Finding a husband in graduate school.

[LittleDarlings]

Lol yay I have my own meme!!!

[dazedandbemused]

At moments like these I wish I studied rhetoric, because this thread is fascinating. I have learned so many many things. For example, I had no idea that a  23-year-old woman on the verge of attending grad school could somehow also think that feminism is bad. Meanwhile, your 1950s self probably wouldn't even have a degree. But, um, dream big, I guess. #privilege (Since we're apparently doing hashtags now).

[darmok]

@Kamisha: YES. Or maybe we should just start a "How to be awesome forever" thread.

 

@CorruptedInnocence: Wanna switch? I'm kinda tired of sticking out.

Edited January 27, 2014 by darmok

[BunnyWantsaPhD]

This is the craziest thread. I'm trying to convince myself not to respond, but after reading all of the posts (well, actually I slowed down around page 12, because, come on) it's hard not to. 

 

It's really hard to not come across as condescending on this thread, but the OP really needs a reality check. If you really think EVERY day about how to get a man/ the fact that you hate being alone, I think you're in for a rude awakening once you get married. YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT GOING TO COMPLETE YOU. YOU WILL STILL FEEL LONELY SOMETIMES. That's why those 1950s housewives started the feminist revolution! They were bored out of their minds and felt trapped! They didn't feel intellectually stimulated or appreciated. If that's your end goal (to be a housewife), which is fine, I highly encourage you to read some history books on feminism first--just so you can get some perspective, not to deter you from being a wife/mother. You just seem to idealize the 50s when they actually weren't so ideal. 

 

To reiterate what others have said--if you are not happy by yourself, then you need to make it your priority to figure out how to be happy by yourself. 

You're in your early 20s--go get a job, travel, have fun, date casually, learn about the world and yourself a little bit more before you settle down with someone else. It sounds like you don't even know much about yourself. I understand the end-goal of wanting a marriage/children, but that will (possibly) eventually be the rest of your life. So, until then, make sure you live your life to the fullest. You do realize that once you have kids you're life is full of taking care of them, right? I mean you have to live your life around a baby's schedule--that means it's harder to get a decent night's sleep, it's harder to travel, it's harder to freaking go to the mall when you want because you have to lug around a baby. Don't get me wrong, I want kids, but I'm fully aware of what that means--it doesn't seem like you are...

 

Also in my experience (I've finished my MA), everyone who was in a relationship as a grad student in my cohort would tell me that they were jealous that I was single. They had to make decisions about jobs, moving, etc, heck even about when to eat dinner, based on their partner. Whereas I got to do whatever I want whenever I want. Even if they hadn't said anything, I would not be jealous that they are married. Grad school took up so much of my time that at the end of the day I didn't want to have to work around someone else's schedule. I just wanted to relax and do whatever I wanted to do. It's worth considering the benefits of being single--that's all I'm trying to say here.

 

One girl that I knew sounded exactly like you do and you know what? SHE HATED GRAD SCHOOL. All she would talk about was how she wanted to drop out and find a husband. Whenever she went to a party she'd be mad that she didn't meet her future husband. She was crazy desperate and no man wanted to go near her. She did wind up finishing her master's and even got a fully-funded PhD offer. In between accepting the PhD offer, she met a guy online and chose to drop out of school and get married. I'm not saying that she made the wrong choice by dropping out, but I will say that I think she made the wrong choice by going to grad school at all in the first place. You can meet men anywhere! Grad school, jobs, the mall, parties--you don't need to get a degree if you don't TRULY want it. You said it yourself--you want to be a 1950s housewife. So, maybe you need to move to the South and get a job till you find a man. (Man is it hard not to be rude here, but I swear I'm being serious with my advice). 

 

Btw, I'm almost 28 and will (hopefully) be starting a PhD program next year. I love where I am in my life. I'm independent, single, well-travelled, casually dating, and about to start a PhD, which has been my dream all my life (which is something that you need to think about--a lot of people on this website have wanted to be in grad school for a long time, and for good reasons. So, when you talk about how it is basically a place to find a husband or how it is your second choice to being a stay at home mom, that's the equivalent of us saying that school didn't work out so I guess we'll get married. See how bad of an attitude that is to have going into a marriage?). I've actually said since I was 19 or so that I didn't even want to get married till I was 35 because I wanted to be my own person first. Now, I also thought I'd be done with my PhD by the time I was 28, so life doesn't work out how you plan it (though looks like I will be ready for a husband around 35 after my PhD just like I though). But, I wouldn't change a thing!

