Finding a husband in graduate school.

[LittleDarlings]

Ok not all undergrads are early 20s, if I was teaching someone (which I wouldn't ever do because I have no interest in doing it) I obviously wouldn't try to date them but as a grad student if I met a nice undergrad I would. I don't see a problem as long as I'm not teaching. I knew some undergrads in my classes who were in their late 20s, 30s and up... Hell there was a 50 year old in one of my UG classes. So if I get to whatever school I am going to and see a nice guy who is an undergrad and wants to get to know me no matter what age I'm going for it!

[VioletAyame]

It's like a train wreck.... I can't turn my eyes away from it all.

Exactly. Why is this thread still alive? More importantly, why am I still reading this?

 

Still, 2 last things to OP:

 

2nd: When I first got into OSU I was like "ok not gonna worry about getting a bf because I will be moving soon. Now that I have other options I am worried again. If I get funding from this other school it would be smarter for me to go there but it's so close to where I live now that I would be in the same place and I've done a lot of dating in this area and it's been a fail lol so that makes me worry a little. I can't do sports so I just don't know what kind of group I would join. I did a board game group but it was just weird kind of (like the people). Where I live is weird there's nothing around so most meet up groups are far. I could try again. My friends... Am I happy that they are happy? I mean I don't care a ton, I know that sounds mean and it's great for them but if doesn't benefit me at all. It's great they are happy but I want to be happy too.

It's worth saying again: you're a horrible friend. I would never be friend with someone who blatantly says that they don't care if I'm happy and as long as it doesn't benefit him/her, he/she doesn't give a damn. That's just awful. I wonder what you feel regarding your family. Maybe try to be a better friend, then you can discover how much a good friendship can make you happy as well. Instead of thinking of it as "their" happiness which does not benefit you, learn to be happy for them so you can have more happiness in your life and experience the times when they feel happy for you. It's really a pretty great feeling being happy and excited for the ones you love. And thinking about them, whether in happiness or sorrow, can take your mind off your problems and do wonders to your perspective in life. True friendship and empathy are invaluable. My best friend has been a rock to me with this whole moving and starting grad school thing.

 

Also, don't judge people so quickly. I know some people are good at reading people, but I'm not so to me first impressions don't mean anything. I mean two of my closest friends right now I wasn't keen on when we first met, and they probably weren't keen on me as well. You may as well be one of those with good people skills, but it seems likely given that in the last 3 pages you said you've been turned off by a date, a Meetup group and a game group. That's quite a lot of people. Sometimes you need to give people, and yourself, a second chance to interact, get to know each other and then decide. And even if you're not crazy about them, know that they are unique individuals who are most likely just different than you, not "weird kind" or "social outcasts". Be kind and patient. Stop going if you don't want to but don't look down on them.

 

Well first of all there is WAY more to that response that you wouldn't know. It was directed to that specific person and I'm sure they know why. Secondly you don't think that going out of your way to pull up this thread in your class for a laugh is trying to bring someone down? Ok well that's your opinion, I disagree but that's me. I get eat ever one is saying. I don't think everyone gets what I am saying. I'm sorry if you think it's funny or I'm trolling but I'm not and I am not going to go out of my way to prove that to you. If you don't like the thread then there are a million others on this website, I'm sure you can find something more interesting.

Quote the person you're talking to, problem solved. If you're willing to say anything, say it directly to him/her.

Edited February 21, 2014 by VioletAyame

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Quote the person you're talking to, problem solved. If you're willing to say anything, say it directly to him/her.

It's not like she has a PhD in computer science. 

[LittleDarlings]

Exactly. Why is this thread still alive? More importantly, why am I still reading this?

Still, 2 last things to OP:

It's worth saying again: you're a horrible friend. I would never be friend with someone who blatantly says that they don't care if I'm happy and as long as it doesn't benefit him/her, he/she doesn't give a damn. That's just awful. Maybe try to be a better friend, then you can discover how much a good friendship can make you happy as well. Instead of thinking of it as "their" happiness which does not benefit you, learn to be happy for them so you can have more happiness in your life and experience the times when they feel happy for you. True friendship and empathy are invaluable. My best friend has been a rock to me with this whole moving and starting grad school thing.

