Love, Academia and Success

[Adelaide9216]

On 1/22/2020 at 8:04 PM, AnachronisticPoet said:

Women in my family have made comments about me not getting married until after grad school but more because I think they see my life "starting" when I finish school and not that being in a PhD would be part of my life. I'm less concerned with the 'intimidating' thing and more that being in a PhD program makes it difficult to be in a relationship especially with the tumultuous nature of the field and not knowing where I'll be next geographically, as well as being in a (potentially) new city and not really meeting people outside the program.

I was talking with a professor in my program about applying PhD's in general and relationships came up. When I told her (at the time) that I was single, she responded, "Good. That makes choosing and transitioning to a program easier." Her husband is in academia, too, and she said they struggle a lot with debt and finances because they're both in this field. 

I'm now in a relationship and waiting to hear back from PhD's. My boyfriend is applying to Law schools in the area whereas I've applied all over the country. Even though we have a great, open, and communicative relationship, and he's super supportive of my career, we've kind of just been putting off discussing what the future looks like for our relationship because things are so uncertain right now. It's become "let's just wait and see" about applications, and that's been kind of tough.

I agree with you. I'm not saying being in a relationship is easy. I'm not expecting things to be perfect neither. But I just wish what it felt like to be in a positive and happy relationship with a man.

But I do agree that it makes things easier to be single in terms of planning and moving, etc. I am planning on being a Visiting Research Scholar in 2021, and it would have been harder to plan that if I was in a relationship. I also think that being single allows me to devote my entire time to my studies, which would be a little bit more difficult if I was in a relationship, especially if I was in a relationship with someone that does not understand what PhD studies entail.

FYI, I began seeing a therapist over this. I have not been in a good place mentally at the end of 2019. And she believes that there is nothing wrong in what I am doing, my approach, who I am. A few people tried to "blame" me for being single, that I attract my situation by not being positive (law of attraction), and other types of BS. And it makes me angry every time when I get told that I must do something for me to experience this. I am glad that she sees I haven't been lucky, that's it. Because I have self-respect, and don't settle for less (which is a good thing in her opinion), it's just harder to find a good man out there. She also does not believe my expectations are too high or unrealistic. I just want a man that will respect me, and most of the men I have dated did not have some sort of respect for me, which led me to stop seeing them entirely.

I kinda feel better, but I'm taking the days one at a time. 

Edited January 24, 2020 by Adelaide9216

[AnachronisticPoet]

9 minutes ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I agree with you. I'm not saying being in a relationship is easy. I'm not expecting things to be perfect neither. But I just wish what it felt like to be in a positive and happy relationship with a man.

But I do agree that it makes things easier to be single in terms of planning and moving, etc. I am planning on being a Visiting Research Scholar in 2021, and it would have been harder to plan that if I was in a relationship. I also think that being single allows me to devote my entire time to my studies, which would be a little bit more difficult if I was in a relationship, especially if I was in a relationship with someone that does not understand what PhD studies entail.

FYI, I began seeing a therapist over this. I have not been in a good place mentally at the end of 2019. And she believes that there is nothing wrong in what I am doing, my approach, who I am. A few people tried to "blame" me for being single, that I attract my situation by not being positive (law of attraction), and other types of BS. And it makes me angry every time when I get told that I must do something for me to experience this. I am glad that she sees I haven't been lucky, that's it. Because I have self-respect, and don't settle for less (which is a good thing in her opinion), it's just harder to find a good man out there. She also does not believe my expectations are too high or unrealistic. I just want a man that will respect me, and most of the men I have dated did not have some sort of respect for me, which led me to stop seeing them entirely.

I kinda feel better, but I'm taking the days one at a time. 

I’m glad to hear that! It’s very frustrating, but you deserve someone who respects and loves you for who you are and what you do. Anyone who doesn’t isn’t someone that would make you happy in the long run. Don’t worry about what other people think so much—everyone has an opinion about where people should be at any given point in their lives, but everyone lives their life differently. You do what’s best for you, and you’ll find someone who loves that.

I wasn’t trying to undermine your point by any means by sharing where I’m at, and I hope it didn’t come off that way! I was just contributing to the topic more generally

[feralgrad]

2 hours ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I just want a man that will respect me, and most of the men I have dated did not have some sort of respect for me, which led me to stop seeing them entirely.

