Dating in Graduate School

[NYTreader]

What's it like dating in graduate school? Is it even possible to meet anybody at that time or is one to busy? Do you have a story to share?

[GeoDUDE!]

A quick forum search:

 

 

Your welcome. 

[NYTreader]

Ok. Thanks...I guess?

[CiaranD]

This seems to form a basis for at least half the hilarious gifs and humorous Tumblrs on grad school. A lot of the PhD students in the latter years of my program and of many others I'm aware of are engaged or married before they finish. I'd say it's definitely possible, just a case of getting into stuff outside of your program I would imagine. 

[ron_swanson]

Don't do it.  You're a robot.  Don't have fun.  Publish or perish, concentrate only on your career, and when you're 35 with full tenure you can start dating.

[Elizabeth4now]

It's all about finding someone worth finding time for

[undecidedNewbie]

Based on the comments left on the other thread it appears as though dating in grad school is virtually non existent.

[TakeruK]

Based on the comments left on the other thread it appears as though dating in grad school is virtually non existent.

 

I don't think that's really true. Based on my experience, graduate students certainly have time to date. 75% of students in my department are in a relationship right now. 25% of students in the department were already in relationships prior to graduate school, so perhaps a better metric is that 50% of students started their current relationship after graduate school started. Or, if you only count the students who were single upon entering graduate school (presumably those already in relationships were not looking) then 67% of incoming single students started a relationship after graduate school began.

 

Overall, surveys of the entire campus show that about 40% of graduate students are in a relationship. 

 

I do think that graduate school does make some aspects of dating more difficult. For example, some people choose not to start relationships because they are close to graduation and will be leaving soon. Or, some people find it harder to meet people with similar interests because if you don't make an effort, grad school can be really insular and you only ever see people in your department. However, these challenges are not unique to graduate school. Well, maybe academics do move around more than other professions, but the insular thing is true for many other careers and professions too. 

 

A very common solution to the "it's hard to meet new people when you're in grad school" problem is to use online dating. A lot of my friends and colleagues met their SOs this way!

[Cheshire_Cat]

I go back and forth on this one.  I want to date, but probably not my first semester,but it would be nice to have someone for emotional support, but I don't want to burden them, but vulnerability is part of any relationship,.. back and forth it goes.

[_kita]

Sure, dating is a possibility. Most people I know who have successful relationships in graduate school though are not dating other people at that university. They had an established relationship, or friendship that turned into a relationship, prior to school starting. But that's just my observation.

[Crucial BBQ]

I was the SO, twice, to two people while they were in grad school. A third I was with during the application process.  We parted ways but she continued to date in grad school.  Her boyfriend, another grad student attending a different school.  

 

My former roommate, a Ph.D. student, was active on the dating scene.  

 

Personally, I only know one grad student who was not dating or in a relationship. 

 

From my perspective I see no difference between grad school and any thing else in life.  You either choose to make "career" a priority or you don't.  You also choose what to do with your free time. 

[Anna Davis]

For me, it was quite rather difficult to date. Coz I almost had no free time and needed person.

The only one way for me was online dating services, like kovla and others.

[LaSombra]

I don't know how many other men would agree but some general advice to single male graduate students,  be very very careful if you're trying to date another graduate student within your department. That's thin ice your walking on, departments are meant to be a community of people to some extent.  

 

[NYTreader]

I don't know how many other men would agree but some general advice to single male graduate students,  be very very careful if you're trying to date another graduate student within your department. That's thin ice your walking on, departments are meant to be a community of people to some extent.

That's an interesting point. Can you elaborate on this?

[maelia8]

I agree with LaSombra. I am a woman and I would not recommend dating another grad student in your department if at all possible. You are going to be together with folks in your department, especially in your cohort, for up to seven years or so if you're working on a Ph.D. I've seen firsthand how a bad breakup within a friend group can cause factionalism, isolation, and pain for half a dozen people, and I'd hate to see that happen in my cohort knowing that we'd have to deal with the consequences for half a decade afterwards. Most grad departments are small enough that it's literally impossible to avoid someone, so if a couple has irreconcilable differences, they will have difficulty with their daily social lives as they are constantly thrust together and might have a harder time moving on. I'm sure that it works out sometimes, and there are two or three couples in my grad department (150 people) that are still together, but it's a risky move that can cause lots of complications, so if you go for it, be aware of what you're getting into.

