WINE, WAIT, AND WHINE THREAD

[FoxAndChicken]

2 minutes ago, Neist said:

I've gotten a bit off comments from family members that I'm going to be in school forever and there's no point to my education. I've also gotten comments akin to what you've described. I've largely tried to ignore them. None of my family has college experience so it's difficult for them to see the value in what I'm trying to do.

My wife is on my side, and ultimately that's all I really need.

Omg. So many comments from my mom about my "Professional student plan" because getting a Ph.D. is SO like my cousin taking 5 years to get an associates degree. Also, when I first told her that I was applying for Ph.D. programs she told me that's what I think I want, but I have changed my mind before. 

One of my friends said it's a bit like her experience with coming out as gay. You do what you're going to do, and at some point they are the ones who look ridiculous for saying it's just a phase. 

[Lexie16]

1 hour ago, gingin6789 said:

Hey all *curls up in the thread and settles in*

Got 2 acceptances yesterday which was great, but I learned just how much someone resents me for even applying to these programs. And they said some very mean and hurtful things about me like how I'll *for sure* choose a program without letting my husband know, leaving him behind and destroying our marriage. It was a punch to the gut. This person said they loved me, and now they peg me as some she-demon who would leave her husband behind? 

The important thing is that, while the person who said this means a lot to me, my mom, my husband, and my siblings are all on my side, and they're the ones who are most important. 

So, this person turned my happy champagne into sad champagne last night. Ugh. 

 

Anyone else experience something like this? 

Gingin, how awful. I haven't experienced something exactly the same, but when I got an acceptance a friend told me flat out that if they meant anything to me, I wouldn't go.

In this situation, I think all we can remember is that this isn't a reflection of us personally, but rather a demonstration of the other person's maturity and what they perceive as their own shortcomings. That's not to say it doesn't hurt, because it does. I would suggest after a bit of time, if you feel comfortable enough with this person, you bring it up that it was hurtful and you would like an apology. Perhaps it will start a conversation that will be good to have. It also sounds like this person might be using your husband as a placeholder, when this person is the one that feels like they are being deserted. They might want you to succeed and they might love you, but this could be coming from a selfish place in that you're *so* great they worry what will happen to your relationship if you leave. They don't want your relationship to change, and they see graduate school as the catalyst for a lot of big changes that affect them.

I do want to impress, though, emotional manipulation is never ok, and when you're ready I think you should make that clear to this person. At the very least, if this person reiterates what they said before, you know a bit more about them before making this decision. If you both can talk about this and move on, then I hope it only makes your relationship stronger. When this should be about you, they're making it about them and trying to guilt you into making them feel better. Best of luck. This most definitely would have put a damper on your day yesterday

I think you rock for getting your acceptances!!! Congratulations

Edited February 10, 2016 by Lexie16

[Neist]

1 minute ago, FoxAndChicken said:

Omg. So many comments from my mom about my "Professional student plan" because getting a Ph.D. is SO like my cousin taking 5 years to get an associates degree. Also, when I first told her that I was applying for Ph.D. programs she told me that's what I think I want, but I have changed my mind before. 

One of my friends said it's a bit like her experience with coming out as gay. You do what you're going to do, and at some point they are the ones who look ridiculous for saying it's just a phase. 

I've tried to tell them that getting into a good graduate program is about as life-changing as winning the lottery. It really is a big deal.

Besides, if graduate programs are going to pay you to go to school, waive your tuition, and give you a PhD for the effort, why wouldn't people apply? It's a lot of hard work, sure, but life is a lot of hard work. I might as well get something out of it!

[nevermind]

16 minutes ago, Neist said:

I've gotten a bit off comments from family members that I'm going to be in school forever and there's no point to my education. I've also gotten comments akin to what you've described. I've largely tried to ignore them. None of my family has college experience so it's difficult for them to see the value in what I'm trying to do.

My wife is on my side, and ultimately that's all I really need.

Same here. I'm the first person in my family to go to college...and then grad school....and then grad school again...and most of my family members don't really understand what I'm doing. Everybody says to me how much I "love school" (which is true), but they say it with an incredibly pejorative tone, like I can't be successful doing anything else. It's also, "oh so what are you going back to school for NOW?" like I'm just on this academic treadmill, racking up degrees with no life goal or plan.

I don't really expect people who aren't excited by the prospect of academia to get it. I just ask that people don't disparage me from doing what I enjoy. 

