orange turtle

Update for those following this:
I went for my morning meeting, and sat somewhere else. I purposely placed myself near the female professors. Got a raised eyebrow from one but I just shrugged it off.
After the meeting, one of the senior PIs I sat next to asked if everything was fine. She said I hadn't said a word during the meeting and had moved to sit with the "older and more senior people" instead of hanging out where the grad students tend to sit. She also mentioned that I had uncapped and capped my pen "over a hundred times" throughout the one hour meeting and hadn't taken any notes, which seemed to her like I was terribly anxious (she's a psychiatrist) and I was usually pretty chilled. She said she was annoyed at the pen uncapping and capping at first but when it continued she thought this was more than just "usual graduate student tics, idiosyncrasies, and anxiety."
I pretty much wanted to cry right there. Mostly because I have been dreading this meeting. I think she is probably very well-trained to know when someone's going to cry so she asked me to go to her office with her.
I told her pretty much everything. And she flipped. She started cursing. I've never seen this professor frazzled. But she then said she would talk to the other PIs/co-investigators if I was fine with that, and would move towards removing him from the team and said "We can always get another investigator from that area. There's several other guys I know."
In the meantime though, she said I didn't have to attend the meetings until he is gone. They won't penalise me.
I am so relieved! And I ate about a pound of chocolate so I'm now sick to the pit of my stomach and sugar high. But that's okay. :-)

@Neuromantic I commend on your bravery in disclosing to your PI and lab. Thank you for sharing. 
I have acute PTSD (or so the psychiatrist thinks; she doesn't seem sure yet) from sexual harassment and assault that happened in the first year of my prog (also in Neuroscience). I just posted of the nightmares I get from these on the Officially Grads section.
My PI isn't the most supportive person and so I avoid telling her anything. So far, I haven't been able to talk to my peers either.
Solidarity and best of luck with your program. 

By the way, for anyone interested and for those who still handwrite...
I use a LiveScribe pen for notes, meetings, lectures. It records voice/sound and allows me to organize my notes. It's actually pretty awesome for those days when my medication fogs me up terribly--it allows me to store my handwritten notes online and as I relisten to it, I can add notes I missed, and the Livescribe will be smart enough to link it to the recording.
Also, for a minimal one-off fee ($20), I can get a software to convert handwritten notes to computer text.
The big downside is you need special "smart" paper for this--the special paper costs like $35 for a set of four (4) 8.5 x 11 books. So if you get slides for class, it's a bit tricky. And it doesn't work if you're reading a book or something.
The LiveScribe pen is supported by my university's disability office. I get it on loan from them.

I started 1st year last year with a chronic illness myself--neurological, can get epic. It sucked major amazeballs. I was so stressed out from the move and the big city and trying to make sure I didn't fail. On retrospect, I learned several things I wish I knew earlier, including that I should have asked questions here on Grad Forum.
What I learned this last 8 months:
1) Your department chair can make or break your experience--find out which camp your chair belongs to. Mine was and is a lifesaver and had many great tips on navigating the system. When I finally confessed to him I was on the verge of collapsing from an ongoing chronic health problem, he looked at me and said "Well, what took you so long to ask for help? I'm paid the big bucks to help you through this! That's why I get the fancy office and wear the fancy tie!"
2) Ask for help, but be careful who you ask for help from. You will need people to support you, but not everyone will be your ally. Find out who your lifesavers are, treasure them, and always remember to say thank you. Learning to say sorry doesn't hurt either. Never apologize for your disability and/or health condition, but it's never too late to learn to say, say "I'm sorry I'm running late." Better to not run late, but being sick sometimes affects the space-time continuum. :-)
3) Know your limits, and know when to say, well, f*** you, I come first.
4) Do not overdo classes, no matter how tempting it is.
5) Talk to the disability office. They have some amazing services; maybe they have some suggestions on how to get diagnosed, or services they can recommend. Like I have a program that reads to me so when my neurological condition acts up, and I am quite ill, and can't read well. Like whaaat? The program reads to me. Yes, it gets pretty hilarious when it tries to read scientific words, but it still reads to me. 
6) Learn to laugh at yourself.
7) If you take medication (I do), don't forget. Always have some at home, on you, and in your office. I needed the emergency room because I, of course, forgot mine on exam day, and landed in the hospital. Got a nice lecture from my neurologist and paramedics. (if my drug levels drop, I'm in trouble)
8) Do something outside your program. Doesn't matter what it is. Run, swim, bake, see family, see friends, garden, party, volunteer, go to church/mosque/temple, watch movies, have sex, rock climb, travel, knit, play music, campaign for something, have a pet, paint, collect something, judge others, shop, repair cars, paintball, do yoga, whatever.
 
