Quit Playing Games (With My Heart) / Projected Rejections

[Fineanddandy]

Thank you, Punctilious. Appreciated. 

 

Edited February 13, 2018 by Fineanddandy

[Ufffdaaa]

31 minutes ago, Fineanddandy said:

I’m a lurker. I’ve applied to 11 programs. I’ve been told that I was an extremely strong candidate, yet all rejections so far. Not even a waitlist. What bothers me most is the demeanor of some people on these boards who have already been accepted to more than 1 school, yet they are complaining about rejections. Gratitude. Be thankful you have been accepted to ONE. I’m sure y’all don’t mean to sound that way - but that’s how it comes across.  Not a troll. A sad person, who will pick myself up and continue my pursuits. Best to you all and congrats to those who’ve been accepted. 

 

I'm also currently sitting on only rejections, so I know that it can be difficult to read all of the threads and see all of the acceptances rolling in for other people. It's even more frustrating when they are getting accepted to schools that I wouldn't ever have considered applying because they are too high of a reach. It's easy to grow resentful and feel self pity. Don't let others determine your own self worth though. When I start to feel that way, I try to take a break from grad cafe. This whole process can be soul crushing, but grad cafe amplifies it. I think that most of us are overachievers, so our entire identities are called into question when we don't measure up to these other somewhat anonymous forum users. 

The truth is, it's a bit hypocritical to say that people can't feel bad about getting rejected if they already have an acceptance. If it's someone's dream school (or even towards the top of their list), it still sucks. 

[hibiscus]

sitting on no offers, thinking I'm heading towards all rejections so the above posts really resonate with me. I've enforced periods where I ban myself from grad cafe because it amplifies my sense of pessimism.

 

And yet here I find myself again. 

[unicornsarereal]

I completely understand those with acceptances like myself have less right to complain. Whats driving my anxiety is that I'm afraid I'm signing my life onto somewhere that might not be the ideal fit. I think we can all resonate with that.

[CulturalCriminal]

7 minutes ago, unicornsarereal said:

I completely understand those with acceptances like myself have less right to complain. Whats driving my anxiety is that I'm afraid I'm signing my life onto somewhere that might not be the ideal fit. I think we can all resonate with that.

While I sympathize with @Fineanddandy (though I am on a wait-list), I think it is entirely valid to be afraid that the program you've gotten into won't be a strong fit or won't help you get where you want to go. I don't think people with acceptances can't be upset at not getting into programs. This is a big decision and we all want some choices.

[JustPoesieAlong]

1 hour ago, Fineanddandy said:

What bothers me most is the demeanor of some people on these boards who have already been accepted to more than 1 school, yet they are complaining about rejections. Gratitude.

I feel for your post and sincerely wish you good news soon. That said, as thankful as I am for my acceptance, I also have a boatload of additional concerns--like will my husband be able to get a job in said location, will the schools there be good for my kids, will we be able to afford living there, etc. I very much hope to have options so that I can increase the odds of finding the place that works for all of these other factors. Not to mention that I carefully and painstakingly chose schools that I thought would be the very best match for my life needs AND my academic goals. So, as thankful as I am for my acceptance, each rejection still stings because I poured my intellectual heart and soul into that chance. 

All of that is to say that, as much as I know it stings to not have good news (yet--I'm still hopeful for you), please consider also that each of us have unique life experiences that go into our thoughts on acceptances/rejections. Again, I really am hoping you hear back soon--and, if not, that you find satisfaction in whatever you decide is the next step for you. 

Edited February 13, 2018 by JustPoesieAlong

[a_sort_of_fractious_angel]

@Fineanddandy's post got me thinking about my first season (12 PhDs shut-out; offered an unfunded MA, which I took) and my second season (12 PhDs shut-out). 

A list of straight rejections is its own world of hurt. And it's a right shit world to be in. I know I've said this elsewhere, but I was the only MA in my cohort to get shut out and listening to some of my friends and peers feel their feelings about their acceptances was hard. I excused myself from several social gatherings and I opted out of GC for a while because isolation - while a Generally Bad Move When Sad - felt better than smiling through a "yes, I know you wanted [Princeton] but I'm sure you'll find a way to make [Harvard] work, friend!"

I've never felt that kind of sadness before - I don't even know if "sad" is the word for it - and while distance + time has brought peace to those memories, I can still recall what that anger/humiliation/fear/shame felt like as it unfolded. Internet hugs to you, @Fineanddandy, and to everyone whose season is a red card so far. I really, really, really hope the next few weeks bring you something amazing. 