 

 

[FoxAndChicken]

Just now, nevermind said:

Same here. I'm the first person in my family to go to college...and then grad school....and then grad school again...and most of my family members don't really understand what I'm doing. Everybody says to me how much I "love school" (which is true), but they say it with an incredibly pejorative tone, like I can't be successful doing anything else. It's also, "oh so what are you going back to school for NOW?" like I'm just on this academic treadmill, racking up degrees with no life goal or plan.

I don't really expect people who aren't excited by the prospect of academia to get it. I just ask that people don't disparage me from doing what I enjoy. 

 

 

This is exactly my experience. Like, my mom didn't complete high school, but is convinced that "those who can't do teach" applies to going into academia. 

[Katastrophe]

Slight tangent, but is anyone experiencing the feeling where you've heard from some/most of the places you applied but you really wish the last few would say something? I am expecting many of the last holdouts are rejections, but it sure would be nice to just know for sure!

 

 

[nevermind]

4 minutes ago, Katastrophe said:

Slight tangent, but is anyone experiencing the feeling where you've heard from some/most of the places you applied but you really wish the last few would say something? I am expecting many of the last holdouts are rejections, but it sure would be nice to just know for sure!

 

 

bahahahaha. Nope, just the opposite. How about anybody contacting me about anything?!  

[bugabooo]

27 minutes ago, FoxAndChicken said:

This is exactly my experience. Like, my mom didn't complete high school, but is convinced that "those who can't do teach" applies to going into academia. 

I just have to chime in on this conversation because it resonates so much. My manager is constantly making mean comments to me AND behind my back about how college is useless, a waste of money, and how I'm going to just end up in some entry level job anyway. As you can guess, she has an associates that is irrelevant to her current job and is unlikely to ever rise a over her current position. Most of my coworkers try to support me, but it isn't easy to stand up to someone who can fire you. I don't blame them at all. 

Another issue is that when I tell people I'll be going to grad school soon, I get something akin to "so you and your long term boyfriend are breaking up?" Um, no? Why would grad school = end of relationship? Why is that their first comment so often? And anyway, why would that be any of anyone's business?? (And don't even get me started on people saying I'll be in debt forever.)

My parents and boyfriend try really hard to support me, though they usually don't quite know how to do that. I'm so grateful for them, and I know that a lot of us aren't so lucky. I try my best to focus on their love and support, but when so many others take it upon themselves to degrade my chosen path or even my very intelligence, it can be difficult to tune them out. 

[Neist]

17 minutes ago, nevermind said:

bahahahaha. Nope, just the opposite. How about anybody contacting me about anything?!  

I agree!

I'd go for any contact at this point. I've already begun considering applications for next round if nothing overly attractive falls onto my lap this go.

[FoxAndChicken]

Just now, bugabooo said:

Another issue is that when I tell people I'll be going to grad school soon, I get something akin to "so you and your long term boyfriend are breaking up?" Um, no? Why would grad school = end of relationship? Why is that their first comment so often? And anyway, why would that be any of anyone's business?? (And don't even get me started on people saying I'll be in debt forever.)

I wonder if men get asked this a lot, too. 

[nightfarmer]

40 minutes ago, Neist said:

Hey, if you like it, than more power to you.  I completely admit I might be unique. I just want to get paid to bury myself in a couple hundred books and produce some decent scholarship. I'm trying to minimize everything that would inhibit that.

I think I opened a whole can of worms here... sorry. I really didn't mean to come off as unfriendly or act like what you're asking was ridiculous or anything. (I'm really bad at conveying tone on electronic mediums) If I were a professor on the receiving end, I would never be annoyed by emails with CV updates or timeline questions.

I personally find it helpful, when I'm in your position asking "should I email them," to have someone remind me that, while some things could go in a "couldn't hurt" column, I should do some thinking about whether it might instead go in the "couldn't help" column. Not the easiest advice to stomach, I know. But I use this forum as the therapy for not emailing admissions committees once a week.

I think it's also a good attitude and approach to just want to do your work and not get hung up on your advisers. I've done an MA already, so I've seen lots of grad students with crabby advisers. The students who stay sane basically accept those people for who they are and just focus on their work. The ones who go crazy obsess over the lack of hand-holding and constantly get angry about a situation they can't change.

[sjoh197]

6 minutes ago, FoxAndChicken said:

I wonder if men get asked this a lot, too. 

Don't you know that women are obligated to pick up their lives and move with their man always regardless of what they are doing. Jeez.

