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Adelaide9216

Love, Academia and Success

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5 hours ago, Bodhicaryavatara said:

30/F myself and hopelessly single.  I can definitely empathize with your situation as an educated WOC navigating romance.   I was in your boat at 25 as well.  Didn't have my first relationship (and was a virgin) until 28.  I wish I could tell you "it gets better", but, at least in my case it hasn't.  Last week I was rejected by a very promising guy because his parents didn't approve of me on account of our horoscopes not matching.  Such bullsh*t.  Taking time to recharge and focus on self-care has helped me get over the "almost relationships".  

 

Hello, I am sorry things have not gotten better for you. We are in the same boat. And I totally understand what you mean when you talk about "almost relationships". It's the story of my life. It's very frustrating but I have given up on this. I feel better when I tell myself that I don't want to be hopeful anymore and want to start looking at other options. 

To be honest, I am considering having a family on my own at this point. Not tomorrow, but I am on a waitlist to adopt in a couple of years. Additionally, I recently found an Internet forum of single women in my region who have decided to have a kids on their own either through adoption or medical procedures. Most of these women started their journey at the end of their 20s, a lot of them are mothers already. It's a resource where we support one another no matter what stage we are at in our journey. Some who had their children and were older when they did said they would've started the process earlier if they knew it was possible (so around my age basically). Finding this forum really helped me to realize that I am not insane or being ridiculous for wishing to be in a stable relationship at almost 26. 

One woman said that she finds it ironical that when a single woman in her mid-twenties wants a family, everybody says "oh you're young, you're worried for nothing, you've got plenty of time." But tons of people are in committed relationships in their mid-twenties and have kids at that age and nobody says anything negative about that. The fact that I am single doesn't change anything to the fact that I'd like to have these types of experiences as well. 

 

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1 hour ago, Adelaide9216 said:

Hello, I am sorry things have not gotten better for you. We are in the same boat. And I totally understand what you mean when you talk about "almost relationships". It's the story of my life. It's very frustrating but I have given up on this. I feel better when I tell myself that I don't want to be hopeful anymore and want to start looking at other options. 

To be honest, I am considering having a family on my own at this point. Not tomorrow, but I am on a waitlist to adopt in a couple of years. Additionally, I recently found an Internet forum of single women in my region who have decided to have a kids on their own either through adoption or medical procedures. Most of these women started their journey at the end of their 20s, a lot of them are mothers already. It's a resource where we support one another no matter what stage we are at in our journey. Some who had their children and were older when they did said they would've started the process earlier if they knew it was possible (so around my age basically). Finding this forum really helped me to realize that I am not insane or being ridiculous for wishing to be in a stable relationship at almost 26. 

One woman said that she finds it ironical that when a single woman in her mid-twenties wants a family, everybody says "oh you're young, you're worried for nothing, you've got plenty of time." But tons of people are in committed relationships in their mid-twenties and have kids at that age and nobody says anything negative about that. The fact that I am single doesn't change anything to the fact that I'd like to have these types of experiences as well. 

 

Hmm...I should look into whether single mother adoption is allowed in my jurisdiction.  I definitely have a strong nurturing instinct.  

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I graduated undergraduate in Dec 2012. Since 2012 I have applied for PhD for Fall 2013, Fall 2015, Fall 2016 and Fall 2019. I'm determined lol. 

I was international student until recently, I got married  Spring 2017. When I didn't get into a doctoral program my first round, I decided to work as an associate research scientist for four years until I was accepted in Brown University for my Master in Fall 2017. During the year between 2013-2017, I was able to grow as a person / woman, got to meet my current husband. 

My parents were kinda supporting me to go to school, but they also wanted me to get a boyfriend (and husband eventually). I met my husband in 2014, we got married in 2017. He is supporting me now for my masters, he is also quite supportive with me going to get my PhD because it has been my dream to be a Dr. So I am glad I married him, he loves me for who I am, and what I'll be. :)

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On 8/30/2018 at 2:30 PM, Adelaide9216 said:

Not tomorrow, but I am on a waitlist to adopt in a couple of years.

Here are two anecdotes of people I know quite personally which may help you! Different outcomes for two happy lives. 

