Oklash Posted February 7, 2018 Share Posted February 7, 2018 It’s getting really hard to keep going. I’ve spent a year and almost $2,000 crafting grad school applications and in the course of a week, I’ve already been rejected from 7 of the 10 schools I applied to. I’ve even been rejected from safe schools. I took GRE classes, paid writing consultants and put everything into my volunteer work and gap year. But it still wasn’t enough. I don’t know why I thought I could do this. I don’t know why I thought I was good enough. Whenever I tell someone this, the only comforting response is “there’s always next year,” but this is actually my 2nd year applying and this will probably be the 2nd time in a row I’ve been unanimously rejected. I don’t think I can do this again. I wouldn’t say I was suicidal because that would hurt my family too much. I’ve also tried twice and neither attempt worked, hence my delimma. But I truly have nothing to live for. All my friends have gone to start thier careers but I’m still working for no pay at my family’s restaurant and caring for my chronically ill mother. I have no internships, no job prospects and nothing to do with my history and English BAs. I couldn’t even get a job at Sprint mobile. I have ruined my own life and I can’t even get admitted into programs that will let me do the one thing I’m good at, which is to say that I’m probably not good at it all. I wanted a career in academia and research but I think it’s time I just give up on this dream. It’s been made clear that I suck too much to even take the first steps in realizing this dream. If I don’t get into grad school this year, I’ll probably just keep serving pasta and living with my parents forever while wishing that I could be hit by a bus, struck by meteors and devoured by crows and a stray cat. Ive never been this discouraged before. bognaMK, DreamersDay and bakedmanapua 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
surprise_quiche Posted February 7, 2018 Share Posted February 7, 2018 @Oklash I know how you're feeling. Like there is no path for you if you don't end up in academia. But who knows what will happen, a job could come around that is perfect for you, even if it isn't in research. But you've put in the work and that in itself is something to be proud of. You've accomplished so much, and whatever happens you can be sure you did everything you could. That doesn't mean you're a failure, and it definitely doesn't mean you'll never amount to anything. You already know you're capable of doing something incredibly difficult (getting through this hellhole process) and that drive and energy could help lead you to a path you can't even imagine right now. I've felt this way, many many times. The best thing you can do while you wait is to talk to someone (either in person or on here) to help you understand your worth, and get through these tough times. Results for this cycle aren't even close to done, so there is always a chance. Keep your spirits up, and good luck. cashlesschemist and Oklash 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haohaohao Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 First, You did an incredible work in preparing for all applications. I submitted 9 applications, I really know how much you had to work on. Not many people can be that hard-working and persistent. You must understand, you are awesome about it. Second, when I read your post, I feel one thing -- your incredible courage. People with smooth life do not show that much courage, and you are truly amazing! You are disappointed but you still know what would be bad choices. I am very proud of you, sincerely. You still have 3 out of 10 applications to look forward to! I had no interviews from 7 out of 9 applications while others got the invitation, so somewhat I feel I fail 7 chances as well. Now I put all my hope on the other 2. Before the end of everything, you would never know what will happen, friend! I am very depressed recently. Trust me, I know how you feel. Most days, I just fake the confidence to even get up because I believe "Pretending to not be afraid is as good as actually not being afraid." And it truly works. Good luck, friend. Both you and I will be fine. Sending you a virtual hug. "hey, listen. Life may not get better. YOU get better." Oklash, Dark Chocolate Mocha and katieb93 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ling_Aud Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 I will be very brief. Not getting admitted to graduate school is a silly reason to wish for death. The academic job market is very bleak at the moment, particularly for humanities/social sciences PhDs. So maybe this is a silver lining for you. But if you are truly passionate about doing research and pursuing academia, supposing you still do not get in this year, why not ask the departments which areas of the application you can improve on, so that you can better your chances next time? Also, if you are applying for a PhD program time, why not apply for an MA next time? best wishes. Oklash and Dark Chocolate Mocha 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyedyedturtle91 Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 