Chiming in to say that just finding a straight man who /truly/ respects women can be such a challenge. As a transmasc person, I genuinely think it's easier for me to find a good guy now that dating straight dudes isn't an option. So many of them, even if they're generally good people, have these deeply-ingrained misogynistic ideas that they've never questioned. Plus, I imagine you're better at discerning that than the average bear.

[Adelaide9216]

I can't control the future, and I can't control others. I just have to accept that it may never come for me. It's hard, but I don't believe that "everyone finds their better half". Some people don't. And I may be one of them. And I have to accept that, even if it doesn't correspond the plan I had in my head for my family and love life. 

I don't even want to date anymore. All I get told is "you're the most extraordinary person I have ever met, but I don't want to be in a relationship with you". I can't stand being told this anymore, it just makes me angry and bitter. 

Edited February 2, 2020 by Adelaide9216

[LLorie1214]

Love comes in many forms, shapes and kinds. Romantic love is one kind that requires reciprocal sexual and emotional exchanges between two parties, but not all romantic love everlasts. The constant practice of giving and receiving all kinds of love improves our ability to communicate and share with all kinds of people, and one kind is romantic love. If our main purpose is to find romantic love, we are excluding the true meaning of "love". Love is not sought. Share, empathize and care for others, and you shall be rewarded with love. Love comes from the "heart". Those who yearn and impatiently scream for instant gratification is not love but are rather "demands". Patience, kindness and constant nurturing is how love develops. ?

[Adelaide9216]

I am seeing someone. Someone I knew for four years. He made a love declaration to me. He had been waiting for me for four years. I said yes.

Falling in love during the pandemic was totally unexpected and not within my plans. It's not official yet and I am scared. He's scared too. But according to our closest friends, we're experiencing a beautiful story that has a lot of depth, respect and love. Something very strong and rare. 

I am going back to my hometown next week to see him again. This time as a potential lover, and not as a friend. And I am scared. Almost as if it was my first date or the first time I see him (although I've known him for four years and have seen him multiple times in the past years).

I am both happy and scared. 

Edited May 28, 2020 by Adelaide9216

[Adelaide9216]

Back to being single again. Was too good to be true. Too bad!

[krankins]

I think you will meet more people like you intellectually in grad school than outside of it.  Keep being yourself (and approach men for dates if you meet someone interesting).  Don't wait to for them to decide if you fit and for them to ask you.

[angustifolia]

I am 38, had 02 relationships in my back, currently single. I waited for people, did it all to make it work. It did not, another failure for me.

I dont' want to do this anymore, it is too hard. But I would do almost everything again, it is impossible to explain without going into religion stuff (christian if you think matter matters, budhism if matter does not matter)

The reality: people are fucked up, just a mess to be around. And you have to do this in a huge set of ever changing and unwritten social norms 

Edited September 3, 2020 by angustifolia

[Adelaide9216]

On 7/19/2020 at 6:36 PM, krankins said:

I think you will meet more people like you intellectually in grad school than outside of it.  Keep being yourself (and approach men for dates if you meet someone interesting).  Don't wait to for them to decide if you fit and for them to ask you.

I am not waiting for men to ask me out. I do first steps too and am very comfortable doing so. There is always something that gets in the way, unfortunately.

I am still single and will probably remain so. To be honest, I have given up. I don't want to do this anymore

[LazarusRises]

On 9/6/2020 at 11:08 PM, Adelaide9216 said:

I am not waiting for men to ask me out. I do first steps too and am very comfortable doing so. There is always something that gets in the way, unfortunately.

I am still single and will probably remain so. To be honest, I have given up. I don't want to do this anymore

I'm sorry to hear you're frustrated, but honestly, giving the active pursuit of romance a rest might be a good idea. Not only is pandemic dating a terrible situation, but often these things happen when you least expect them--a truism I know, but it has validity. If you're focused on other things, then you won't be disappointed when romance fails to materialize (because you weren't expecting it to), and if you do meet someone it'll be a nice surprise. 

I know that on the other side of this, a guy who is clearly desperate for love or sex is a huge turn-off. The #1 piece of advice given to guys asking how they get a girlfriend is "Stop trying to get a girlfriend." I don't know how much this applies to women, since as far as I know most guys tend to like forwardness in ladies, but the same principle probably applies. Someone who's unconcerned with their sexual prospects & confident in themselves absent romantic validation is way more attractive than someone obviously craving companionship. 

