Love, Academia and Success

[Adelaide9216]

5 hours ago, Bodhicaryavatara said:

30/F myself and hopelessly single.  I can definitely empathize with your situation as an educated WOC navigating romance.   I was in your boat at 25 as well.  Didn't have my first relationship (and was a virgin) until 28.  I wish I could tell you "it gets better", but, at least in my case it hasn't.  Last week I was rejected by a very promising guy because his parents didn't approve of me on account of our horoscopes not matching.  Such bullsh*t.  Taking time to recharge and focus on self-care has helped me get over the "almost relationships".  

 

Hello, I am sorry things have not gotten better for you. We are in the same boat. And I totally understand what you mean when you talk about "almost relationships". It's the story of my life. It's very frustrating but I have given up on this. I feel better when I tell myself that I don't want to be hopeful anymore and want to start looking at other options. 

To be honest, I am considering having a family on my own at this point. Not tomorrow, but I am on a waitlist to adopt in a couple of years. Additionally, I recently found an Internet forum of single women in my region who have decided to have a kids on their own either through adoption or medical procedures. Most of these women started their journey at the end of their 20s, a lot of them are mothers already. It's a resource where we support one another no matter what stage we are at in our journey. Some who had their children and were older when they did said they would've started the process earlier if they knew it was possible (so around my age basically). Finding this forum really helped me to realize that I am not insane or being ridiculous for wishing to be in a stable relationship at almost 26. 

One woman said that she finds it ironical that when a single woman in her mid-twenties wants a family, everybody says "oh you're young, you're worried for nothing, you've got plenty of time." But tons of people are in committed relationships in their mid-twenties and have kids at that age and nobody says anything negative about that. The fact that I am single doesn't change anything to the fact that I'd like to have these types of experiences as well. 

 

[MettaSutta]

1 hour ago, Adelaide9216 said:

Hello, I am sorry things have not gotten better for you. We are in the same boat. And I totally understand what you mean when you talk about "almost relationships". It's the story of my life. It's very frustrating but I have given up on this. I feel better when I tell myself that I don't want to be hopeful anymore and want to start looking at other options. 

To be honest, I am considering having a family on my own at this point. Not tomorrow, but I am on a waitlist to adopt in a couple of years. Additionally, I recently found an Internet forum of single women in my region who have decided to have a kids on their own either through adoption or medical procedures. Most of these women started their journey at the end of their 20s, a lot of them are mothers already. It's a resource where we support one another no matter what stage we are at in our journey. Some who had their children and were older when they did said they would've started the process earlier if they knew it was possible (so around my age basically). Finding this forum really helped me to realize that I am not insane or being ridiculous for wishing to be in a stable relationship at almost 26. 

One woman said that she finds it ironical that when a single woman in her mid-twenties wants a family, everybody says "oh you're young, you're worried for nothing, you've got plenty of time." But tons of people are in committed relationships in their mid-twenties and have kids at that age and nobody says anything negative about that. The fact that I am single doesn't change anything to the fact that I'd like to have these types of experiences as well. 

 

Hmm...I should look into whether single mother adoption is allowed in my jurisdiction.  I definitely have a strong nurturing instinct.  

[StHoly]

I graduated undergraduate in Dec 2012. Since 2012 I have applied for PhD for Fall 2013, Fall 2015, Fall 2016 and Fall 2019. I'm determined lol. 

I was international student until recently, I got married  Spring 2017. When I didn't get into a doctoral program my first round, I decided to work as an associate research scientist for four years until I was accepted in Brown University for my Master in Fall 2017. During the year between 2013-2017, I was able to grow as a person / woman, got to meet my current husband. 

My parents were kinda supporting me to go to school, but they also wanted me to get a boyfriend (and husband eventually). I met my husband in 2014, we got married in 2017. He is supporting me now for my masters, he is also quite supportive with me going to get my PhD because it has been my dream to be a Dr. So I am glad I married him, he loves me for who I am, and what I'll be.