Oklash, I empathize so much with you. Please don't give up on yourself. Please don't even consider the thought of hurting yourself or worse. You deserve life! You deserve happiness. You can and will find your path. But I know that sounds so much easier than it is actually done. But please, listen to me: I have been where you are. A few years ago, I applied to graduate school and got rejected at 6/8 programs. This crushed me. None of my top schools seemed even remotely interested. I was rejected swiftly. One acceptance was to my safety school. One acceptance was to a good program, but no funding. I was living at home. I didn't have a source of income. I was in a very bad relationship, which was ending. I didn't think the amount of loans I would have to take out to go to school and minimally survive was a good choice. I just couldn't bear the thought, and I said no. This devastated me. I felt like such a fuck up. I spent hours and hundreds of dollars to apply to these schools. It felt like such a waste. My parents were pressuring me to move on. They didn't exactly see what this meant to me. I dreamed of going into academia. I really wanted to teach. And I felt like it would never happen for me. I felt like a crucial part of my identity was lost. They told me to get a job somewhere and move on. The only job I could find was at K-Mart. Meanwhile, my professors and advisors told me, "There's always next year. This happens. Just try again." Try again? As if this is easy? As if this is affordable? It's neither. This process can be soul-crushingly difficult. It depressed me. I spent months deeply, clinically depressed. Not many people understood what I was going through or had the bandwidth to relate to me and talk to me. I felt so alone. But, I chose to just adapt and to go on a totally different path. It was not easy. I changed career tracks. I didn't like it. I still don't. I struggled to find work outside of retail, but eventually did. It was meager, however. Finally, I met my then boyfriend (now husband). I began to learn that life is not linear. Life often does not make sense. The path is arduous and twisted and broken and frightening, but sometimes, there is method to its absolute madness. I would have never met my husband had this all worked out the way I had hoped. I also realized that your career does not have to be the only way you find fulfillment in life. There are ways to engage in your love and research interests outside of academia. Focus on finding those things. Focus on filling your life with people who you connect to and can confide in. You need support during this process. You need friends and love. And sometimes, that is the greatest fulfillment in life. Like you, I have a BA in English and philosophy. I felt really unemployable where I was living in the Midwest. But when I moved to a metro area, I suddenly found I was very employable, just not in anything I deeply care about, which has been okay temporarily. I have worked in an off-shoot of my field, and I have spent time building my resume with professional experience. I have saved up money to apply again to graduate school and fund some of my education, should I get in. I spent years preparing to try again. And, in that time, I focused mostly on healing myself--repairing the broken confidence, proving my commitment to myself, and polishing the skills I need. My time away from school and this process has honestly been so well spent, and I have hope it is paying off. My advice for your situation is to consider doing those things: take a year or two or three to build your resume; consider moving to a metropolitan area where there are more jobs, if you can afford it; stay committed to your field through independent study, research, and attempts at publication; research different programs, maybe try a completely different batch of schools; seek out professionals in your field to provide you constructive criticism on your applications; find friends and a support circle; find other hobbies and things that make you feel good; focus on your mental health by seeking medical attention, talking to a therapist or loved one, taking a break from this process, taking a vacation (or stay-cation), taking up a new hobby, trying new exercise, etc.; and finally give yourself a break. Listen to all of us in your shoes. We are all struggling. You are NOT alone! You are NOT a failure. You should not blame yourself so much or feel so worthless. It's just NOT fair to yourself. Give yourself some credit for all of the hard work and effort you have put in. Give yourself credit for taking a risk and trying again. Look at how far you've already come. You are GREAT. Please don't forget that! <3 MsJaFall2018, ormorteey, Sad Politics and 31 others 22 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haohaohao Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 I love the comment above this post... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