Also, don't judge people so quickly. I know some people are good at reading people, but I'm not so to me first impressions don't mean anything. I mean two of my closest friends right now I wasn't keen on when we first met, and they probably weren't keen on me as well. You may as well be one of those with good people skills, but it seems likely given that in the last 3 pages you said you've been turned off by a date, a Meetup group and a game group. That's quite a lot of people. Sometimes you need to give people, and yourself, a second chance to interact, get to know each other and then decide. And even if you're not crazy about them, know that they are unique individuals who are most likely just different than you, not "weird kind" or "social outcasts". Be kind and patient. Stop going if you don't want to but don't look down on them.

Quote the person you're talking to, problem solved. If you're willing to say anything, say it directly to him/her.

Ok well to your first point, I know I'm not the best friend right now and I admit that. If my friends were actually doing things I cared about (or I wasn't jealous of) I would be totally fine. If my friends were going to grad school I would be so supportive and happy for them and helpful, if they were getting good jobs/careers I would be happy for them, but no I'm not happy for them to get relationships or pregnant by God knows who... No sorry not supporting that. I can't. Emotionally I can't I just don't want to be involved or talk about it or deal with it. Their relationships aren't helping me get into one.

Anyways I probably should give that guy another chance.. Guess I better wait until pay day, since I will obviously be footing the bill. The Meetup group. I probably won't go back to BUT I will be more kind in my description of them.

As far as the quote, I did it the way I wanted. The additional part was an add on and I couldn't quote them (if there's a way please explain) I don't need to be told how I should and shouldn't respond thanks though. I have NO problem saying whatever I want to whoever I want when I want. That's pretty obvious.

Edited February 21, 2014 by CorruptedInnocence

[skgarcia]

If my friends were actually doing things I cared about (or I wasn't jealous of) I would be totally fine. If my friends were going to grad school I would be so supportive and happy for them and helpful, if they were getting good jobs/careers I would be happy for them, but no I'm not happy for them to get relationships or pregnant by God knows who... No sorry not supporting that. I can't. Emotionally I can't I just don't want to be involved or talk about it or deal with it. Their relationships aren't helping me get into one.

 

 

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but sometimes friendship isn't always about being around when they're doing things you're interested in or even approve of.  My best friend has been in and out rehab and off/on drugs a majority of our friendship.  When she relapses, I'm there for her.  When she is clean and sober, I cherish those months with her and praise her every step of the way.  She's a "super senior" in undergrad and struggles to attend class, much less do the work or make very good grades.  Grad school is out of the question with this friend.  But I love her regardless, I value her as a person, and I cannot imagine my life without her in it.  We laugh until we cry, share an incredible dancing hobby together, and she is my rock when I need her as well.  The best friendships and relationships are give and take.  I think someone else said this as well, it may have been what you quoted for the above response, but find yourself a truly valuable friendship and you will suddenly find much more joy out of life.  I promise.

[AwesomeBird]

 

 

 

 

 

 

WERD.

[FreeRadical]

It's like a train wreck.... I can't turn my eyes away from it all.

 

Yeah, this is the most articulate flame war I've ever seen. Grad Cafe is so weird.

[bsharpe269]

Meeting your spouse can happen any number of ways, in ways that you would never expect.

 

I am engaged and met my fiance while running an errand. We had a short (maybe 5 min?) conversation and have been inseperable since. My point is that as long as you are in situations where you are having at least 5 min conversations with new people, then you should be able to find a SO.

 

Also, in my experience, if you have to question whether you want a second date with him then you probably wont end up too serious. I knew after our first date that I would marry my fiance. I dont necesarily believe in "the one" or love at first site but when you meet someone that you are that compatible with then you dont have to question it.

