was working there I was also living alone in a big city, I was always busy so I didn't have time to worry about all the stuff I worry about now.

I know I want to go into social work but in all honesty I have no idea how I will handle those situations especially the pregnant teen. My therapist was a teen mom and I almost decided to switch doctors. I don't know what to do, I mean its a lose for me either way. If I don't go to school then I'm stuck here doing the nothing that I have been doing since graduation which has left me in a bad position.

Lets just hope by the time I'm in school I actually have good things happening to me instead of the awful things that happen to me now

 

You're always saying that you want to be married and pregnant by the time you take on clients, but have you really ever stopped to think of what happens if that DOES NOT happen for you? 2 years isn't a long time at all to meet someone, date, get engaged, and then married. Very few of my friends that ended up happy dated less than 2 years. I've known my boyfriend for almost 6 years, but we didn't date initially. It took 3 years for us to finally date, and that was after I stopped looking. I'm worried that with your shear desperation for someone, you're either going to be left alone in the dark or with someone who is horrible.

 

You need to take some time to write out the pros of being single in 2 years... because you have to realize it is a very real possibility. You have to prepare yourself for that and you have to find a way to be happy about that.

 

For example, I will be moving every 2-3 years after I graduate (at age 29) from my PhD program. A huge pro for me would be that I would be unattached and free to move as needed without having to worry about a significant other finding a job or finding a school for children. My likelihood of accruing extra debt is lower, and I'm a lot more free to be able to go out wherever and with whomever I want on a Friday night... or I can immerse myself in my lab work without worrying about someone being angry with me for being an hour late to come home. 

 

If you only ever look at the cons, you're never going to be happy in any situation, even with your grad degree. Yes, you learn a lot about yourself in graduate school, but it is not a place to find your whole self. I really think that you need to spend some time working on yourself before you spend a ton of money on a grad degree when you might find yourself mentally unable to handle the situations that will be presented to you on the job. These people that you're going to be working with need someone who will not judge them, who they can depend on to find ways to appropriately assist. How can someone who doesn't know themselves and only views one way of life as giving happiness provide that? The way you talk, if a girl like your friend came in, pregnant, scared, and not knowing what to do, you wouldn't be able to help them. This can be incredibly damaging to that person... and I know that I wouldn't be willing to even practice if I didn't have myself sorted out to the point where I could respect that lives of others do not have to fit this idea of "perfection" that you have in your mind.

 

To answer your initial post: I have been on my own since my MS, and moved 13 hours away for my PhD. Sometimes I am a little lonely, but I call a friend at home or we play games over IM, or I Skype my boyfriend. I spend most of my time at school (10-12 hours per day) and the rest of my day studying and reading papers. Some weekends, if I have time, I go shopping with some others from my program. Right now, we're prepping a welcome party for one of the guy's wives, so I get to shop for a party when I get back. Any time I am at school, I'm extremely happy. You just have to put on your big girl pants and go for it, be it single and happy, or married and happy. There's no other way to be.... because there are good things in nearly all situations.

[bedmas]

Okay, I'm going to answer the original post because even if pinkster is a troll, it might help someone in the future.

 

I was in a very similar situation at the end of August. 22, never moved out of my parents house, didn't make many friends in undergrad, had a pretty small friend group that i was terrified of leaving, etc. 

Moving and `starting over' is, hands down, the best thing to ever happen to me. if you have the opportunity to move somewhere where you don't know everything about everyone around you/they don't know everything about you, do it. i've grown so much as a person in the last 4 months and discovered so much about myself, and it's awesome. 

 

being new in town is pretty much the best excuse for doing things alone/meeting people. i know in my hometown i felt weird about doing stuff alone or trying to make new friends because it was kind of like "well, i've lived here for this long and i still feel really lonely. what's wrong with me? does everyone know there's something wrong with me??" when you're new to somewhere, you don't really have that weighing you down.

 

some of my personal experiences:

- Attend graduate student orientation. SERIOUSLY. almost everyone will be in the same boat as you - new in town, don't really know anyone, looking to make some connections. you'll probably have one day - one week of this kind of situation, so take advantage of it.  i have a really tight knit, small group of friends that i met at grad student orientation. they're awesome.

- On a similar note, seek out the people in your program that interest you. chances are your dept will have some sort of orientation that will be awkward as hell, but a good way to see who else is in your program! not just your cohort, too. the people i'm closest with in my department are not in my year.