syn Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 There's still three to go. No harm in holding on to hope til you hear back. That said, if this is the second year and you are again rejected by every program (10+), that makes me very suspect of the strength of your letters. It could be that your letters aren't from the right kinds of programs, have the expertise the admissions group is looking for, aren't well written, or one or more say something disparaging about you. I've certainly heard of rumors where a letter writer you thought was going to give you a recommendation actually turns out to do the opposite. If you are summarily rejected again, I would suggest one or both of these two things: 1. find new programs to which to apply, and/or 2. find new letter writers. A third recommendation would be, in the interim, to work on building your resume, as a person above recommended. I graduated in 2006 with my Bachelors, immediately tried a couple completely boring Masters programs, stopped them, and then didn't go back until Fall 2016. Next year I'll be entering a PhD program. I have little doubt that, had I tried to do the same after my Bachelors, I wouldn't be where I am today. I'm not entirely happy with where I am, but it has allowed a means to the end that I do want. Again, as the person above said, life -- and not every path -- is linear. Keep your head up, regroup, and find new opportunities. You can continue working toward your end-goal while doing something less enthralling. It isn't fun, but sometimes it is necessary. Good luck! haohaohao 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuantumQualia Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 (edited) I applied to a dozen grad schools. I got into exactly one so far. Got rejected from half and haven't heard a peep from the others. Hopefully one school will come around for you. That's all you really need. You sound like a great person. There is always hope, don't give up! Wishing the best for you! Edited February 9, 2018 by QuantumQualia Dark Chocolate Mocha and haohaohao 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
felakuti Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 I'm there with you. This is my third time. Listen, your life is what you want. You have all the power. Remember that. Best of luck, this is not the end. haohaohao 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haohaohao Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 14 hours ago, syn said: There's still three to go. No harm in holding on to hope til you hear back. That said, if this is the second year and you are again rejected by every program (10+), that makes me very suspect of the strength of your letters. It could be that your letters aren't from the right kinds of programs, have the expertise the admissions group is looking for, aren't well written, or one or more say something disparaging about you. I've certainly heard of rumors where a letter writer you thought was going to give you a recommendation actually turns out to do the opposite. If you are summarily rejected again, I would suggest one or both of these two things: 1. find new programs to which to apply, and/or 2. find new letter writers. A third recommendation would be, in the interim, to work on building your resume, as a person above recommended. I graduated in 2006 with my Bachelors, immediately tried a couple completely boring Masters programs, stopped them, and then didn't go back until Fall 2016. Next year I'll be entering a PhD program. I have little doubt that, had I tried to do the same after my Bachelors, I wouldn't be where I am today. I'm not entirely happy with where I am, but it has allowed a means to the end that I do want. Again, as the person above said, life -- and not every path -- is linear. Keep your head up, regroup, and find new opportunities. You can continue working toward your end-goal while doing something less enthralling. It isn't fun, but sometimes it is necessary. Good luck! Awesome advice. I almost fail all applications so far, even though most of the programs showed strong interest in me before I applied and said in person that I could easily be their "top candidates". But in the end, I got not a single interview. I am highly suspicious about two of my recommendation letters...Otherwise, I really cannot explain why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShewantsthePhD101 Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 @Oklash, First, WOW! You absolutely blow me away. You have worked SO HARD. Way to go! Seriously. You have taken all the right steps and then some. Second, don't count yourself out. You've still got 3/10 left, and you only need 1! Third, you've gotta know, academia isn't the end-all be-all of existence. Even once someone gets in it is sososo difficult and discouraging. The job market in the humanities (which is what it seems you're geared towards based on your BAs , even for those with PhDs, is atrocious. And only something like 50% of people admitted to PhDs actually graduate. It is hard. It is exhausting. And it's ok to find something else to do with your life. If doors aren't opening, it's ok to walk on by instead of trying to beat them down. Fourth, there are also ways to get into research outside of academia. Depending on the kind of research you're interested in, some companies will pay to train people to be analysts. Perhaps try looking into opportunities like