[Maylee]

On 8/30/2018 at 2:30 PM, Adelaide9216 said:

Not tomorrow, but I am on a waitlist to adopt in a couple of years.

Here are two anecdotes of people I know quite personally which may help you! Different outcomes for two happy lives. 

1. One of my previous professors, now a friend, got on the tenure track after recently getting her PhD. She had an MFA previously and was involved in activism and academia for years. Single in her thirties, she decided to adopt. Just this year, she adopted a baby, published another book, and is doing wonderfully! ❤️ ?

2. A wonderful friend I made in my MA is a POC pursuing a PhD in their mid-late twenties. They're also a queer activist and didn't have a ton of success dating men or women for a long time, but they just met and married the love of their life ❤️ ?

[ResilientDreams]

1 hour ago, Mayli said:

Here are two anecdotes of people I know quite personally which may help you! Different outcomes for two happy lives. 

1. One of my previous professors, now a friend, got on the tenure track after recently getting her PhD. She had an MFA previously and was involved in activism and academia for years. Single in her thirties, she decided to adopt. Just this year, she adopted a baby, published another book, and is doing wonderfully! ❤️ ?

2. A wonderful friend I made in my MA is a POC pursuing a PhD in their mid-late twenties. They're also a queer activist and didn't have a ton of success dating men or women for a long time, but they just met and married the love of their life ❤️ ?

I'm glad this thread got bumped because I was getting sad about this stuff all over again lol. The time around Valentine's is rough. 

[Adelaide9216]

Yes, Valentine's Day was hard. I have decided to give up and shut the door to a romantic life. This is way too hard for me. I don't have what it takes for it. I now focus on my studies and other activities, and I feel much better when I do that. 

[Maylee]

1 hour ago, Adelaide9216 said:

Yes, Valentine's Day was hard. I have decided to give up and shut the door to a romantic life. This is way too hard for me. I don't have what it takes for it. I now focus on my studies and other activities, and I feel much better when I do that. 

When it happens, let it be a pleasant surprise amid all the wonderful things you are doing. 

[Anxiously Hopeful]

@Adelaide9216 First things first, I am really proud of the person you are right now; independent, knowledgeable, confident and humble. I think not fitting in is what distinguishes you and will also distinguish your partner from all the other men out there whom you will definitely find in the future. Don't beat yourself for not yet finding a partner and continue to do what you love doing. I have realized after being in a relationship that self-love is so much more important than loving your significant other. Also, don't consider love and career as mutually exclusive. Keep patience and you will not have to give up on either one of them.   

Edited February 22, 2019 by Anxiously Hopeful

[Adelaide9216]

11 minutes ago, Anxiously Hopeful said:

@Adelaide9216 First things first, I am really proud of the person you are right now; independent, knowledgeable, confident and humble. I think not fitting in is what distinguishes you and will also distinguish your partner from all the other men out there whom you will definitely find in the future. Don't beat yourself for not yet finding a partner and continue to do what you love doing. I have realized after being in a relationship that self-love is so much more important than loving your significant other. Also, don't consider love and career as mutually exclusive. Keep patience and you will not have to give up on either one of them.   

❤️ 

[Psyhopeful]

Oh man, I feel this so much. I am older (30+) and single and four years ago, I decided, fuck it, I want to be a mom, so I started the process to become a single mom by choice. I figured I had sealed my fate then, and would be alone forever, but still secretly had some hope. And then I decided to go back to school and work toward getting my PhD. So now that I’m a single mom and about to enroll in at least five more years of intense school work, I am starting to feel some despair at the idea that I am really really going to be alone forever. I mean the only people I will meet in my dating age range are professors who I am not allowed to date even if I didn’t think that was a very bad idea. So yeah. I’m proud of myself, proud of the choice I made to give my son and I a better life, and also sad that that better life will not include any sort of romance, but oh well. What can you do? I should add that I’m also a WOC most likely moving to a very white area, so yeah, play the tiny violin for me, lol.

Edited February 26, 2019 by Psyhopeful

[Adelaide9216]

Feeling low (again) tonight because of this.