 

Based on your posts, (and I know people have already said this, but I spent time reading this thread damnit so I am going to write it anyway!) I think you would do yourself a great service by NOT thinking about finding a man. Instead, hang out with some friends, travel, and read some books (on feminism, please--I know that's snarky, but seriously, do it). If you have no intention of doing any of these things, no intention of truly trying to be happy on your own and learning about yourself, then I really don't think that grad school is going to be a great choice for you. If you really think that anyone who is nearing age 30 or older is not happy if they are not married/having kids, then it's pretty clear that you would prefer that over this career path. Like others have said, I really don't think you understand graduate school or what the good reasons are behind going to graduate school. Personally, I would want to date someone who IS in their 30s and with a graduate degree, not the opposite. 

 

Okay, I'm basically repeating what others have said. This thread made my head hurt. I feel like writing a book about it. 

[Loric]

Hmm... I'm tempted to like what you've stated but I know for certain that no one actually likes dating.. Dating is awful, sometimes ok or even fun (at that point dating ends, relationship begins) but it is generally awful.

Human conflict is a matter if what one wants versus what another is willing to give in incompatible amounts. Dating is a minefield kludge of creating these situations. Who wants sex? Who wants the door held? Who is getting the check?

Awful. No one likes it. It's the same as running. Those people who say they love it are liars.

[Loric]

And before you say "if dating sucks, why do it?"

Being alive generally sucks too, but it's better than the alternative.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Hmm... I'm tempted to like what you've stated but I know for certain that no one actually likes dating.. Dating is awful, sometimes ok or even fun (at that point dating ends, relationship begins) but it is generally awful.

Human conflict is a matter if what one wants versus what another is willing to give in incompatible amounts. Dating is a minefield kludge of creating these situations. Who wants sex? Who wants the door held? Who is getting the check?

Awful. No one likes it. It's the same as running. Those people who say they love it are liars.

 

I disagree. Dating is kinda fun. It's the relationship part that sucks. I cut them off when they start checking up on me. 

[trizzleYO]

"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."

[BunnyWantsaPhD]

I disagree. Dating is kinda fun. It's the relationship part that sucks. I cut them off when they start checking up on me. 

 

I agree with Gnome here. I guess whether or not dating sucks depends on what you're looking for. If you're looking for a serious relationship, then yeah, the beginning parts aren't so great. But, if you're looking to just hang out with someone--get dinner, drink some wine, etc etc, then it can be quite fun. That's not saying there aren't ups and downs, but generally yes I do like dating. Relationships, at this point in my life, give me the heebie jeebies. I don't want to have to plan my life around someone else. No gracias. 

[VioletAyame]

"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."

 

Cypher would beg to differ with that quote.

[CageFree]

This thread definitively proves that Stephen Hawking's latest paper is wrong. It is a black hole and no one seems able to escape its gravitational pull.

 

 

 

 

 

(And yes, I know he did not mean "there are no black holes.")

Edited January 28, 2014 by CageFree

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I agree with Gnome here. I guess whether or not dating sucks depends on what you're looking for. If you're looking for a serious relationship, then yeah, the beginning parts aren't so great. But, if you're looking to just hang out with someone--get dinner, drink some wine, etc etc, then it can be quite fun. That's not saying there aren't ups and downs, but generally yes I do like dating. Relationships, at this point in my life, give me the heebie jeebies. I don't want to have to plan my life around someone else. No gracias. 

 

I agree. But I should've been more specific when I said dating. We're on the same page. That's the kind of dating I like. But there is the other kind of dating. There are people who treat a date like a job interview. The dates where your every move is being judged and he/she is making a mental pro's and con's list from across the table. Those kinds of dates suck. 