- I've met a lot of people online, honestly. i'm very lucky to have moved to a city/area where the ~subcultures~ i'm into are really big. it's daunting as hell to find these people, but i've met a number of friends through tumblr and okcupid here. yes, online dating sites have other uses! obviously be safe, etc, but for meeting other vegan/queer/anti-oppressive people, the internet rules. 

- Put yourself out there. take the initiative to actually contact the people that you meet and want to spend time with. it's kind of awkward to do, but... whatever. most other people want human interaction!!

 

all of this assumes that you KEEP AN OPEN MIND. seriously. a lot of the people i've met are in relationships. we do not all have identical lifestyles. we do not all have identical interests. but if you are honest, non judgemental, and actually interested in forming strong friendships (or even peripheral friendships!), then moving away and starting over is awesome.

[dat_nerd]

I don't know so much about the "selflessly supporting" one another thing. I agree that's necessary for a real genuine friendship, but you don't need to do all that just to make casual friends. I would say, from experience, it's probably easier to make casual friends in a grad program as opposed to undergrad. 

Agreed. I was referring more to a best-friend relationship like the OP had originally asked about.

[LittleDarlings]

You're always saying that you want to be married and pregnant by the time you take on clients, but have you really ever stopped to think of what happens if that DOES NOT happen for you? 2 years isn't a long time at all to meet someone, date, get engaged, and then married. Very few of my friends that ended up happy dated less than 2 years. I've known my boyfriend for almost 6 years, but we didn't date initially. It took 3 years for us to finally date, and that was after I stopped looking. I'm worried that with your shear desperation for someone, you're either going to be left alone in the dark or with someone who is horrible.

 

You need to take some time to write out the pros of being single in 2 years... because you have to realize it is a very real possibility. You have to prepare yourself for that and you have to find a way to be happy about that.

 

For example, I will be moving every 2-3 years after I graduate (at age 29) from my PhD program. A huge pro for me would be that I would be unattached and free to move as needed without having to worry about a significant other finding a job or finding a school for children. My likelihood of accruing extra debt is lower, and I'm a lot more free to be able to go out wherever and with whomever I want on a Friday night... or I can immerse myself in my lab work without worrying about someone being angry with me for being an hour late to come home. 

 

If you only ever look at the cons, you're never going to be happy in any situation, even with your grad degree. Yes, you learn a lot about yourself in graduate school, but it is not a place to find your whole self. I really think that you need to spend some time working on yourself before you spend a ton of money on a grad degree when you might find yourself mentally unable to handle the situations that will be presented to you on the job. These people that you're going to be working with need someone who will not judge them, who they can depend on to find ways to appropriately assist. How can someone who doesn't know themselves and only views one way of life as giving happiness provide that? The way you talk, if a girl like your friend came in, pregnant, scared, and not knowing what to do, you wouldn't be able to help them. This can be incredibly damaging to that person... and I know that I wouldn't be willing to even practice if I didn't have myself sorted out to the point where I could respect that lives of others do not have to fit this idea of "perfection" that you have in your mind.

 

To answer your initial post: I have been on my own since my MS, and moved 13 hours away for my PhD. Sometimes I am a little lonely, but I call a friend at home or we play games over IM, or I Skype my boyfriend. I spend most of my time at school (10-12 hours per day) and the rest of my day studying and reading papers. Some weekends, if I have time, I go shopping with some others from my program. Right now, we're prepping a welcome party for one of the guy's wives, so I get to shop for a party when I get back. Any time I am at school, I'm extremely happy. You just have to put on your big girl pants and go for it, be it single and happy, or married and happy. There's no other way to be.... because there are good things in nearly all situations.

I understand why it would be beneficial to me to make the list of pros to being single (even though I need help with that because there is nothing good about single life in my opinion)but you have a boyfriend so why would you make that list? Maybe I misread?

I know there is a chance I could be a single graduate student or graduate and be single but I don't want to think about that because it's one of the worst things that could happen to me. I REALLY will not know the direction my life is going in at that point.

[biotechie]

I understand why it would be beneficial to me to make the list of pros to being single (even though I need help with that because there is nothing good about single life in my opinion)but you have a boyfriend so why would you make that list? Maybe I misread?

I know there is a chance I could be a single graduate student or graduate and be single but I don't want to think about that because it's one of the worst things that could happen to me. I REALLY will not know the direction my life is going in at that point.