that. And no one is stopping you from reading things you're interested in, writing papers from home, and submitting them to journals or publishers as you wish! You can certainly be an academic outside of the formal structure of academia. Finally, I really urge you to seek some mental help. Suicidal ideation is something that needs to be taken seriously and handled by trained professionals. So many of us in academia deal with mental illness, you've gotta take it seriously and get some help. Don't make academia your god. She is ruthless, and fickle, and cares naught for those who worship her. Good luck with your last 3 apps, and feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. We are all sad and stressed. You are not alone. bubble_psych and emjayco 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheHessianHistorian Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 (edited) On 2/7/2018 at 4:29 PM, Oklash said: It’s getting really hard to keep going. I’ve spent a year and almost $2,000 crafting grad school applications and in the course of a week, I’ve already been rejected from 7 of the 10 schools I applied to. I’ve even been rejected from safe schools. I took GRE classes, paid writing consultants and put everything into my volunteer work and gap year. But it still wasn’t enough. I don’t know why I thought I could do this. I don’t know why I thought I was good enough. Whenever I tell someone this, the only comforting response is “there’s always next year,” but this is actually my 2nd year applying and this will probably be the 2nd time in a row I’ve been unanimously rejected. I don’t think I can do this again. I wouldn’t say I was suicidal because that would hurt my family too much. I’ve also tried twice and neither attempt worked, hence my delimma. But I truly have nothing to live for. All my friends have gone to start thier careers but I’m still working for no pay at my family’s restaurant and caring for my chronically ill mother. I have no internships, no job prospects and nothing to do with my history and English BAs. I couldn’t even get a job at Sprint mobile. I have ruined my own life and I can’t even get admitted into programs that will let me do the one thing I’m good at, which is to say that I’m probably not good at it all. I wanted a career in academia and research but I think it’s time I just give up on this dream. It’s been made clear that I suck too much to even take the first steps in realizing this dream. If I don’t get into grad school this year, I’ll probably just keep serving pasta and living with my parents forever while wishing that I could be hit by a bus, struck by meteors and devoured by crows and a stray cat. Ive never been this discouraged before. I don't really know the specifics of your situation, but here's my two cents. I limped through my first Bachelor's degree (at several different universities) from 2003-2009. I was young, reckless, and completely irresponsible. I dropped out in 2009, worked in the real world for several years, and then went back and finished the last handful of courses needed to earn my BA in 2015. Even though I earned A's in the final courses I took in 2015, my cumulative undergrad GPA was a pitiful 2.33. A decade ago, I thought my dream was to go into politics--either as a political consultant or as a political candidate myself. Working those several years in low-pay staffer jobs for political campaigns gave me the insight into the field that I needed in order to realize that politics was not the career for me. More importantly, it was during those interim years that my passion for genealogy and history blossomed. By the beginning of 2016, I had become confident that researching, writing, and teaching history was what I wanted more than anything. I finally had the maturity and sense of responsibility to get something out of an education (rather than just trudging through it as a teenager because I was expected to jump through a hoop). However, my GPA in my first BA was too awful to get accepted to ANY graduate program. With my goal of a graduate education in History, I went back to school to earn a second Bachelor's degree, this time in history, and I am on track to graduate magna cum laude. I was in my late 20s when I started this second undergrad degree, and I knew I would be 31 years old by the time I finished, but I knew this was a necessary step to get to my goal, so I forged ahead and did it. When I started researching graduate programs and preparing applications, I had no idea how admission committees would view my unusual academic history. So, I decided to both reach as far as I could AND hedge my bets. I applied to a spectrum of graduate programs (both Master's and PhD programs), at everything from very safe MA programs at state universities to the cream-of-the-crop PhD programs at Ivy League universities. I knew, given the 5%-10% acceptance rates in the top-tier grad programs, that I was bound to get a lot of rejections, and so far that is bearing out to be true. Even though my odds were slim, I viewed the process of applying to Ivy League PhD programs as an opportunity to get to know the programs, get a feel for which ones I might be the best fit for, and