Edited February 10, 2016 by sjoh197

[Neist]

1 minute ago, nightfarmer said:

I think I opened a whole can of worms here... sorry. I really didn't mean to come off as unfriendly or act like what you're asking was ridiculous or anything. (I'm really bad at conveying tone on electronic mediums) If I were a professor on the receiving end, I would never be annoyed by emails with CV updates or timeline questions.

I personally find it helpful, when I'm in your position asking "should I email them," to have someone remind me that, while some things could go in a "couldn't hurt" column, I should do some thinking about whether it might instead go in the "couldn't help" column. Not the easiest advice to stomach, I know. But I use this forum as the therapy for not emailing admissions committees once a week.

I think it's also a good attitude and approach to just want to do your work and not get hung up on your advisers. I've done an MA already, so I've seen lots of grad students with crabby advisers. The students who stay sane basically accept those people for who they are and just focus on their work. The ones who go crazy obsess over the lack of hand-holding and constantly get angry about a situation they can't change.

Oh, not at all! We're just have a friendly tit for tat, but I share your lack of being able to convey accurately tone over text. I tried twitter for a while. Didn't end well for me. Always got misunderstood. 

It's also good to hear about the lack of hand holding. That's exactly what I want. Some of the best experiences I've had so far were independent studies where I was more or less left to my own devices. I would burn through a giant pile of work and check in every few weeks. 

[nightfarmer]

2 minutes ago, sjoh197 said:

Don't you know that women are obligated to pick up their lives and move with their man always regardless of what they are doing. Jeez.

Actually I'm a man and this is literally my situation right now.

[sjoh197]

Just now, nightfarmer said:

Actually I'm a man and this is literally my situation right now.

haha... I was just being really sarcastic about societal views. I actually moved somewhere that I hate because my partner (a man) got a wonderful job there. I would follow him to the ends of the earth.

[The Interdisciplinarian]

2 hours ago, gingin6789 said:

 

Anyone else experience something like this? 

Ugh, @gingin6789, I'm sorry this is happening. I'm not experiencing this from outside of my family, unfortunately, but inside it, and several close family members are WTF-ing about what I'm doing. It all comes down to practicality and money. Right now, I have a good paying job that's unstable and killing my soul, and I've been in it for a decade now. I need to pursue the PhD in order to move forward with my career, and if that means taking a big pay-cut for a while and drastically changing my personal budget and priorities, I'm all for it. Everyone else very close to me would be delighted if I don't get in, because then it means I'll stick with the job for at least another year. This is seriously how they are reacting.

Conversely, my colleagues in academia (the few who know what I'm doing) are all like, "Go for it! Yes, you are right, there is no way to further your career without that final student-y step." So I feel acutely that if I DO get accepted, I need to film one of them confirming this and show it to all the naysayers in my life.

[iloveOM]

1 hour ago, nevermind said:

I agree that a graduate student conference isn't a "big deal" and certainly not on par with national conferences for one's discipline, publishing in top-tier journals, or other impressive things other candidates have. However, if a program is going to ding me by trying to better myself / improve professionally (in this case, getting feedback on a paper that I'd eventually like to present to a national conference and possibly publish), that's their choice and I probably wouldn't want to attend an environment that "eyerolls" at minor achievements. I've been out of graduate school for 3 years (working professionally) and saw this as a chance to get "back into the game" so to speak. 

FWIW, I emailed the graduate coordinators with the update (not DGS or POI), as I assume they know whether or not adcoms have met/made decisions. I simply stated that I had an update to my application but understand that it's so late in the cycle that it might not matter but that I wanted to err on the side of caution knowing I've provided the most comprehensive information (to date) for the committee. I feel like that's a reasonable request and not a "desperate" move. 

All big achievements start from small ones Good luck with your application.

[nevermind]

2 minutes ago, iloveOM said:

All big achievements start from small ones Good luck with your application.

Thanks! You too!

PostScript: Everybody who has emailed me back about my "application update" has been incredibly friendly. I can't imagine it would move the needle that much in favor / reject of my other credentials. However, I just want to know that I've tried my best.

Edited February 10, 2016 by nevermind

[Cat_Robutt]

7 hours ago, adrienned said:

I've been accepted to Cultural Studies PhD at Claremont Graduate University! I submitted on January 31st. Found out informally yesterday. 

 

Congratulations!!! If you're not from around the area, PM me for neat Los Angeles/Pasadena/SoCally suggestions if you'd like  You'll def need those sunglasses, though; it's been in the high 80s this week!