[ResilientDreams]

17 minutes ago, Adelaide9216 said:

Feeling low (again) tonight because of this.

Same...

[Adelaide9216]

1 minute ago, ResilientDreams said:

Same...

❤️❤️❤️

[feralgrad]

I understand why you're frustrated, but as others have said, your situation is certainly not hopeless!

Something to consider is that you're probably "intimidating" to men because you're not just smart, but mature. It's normal for men to act like teenagers well into their 20s and 30s, regardless of education level. You sound like you're very independent and self-motivated, and those traits will seem off-putting to immature 25 year olds. But as you get older, men will catch up to you mentally, and matches will be easier to come by.

I know that involves some waiting, but in some ways you're lucky. Most people's lives go downhill after college, but you're climbing higher with age.

[Adelaide9216]

Thanks. I'm going through a rough phase again tonight. I find it hard, for real. And I feel ashamed and guilty at the same time because lots of people tell me they'd like to be in my shoes. But when I get sad, I re-read the replies to this thread.

PS: I am now 26.

Edited March 26, 2019 by Adelaide9216

[Evelyn.D]

@Adelaide9216 I'm a choice mom and had my daughter at 38 while finishing up my undergrad. Unlike many other choice moms, I don't have a ton of money but somehow I keep making it work. I've made some huge sacrifices but cannot begin to express how much my daughter has brought to my life. She's 4.5 now and starting kinder as I begin grad school this fall. Hit me up if you want to chat about it. 

[Demure]

I’m in a similar situation ; 23, WOC, starting grad school this fall, never had my first kiss or even been on a date or asked out. I fell in love once but he rejected me and emotionally manipulated me into staying friends only to drop me after undergrad graduation. I’m still not over him.

This morning I went out to brunch and all the girls were complaining about how their boyfriends haven’t proposed yet... meanwhile I’ve been completely single and unwanted my entire life.

I’m hoping I’ll have better luck when I move to a big city for grad school, but I’m scared I might end up feeling even more lonely there than I do now. :(

I’m glad I’m truly passionate about the subject I’ll be studying, but like you said, I really don’t want my only purpose in life to be my career.

[Adelaide9216]

10 hours ago, Demure said:

I’m in a similar situation ; 23, WOC, starting grad school this fall, never had my first kiss or even been on a date or asked out. I fell in love once but he rejected me and emotionally manipulated me into staying friends only to drop me after undergrad graduation. I’m still not over him.

This morning I went out to brunch and all the girls were complaining about how their boyfriends haven’t proposed yet... meanwhile I’ve been completely single and unwanted my entire life.

I’m hoping I’ll have better luck when I move to a big city for grad school, but I’m scared I might end up feeling even more lonely there than I do now.

I’m glad I’m truly passionate about the subject I’ll be studying, but like you said, I really don’t want my only purpose in life to be my career.

❤️❤️❤️

[PianoPsych]

Thank you for this thread. I haven't dated anyone before, and it's scary because people around me are beginning to settle into long-term relationships while I am probably going to move countries/cities several times before I get to settle down. There's also the uncertainty around what the dating scene will be like for me at my future university. ?

How's everyone doing?

[Adelaide9216]

Still single.  I enjoy spending time on my own though, I just wish I had a partner as well.

[PianoPsych]

On 10/13/2019 at 3:17 PM, Adelaide9216 said:

Still single.  I enjoy spending time on my own though, I just wish I had a partner as well.

Aww, me too... ☹️

[samman1994]

Thought I'd give in an update from my previous answers since now I've been in grad school for over a year....and wow has my perspective changed. 

1) My perspective was from a person living in LA. A city with lots of activities (bars, clubs, basically an active nightlife), so many opportunities to go out and meet people. 

2) I wasn't in grad school quite yet. 

That being said, as someone who's now living in a smaller city in CT, and been in grad school over a year. It's definitely doable, but it's not easy. I've remained in my relationship, so I haven't actively been looking, but I do have a number of friends who are single so I can somewhat understand the situation a little better. 