 

I do have a boyfriend... who, in the past year, I've seen a total of 10-20 times. We text, sometimes Skype, but I don't get to contact him that often. Essentially, I'm living as a single girl, but without the benefit of being able to go out with guys. What I was trying to get across to you is that at one point, I was a a tiny bit desperate... as soon as I came to terms with being single and started enjoying it (at age 21), I was the happiest I've ever been. I found all of the pros.

 

When I was 22, I started dating my current boyfriend. I'm still happy, but I know that I can be happy in or out of a serious relationship. THAT is the point that I wanted you to get. Being single isn't the end of the world.... in fact, it is awesome. I've been there. I stopped looking for guys. I was having the time of my life, and I still go have all kinds of fun when I'm not in the classroom or lab.

 

Being single is NOT the worst thing that could happen to you... if indeed that is, you've somehow found a cure for every type of cancer (curing mutations in every gene we have, over 22,000), ended every disease epidemic, found ways to prevent overcrowding, food shortages, poverty, and found a way to provide medical care to all. Being single pales in comparison... you are but one in the world, and you have things much better than so many others.

[St Andrews Lynx]

Starting over from scratch in a new place country was the best thing I ever did. I was 20 when I moved from the UK to Philadelphia: I knew no one there, I'd never lived in a different country, much less in a different country on my own. 

 

The amount of change I underwent was pretty impressive. I wasn't tied to anything or anyone's expectations: I took up completely new hobbies, befriended completely different types of people. Altogether it was awesome.

 

How do you make new friends? Well...you take risks. This might mean turning up to a Meetup event where you know no one, or going to a party by yourself. You have a conversation topic already primed: "I just moved to the area from __ to study/work.", people will be interested and ask you more. I went to a Meetup hiking event barely 5 days after I arrived in the USA - I'm still friends with folk I met on that hike, almost 4 years later. 

 

At the same time you need to recognise that friendships don't form overnight. Don't expect to have new best friends by the end of the first week - it will probably take the best part of 6 months to find a good group of friends. If you are a new face, people will sometimes be reluctant or slow to accept you into their social circle - show that you're genuinely interested in them as an individual, that you enjoy their company and take initiative ("want to grab coffee?"). Sometimes you will go to a party or event and not really hit off with anyone. Or you go to a social gathering but realise that you don't really feel like socialising that night. That's normal - whether you try again with that group of people (or not) is entirely up to you. 

 

Lastly, what you do within the first couple of weeks in a new place will quickly become habit for the rest of your time there, so choose your activities wisely. Don't spend your first 3 weeks hiding in the apartment, because that's you setting yourself into an anti-social habit. Force yourself to go to the gym, explore new neighbourhoods, go out to cool social events. 

[LittleDarlings]

I do have a boyfriend... who, in the past year, I've seen a total of 10-20 times. We text, sometimes Skype, but I don't get to contact him that often. Essentially, I'm living as a single girl, but without the benefit of being able to go out with guys. What I was trying to get across to you is that at one point, I was a a tiny bit desperate... as soon as I came to terms with being single and started enjoying it (at age 21), I was the happiest I've ever been. I found all of the pros.

 

When I was 22, I started dating my current boyfriend. I'm still happy, but I know that I can be happy in or out of a serious relationship. THAT is the point that I wanted you to get. Being single isn't the end of the world.... in fact, it is awesome. I've been there. I stopped looking for guys. I was having the time of my life, and I still go have all kinds of fun when I'm not in the classroom or lab.

 

Being single is NOT the worst thing that could happen to you... if indeed that is, you've somehow found a cure for every type of cancer (curing mutations in every gene we have, over 22,000), ended every disease epidemic, found ways to prevent overcrowding, food shortages, poverty, and found a way to provide medical care to all. Being single pales in comparison... you are but one in the world, and you have things much better than so many others.

I guess I don't have it completely bad lol I just don't know how I would get to that point of being happy without someone. I had a little taste of a relationship and even though it was short lived it was the happiest I have been. Even when we fought or he treated me badly I was still so happy to just be with him and be his girlfriend. Even when things ended Or I knew they were ending I couldn't bring myself to end it because I wanted it to work so much.

Maybe making more friends would help because I would have more people to spend time with and be happy with and do happy things with. I just don't have that now. My days are so boring lol

[123hardasABC]

Damn. As someone who's moving across the country alone next fall...I was really hoping to gain something from this thread. 