get to know some of the faculty in my field. It's looking like I am going to be ending up at a middle-tier Master's program at a state university next Fall, and that is fine. I am honored to get acceptances to graduate programs that have 30-60% acceptance rates. I know that if I squeeze everything I can out of the next 2 years, do the most ambitious MA thesis I can possibly do, and bust my butt learning foreign languages and developing my research/writing skills and befriending top professors, I will be much more competitive for those graduate programs with the 5-10% acceptance rates when 2020 rolls around. I will try my very best to get into a top-tier PhD program eventually, but I am viewing my progression toward this goal as a gradual stair step process. When I complete my MA in History at a middle-tier state school in 2020, I will re-apply to some of those top-tier PhD programs but I will also throw in some upper-tier Master's programs as well. If I have to do an MA in History at a middle-tier state school now, and then do a second MA in German or an MA in European Studies at a higher-tier school like Berkeley/Georgetown/NYU/Yale in 2020-2022, then so be it. That may finally be my ticket into a PhD program at a Princeton, Harvard, Chicago, etc. Just remember: It's okay to set your sights at the top of the mountain, but also give yourself some more reasonable footholds to latch onto just in case your footing slips on the way to the top. Even if you end up with 2 Bachelor's degrees and 2 Master's degrees before you get into that dream doctoral program, it will all be worth it in the end if that is the goal you truly want more than anything. Edited February 10, 2018 by TheHessianHistorian Dark Chocolate Mocha and kayaker85 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
menalta17 Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 (edited) 1. Holy hell. You and I have very similar stories and reactions to how our stories have been playing out. The first time I applied to PhD programs, I was f*ing suicidal. Nothing made sense. I couldn't sleep. I cried a lot. I couldn't be happy for the people around me because I was in so much pain and embarrassment. I wanted to just drop off the planet because NOTHING, NOTHING WAS WORKING OUT. Even the Peace Corps rejected me. Yea...WTF. It was a bad time. Point blank, a year later I'm in the same position of getting locked out, again. I don't see any hope and I've truly given up because why waste all this money on being told no. But, as soon as I accepted that this may not be my path, a lot of that pain has lifted. I put my all into getting a job (it took 5 months to find a job) and honestly, I like it. School stressed me out and I wake up now not dreading the amount of work I have to do. All I'm saying is, is from one person in a similar position to another, don't let rejection change your life for the worst. There is life outside of our hopes and inspirations and you never know, forcibly having to take a different direction may eventually take you somewhere you actually love or at least prepare you for the next steps. 2. This thread (if you haven't been on it yet) has been SUPER helpful to connect w/other ppl who are going through similar things! Please drop a line there as well and stay in contact with us! Edited February 10, 2018 by menalta17 Oklash 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oklash Posted February 15, 2018 Author Share Posted February 15, 2018 I really want to thank everyone for their kind comments. This process has been a very long and arduous one but this thread has really helped. Its actually given me strength to look into internships and I've started on a few applications for those as well. If I get into a program I will definitely update. But I feel a lot more hopeful about what will happen in the future Elephas, senorbrightside, menalta17 and 10 others 12 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyedyedturtle91 Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Happy to hear, Oklash. Please keep us posted. Wishing you lots of happiness and success! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katieb93 Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 I got rejected all around too. I feel you 100% right now. Its like being kicked in the teeth and I'm already depressed about my thesis so its like kicking someone who is already down. Im listening to "Anthem" from Superchick. "Heres to anyone who never quit when things got hard." Pick up the pieces of a shattered soul and take baby steps! Thats the best we can do! AnxiousNerd 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oklash Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 !!!! I was just accepted to a great MA program. They have a great renaissance lit program and I’m so excited! I’m sorry if i seemed a bit melodramatic before but this has honestly been such a long process. I initially applied to 6 MA programs and 4 PhD, each with lots of hope/consideration. I also have two more apps still pending but it feels so good to finally hear a yes! Especially one that’s funded. And from a phone call of all things. Thanks again everyone for being so supportive. I will