Edited February 28, 2014 by bsharpe269

[LittleDarlings]

Meeting your spouse can happen any number of ways, in ways that you would never expect.

I am engaged and met my fiance while running an errand. We had a short (maybe 5 min?) conversation and have been inseperable since. My point is that as long as you are in situations where you are having at least 5 min conversations with new people, then you should be able to find a SO.

Also, in my experience, if you have to question whether you want a second date with him then you probably wont end up too serious. I knew after our first date that I would marry my fiance. I dont necesarily believe in "the one" or love at first site but when you meet someone that you are that compatible with then you dont have to question it.

I mean I work so no I'm not out having a ton of convos with random people and unfortunately I work with a ton of girls and taken men. So again how am I supposed to meet someone? It isn't happening at work.... I mean I know I won't be forever at this job but I would like to find someone to be with sooner rather than later. I don't believe in "the one" I think you have have a ton of people you're compatible enough with to marry. Nor do I believe in love at first sight, happened to me, didn't work and so as far as I'm concerned it is total BS. It's ok people who get married before 25 have a higher divorce rate anyways... Obviously I'm not the most bitter person alive at all haha. Edited February 28, 2014 by CorruptedInnocence

[bsharpe269]

I mean I work so no I'm not out having a ton of convos with random people and unfortunately I work with a ton of girls and taken men. So again how am I supposed to meet someone? It isn't happening at work.... I mean I know I won't be forever at this job but I would like to find someone to be with sooner rather than later. I don't believe in "the one" I think you have have a ton of people you're compatible enough with to marry. Nor do I believe in love at first sight, happened to me, didn't work and so as far as I'm concerned it is total BS. It's ok people who get married before 25 have a higher divorce rate anyways... Obviously I'm not the most bitter person alive at all haha.

 

I'm in grad school so im not out having tons if convos with random people either. You still have to grocery shop, get gas, go the bank occasionally though. Thats how it happened for me anyway!

[AwesomeBird]

match.com

 

 

 

BOOM.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I'm officially retiring from this thread. It's going nowhere.

[LittleDarlings]

match.com

 

 

 

BOOM.

I will be trying match and eharmony when I start school in the Fall. My parents offered to pay because they hate hearing me complain about being single and being sad all the time lol

[LittleDarlings]

I'm in grad school so im not out having tons if convos with random people either. You still have to grocery shop, get gas, go the bank occasionally though. Thats how it happened for me anyway!

I never have to go inside to the bank, grocery shopping I guess I could see but I mean who am I really going to meet at the local Walmart? I have been going to Walmart for years and met no one so I won't hold my breath on it, get gas...? I mean maybe I actually do know this couple who met at the gas station... Yeah but they are pretty.. Mmm no comment so yeah. The point is I don't go places where I would meet someone to date. Who is going to stop me to talk at the gas station or Walmart? Been there, done that, none stopped me.

Anyways going out with a new guy tonight I met on Tinder, maybe this one will work out:) and I'm almost 100% sure he's paying for the date since he suggested the place and seems like he has a decent job. This one seems promising.

Edited February 28, 2014 by CorruptedInnocence

[FestivusMiracle]

It seems like every time you make a post you are going on another date...is it just me, or is your problem not so much the 'meeting guys' part, but the 'keeping guys and having a long term relationship' part?   If I went on as many dates as you I'd have been married 2 or 3 times by now.  

[LittleDarlings]

It seems like every time you make a post you are going on another date...is it just me, or is your problem not so much the 'meeting guys' part, but the 'keeping guys and having a long term relationship' part?   If I went on as many dates as you I'd have been married 2 or 3 times by now.