 

We had our meeting this morning and it was a series of tongue-tied awkwardness. I went in determined to do this as dignified as I could, chair fumbled all the way, and finally I just laughed and called a halt to the meeting. And said--how about we just agree I was never there and you didn't see anything?
He started to laugh after that. So tension was broken. And the funniest part was when he walked me out, there was a some leftovers from the lab meeting next door on the table. And on the table was hummus, dip and pita. He just looked at me and said very seriously "I didn't see anything.".
So as far as we are concerned, nothing happened. All is good! ?
 

We had our meeting this morning and it was a series of tongue-tied awkwardness. I went in determined to do this as dignified as I could, chair fumbled all the way, and finally I just laughed and called a halt to the meeting. And said--how about we just agree I was never there and you didn't see anything?
He started to laugh after that. So tension was broken. And the funniest part was when he walked me out, there was a some leftovers from the lab meeting next door on the table. And on the table was hummus, dip and pita. He just looked at me and said very seriously "I didn't see anything.".
So as far as we are concerned, nothing happened. All is good! ?
 

We had our meeting this morning and it was a series of tongue-tied awkwardness. I went in determined to do this as dignified as I could, chair fumbled all the way, and finally I just laughed and called a halt to the meeting. And said--how about we just agree I was never there and you didn't see anything?
He started to laugh after that. So tension was broken. And the funniest part was when he walked me out, there was a some leftovers from the lab meeting next door on the table. And on the table was hummus, dip and pita. He just looked at me and said very seriously "I didn't see anything.".
So as far as we are concerned, nothing happened. All is good! ?
 

We had our meeting this morning and it was a series of tongue-tied awkwardness. I went in determined to do this as dignified as I could, chair fumbled all the way, and finally I just laughed and called a halt to the meeting. And said--how about we just agree I was never there and you didn't see anything?
He started to laugh after that. So tension was broken. And the funniest part was when he walked me out, there was a some leftovers from the lab meeting next door on the table. And on the table was hummus, dip and pita. He just looked at me and said very seriously "I didn't see anything.".
So as far as we are concerned, nothing happened. All is good! ?
 

We had our meeting this morning and it was a series of tongue-tied awkwardness. I went in determined to do this as dignified as I could, chair fumbled all the way, and finally I just laughed and called a halt to the meeting. And said--how about we just agree I was never there and you didn't see anything?
He started to laugh after that. So tension was broken. And the funniest part was when he walked me out, there was a some leftovers from the lab meeting next door on the table. And on the table was hummus, dip and pita. He just looked at me and said very seriously "I didn't see anything.".
So as far as we are concerned, nothing happened. All is good! ?
 

We had our meeting this morning and it was a series of tongue-tied awkwardness. I went in determined to do this as dignified as I could, chair fumbled all the way, and finally I just laughed and called a halt to the meeting. And said--how about we just agree I was never there and you didn't see anything?
He started to laugh after that. So tension was broken. And the funniest part was when he walked me out, there was a some leftovers from the lab meeting next door on the table. And on the table was hummus, dip and pita. He just looked at me and said very seriously "I didn't see anything.".
So as far as we are concerned, nothing happened. All is good! ?
 

Glad to know that worse outcomes did not happen, and hope you recover soon...
I am sure someone here could advise on this better than me. I am just guessing the chair knows he is not the person to mention this first, and it is up to you to set the tone of the debriefing. In any case it is the right thing to thank him for lending the clothes and the shower, and for help with the medic trip, so maybe you can start with that, shortly after you both get seated, and with the kind of polite, preemptive smile that is planned but seemingly emerged spontaneously as a result of embarrassment, and see how that works. (Edited typos.)