1. One of my previous professors, now a friend, got on the tenure track after recently getting her PhD. She had an MFA previously and was involved in activism and academia for years. Single in her thirties, she decided to adopt. Just this year, she adopted a baby, published another book, and is doing wonderfully! ❤️ 🍼

2. A wonderful friend I made in my MA is a POC pursuing a PhD in their mid-late twenties. They're also a queer activist and didn't have a ton of success dating men or women for a long time, but they just met and married the love of their life ❤️ 🎓

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1 hour ago, Mayli said:

Here are two anecdotes of people I know quite personally which may help you! Different outcomes for two happy lives. 

1. One of my previous professors, now a friend, got on the tenure track after recently getting her PhD. She had an MFA previously and was involved in activism and academia for years. Single in her thirties, she decided to adopt. Just this year, she adopted a baby, published another book, and is doing wonderfully! ❤️ 🍼

2. A wonderful friend I made in my MA is a POC pursuing a PhD in their mid-late twenties. They're also a queer activist and didn't have a ton of success dating men or women for a long time, but they just met and married the love of their life ❤️ 🎓

I'm glad this thread got bumped because I was getting sad about this stuff all over again lol. The time around Valentine's is rough. 

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Yes, Valentine's Day was hard. I have decided to give up and shut the door to a romantic life. This is way too hard for me. I don't have what it takes for it. I now focus on my studies and other activities, and I feel much better when I do that. 

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1 hour ago, Adelaide9216 said:

Yes, Valentine's Day was hard. I have decided to give up and shut the door to a romantic life. This is way too hard for me. I don't have what it takes for it. I now focus on my studies and other activities, and I feel much better when I do that. 

When it happens, let it be a pleasant surprise amid all the wonderful things you are doing. 

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@Adelaide9216 First things first, I am really proud of the person you are right now; independent, knowledgeable, confident and humble. I think not fitting in is what distinguishes you and will also distinguish your partner from all the other men out there whom you will definitely find in the future. Don't beat yourself for not yet finding a partner and continue to do what you love doing. I have realized after being in a relationship that self-love is so much more important than loving your significant other. Also, don't consider love and career as mutually exclusive. Keep patience and you will not have to give up on either one of them. :)  

Edited by Anxiously Hopeful

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11 minutes ago, Anxiously Hopeful said:

@Adelaide9216 First things first, I am really proud of the person you are right now; independent, knowledgeable, confident and humble. I think not fitting in is what distinguishes you and will also distinguish your partner from all the other men out there whom you will definitely find in the future. Don't beat yourself for not yet finding a partner and continue to do what you love doing. I have realized after being in a relationship that self-love is so much more important than loving your significant other. Also, don't consider love and career as mutually exclusive. Keep patience and you will not have to give up on either one of them. :)  

❤️ 

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Oh man, I feel this so much. I am older (30+) and single and four years ago, I decided, fuck it, I want to be a mom, so I started the process to become a single mom by choice. I figured I had sealed my fate then, and would be alone forever, but still secretly had some hope. And then I decided to go back to school and work toward getting my PhD. So now that I’m a single mom and about to enroll in at least five more years of intense school work, I am starting to feel some despair at the idea that I am really really going to be alone forever. I mean the only people I will meet in my dating age range are professors who I am not allowed to date even if I didn’t think that was a very bad idea. So yeah. I’m proud of myself, proud of the choice I made to give my son and I a better life, and also sad that that better life will not include any sort of romance, but oh well. What can you do? I should add that I’m also a WOC most likely moving to a very white area, so yeah, play the tiny violin for me, lol.

Edited by Psyhopeful

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I understand why you're frustrated, but as others have said, your situation is certainly not hopeless!

Something to consider is that you're probably "intimidating" to men because you're not just smart, but mature. It's normal for men to act like teenagers well into their 20s and 30s, regardless of education level. You sound like you're very independent and self-motivated, and those traits will seem off-putting to immature 25 year olds. But as you get older, men will catch up to you mentally, and matches will be easier to come by.

I know that involves some waiting, but in some ways you're lucky. Most people's lives go downhill after college, but you're climbing higher with age.

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Thanks. I'm going through a rough phase again tonight. I find it hard, for real. And I feel ashamed and guilty at the same time because lots of people tell me they'd like to be in my shoes. But when I get sad, I re-read the replies to this thread.

PS: I am now 26.

Edited by Adelaide9216

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