[loquacious carton]

In the interest of helping you with multiple problems, I am streamlining your questions from several threads into one answer on this thread:  how to meet people, how to find a man, how to become more independent, and whether or not grad school is right for you.

 

It is not a bad thing to want to get married and start a family. The more you plan ahead, the more likely it is going to work out well for you.  Right now you are suffering from scarcity mentality, because you think it is never going to happen.

 

The best cure for this is to go on as many dates as you can, and meet new people as often as possible.

 

In my opinion, grad school is a good option for you -- *IF* you do it correctly.  By this, I mean that you will need to take it seriously and apply yourself.  It will make you more employable to have an MSW degree, and anybody who wants to be a parent needs to be prepared for the possibility that they may need to work in order to support their children.   Spouses can lose their jobs, become ill or injured, die, or may leave the marriage, and you do not want your children to suffer in the meanwhile.  So even if you do not plan to work, you should be able to work in case you have to pay some or all of the bills.

 

Another benefit of having a job, even if just for a while, is that it will make you more independent and more

understanding, and these are good traits for dating.  It also gives you pocket money for a social life.

 

So, Rx for your problems:

 

1.  Start working on yourself ASAP to make yourself look as reasonably attractive as possible to men.  Every man is different, but many men prefer women who are a healthy weight, fit and toned, have a flattering, feminine hairstyle, clean teeth and skin, tasteful makeup, and a flattering, feminine style of dress.  Dressing for men is not the same thing as dressing for women -- there are books and blogs that teach how to do this in a sexy yet classy way.  You do not need to spend a lot of money -- what you want are low-maintenance, cute outfits and a beauty regimen that you can do *quickly* each morning so when you meet new people each day on campus, you look pulled together and feel good about yourself.  If you do not know how to do any of these things, there are people that can teach you how (like hair and makeup at a salon, for example).

 

2.  Practice being relaxed, positive, and fun to be around.  Men will run if you complain or cry about your problems, especially marriage and children.  They will think you are crazy.  So don't do it.  In the early stages of dating, men care about:

 

-- If he is attracted to you
-- Do you make him feel good emotionally
-- Does he enjoy spending time with you

 

So make these your priorities too and you will be a better dater.

 

3.  Practice independent living skills ***immediately***, before you go to school.  If you don't know how to do laundry, learn.   Same for how  to cook a meal, how to shop for groceries, how to make a budget, how to clean a bathroom, etc.  Start now.   Get your mother or someone else to  show you how to do these things, one at a time.  If you want to be a stay at home mother you will need to learn how to run a household and take care of the family.

 

4.  Get some professional pictures made for new dating profiles.  There are photographers who specialize in casual portraits for social media and internet dating profiles.  This typically will be a 30 minute to an hour session in a local public place such as a park.  You'll get 8 to 12 photos, probably for around $150 - $200.  Google can help you find one who is legit and has a money-back guarantee.

 

5.  Close down your current dating profiles and start over -- with your new photos, and your new location, a few weeks before school starts.  After 6 months, any dating profile you have on the internet is old news, and you should close it down, get new pictures made, and write a new profile.  Follow the advice in step #2 -- write something that is relaxed, positive, and fun to be around.  Put in your preferences that you would like to have a family and then drop the subject for a while.

 

6.  Pick 2 dating websites that are targeted for serious lookers, and not for 'hookups'.  You will still get flakes,

married people, liars, and people that have some loose screws, but you will cut down on the number of time wasters if you choose quality sites, have a quality profile, and set up dates within 2 weeks of contact -- if he hasn't asked you out, say, "I think we should meet. Do you have plans for (day)?"  If a man won't meet up within 2 weeks of initial contact, then cut contact and move on.  Same thing if he breaks a date -- give him one chance to reschedule, and then move on.  You do not have time to waste on people who are not serious about meeting up in person.

 

You will need to put most of your time and energy into meeting people offline -- that's why you should only have 2 online dating profiles at a time.  Anything more is a time-sink and a money-sink.  You will need to be very efficient with your time and your money in grad school.

 

7.  By this time you should be scheduling 1 to 2 dates a week as school is underway.  First dates from dating websites need to be short and close to your campus -- about an hour in duration, 90 minutes if it is going well.  Drinks or an appetizer at some atmospheric place nearby.  Treat each date as an opportunity to get to know a new man better, not Prince Charming who has come to save you.  Most of these people you will not see past the first date.  That's fine.  Accept this and don't be surprised by it.  It takes a while to find someone right.