I agree with everyone else.  There's a big difference between a wardrobe malfunction and "Through no fault of my own, I was injured."  It's definitely up to you to set the tone.  If I had to guess, he was in fight or flight mode, and probably didn't spend very much time looking at your naked-bits.  If it had been me with a male student, I'd've grabbed a towel and covered you for modesty until help arrived.  And then denied that I had even glanced at anything.
If you want to defuse the situation immediately (assuming the professor has a sense of humor), buy a non-slip shower mat, put a bow on it, and present it to him during your meeting.  Maybe bring some hummus to snack on.  In my experience, when something embarrassing happens, you can either ignore it, and let shame overwhelm you, or you can totally and 100% own it.  I find the latter is better for mental-health.

Sorry to hear what happened to you, but thankfully, you are fine. Well, accidents do happen, and that's life. I am pretty sure your grad chair was more concerned whether you were okay than the fact that you were naked when he and his daughter found you in the shower. Yes, it's embarrassing, but it was totally out of your control that you got food all over you and then slipped in the shower and hit yourself. 
I would suggest that you try your best to take things easy and attend the progress update meeting as if nothing has happened. He will probably ask about your injury, just like any other grad students who care about you. If you are not comfortable with going into the details, i.e. thank you for the clothes and shower, then a plain simple "I am fine, thank you" will do. Then focus on what you need to go through with him in the meeting. Remember, that meeting is about your progress, not the incident at his house!

You've done nothing wrong and there's no reason to feel any sense of embarrassment, although such feelings are understandable.
I recommend that you put two thank you cards in his box as soon as possible. One for the professor, the other for his daughter.
In the latter, thank her for loaning you the clothes and for taking care of you. If you've the means, I would drop in a gift card that she'll find useful.
In the former, thank him for the support he's provided over the years and most of all for saving your life and protecting your dignity.. If you're so inclined, you might write in an elegant fashion, that you consider the two events at his house to be accidents. (Think carefully here as any such language could impact you IRT liability. There were two slip and falls on the same property on the same day. Until you're absolutely certain that there are no long term ill effects from your injuries, you don't want to do anything that might limit what ever protection the laws provide.) 
Put the gift cards in his box and before you meet, take a quick peek to see if they've been collected. If they have, you can look him in the eye at the start of your progress meeting and say simply, "Thank you, again." And he'll look you in the eye and he'll say the right thing and life will go on.
 

Something very very embarrassing happened to me recently.
My grad chair had a social event for the grad students at his house. It was summer, the weather was nice, 2 students in the program had successfully defended, 1 faculty member got a huge award. Many students and faculty showed up. 
Anyway, sometime at the end of the social gathering, there was a bit of an unfortunate mishap when one of my classmates who was helping with the cleaning up slipped near the pool and basically covered me in hummus, spinach dip, chilli, olive oil and wine. 
The prof gave me a towel and let me use the guest bathroom to shower as even my hair was covered in food. His daughter lent me some clothes.
I don't quite remember what happened after that. Apparently I had somehow slipped in the shower (must be the olive oil!) and cut my head. I woke up in the hospital later with stitches. A classmate went to the hospital with me and she said that the prof had gotten very worried when I was in the shower for a very long time. He got his daughter to knock and when there was no answer after a while, he broke the lock. Prof and daughter found me lying out cold in the shower and he carried me out. I vaguely remember my prof calling me and a male paramedic but not much else.
I am very grateful I was rescued and that I didn't drown and my injury isn't too bad, but I am also horribly mortified that a male prof who is also my grad chair has seen me stark naked. 
The grad students in my program have a one-on-one meeting with the grad chair in August every year for a progress update and I have my meeting with him in the first week of August.
I am just too embarrassed to show up. I know it was necessary because I was injured but just thinking about it is making me cringe. We have not had any communication since the incident and although I want to thank him, I am so horrified.
Someone please please tell me something similar has happened to them and they survived and they have advice or suggestions of what to do. I guess he might be embarrassed as well.
*red red red face*
 
 

@juilletmercredi Thank you for validating my feelings. It is very exhausting: instead of wondering how to make my science better, I am wondering about which parts of my skin I should cover and which parts are "safe" to show.