 

In terms of dating in general, I've had no difficulty since being in grad school. In my first year, I dated one young professional and two other grad students, and the second grad student and I are now in a long-term relationship. I took advantage of graduate student events across disciplines that were put on at the beginning of the year by the graduate association, like meet and greets, bar nights, board game nights, and dances/parties, and I had an easy time meeting with other grad students outside of my discipline. Getting involved at cross-disciplinary working groups or institutes on campus is another great way to meet other grad students outside of your discipline. I had considered signing up for online meetup groups just to get to know people, but I was so lucky in meeting other people on campus that it turned out not to be necessary.

[scarvesandcardigans]

Can anyone speak on long-distance relationships where both parties are enrolled in grad school? I hear of a lot of people moving away for jobs, or (especially) PhD programs, leaving the other person usually in a job. But what about two people that are both moving to very different places to start graduate studies? 

[ron_swanson]

Can anyone speak on long-distance relationships where both parties are enrolled in grad school? I hear of a lot of people moving away for jobs, or (especially) PhD programs, leaving the other person usually in a job. But what about two people that are both moving to very different places to start graduate studies? 

 

In my experience long-distance relationships very rarely work out.  After my first, I decided to no longer do long-distance.  But I traveled a lot and in my experience, when in any major city, you're pretty much guaranteed to find strong, meaningful relationships.  With relationship potential that high, why limit yourself and stifle your growth (both personally and academically)?  

[TakeruK]

Can anyone speak on long-distance relationships where both parties are enrolled in grad school? I hear of a lot of people moving away for jobs, or (especially) PhD programs, leaving the other person usually in a job. But what about two people that are both moving to very different places to start graduate studies? 

 

For more information, you can also try searching for phrases like "Two Body Problem" to find more on this topic (i.e. the challenge of balancing the priorities of both partners' careers). It's a fairly common issue in academia and a lot have been written about the challenge, how some people have approached it, and how others have made it work, and also stories where it doesn't work out. In addition to whatever you get from replies here, further searching might yield additional information!

 

I have not been in this situation myself though (my partner is not an academic). However, I've seen many other people go through the "two body problem", at many different stages (grad school, postdoc, faculty). A lot of people are able to make it work, but often some sort of sacrifice is made as the priorities of each couple is different. But, in no particular order, some solutions are:

 

1. Couples applying to areas where there are a lot of nearby schools to increase the chances that both will find a position and be able to live somewhere in between where a commute may be long, but not impossible.

2. Couples living apart, but still close enough to each other where they can visit every weekend or every other weekend.

3. Couples living really far apart and make it work long distance. I know of a married couple (both faculty) that live on separate continents.

4. Couples deciding that one partner's career is worth the investment so they move to the best possible location for that partner, and the second person finds the best possible position in that area. This may be easier via soft money positions.

5. Couples who do #4 but alternate which partner goes to the "ideal location" and which partner "finds the best possible position".

6. In some rare cases, partners are able to both be hired/accepted at the same school (or at least in the same city).

 

For the faculty position stage, almost all of my colleagues/friends who are in relationships with another academic have been able to find work for both of them at the same university. Every TT hire has been able to negotiate for at least a term position (postdoc or adjunct or non TT professorship) for their partner at the same school, sometimes on the condition that the other partner funds part or all of their salary through external grants. What they usually do is first achieve that (i.e. a job for both of them for the next 2-3 years) and then spend those 2-3 years going back on the market to find additional TT opportunities for both of them. The goal might be that during these 2-3 years, both partners prove themselves valuable to the University/department and perhaps the University/department will be able to offer a permanent (either TT or research staff) position to the other partner.

 

Or, as I've seen happen many times in the last few years, if the other partner is unable to find a permanent job at that University, they might both move to another University that will take both of them as TT professors. These moves are usually from a top 10 school where only one partner has a TT position (or maybe even tenure at that point) to a lower ranked school that will take both of them. Following this strategy often means taking option #4 above because these kinds of moves are generally downwards (in ranking/prestige) so you want to start as high as possible!

[ashiepoo72]

The main way to nurture a long-distance relationship is through communication and trust. Obviously this is important in any relationship, but it's especially so in long-distance ones. I've found studies that suggest solid, committed long-distance relationships can be just as fulfilling because couples are forced to communicate how they feel often. You also have a lot more to talk about when you aren't seeing each other daily. It's important not to be controlling, clingy or obsessive because, for one, it's unreasonable behavior generally, but also because your partner can easily end a long-distance relationship if you act crazy. You have to learn to trust someone who you don't see frequently and to give them space, not be texting and calling them 24/7 which can be overwhelming in any circumstance.