I do think, for this season, my rejections will feel different. I share @unicornsarereal's anxiety about choosing between the best fit. I'd be nervous about that no matter if I got in 1 place or 10 or my dream school and rejections are tied to that anxiety somehow, although I can't quite articulate why. I guess it is the weight of the decision and all its attending wins/losses (many of which we can't foresee at this point) that make a rejection feel weird or painful even if there's an acceptance in hand.

Also, I have a friend at my dream school. They've worked on my SOP and have been rooting for me, along with several others who know about The School. If things go sideways for me with that particular program, I'll be mostly sad and scared to tell them. Stupid? Totally. We'll still be friends and it'll all be fine. But that rejection will hurt, too, in a different way. 

I had some sort of concluding thought but it's walked off, so I'll second @hibiscus's advice to sign off of GC if you need to (not like GC is going anywhere, lol) and best of luck to all of us.

Edited February 13, 2018 by a_sort_of_fractious_angel

[Fineanddandy]

You are kind, fractious angel. ❤️

[E. Coronaria]

Hi @Fineanddandy! Welcome to the community-- we're delighted to have you! 

I've talked about the you-only-need-one mentality elsewhere on the forum. It's a wonderful mentality and one that I have cultivated. I was right where you are for over a year. I was shut out last season and absolutely heartbroken. I can see how you would be frustrated by some of the posts here, but it helps to think of it this way: everyone on here has a different story. Some are doing victory laps because it's their third season and they finally have a slew of offers. Some people have several offers, but maybe the funding options on the offers that have come in aren't what they need them to be. In other cases, they've worked their asses off on their research, and every rejection of their research is a personal blow. My research is so personal. I've been working on one very specific subject for three years. While I'm grateful that I have two offers, it's sometimes hard to keep everything in perspective when scholars you admire review your life's work and deem it unworthy/uninteresting/ don't want to work with you. So much about this process is about "fit." That's what makes it so painful. 

You'll get in somewhere. There's a whole community of people rooting for you!

 @a_sort_of_fractious_angel--- what a beautiful response! I, too, opted out of gradcafe for awhile after the last round, although I was just a lurker. 

[themoderncondition]

Since we’re sharing our hellish journeys....

This has been a 10-year process for me. Three years running I applied and got shut out each year. Here’s why it was CRUSHING: As intellectuals, we are not used to basically being told, “You’re not smart enough.” Getting that message, so unequivocally, goes to the core of our identities and makes us question everything we thought we knew about ourselves. It took years for me to get my self-esteem back.

 

Last year I applied to only two programs (ones that did not require a subject GRE bc I didn’t think I could take that). Shut out again, and I cried, but not like I did a few years ago. It lit a fire under me. I studied my ass off and nailed the Lit GRE this round. Now I’ve been accepted to one program and given an additional fellowship. I’m waiting to hear from other programs that are ~better~ but that one shot, that one person who finally believed in me, makes me feel so humbled and grateful. 

I hope none of you have to wait as long as I did, but I wanted to share that even tho the rejections are absolutely shattering, and even if they knock you down again and again, there’s always hope, and all it takes is one acceptance (even if it’s not this cycle). 

Good luck ❤️

[clinamen]

1 hour ago, a_sort_of_fractious_angel said:

A list of straight rejections is its own world of hurt. And it's a right shit world to be in. I know I've said this elsewhere, but I was the only MA in my cohort to get shut out and listening to some of my friends and peers feel their feelings about their acceptances was hard. I excused myself from several social gatherings and I opted out of GC for a while because isolation - while a Generally Bad Move When Sad - felt better than smiling through a "yes, I know you wanted [Princeton] but I'm sure you'll find a way to make [Harvard] work, friend!"

I've never felt that kind of sadness before - I don't even know if "sad" is the word for it - and while distance + time has brought peace to those memories, I can still recall what that anger/humiliation/fear/shame felt like as it unfolded. Internet hugs to you, @Fineanddandy, and to everyone whose season is a red card so far. I really, really, really hope the next few weeks bring you something amazing. 