 

8.  You must make school your top priority, but in between time, join in social activities on campus as much as you can.   Go to the campus gym -- a great place to work out, stay in shape, and meet men and women.  Join any grad student organizations that are available.  Find places where older students tend to hang out -- you want to meet men in their mid 20s to early 30s that are single and ready to settle down.  Let your roommates and female friends know you are looking -- women have male family members and friends who may be right for you.  Interests and hobbies can also provide friends and dates.

 

How do you make new female friends and roommates?  You'll meet people in your classes.  Ask to be introduced to new people.  You can find roommates from ads -- online and from campus message boards.  Campus housing may have some resources to help, too.  It helps if you get started several months before school starts. 

 

9.  If you are religious, then religious organizations may be a good place to find people who are looking for marriage and children, such as a church or temple, particularly one that has a younger membership of 20 and 30 somethings.  Civic organizations and related campus groups may also attract mature men with family-oriented wishes.

 

10.  Avoid wasting time and money on bars, clubs, and other venues unless you just want a fun night out with the girls.  Yes, some people do meet the man of their dreams in a bar or club, but most people are there to drink, blow off steam, and possibly hook up.  It's not the environment to husband-hunt.  Be efficient with your time and money.  Also avoid wasting time online with Facebook and other time-sinks.

 

11.  Work on getting another intership or 2 while you are in school, so you can keep your debt down, get work experience, and gain confidence in yourself.  It will also make you more attractive to potential mates if you can take care of yourself.

 

If you treat this process seriously, then you will take your frustration and negative feelings and turn them into something positive.  You want to find the best quality man you can who will make a good husband and father, so take a while to get to know a man before you get serious with him.  You will also have a successful grad school experience, a job, and friends, if you put in the effort and treat all of these with respect.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 26, 2013 by loquacious carton

[DerpTastic]

For people generally interested in the original question, I think when moving to a new place (especially when starting at a new school), there are ALWAYS people just like you. There are lots of new people that are new to the area that don't know anyone. Take advantage of it and don't close yourself off, talk to people. A lot of people are looking for friends at the beginning of the semester.

 

 

@ Pinkster

Don't buy the cheapest laundry detergent, don't buy the most expensive. Buy a variety of food from different food groups. Make new friends, but don't abandon old friends because you're moving or are jealous of them. You don't need single friends, people in a relationship do party and study as well. Don't date because you're desperate for a relationship/kids, it's not healthy and not really fair to whoever you end up dating. 

[spectastic]

Well derp, I buy the cheapest laundry detergent. Do you have a problem wit dat?

 

 

Anyway, I don't see how any of these are big issues. There's a saying commonly used amongst cyclists, and I mean this in the nicest way possible. HTFU

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

I guess I can try to answer the original intention of the thread...

 

I'm living in a foreign country for the second time right now. The first time, I went through serious homesickness. I was away from family, friends and my girlfriend, living in a studio by myself, in a tiny town and my language skills were good, but I wasn't confident. So this time, I made sure that I was living with other people (natives to the country), that I was actively engaged in social life (especially with my housemates) and that I kept my mind busy. Half a year to go still, but so far so good. 

 

In some ways it's easier in the U.S. (or an English speaking country in general), because there are fewer barriers. At the same time, that probably also means you are not forced to make new relationships in the same way. So you might need to take an extra step to put yourself in those types of situations. If you're a naturally social person who would benefit academically from living on your own, by all means! But if you have a natural tendency to retreat to your apartment and lock yourself up after class, maybe living with other people is not a bad idea. There are also financial considerations. I know that if I end up at one of my schools, my gf and I will probably have to find a room in a house with other people. In other areas, we could find a small one bedroom and be fine. 

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

Pinkster: Your laundry issue (as an example of your concerns) is not at all unique. A lot of people don't learn laundry until they go away to college. But then I have to ask: does your mother do it? Maybe this is the perfect time to open up to her (or your father?) about your worries, and ask for help adjusting now into taking on responsibilities like laundry, cooking and cleaning that will help you to handle all this stuff while beginning graduate school. It's also a good chance to develop a stronger relationship with your parents.