probably seek professional help in the upcoming months and I really appreciate everyone here. SnowAngel3535, AnxiousNerd, senorbrightside and 7 others 6 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyedyedturtle91 Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 2 hours ago, Oklash said: !!!! I was just accepted to a great MA program. They have a great renaissance lit program and I’m so excited! I’m sorry if i seemed a bit melodramatic before but this has honestly been such a long process. I initially applied to 6 MA programs and 4 PhD, each with lots of hope/consideration. I also have two more apps still pending but it feels so good to finally hear a yes! Especially one that’s funded. And from a phone call of all things. Thanks again everyone for being so supportive. I will probably seek professional help in the upcoming months and I really appreciate everyone here. CONGRATS! I’m so happy for you!!! Oklash 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emjayco Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 4 hours ago, Oklash said: !!!! I was just accepted to a great MA program. They have a great renaissance lit program and I’m so excited! I’m sorry if i seemed a bit melodramatic before but this has honestly been such a long process. I initially applied to 6 MA programs and 4 PhD, each with lots of hope/consideration. I also have two more apps still pending but it feels so good to finally hear a yes! Especially one that’s funded. And from a phone call of all things. Thanks again everyone for being so supportive. I will probably seek professional help in the upcoming months and I really appreciate everyone here. Congratulations!! I also whole-heartedly support your decision to seek support during this transition too. While the application and rejection process is difficult, remember that transition and change, while positive, are also stressors and academics are stressful too. I really struggled through my MS and without a counselor and my support network I would not have made it through. So do what ever you can do to ensure you are safe and supported; that way you can revel in your success and not resent your time or potential 'misery' in this exciting new endeavor! Oklash 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vsgjf55795 Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Dude, maybe you aimed too high. I know a guy that is in Amsterdam right now and got rejections from every school he applied to in his first year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ling_Aud Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Congratulations!!! As they say, all's well that ends well. Oklash 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsJaFall2018 Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 19 hours ago, Oklash said: !!!! I was just accepted to a great MA program. They have a great renaissance lit program and I’m so excited! I’m sorry if i seemed a bit melodramatic before but this has honestly been such a long process. I initially applied to 6 MA programs and 4 PhD, each with lots of hope/consideration. I also have two more apps still pending but it feels so good to finally hear a yes! Especially one that’s funded. And from a phone call of all things. Thanks again everyone for being so supportive. I will probably seek professional help in the upcoming months and I really appreciate everyone here. You worked SO incredibly hard for this. I hope you celebrate and take the time to practice some self-gratitude for the courage and persistence it took to get to this point! Internet stranger, I am so proud of you. Even just participating in this truly grueling process is a testament to your strength. I wish you the best in all that you endeavor, and remember that we are all cheering you on <3 Oklash 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraVZ Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 On 8/2/2018 at 1:42 PM, Tyedyedturtle91 said: Oklash, I empathize so much with you. Please don't give up on yourself. Please don't even consider the thought of hurting yourself or worse. You deserve life! You deserve happiness. You can and will find your path. But I know that sounds so much easier than it is actually done. But please, listen to me: I have been where you are. A few years ago, I applied to graduate school and got rejected at 6/8 programs. This crushed me. None of my top schools seemed even remotely interested. I was rejected swiftly. One acceptance was to my safety school. One acceptance was to a good program, but no funding. I was living at home. I didn't have a source of income. I was in a very bad relationship, which was ending. I didn't think the amount of loans I would have to take out to go to school and minimally survive was a good choice. I just couldn't bear the thought, and I said no. This devastated me. I felt like such a fuck up. I spent hours and hundreds of dollars to apply to these schools. It felt like such a waste. My parents were pressuring me to move on. They didn't exactly see what this meant to me. I dreamed of going into academia. I really wanted to teach. And I felt like it would never happen for me. I felt like a crucial part of my identity