@a_sort_of_fractious_angel 's experience is strikingly similar to my own. I was shut out last year -- the only one in my MA program to be shut out -- from 10 programs. And I can't agree more with the way this horrible feeling has been articulated above. It was awful. Terrible awful. I felt terribly bitter when I would read reported acceptances on the results board that were like "I guess if none of my other schools accept me I'll go here [insert dream school]." I empathize with you @Fineanddandy , I really really do. But I, like @a_sort_of_fractious_angel, have had some success another go around, so sometimes it does just take a few tries. Don't give up, and just power through it. Also, it's not over yet so you may still be pleasantly surprised! 

[a_sort_of_fractious_angel]

2 hours ago, Fineanddandy said:

You are kind, fractious angel. ❤️

Thanks  Thank you for posting and, please, keep us in the loop about how this all goes, if you'd like.

2 hours ago, E. Coronaria said:

 I've been working on one very specific subject for three years. While I'm grateful that I have two offers, it's sometimes hard to keep everything in perspective when scholars you admire review your life's work and deem it unworthy/uninteresting/ don't want to work with you. So much about this process is about "fit." That's what makes it so painful. 

You'll get in somewhere. There's a whole community of people rooting for you!

 @a_sort_of_fractious_angel--- what a beautiful response! I, too, opted out of gradcafe for awhile after the last round, although I was just a lurker. 

Thanks, friend! And this^ about fit - yes. Fit can be scary to think through because it's so personal. And, when applying, They determine the fit. When weighing acceptances, we  have to determine the fit. I'm already starting to realize that, whatever I choose, some people I respect and trust won't agree with my program of choice. 

1 hour ago, themoderncondition said:

I’m waiting to hear from other programs that are ~better~ but that one shot, that one person who finally believed in me, makes me feel so humbled and grateful. 

I hope none of you have to wait as long as I did, but I wanted to share that even tho the rejections are absolutely shattering, and even if they knock you down again and again, there’s always hope, and all it takes is one acceptance (even if it’s not this cycle). 

Good luck ❤️

This is inspiring AF, first of all, and I love how you describe ~better~ schools ... that's exactly how I have come to think of them, haha. 

[JustPoesieAlong]

Any of y'all have some insight into Emory? I see two acceptances and a rejection, but haven't heard anything. I've got this silly dream that I might actually be on a secret waitlist, but maybe that rejection is from someone who interviewed and they're going to alert the rest of us later...I realize I'm likely out, but i'm curious anyway.

[LibraryLivingJT]

Not feeling any acceptances for me for any of the Cali schools...still have my fingers crossed for USC (my top choice) and UC Irvine (my second choice) - both have some admits up already.

BUT - I am very happy for Delaware, as it is my 4th choice out of 9

[punctilious]

5 minutes ago, LibraryLivingJT said:

Not feeling any acceptances for me for any of the Cali schools...still have my fingers crossed for USC (my top choice) and UC Irvine (my second choice) - both have some admits up already.

BUT - I am very happy for Delaware, as it is my 4th choice out of 9

I'm hoping that you get into one of your favorites! Are you from California?

[LibraryLivingJT]

21 minutes ago, punctilious said:

I'm hoping that you get into one of your favorites! Are you from California?

No I am not! I am from MA born and raised and have lived here my whole life - I just hate winter haha.

And thank you! But I believe Delaware will quickly rise the ranks once I visit in person

[a_sort_of_fractious_angel]

4 minutes ago, LibraryLivingJT said:

No I am not! I am from MA born and raised and have lived here my whole life - I just hate winter haha.

And thank you! But I believe Delaware will quickly rise the ranks once I visit in person

It's a beautiful campus! I'm from the Philly suburb area and had several friends from high school attend UD for undergrad and I visited them a fair amount. Beautiful campus, seriously. Cool people (undergrads and otherwise) and an overall very livable area. Plus, it's like 45 min to my area (where there are a ton of train lines to Philly) so you can get your urban fix pretty easy. 

Also, the department seems SO nice! and COOL!

[punctilious]

3 minutes ago, LibraryLivingJT said:

No I am not! I am from MA born and raised and have lived here my whole life - I just hate winter haha.

And thank you! But I believe Delaware will quickly rise the ranks once I visit in person

I feel that. Husband and I are Vermonters living in Virginia. I dread the idea of going back north! It has only snowed like four times total over the past two years that I've lived here, and it's going to be 70 degrees on Thursday. Yet my parents back in VT have a snow pile taller than my dad in their front yard right now! I do not miss long winters.