I think if the relationship is worth making work, you will work to make it work. Two adults who care about each another and want to stay together will try to make a long-distance relationship work. The important thing is to have the emotional maturity and self-confidence necessary to weather your partner's long absences. Some people might think it's not worth it, but it all depends on you. I think long distance would totally work for me, considering how busy I'll be in grad school. It also helps that I've never been a jealous type girlfriend and I like having my own space anyway. Relationships are very personal--you know what has the potential to work for you.

It's good to plan to see each other so it doesn't seem like you're looking into a long abyss of no physical contact, too. As long as you always have a planned visit in the future, you have something to look forward to and get excited about (maybe switch off months to visit and see each other for at least a weekend if you can. Skype is also your friend).

[scarvesandcardigans]

Thank you for the responses. I appreciate the different viewpoints for a well-rounded body of information to think through. 

 

The main way to nurture a long-distance relationship is through communication and trust. Obviously this is important in any relationship, but it's especially so in long-distance ones. I've found studies that suggest solid, committed long-distance relationships can be just as fulfilling because couples are forced to communicate how they feel often. You also have a lot more to talk about when you aren't seeing each other daily. It's important not to be controlling, clingy or obsessive because, for one, it's unreasonable behavior generally, but also because your partner can easily end a long-distance relationship if you act crazy. You have to learn to trust someone who you don't see frequently and to give them space, not be texting and calling them 24/7 which can be overwhelming in any circumstance.

I think if the relationship is worth making work, you will work to make it work. Two adults who care about each another and want to stay together will try to make a long-distance relationship work. The important thing is to have the emotional maturity and self-confidence necessary to weather your partner's long absences. Some people might think it's not worth it, but it all depends on you. I think long distance would totally work for me, considering how busy I'll be in grad school. It also helps that I've never been a jealous type girlfriend and I like having my own space anyway. Relationships are very personal--you know what has the potential to work for you.

It's good to plan to see each other so it doesn't seem like you're looking into a long abyss of no physical contact, too. As long as you always have a planned visit in the future, you have something to look forward to and get excited about (maybe switch off months to visit and see each other for at least a weekend if you can. Skype is also your friend).

 

I agree with all of this, especially with the last part. My partner and I struggle to actually make set dates work currently (we have been living in separate places since December, but they were only a few hours' drive apart). Now we are looking at the distance between Pennsylvania and North Carolina so I feel that having set dates for when we see each other will be a must. Having to buy a plane ticket in advance might help. We are both very committed academics, and I am a strong advocate for meaningful communication, maybe not 24/7, but at least enough to let your partner know that you're thinking of them, instead of unexplained radio silence. I think that both of us have the willingness and desire to make it work, but we are nervous because neither of us have been in a long-distance situation this intense. 

 

For more information, you can also try searching for phrases like "Two Body Problem" to find more on this topic (i.e. the challenge of balancing the priorities of both partners' careers). It's a fairly common issue in academia and a lot have been written about the challenge, how some people have approached it, and how others have made it work, and also stories where it doesn't work out. In addition to whatever you get from replies here, further searching might yield additional information!

 

I have not been in this situation myself though (my partner is not an academic). However, I've seen many other people go through the "two body problem", at many different stages (grad school, postdoc, faculty). A lot of people are able to make it work, but often some sort of sacrifice is made as the priorities of each couple is different. But, in no particular order, some solutions are:

 

1. Couples applying to areas where there are a lot of nearby schools to increase the chances that both will find a position and be able to live somewhere in between where a commute may be long, but not impossible.

2. Couples living apart, but still close enough to each other where they can visit every weekend or every other weekend.

3. Couples living really far apart and make it work long distance. I know of a married couple (both faculty) that live on separate continents.

4. Couples deciding that one partner's career is worth the investment so they move to the best possible location for that partner, and the second person finds the best possible position in that area. This may be easier via soft money positions.

5. Couples who do #4 but alternate which partner goes to the "ideal location" and which partner "finds the best possible position".

6. In some rare cases, partners are able to both be hired/accepted at the same school (or at least in the same city).

 

For the faculty position stage, almost all of my colleagues/friends who are in relationships with another academic have been able to find work for both of them at the same university. Every TT hire has been able to negotiate for at least a term position (postdoc or adjunct or non TT professorship) for their partner at the same school, sometimes on the condition that the other partner funds part or all of their salary through external grants. What they usually do is first achieve that (i.e. a job for both of them for the next 2-3 years) and then spend those 2-3 years going back on the market to find additional TT opportunities for both of them. The goal might be that during these 2-3 years, both partners prove themselves valuable to the University/department and perhaps the University/department will be able to offer a permanent (either TT or research staff) position to the other partner.