Edited January 28, 2014 by Gnome Chomsky

[Loric]

Ok, if you're not looking for a relationship you're not dating - you're sleeping around and hanging out with random people. A hookup is not a date.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Ok, if you're not looking for a relationship you're not dating - you're sleeping around and hanging out with random people. A hookup is not a date.

 

You can go on a date without asking her to bring her resume and measuring her hips to determine if she's child bearing enough. 

 

I'm not talking one night stands. I'm talking loose/casual dating without all the expectations. Where it's okay to go a day without texting. Where you don't have to filter everything you say. Where breaking it off won't result in broken vases. 

[BunnyWantsaPhD]

Ok, if you're not looking for a relationship you're not dating - you're sleeping around and hanging out with random people. A hookup is not a date.

 

You're silly. You can totally have a casual relationship and call it dating without it being just a hookup or looking for something more serious. I've been hanging out with a guy for about a month now, but he knows that I'll probably be moving in a few months so we know it's not going to be more serious. That doesn't mean that we're not going to continue to hang out and it doesn't mean that I'm sleeping around with random people. There are shades of grey here... 

[Loric]

Not a good book to reference if you want to imply your purity and non-hobaggyness.

 

Hobaggyism? Hobaglity? Gah, words are difficult.

Edited January 28, 2014 by Loric

[darmok]

This thread kinda made a 180. 

 

@Loric - sleeping around without being in a relationship doesn't make you a 'hobag', and casual dating can be a stress-free way to avoid commitment while you're focusing on other aspects of your life (for example, grad school) 

[shortstack51]

I have to violate the laws of being an English MA and just say O...M...G. What is this thread?? I can't sleep and this has provided me endless entertainment.

I also can't believe how many people going into graduate school have really horrible ideas about women's lives and women's relationships. What. Just what. YOU ARE NOT A HO IF YOU DATE CASUALLY. It is much more harmful if you force yourself into a long term relationship when you aren't actually ready. Settling for the first person you date is a terrible idea if you're only doing it because casually dating freaks you out and you want to get married. Anyone who thinks differently is going to be rudely awakened on entering graduate school unless you go to a very conservative school. It's not like undergrad where you can judge people's sexual habits and snicker. Everyone else (who will probably also be older than you) will just think you're crazy/immature.

Why the desire to get married? What will it add to your life that you don't have?

I gathered from OP's posts that she's from a small town where everyone marries young. OP appears to not have really encountered people or places where this is not the norm. I'm in NYC and there are plenty of people single past 30. I had no idea people thought they need to get married young. I'll be married next year when I'm 25 and my friends judged me over it initially because they thought I was too young.

Anyway.

As M Scott Peck said (I think), relationships are not addition. It's not a half plus a half equals a whole. It's multiplication. 1*1 = 1. 1/2 * 1/2 = 1/4.

I'm sure this post was a waste of time but at least I'm amused.

[BunnyWantsaPhD]

Loric is known to troll on this website. So, he/she was trying to upset people by indirectly calling me a hobag (which is just a ridiculous comment that doesn't deserve a response). 

[Loric]

If I wanted to call you a hobag I would. Directly, in front if your family, pastor, employer, first love and God himself. I do indeed lack that level of qualm and restraint.

Don't aggrandize yourself thinking i've put that much effort into thinking up ways to backhanded insult you on the sly. If I wanted to insult, you'd know it.

Edited January 29, 2014 by Loric

[TheCakeIsALie]

Crap, I broke up with my bf of 4.5 years so that I could pursue my PhD. This post is stressing me out :|

[Loric]

Crap, I broke up with my bf of 4.5 years so that I could pursue my PhD. This post is stressing me out :|

 

Why were you with someone for 4.5 years if you're willing to drop them when a career/education opportunity comes along?

[TheCakeIsALie]

Why were you with someone for 4.5 years if you're willing to drop them when a career/education opportunity comes along?

 

He actually gave me the ultimatum of moving to him or breaking up. Who knows, we may end up in the same city next year. The long-distance for the past 2-years was very difficult.

[Loric]

I finally figured out what song this thread reminds me of.

 

[Munashi]

Cypher would beg to differ with that quote.

I wanted to upvote this, but I'd reached my quota already..