1) It's just harder to meet people. There isn't as much to do out here, and online dating here doesn't work as well as back in LA

2) There really isn't enough time. Dating and relationships take quite a bit of time to develop, both physically (going on dates, hanging out), and verbally (texting and talking to someone throughout the day). In grad school you will sometimes have days where you just won't have the time or energy to do these things. And trying to date someone outside of grad school, they might not understand why you won't even have time to talk to them for a couple of days. 

3) The priorities are different. A lot of my single friends would love a relationship, but at this point in their lives, their entire focus is on grad school. They have prelims coming up, looking to publish papers, their lab work is picking up. This ties into the 2nd point a bit as well. They might start something off for a little while with someone, but then it just drops off because they focus more on their lab school work than dating. 

These combined just makes it difficult to meet someone outside of grad school. And I'm in a smaller program, where most people are currently in relationships or married, making the pool of possible matches smaller. At some level, I wouldn't say you lose hope, but I've seen many here with the attitude of "if it happens it happens, but I'm not wasting my time on it". 

Not to mention grad school is emotional, and as someone in a long distance relationship, some days when my experiments aren't working, I have a bunch of papers to read/write, I'd just love to come home and cuddle and be loved and forget all my troubles/worries. In addition, many move away from their friends and family going to grad school, so that feeling of isolation is made 10x worse. Which then makes getting emotionally invested in someone for a potential relationship even more difficult. 

[Adelaide9216]

Not feeling well today and cried because of this (again). 

My birthday is a few weeks, I am approaching my thirties, and I still feel the same way about this. It's also going to be 15 years since my first heartbreak, the first one of a long series of heartbreaks and dissapointments. I've also had people who have known me for the last 15 years, and they've stopped telling me "it'll come" because they just see that after 15 years of being told to be patient and hopeful every single year, it just doesn't sink in anymore, it has no effect on me anymore to be honest.

One thing that worries me is that I can see myself becoming angry. So, I try to divert my attention to school, reading, writing because these are things I genuinely enjoy and feel good at. I don't understand why I can't get better than the shitty men who have treated me like I was not a human being. I don't want to change who I am, I have a lot of respect for who I am as well and I would never tolerate anyone making me feel less than a human, never. "It's their loss". Yes, it's their loss but it still gets lonely at the same time. I was more hopeful when I was younger. I was not expecting my adult life to be so difficult romantically speaking, and I certainely did not expect that all of those women and friends who'd tell me that I'd have a hard time finding a man would be right. I was so motivated to prove them wrong. Unfortunately, I can't. 

When I think about my love life, I sincerely feel like I am looking for a needle in a haystack. I really feel like my case is lost. 

[Adelaide9216]

My sister was telling this woman that I am doing a PhD. The woman replied back that I will never find a man.

 

yikes. I wasn’t there when it happened but my sister - who is very proud of me - felt very puzzled by this woman’s comment.

 

[AnachronisticPoet]

Women in my family have made comments about me not getting married until after grad school but more because I think they see my life "starting" when I finish school and not that being in a PhD would be part of my life. I'm less concerned with the 'intimidating' thing and more that being in a PhD program makes it difficult to be in a relationship especially with the tumultuous nature of the field and not knowing where I'll be next geographically, as well as being in a (potentially) new city and not really meeting people outside the program.

I was talking with a professor in my program about applying PhD's in general and relationships came up. When I told her (at the time) that I was single, she responded, "Good. That makes choosing and transitioning to a program easier." Her husband is in academia, too, and she said they struggle a lot with debt and finances because they're both in this field. 

I'm now in a relationship and waiting to hear back from PhD's. My boyfriend is applying to Law schools in the area whereas I've applied all over the country. Even though we have a great, open, and communicative relationship, and he's super supportive of my career, we've kind of just been putting off discussing what the future looks like for our relationship because things are so uncertain right now. It's become "let's just wait and see" about applications, and that's been kind of tough.