Umm no actually. If you went out with the guys I have gone out with you would be in the exact same position as I am. I online date, I'm pretty (not being vain I just her it enough to believe it) so of course a lot of guys want to go out with me, if they aren't what I'm looking off I don't go out with them again. I want what I want. Problem tonight was that he couldn't make conversation and he was soooooo boring like honestly. I don't know if I was just extremely tired from working today or if he was just genuinely boring. Either way not going out with him again. He was also not tall and he was really thin which I don't like. I like buff and tall. Like I said I want what I want. I don't have a problem keeping a relationship because I wasn't the one who ended my relationships in the past. It was beyond my control.

[FestivusMiracle]

Umm no actually. If you went out with the guys I have gone out with you would be in the exact same position as I am. I online date, I'm pretty (not being vain I just her it enough to believe it) so of course a lot of guys want to go out with me, if they aren't what I'm looking off I don't go out with them again. I want what I want. Problem tonight was that he couldn't make conversation and he was soooooo boring like honestly. I don't know if I was just extremely tired from working today or if he was just genuinely boring. Either way not going out with him again. He was also not tall and he was really thin which I don't like. I like buff and tall. Like I said I want what I want. I don't have a problem keeping a relationship because I wasn't the one who ended my relationships in the past. It was beyond my control.

 

 

Wait...can you repeat those last two sentences for me?  I don't want to get all Dr. Phil on you, but...beyond your control?

[starofdawn]

Wait...can you repeat those last two sentences for me? I don't want to get all Dr. Phil on you, but...beyond your control?

Save your energy, she's a lost cause.

[LittleDarlings]

Wait...can you repeat those last two sentences for me? I don't want to get all Dr. Phil on you, but...beyond your control?

They ended it, not me. Believe me I did everything to avoid that outcome. I mean everything, it was actually really really sad when it did end. I had my first panic attack like full on panic attack it was so weird. So do you think I actually WANTED my relationship to end, the absolute most important thing to me ending? Definitely didn't. Unfortunately I couldn't make him stay. He wanted to go to school and move a few hours away to live with his dad... Stupidest thing I have ever heard. Stupid me though because before we became official he told me that could happen but he said if it did we would figure it out, then he said he was going to extend his active duty so he could stay in the area for another year, then his dad told him about some agriculture job that paid really well but was far away. That's what I get for dating a 20 year old who of course didn't know what he wanted but I thought as a marine he would somewhat have his shit together.

I will say though after last nights date and the one before where I had to pay and even the ones before that led to nothing or were awkward, I have considered not going on anymore dates for a while but I just can't NOT date. It's like wasting time in my life where I could be meeting someone. I would have to delete my dating sites and apps and then what will I be doing? Working, eating, sleeping and that sounds terrible and I really won't meet any men doing that.

Edited March 1, 2014 by CorruptedInnocence

[LittleDarlings]

Save your energy, she's a lost cause.

Lol yet you keep coming back and replying :/

[DeafAudi]

Anyways going out with a new guy tonight I met on Tinder, maybe this one will work out:) and I'm almost 100% sure he's paying for the date since he suggested the place and seems like he has a decent job. This one seems promising.

 

....um, what? Why do you expect him to pay for your date just because he's a man? You do realize that way of thinking is archaic and outdated, right?

[LittleDarlings]

....um, what? Why do you expect him to pay for your date just because he's a man? You do realize that way of thinking is archaic and outdated, right?

I just think it is traditional, he asked me out. I mean if I wanted to pay for myself I could have went by myself. I'm not saying I always expect the man to pay all the time. When I went out with my ex for the first time he paid for dinner I paid for the movie (he didn't want me to but I felt it was right) after we dated we split meals most of the time. I just think on a first date the guy should pay. It's manly and traditional.

[DeafAudi]

OK, that makes more sense. I agree that the person who does the asking should do the paying, at least for the first time. 