 

Or, as I've seen happen many times in the last few years, if the other partner is unable to find a permanent job at that University, they might both move to another University that will take both of them as TT professors. These moves are usually from a top 10 school where only one partner has a TT position (or maybe even tenure at that point) to a lower ranked school that will take both of them. Following this strategy often means taking option #4 above because these kinds of moves are generally downwards (in ranking/prestige) so you want to start as high as possible!

 

Thanks TakeruK for offering some insight to the career/academic side of the issue. It's definitely something I would not have thought about otherwise. I have heard of the Two Body Problem, but I didn't know what exactly it was. I'll be researching it for sure. As it stands now for my partner and me, I am pursuing a doctoral degree whereas he is committed to only a dual-masters program. We have discussed what would happen if our relationship successfully stood the test of a long-distance, academic long haul, and he informed me that he would have no problem moving to where I am to finish my studies since he would be finished first, so options 4 or 5 sound most in line with what we are looking at. I think we still have a couple of years before that point, though, but it is definitely worth thinking more about. 

 

In my experience long-distance relationships very rarely work out.  After my first, I decided to no longer do long-distance.  But I traveled a lot and in my experience, when in any major city, you're pretty much guaranteed to find strong, meaningful relationships.  With relationship potential that high, why limit yourself and stifle your growth (both personally and academically)?  

 

I agree that there is always high potential to find more meaningful connections with those immediately around you. I think about this often, and at some moments I agree. I guess I just don't see myself as stifled (or either of us, really) because we chose the best options for ourselves. I would rather it not work out with someone knowing that we tried, but I do understand where you're coming from and appreciate the feedback. 

[Need Coffee in an IV]

I'm not sure if you are still wondering about this or not but I can relate! My boyfriend is going to grad school in Alaska and the closest grad school that I'm applying to is Washington. That's around a three hour plane ride. We are going to be long distance for about two years and it sucks. So far, its been doable. We have skype dates and he already bought his ticket to visit me! I'm so excited. I think what's making it ok, is even though we have a 4 hour time difference, we still talk to each other everyday. Even if its for 5 minutes. Trust and communication is the only way this will work.

[NeuroMetro]

My two cents:

My wife and I were just married on the 28th. We met shortly before she needed to move away for grad school. Even though we spoke almost daily similar to @Need Coffee in an IV, and actually became the best of friends while we were apart, the main reason I think that we are together today is that we decided NOT to date while apart. We both dated other people, nothing really took for more than a short while for each of us. Though enjoying each other as best friends was the greatest thing we could do for each other over that time. When she moved home, we were quickly dating again. So, I would say that if you are secure enough to let it go (in the appropriate situation), it will happen eventually if it is meant to. And if it is not, you will at least (hopefully) still have a good friend and will have saved yourself a lot of grief. 

[peachypie]

On 6/8/2015 at 0:46 PM, GeoDUDE! said:

A quick forum search:

 

 

Your welcome. 

FFS....2 words and you managed to screw up one of them.

[GeoDUDE!]

4 hours ago, peachypie said:

FFS....2 words and you managed to screw up one of them.

It's your fault. 

[scarvesandcardigans]

On 12/11/2015 at 4:28 PM, NeuroMetro said:

My two cents:

My wife and I were just married on the 28th. We met shortly before she needed to move away for grad school. Even though we spoke almost daily similar to @Need Coffee in an IV, and actually became the best of friends while we were apart, the main reason I think that we are together today is that we decided NOT to date while apart. We both dated other people, nothing really took for more than a short while for each of us. Though enjoying each other as best friends was the greatest thing we could do for each other over that time. When she moved home, we were quickly dating again. So, I would say that if you are secure enough to let it go (in the appropriate situation), it will happen eventually if it is meant to. And if it is not, you will at least (hopefully) still have a good friend and will have saved yourself a lot of grief. 

I'm a little late (returning) to the game, but I really liked this particular post when I read it. Regarding the person I discussed in previous posts on this thread, we broke up in September. We didn't speak for four months, rekindling recently through an afternoon of talking on the phone about what is going in our lives. We both found that while we were not speaking, we went through similar processes. We pushed the feelings aside, tried to move forward, and found that we were still thinking about each other and holding on to some unresolved feelings about each other, deciding that dating other people at that/this time wasn't quite the right thing to do. We have discussed trying to be friends, not forgetting the past but rather intending to remember the good things about why we worked so well as interacting human beings. I mentioned this post during our conversation. We will see how it goes. Thank you for sharing.