[Loric]

I packed up and moved clear across the country for my first grad school tango. I got a lovely 2 story loft apartment with a killer view and a gas fireplace for no apparent reason (it never got below 40). I paid more in rent than everyone else in my cohort.

 

Due to sheer willpower, I hosted a few dinner parties and game nights. In general, most people dont have the time for the typical college stuff at the grad level.

 

I hated the locals. I hated the location. I disliked going out into the town/city and dealing with the people. Driving anywhere was a nightmare. With time, the color of the flowers began to annoy me. This is how you know you've made a mistake in your choice of location and program. Flowers.

 

So my apartment was really my respite from everything I wanted nothing to do with. I had a blue microwave that played a song when it was done instead of beeping. I had an orange couch and a turquoise leather chaise lounge. I had a ridiculous dining table that seated 8 for no apparent reason that I'd randomly decorate as if I was Martha Stewart reincarnated. I had a drafting table I never used setup with impressive sketches and selected literature for if anyone did happen to come over. I had wall art - big gigantic wouldn't fit in my car and had to be strapped to the roof and driven home slowly wall art.

 

And there in my little womb I occasionally saw guests and plotted my revenge. My glorious glorious revenge on that awful state and it's awful people.. and their flowers. I sat on my bedroom balcony, peering out through the floor to ceiling window that was my rear apartment wall, and contemplated the many ways to exterminate those flowers.

 

Ah, those were the days.

[i.am.me]

Well, this is not the first time I've lived far from home. 

 

I live alone with no roommates. It is quite nice cause I work on coursework and papers at all hours, and I also watch movies at all hours ::shrugs::

 

Starting over is hard cause I don't know where to hang out, how to get there, and friends are made cause we're all in grad school - not because of family connections or similar friends (who normally have similar interests). 

 

I think it's getting around that I don't go anywhere, so the groups of friends that I came in with in the program have stopped inviting me to their outside of school activities. At first, that hurt my feelings but then again...that was my fault because I kept refusing to go LOL mainly because I don't drink and grad students for one reason or another love to peer pressure others. Also, I have to walk home alone late at night...since no one is offering to walk or take me home after inviting me out, I don't go cause I need to take care of myself.

 

Also, I been hit on the past couple of times I've been out and that bothers me since I'm not looking...so I don't go out. 

 

Next semester, I will start taking some outside of school courses to meet others...they are not that exciting LOL lol sewing, cooking, maybe...knitting LOL

 

You know, Pinkster, starting over in a new place may be just the thing some people need for greater clarity towards viewing priorities. 

 

EDIT: Oh, I wanted to mention that my experience might differ from yours cause I'm the type of person that doesn't mind eating alone and regularly catches movies by myself - happily. 

Edited December 26, 2013 by iampheng

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

I packed up and moved clear across the country for my first grad school tango. I got a lovely 2 story loft apartment with a killer view and a gas fireplace for no apparent reason (it never got below 40). I paid more in rent than everyone else in my cohort.

 

Due to sheer willpower, I hosted a few dinner parties and game nights. In general, most people dont have the time for the typical college stuff at the grad level.

 

I hated the locals. I hated the location. I disliked going out into the town/city and dealing with the people. Driving anywhere was a nightmare. With time, the color of the flowers began to annoy me. This is how you know you've made a mistake in your choice of location and program. Flowers.

 

So my apartment was really my respite from everything I wanted nothing to do with. I had a blue microwave that played a song when it was done instead of beeping. I had an orange couch and a turquoise leather chaise lounge. I had a ridiculous dining table that seated 8 for no apparent reason that I'd randomly decorate as if I was Martha Stewart reincarnated. I had a drafting table I never used setup with impressive sketches and selected literature for if anyone did happen to come over. I had wall art - big gigantic wouldn't fit in my car and had to be strapped to the roof and driven home slowly wall art.

 

And there in my little womb I occasionally saw guests and plotted my revenge. My glorious glorious revenge on that awful state and it's awful people.. and their flowers. I sat on my bedroom balcony, peering out through the floor to ceiling window that was my rear apartment wall, and contemplated the many ways to exterminate those flowers.

 

Ah, those were the days.

 

This is great. If I weren't out of my quota, I'd up vote this. 

 

p.s. Because I checked out that baby thread... Holy crap, I can't believe that I wasted any energy responding to Pinkster (in private messages, too!). What a jackass (and a troll, whether intentionally or not).