was lost. They told me to get a job somewhere and move on. The only job I could find was at K-Mart. Meanwhile, my professors and advisors told me, "There's always next year. This happens. Just try again." Try again? As if this is easy? As if this is affordable? It's neither. This process can be soul-crushingly difficult. It depressed me. I spent months deeply, clinically depressed. Not many people understood what I was going through or had the bandwidth to relate to me and talk to me. I felt so alone. But, I chose to just adapt and to go on a totally different path. It was not easy. I changed career tracks. I didn't like it. I still don't. I struggled to find work outside of retail, but eventually did. It was meager, however. Finally, I met my then boyfriend (now husband). I began to learn that life is not linear. Life often does not make sense. The path is arduous and twisted and broken and frightening, but sometimes, there is method to its absolute madness. I would have never met my husband had this all worked out the way I had hoped. I also realized that your career does not have to be the only way you find fulfillment in life. There are ways to engage in your love and research interests outside of academia. Focus on finding those things. Focus on filling your life with people who you connect to and can confide in. You need support during this process. You need friends and love. And sometimes, that is the greatest fulfillment in life. Like you, I have a BA in English and philosophy. I felt really unemployable where I was living in the Midwest. But when I moved to a metro area, I suddenly found I was very employable, just not in anything I deeply care about, which has been okay temporarily. I have worked in an off-shoot of my field, and I have spent time building my resume with professional experience. I have saved up money to apply again to graduate school and fund some of my education, should I get in. I spent years preparing to try again. And, in that time, I focused mostly on healing myself--repairing the broken confidence, proving my commitment to myself, and polishing the skills I need. My time away from school and this process has honestly been so well spent, and I have hope it is paying off. My advice for your situation is to consider doing those things: take a year or two or three to build your resume; consider moving to a metropolitan area where there are more jobs, if you can afford it; stay committed to your field through independent study, research, and attempts at publication; research different programs, maybe try a completely different batch of schools; seek out professionals in your field to provide you constructive criticism on your applications; find friends and a support circle; find other hobbies and things that make you feel good; focus on your mental health by seeking medical attention, talking to a therapist or loved one, taking a break from this process, taking a vacation (or stay-cation), taking up a new hobby, trying new exercise, etc.; and finally give yourself a break. Listen to all of us in your shoes. We are all struggling. You are NOT alone! You are NOT a failure. You should not blame yourself so much or feel so worthless. It's just NOT fair to yourself. Give yourself some credit for all of the hard work and effort you have put in. Give yourself credit for taking a risk and trying again. Look at how far you've already come. You are GREAT. Please don't forget that! <3 This is what I needed tonight. Thank you for writing this. Tyedyedturtle91 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraVZ Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 On 21/2/2018 at 6:17 PM, Oklash said: !!!! I was just accepted to a great MA program. They have a great renaissance lit program and I’m so excited! I’m sorry if i seemed a bit melodramatic before but this has honestly been such a long process. I initially applied to 6 MA programs and 4 PhD, each with lots of hope/consideration. I also have two more apps still pending but it feels so good to finally hear a yes! Especially one that’s funded. And from a phone call of all things. Thanks again everyone for being so supportive. I will probably seek professional help in the upcoming months and I really appreciate everyone here. !!!! Congratulations Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S-Kyo Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 On 22.02.2018 at 2:17 AM, Oklash said: !!!! I was just accepted to a great MA program. They have a great renaissance lit program and I’m so excited! I’m sorry if i seemed a bit melodramatic before but this has honestly been such a long process. I initially applied to 6 MA programs and 4 PhD, each with lots of hope/consideration. I also have two more apps still pending but it feels so good to finally hear a yes! Especially one that’s funded. And from a phone call of all things. Thanks again everyone for being so supportive. I will probably seek professional help in the upcoming months and I really appreciate everyone here. Congratulations! Never lose hope. I am really happy that you got in. Wish luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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