Those would be fine to me. I complement people on their new haircuts or clothes all the time (and to a broad spectrum of people so it's pretty obvious there's nothing more to it), as well as comment on other things like nice photos they put on Facebook or non-academic writing that they've shown me. I do it because I like to try and help people feel good about themselves, and I'm sure that the hypothetical professor could have been doing just that. 
But the wink and the "on you" would have really thrown me. Even just reading that makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. 

I know a lot of Ph.D students with tatoos, piercings, blue hair, unconventional clothing..... 
I really do not think it is inapproriate in any ways. If you are teaching, you might want to check that it is ok to show it. For instance, I could go to class in shorts but was advised to teach with long trousers only.

I think tattoos are appropriate for graduate school. A lot of my friends and myself have tattoos that are shown daily! 
I think if it made you uncomfortable about your tattoo then you should cover it. But he might have made that comment because he didn’t expect you to have a tattoo, which was the case with my advisor. I have two tattoos on my shoulders as well (and I often forget they are there too). Maybe he added the on you because it fits your personality or something  
However, I probably would’ve been creeped out by the wink too. Winks are weird. If he was just like oh that’s a nice tattoo on you sans the wink, I would’ve been more okay. 

There's nothing wrong with tattoos in academia. They're super common, and they don't necessarily read as unprofessional or off-putting. I think you should feel free to expose them if you want, even while teaching.
Your professor's comment was inappropriate and pretty creepy...but it's not your fault, and there's nothing you should do in reaction to it. The problem is with him. Commenting on people's bodies is always dicey, but even then there are still so many ways he could've given you a compliment on your tattoo without making it creepy (e.g., as you mentioned, without the wink and the 'on you.')
I know it's difficult not to be self-conscious, but try not to let this incident make you self-conscious about your tattoo or your body, much less make you cover it up.
 

Agreed with being more careful when teaching, and I definitely do dress up more when doing teaching and presentations. Good reminder!
 
 
The "didn't expect you to have a tattoo" is the part that actually extra creeps me up. I recently happened to read this paper that suggested men tended to think a woman with a tattoo was more likely to sleep with them. Couple it with the wink and I'm feeling quite creeped. (Not saying all men are like this as I know many gentlemen).
Guess I will be going back to wearing my more professional clothes.
 
It can be so hard to be a woman in a male-dominated field. I am tired.
 

@Neuromantic I commend on your bravery in disclosing to your PI and lab. Thank you for sharing. 
I have acute PTSD (or so the psychiatrist thinks; she doesn't seem sure yet) from sexual harassment and assault that happened in the first year of my prog (also in Neuroscience). I just posted of the nightmares I get from these on the Officially Grads section.
My PI isn't the most supportive person and so I avoid telling her anything. So far, I haven't been able to talk to my peers either.
Solidarity and best of luck with your program. 

Hey SSHRCers,
I just wanted to send a note to say if you have been awarded the fellowship, congratulations!
If you were not successful this time around, try again. There is a huge amount of many unknown variables, and as sucky as it sounds, there is a huge amount of luck involved. Don't take it personally if you were rejected (been there).
You (We) are better and more valuable than the score on your (our) application. We are all out there doing work we believe in, putting our blood, sweat, and tears into our fields, and we go back over and over no matter how many times we fail because we believe we have something to contribute to society. That's something to be proud of.
I am so proud of all of you!

Hey SSHRCers,
I just wanted to send a note to say if you have been awarded the fellowship, congratulations!
If you were not successful this time around, try again. There is a huge amount of many unknown variables, and as sucky as it sounds, there is a huge amount of luck involved. Don't take it personally if you were rejected (been there).
You (We) are better and more valuable than the score on your (our) application. We are all out there doing work we believe in, putting our blood, sweat, and tears into our fields, and we go back over and over no matter how many times we fail because we believe we have something to contribute to society. That's something to be proud of.
I am so proud of all of you!

Hey SSHRCers,
I just wanted to send a note to say if you have been awarded the fellowship, congratulations!
If you were not successful this time around, try again. There is a huge amount of many unknown variables, and as sucky as it sounds, there is a huge amount of luck involved. Don't take it personally if you were rejected (been there).
You (We) are better and more valuable than the score on your (our) application. We are all out there doing work we believe in, putting our blood, sweat, and tears into our fields, and we go back over and over no matter how many times we fail because we believe we have something to contribute to society. That's something to be proud of.
I am so proud of all of you!