[St Andrews Lynx]

Diet-wise there are plenty of cookbooks on the market with names like "Simple Recipes for Students". Any halfway decent bookstore should sell them. They contain a lot of recipes that (i) only require cheap, simple ingredients (ii) take less than 40 min to prepare and don't require fancy culinary techniques (iii) are healthy and help you get a balanced diet. 

 

Laundry? Cleaning tips? Etc? If Google can't help...then I don't know what can...

[LittleDarlings]

This is great. If I weren't out of my quota, I'd up vote this. 

 

p.s. Because I checked out that baby thread... Holy crap, I can't believe that I wasted any energy responding to Pinkster (in private messages, too!). What a jackass (and a troll, whether intentionally or not).

Lol ok well thanks bye now!

[LittleDarlings]

Diet-wise there are plenty of cookbooks on the market with names like "Simple Recipes for Students". Any halfway decent bookstore should sell them. They contain a lot of recipes that (i) only require cheap, simple ingredients (ii) take less than 40 min to prepare and don't require fancy culinary techniques (iii) are healthy and help you get a balanced diet. 

 

Laundry? Cleaning tips? Etc? If Google can't help...then I don't know what can...

I was pretty decent when I lived on my own. Accept with meals, I are put a lot or ordered in a lot and ate a ton of lean cuisines. I really hope I go to school far because I need the opportunity.

[klondike]

I packed up and moved clear across the country for my first grad school tango. I got a lovely 2 story loft apartment with a killer view and a gas fireplace for no apparent reason (it never got below 40). I paid more in rent than everyone else in my cohort.

 

Due to sheer willpower, I hosted a few dinner parties and game nights. In general, most people dont have the time for the typical college stuff at the grad level.

 

I hated the locals. I hated the location. I disliked going out into the town/city and dealing with the people. Driving anywhere was a nightmare. With time, the color of the flowers began to annoy me. This is how you know you've made a mistake in your choice of location and program. Flowers.

 

So my apartment was really my respite from everything I wanted nothing to do with. I had a blue microwave that played a song when it was done instead of beeping. I had an orange couch and a turquoise leather chaise lounge. I had a ridiculous dining table that seated 8 for no apparent reason that I'd randomly decorate as if I was Martha Stewart reincarnated. I had a drafting table I never used setup with impressive sketches and selected literature for if anyone did happen to come over. I had wall art - big gigantic wouldn't fit in my car and had to be strapped to the roof and driven home slowly wall art.

 

And there in my little womb I occasionally saw guests and plotted my revenge. My glorious glorious revenge on that awful state and it's awful people.. and their flowers. I sat on my bedroom balcony, peering out through the floor to ceiling window that was my rear apartment wall, and contemplated the many ways to exterminate those flowers.

 

Ah, those were the days.

All I got from this was: "I. Am. Rich."

[Loric]

Oh, not at all. It's just about priorities. I only paid like $200 more per month for my loft over the shabby studios and "barely a 1 bedroom" my cohort was dwelling in.

 

I spent a good chunk of time looking for a place and went after it. They didnt want to igive it to me because i didnt make enough as a grad assistant to meet the income requirements, but I did the whole giant puppy eye thing.

[DerpTastic]

Well derp, I buy the cheapest laundry detergent. Do you have a problem wit dat?

 

 

Anyway, I don't see how any of these are big issues. There's a saying commonly used amongst cyclists, and I mean this in the nicest way possible. HTFU

 

No you can buy the cheapest, I think I do sometimes. xP

 

My advice is usually if you aren't used to buying something, you don't buy the cheapest or the most expensive, and you'll be just fine. 

[rising_star]

I'll start by saying that I moved away for college to a school where I didn't know anyone else that was going there. Moved 1300 miles from there to do my MA. Moved across the country for my PhD. Each time, I didn't know anyone where I was going. Each time, I made friends. Some of those friendships have lasted longer than others (those from my MA were the least developed and have suffered now that we're no longer in the same place but they still exist). That said, I find that my diverse interests both academically and non-academically make it fairly easy for me to strike up conversations with random people about a wide range of topics. If you don't have that ability, it's something you should cultivate. There's a whole podcast dedicated to giving people small talk topics, which could be a good place to start.

 

being new in town is pretty much the best excuse for doing things alone/meeting people. i know in my hometown i felt weird about doing stuff alone or trying to make new friends because it was kind of like "well, i've lived here for this long and i still feel really lonely. what's wrong with me? does everyone know there's something wrong with me??" when you're new to somewhere, you don't really have that weighing you down.