[FestivusMiracle]

They ended it, not me. Believe me I did everything to avoid that outcome. I mean everything, it was actually really really sad when it did end. I had my first panic attack like full on panic attack it was so weird. So do you think I actually WANTED my relationship to end, the absolute most important thing to me ending? Definitely didn't. Unfortunately I couldn't make him stay. He wanted to go to school and move a few hours away to live with his dad... Stupidest thing I have ever heard. Stupid me though because before we became official he told me that could happen but he said if it did we would figure it out, then he said he was going to extend his active duty so he could stay in the area for another year, then his dad told him about some agriculture job that paid really well but was far away. That's what I get for dating a 20 year old who of course didn't know what he wanted but I thought as a marine he would somewhat have his shit together.

I will say though after last nights date and the one before where I had to pay and even the ones before that led to nothing or were awkward, I have considered not going on anymore dates for a while but I just can't NOT date. It's like wasting time in my life where I could be meeting someone. I would have to delete my dating sites and apps and then what will I be doing? Working, eating, sleeping and that sounds terrible and I really won't meet any men doing that.

 

 

I wouldn't take what people say at face value, especially when they are breaking up with you or signaling that they just aren't that interested in you.  I mean, if somebody is into you, they'll find a way to make it work.  

 

With that said, maybe you two just weren't compatible, and that'll happen, more often than not.  BUT, maybe that wasn't the case and YOU scared the dude away.  I'm not saying you did, but it's definitely a possibility.  Maybe it's something minor but easily correctable, like talking too much about your ex or being overly negative.  Who knows...all I'm saying is that maybe you need to evaluate yourself and the things you do that may be scaring people away, instead of blaming it on not meeting enough dudes.  The fact that you clearly go on a shit ton of dates and yet fail to ever make a connection makes me think you are either way too picky or you are doing something that is scaring dudes away.  

[LittleDarlings]

I wouldn't take what people say at face value, especially when they are breaking up with you or signaling that they just aren't that interested in you.  I mean, if somebody is into you, they'll find a way to make it work.  

 

With that said, maybe you two just weren't compatible, and that'll happen, more often than not.  BUT, maybe that wasn't the case and YOU scared the dude away.  I'm not saying you did, but it's definitely a possibility.  Maybe it's something minor but easily correctable, like talking too much about your ex or being overly negative.  Who knows...all I'm saying is that maybe you need to evaluate yourself and the things you do that may be scaring people away, instead of blaming it on not meeting enough dudes.  The fact that you clearly go on a shit ton of dates and yet fail to ever make a connection makes me think you are either way too picky or you are doing something that is scaring dudes away.

That could be possible but I don't mention wanting kids and a family to men I go out with. My ex and I really only talked about that a few times and each time he was saying "if I got you pregnant I wouldn't want you to get rid of it but being a aren't right now would suck". Which I agreed with, even though secretly I think being a parent right now would be AWESOME! It was odd though he would make jokes or comment about our babies but when he ended it, actually suggested we take a break which I wasn't into, he said "I am not ready to get married, when you date someone they are either the person you marry or you break up". He was weird about marriage but I honestly was never the one bringing it up, he said he didn't want to get married or have kids until his 30s... He was 20, 10 years is way longer than I will wait for marriage and kids, I never said that to him though. I am not trying to skate around my responsibility in the break up, maybe I did something, maybe we weren't compatible, I admit I had major insecure moments with him but he knew and we talked about it and he would get pissed but he got over it. I just feel like one day he and I were fine and happy and he missed me and couldn't wait to see me, then the next he was suggesting a break. I do go on a lot of dates but they spring from online dating or tinder and I just feel like you have less of a chance of compatibility using that method. Specifically tinder, the 2 guys I have gone out with from there I literally pretty much knew nothing about besides their names. They just went what I expected, well the one Friday. Maybe I am a little picky but I want someone attractive who I will want to be with and go out with and have cute Facebook pics with and not someone my friends would be like "oh that's your boyfriend? Hmm". I believe in couples having matching attractive levels. It is dumb but I just hate seeing a guy who is a 10 with a girl that's a 2, unbalanced is not ok.

Yesterday my therapist suggested I reevaluate myself and I can and will but at the same time there are people in relationships who are way more mentally screwed than I am, so there is still no reason for me to not be in a relationship.