[Cat_Robutt]

1 hour ago, The Interdisciplinarian said:

Ugh, @gingin6789, I'm sorry this is happening. I'm not experiencing this from outside of my family, unfortunately, but inside it, and several close family members are WTF-ing about what I'm doing. It all comes down to practicality and money. Right now, I have a good paying job that's unstable and killing my soul, and I've been in it for a decade now. I need to pursue the PhD in order to move forward with my career, and if that means taking a big pay-cut for a while and drastically changing my personal budget and priorities, I'm all for it. Everyone else very close to me would be delighted if I don't get in, because then it means I'll stick with the job for at least another year. This is seriously how they are reacting.

Conversely, my colleagues in academia (the few who know what I'm doing) are all like, "Go for it! Yes, you are right, there is no way to further your career without that final student-y step." So I feel acutely that if I DO get accepted, I need to film one of them confirming this and show it to all the naysayers in my life.

@gingin6789 and @The Interdisciplinarian when we've settled into a routine, and/or those around us have settled into a routine, it can be difficult when that gets altered––all of a sudden, they may have to think about their own lives and futures, and what they are doing. My extended family, some of who are still Amish, think I'm the devil for wanting a PhD...I'm a woman in a man's job and it challenges, directly, their belief system. As such, decrying me for getting an education is much simpler than questioning their deep-seated values about how the world should operate. Those around us, even if they love us and we love them, may not be able to analyze why they don't want everything to change.

It is stressful whenever these kinds of things occur, but it can also be helpful for you in the long run, as you may be able to either 1) have a conversation about what happened and try to work out the issue; or 2) realize the relationship may not be ready for change, and each party go about their lives. I really hope the former happens, and that the supportive parties outweigh the negative ones.

[hippyscientist]

@gingin6789 I'm so sorry someone close to you said that, that sucks. I kinda have the opposite - my boyfriend is in the US so ALL the comments I get are "oh so you're only applying to US PhD programmes so you can be with him". The implication is not that I've done my research, looked really closely at programs, realised the US is a much better fit academically and personally for my career goals than staying here. No all I'm worth is my relationship. Sure, it would be naive to say he is not a factor (one of the reason I applied to predominantly coastal schools) but he is not the main reason.  

People can be mean! People can be really not understanding. But people can always surprise you. Take happiness in those who love and support you, and take happiness in the love and support you give yourself (now I'm living up to my username).

[Cat_Robutt]

9 minutes ago, hippyscientist said:

@gingin6789 I'm so sorry someone close to you said that, that sucks. I kinda have the opposite - my boyfriend is in the US so ALL the comments I get are "oh so you're only applying to US PhD programmes so you can be with him". The implication is not that I've done my research, looked really closely at programs, realised the US is a much better fit academically and personally for my career goals than staying here. No all I'm worth is my relationship. Sure, it would be naive to say he is not a factor (one of the reason I applied to predominantly coastal schools) but he is not the main reason.  

People can be mean! People can be really not understanding. But people can always surprise you. Take happiness in those who love and support you, and take happiness in the love and support you give yourself (now I'm living up to my username).

d'awwwwwww

[gingin6789]

Wow, thank you all for your support! @nightfarmer @Neist @Lexie16 @The Interdisciplinarian @Cat_Robutt @hippyscientist thank you all for your replies! Having this support and advice means the world to me, but I can't say I'm surprised to receive such love here! I'm also sorry to hear that so many of you are going through similar situations ... but we can support each other, right? <3

[Neist]

1 minute ago, gingin6789 said:

Wow, thank you all for your support! @nightfarmer @Neist @Lexie16 @The Interdisciplinarian @Cat_Robutt @hippyscientist thank you all for your replies! Having this support and advice means the world to me, but I can't say I'm surprised to receive such love here! I'm also sorry to hear that so many of you are going through similar situations ... but we can support each other, right? <3

I've found these forums to be incredibly supportive. I'm glad we can help!.  

Also, here's a random somewhat topical video that makes me feel good.

 

[anxietygirl]

9 hours ago, adrienned said:

I've been accepted to Cultural Studies PhD at Claremont Graduate University! I submitted on January 31st. Found out informally yesterday. 

 

Congrats!!! I go to school in Claremont (as an undergrad)! Let me know if you have any questions about the area/CGU/etc! 

Edited February 10, 2016 by anxietygirl