 

some of my personal experiences:

- Attend graduate student orientation. SERIOUSLY. almost everyone will be in the same boat as you - new in town, don't really know anyone, looking to make some connections. you'll probably have one day - one week of this kind of situation, so take advantage of it.  i have a really tight knit, small group of friends that i met at grad student orientation. they're awesome.

- On a similar note, seek out the people in your program that interest you. chances are your dept will have some sort of orientation that will be awkward as hell, but a good way to see who else is in your program! not just your cohort, too. the people i'm closest with in my department are not in my year.

- I've met a lot of people online, honestly. i'm very lucky to have moved to a city/area where the ~subcultures~ i'm into are really big. it's daunting as hell to find these people, but i've met a number of friends through tumblr and okcupid here. yes, online dating sites have other uses! obviously be safe, etc, but for meeting other vegan/queer/anti-oppressive people, the internet rules. 

- Put yourself out there. take the initiative to actually contact the people that you meet and want to spend time with. it's kind of awkward to do, but... whatever. most other people want human interaction!!

This list from bedmas is truly awesome. Lots of good ideas here. When I think back to departmental orientation at my PhD program, I realize that I actually didn't end up being or staying friends with the people I met and had lunch with that first time. I did, however, make several lasting friendships in my cohort of people I still keep in touch with regularly even though we're flung all over the place these days (and have been for the past 3 years now). We were different ages (I was the youngest) but we had plenty of non-school things in common, like sports, music, microbrews, and various other things. Also, my friends ended up being the other people that were new to town so we did a lot of the "Oh, let's go to this place people are always talking about" together type of thing, which was fun and helped us bond. Sometimes I did that stuff alone too, and met some interesting people that way. Not all of them were dating material or lifelong friend material but it's nice to have an array of people you can call up to hang out when the mood strikes you.

 

You just have to not be afraid to put yourself out there. Introduce yourself to people at orientation (grad school wide, departmental, etc.). Start with those you end up sitting near and go from there. Talk to the grad students staffing the info booths at the orientation and ask them about places to go, things to do, etc.

 

Lastly, what you do within the first couple of weeks in a new place will quickly become habit for the rest of your time there, so choose your activities wisely. Don't spend your first 3 weeks hiding in the apartment, because that's you setting yourself into an anti-social habit. Force yourself to go to the gym, explore new neighbourhoods, go out to cool social events. 

Again, this is really excellent advice. You really do have to get yourself out there early on or it will be too easy to just stay in, do schoolwork, and watch movies on Netflix. Instead, pick up the local free newspaper, look at the activities (concerts, plays, meetings, events, etc.), and pick at least one--ideally two--to do each week. You may not know anyone but, you will meet people once you're there. Maybe you try an introduction to tango class one week, go see a live show the next week, and attend an improv comedy show another night. Or you go to a bar and play trivia/pub quiz (Geeks Who Drink is popular and could be a good way to meet people, for example).

 

Pinkster: Your laundry issue (as an example of your concerns) is not at all unique. A lot of people don't learn laundry until they go away to college. But then I have to ask: does your mother do it? Maybe this is the perfect time to open up to her (or your father?) about your worries, and ask for help adjusting now into taking on responsibilities like laundry, cooking and cleaning that will help you to handle all this stuff while beginning graduate school. It's also a good chance to develop a stronger relationship with your parents.

Oh man, this is much fantastic advice. My mom literally showed me how to do laundry the night before I left for college. She did not, however, spend much time with me in the kitchen. Even so, I've figured it out. For laundry, what detergent you buy depends on your budget, available coupons, and any allergies you may have. I can't use the super-cheap laundry soap because it irritates my skin, which is just something to keep in mind for some people. Trial and error, but just start by buying whatever your parents have been using. For cooking, watch your parents and friends in the kitchen for a while. Look for recipes labeled "easy" on sites like Food Network and All Recipes and try a few out while you're still at home if you can. If you have the money, invest in a slow cooker, a Mark Bittman cookbook (How to Cook Everything or How to Cook Everything Vegetarian), and a good selection of spices once you move. For spices, go to a place where you can buy them in bulk so you can try out lots of things in small quantities then buy more once you figure out what you really like and use a lot.

 

Hopefully this helps anyone that comes along, is moving to a new place, and is looking for a way to make friends.