Not intending to apply any of the above characterizations to you specifically, by the way. These are just general observations. 

[Adelaide9216]

I am not dating anyone right now. I started this thread multiple years ago.

I tend to disagree with you to a certain extent. Being confident, assertive, independant (and I am) AND wanting companionship are not two mutually exclusive things. Both can coexist within a person. If I was desperate, I would have dated anyone at just any cost. I do not and I never did. Which is why I have been single for so long. I have enough self-confidence to walk away if someone is being disrespectful towards me. And I had to do that on multiple occasions, unfortunately.

I know you said this are just general observations, but they don't apply to me.

I prefer largely being on my own than being with someone at any cost. I am frustrated because I can't find someone that I will be HAPPY with. Not "appear to be happy" for societal norms. A relationship is not even something I want to expose to others. I want someone that I will truly be happy with and that I will make happy. It's rare to find. A lot of people in relationships are actually not that happy. I want someone that will bring me joy, without being perfect. That's all I am saying.

I don't think it has to do with something that I do. I just think I haven't been lucky. 

 

Edited September 9, 2020 by Adelaide9216

[angustifolia]

Nobody is happy in upper case. People are a mess, have problems, and so on. You want the impossible

[Adelaide9216]

On 9/30/2020 at 4:46 AM, angustifolia said:

Nobody is happy in upper case. People are a mess, have problems, and so on. You want the impossible

I never said I wanted an happy person. I said I wanted someone who will make me happy. There's a difference here. If you have low standards, that's your problem to be honest.

[Boolakanaka]

On 9/30/2020 at 2:46 AM, angustifolia said:

Nobody is happy in upper case. People are a mess, have problems, and so on. You want the impossible

Don’t feed trolls. They have a unique combination of being generally attention needy and ubiquitously putative.

 

[angustifolia]

11 hours ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I never said I wanted an happy person. I said I wanted someone who will make me happy. There's a difference here. If you have low standards, that's your problem to be honest.

Problem here is the use of upper case. It is hard to have a relationship, it is hard to be happy, and so on. You have to deal with things that people hide from others, deal with sickness, and so on. It is not easy, it will bring you down. But you can survive to it and make through the other side

[Adelaide9216]

You don't understand. I never said I wanted an happy person. I said I wanted someone that will make me happy. That means, that person might have struggles and imperfections but can still make me happy simply because I accept them as they are.

[Tessjane77]

Hi everyone! 

I started a Literature MA at a small school where I've been very happy; I've even made close friends in my cohort!

However, they're pretty much the only other 20-somethings I know in this area. There are other grad programs here, some a lot bigger than mine (lots more people), but COVID has stopped any functions being organized between more than one program. 

My question, I guess, is how to meet people to potentially date nowadays? Between the smallness of my program and COVID restrictions, most of my single friends have resorted to dating apps, but I don't feel super enthusiastic about that route. Should I just wait around until restrictions lighten up or is there some other, not-crazy way to put myself out there?

 

[Suraj_S]

It isn't normal for Ph.D. students in my department to find their life partners among one another. However, my psych department's Master's students have co-mingled quite a bit--two such sets of friends are getting married.

I went into grad school being in a long-distance relationship. That ended three years in...then, dated a couple of people: nothing overly serious. Then, had a relationship that ended earlier this year while I finished defending my dissertation proposal.

Now--a little over a month away from defending my dissertation (hopefully, once and for all)--I feel keenly that I have one hope at life love left. The weak part of me wants to find her before I finish up; the strong part assures me, You have a task to fulfill. You've sacrificed your most important relationship to date. Wait a little longer.

Success, in my mind, is not what academia is all about. It's about studying a topic so well that you either know or contribute to knowing about a topic more in-depth than anyone else has (or, possibly could).

Doing a Ph.D. necessarily involves going off of the deep end of what is known. For me, that entails commitment and a sense of deeper purpose--following my calling; responding to my life's mission.

Nothing should get in the way of our true love. This gives me close to all of the motivation I need to finish the job, and worry about what is meant to happen later.

This is my experience of love, success, and academia. Thanks for creating this thread, @Adelaide9216--you've clearly got a lot of heart.

Edited December 26, 2020 by Suraj_S