[punctilious]

3 minutes ago, a_sort_of_fractious_angel said:

It's a beautiful campus! I'm from the Philly suburb area and had several friends from high school attend UD for undergrad and I visited them a fair amount. Beautiful campus, seriously. Cool people (undergrads and otherwise) and an overall very livable area. Plus, it's like 45 min to my area (where there are a ton of train lines to Philly) so you can get your urban fix pretty easy. 

Also, the department seems SO nice! and COOL!

I am a sucker for pretty campuses, so this is wonderful to hear!

[LibraryLivingJT]

6 minutes ago, a_sort_of_fractious_angel said:

It's a beautiful campus! I'm from the Philly suburb area and had several friends from high school attend UD for undergrad and I visited them a fair amount. Beautiful campus, seriously. Cool people (undergrads and otherwise) and an overall very livable area. Plus, it's like 45 min to my area (where there are a ton of train lines to Philly) so you can get your urban fix pretty easy. 

Also, the department seems SO nice! and COOL!

I agree! The department seems really really awesome - I have heard nothing but good things about it! The Race and Ethnicity track has me so incredibly excited - it was the main reason I applied there, along with their balanced emphasis on both teaching and research. 

Congrats on all of your acceptances! Are you attending the accepted students days at U of Delaware?

[LibraryLivingJT]

On 2/13/2018 at 8:31 PM, punctilious said:

I feel that. Husband and I are Vermonters living in Virginia. I dread the idea of going back north! It has only snowed like four times total over the past two years that I've lived here, and it's going to be 70 degrees on Thursday. Yet my parents back in VT have a snow pile taller than my dad in their front yard right now! I do not miss long winters.

Yes, I applied to all places with mild or no winters.

[a_sort_of_fractious_angel]

17 minutes ago, punctilious said:

I am a sucker for pretty campuses, so this is wonderful to hear!

Ya, ya. My undergrad is a SLAC in the rural hills of NE America that has a patented brick design and color and my grad institution is beautifully presidential, so I'm judgey as all hell about campuses. And I love Delaware. 11/10 enjoy aesthetically. Especially in the fall. The greens, the leafs, the gently setting sun .... ugh. Haha. 

13 minutes ago, LibraryLivingJT said:

I agree! The department seems really really awesome - I have heard nothing but good things about it! The Race and Ethnicity track has me so incredibly excited - it was the main reason I applied there, along with their balanced emphasis on both teaching and research. 

Congrats on all of your acceptances! Are you attending the accepted students days at U of Delaware?

Thank you! As the youth say, I'm #blessed this season.

My heart hurts to say no - Buffalo is the same weekend and I kind of committed to them before I heard back from Delaware. I'm also close to UD, so I figured I can swing by on my own (which would be harder for Buffalo, lol.)

I don't love the idea of not meeting other people and missing out on stuff but ... I have you and @punctilious to perhaps compare notes with?? And the Race & Ethnicity track is super exciting! I'd love to hang out on that track and the Transatlantic/Transnational Studies track. Both are perfect for my interests and I'm really excited to learn more! 

Edited February 14, 2018 by a_sort_of_fractious_angel

[LibraryLivingJT]

11 minutes ago, a_sort_of_fractious_angel said:

Ya, ya. My undergrad is a SLAC in the rural hills of NE America that has a patented brick design and color and my grad institution is beautifully presidential, so I'm judgey as all hell about campuses. And I love Delaware. 11/10 enjoy aesthetically. Especially in the fall. The greens, the leafs, the gently setting sun .... ugh. Haha. 

Thank you! As the youth say, I'm #blessed this season.

My heart hurts to say no - Buffalo is the same weekend and I kind of committed to them before I heard back from Delaware. I'm also close to UD, so I figured I can swing by on my own (which would be harder for Buffalo, lol.)

I don't love the idea of not meeting other people and missing out on stuff but ... I have you and @punctilious to perhaps compare notes with?? And the Race & Ethnicity track is super exciting! I'd love to hang out on that track and the Transatlantic/Transnational Studies track. Both are perfect for my interests and I'm really excited to learn more! 

Yes, I will be taking tons of notes and pics when I visit U of D! 

[Warelin]

@a_sort_of_fractious_angel: fwiw, Penn State is still reviewing applications and will be until April 15.

[punctilious]

20 minutes ago, a_sort_of_fractious_angel said:

I have you and @punctilious to perhaps compare notes with?

I’m honestly jealous that you guys get to go to the admitted student days. I’ll just be walking around or hanging in hotel rooms...