Finding a husband in graduate school.

[LittleDarlings]

A lot of hot chicks get free rides in life. The perks of having perks.

Not all attractive women get free rides.. I think the same can be said for attractive guys too.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Not all attractive women get free rides.. I think the same can be said for attractive guys too.

 

Pretty sure attractive guys have to buy their own drinks, last time I checked. 

[Maziana]

Pretty sure attractive guys have to buy their own drinks, last time I checked. 

 

Uh, there are way more important things than free drinks... Just saying. Although I really should stop following this thread.

[LittleDarlings]

Pretty sure attractive guys have to buy their own drinks, last time I checked.

Haha yeah you're right they do.

[DerpTastic]

I always think it's funny when some guys don't like that girls get guys to buy drinks for them.

 

This is guys buying girls drinks, not girls getting guys to buy them drinks. No one is forcing you to buy drinks for others.

 

[shortstack51]

A lot of women I know actually find it uncomfortable when men buy them drinks because it puts pressure on them. Can't tell you how many times we have to go in and "rescue" a friend from some guy at a bar who's angry because he bought her a drink or who has the wrong idea because he bought her a drink. Or if she refused the drink altogether and he won't leave her alone.

also funny to see men think women have privilege because men buy them drinks/food. Sorry for centuries of oppression and not paying you equal wages and having an entire society built that objectifies you! But none of that is really that bad compared to HAVING TO BUY DRINKS OR DINNER (a tradition that formed because women weren't allowed to have wealth back in the day, so of course the guy had to pay).

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

A lot of women I know actually find it uncomfortable when men buy them drinks because it puts pressure on them. Can't tell you how many times we have to go in and "rescue" a friend from some guy at a bar who's angry because he bought her a drink or who has the wrong idea because he bought her a drink. Or if she refused the drink altogether and he won't leave her alone.

also funny to see men think women have privilege because men buy them drinks/food. Sorry for centuries of oppression and not paying you equal wages and having an entire society built that objectifies you! But none of that is really that bad compared to HAVING TO BUY DRINKS OR DINNER (a tradition that formed because women weren't allowed to have wealth back in the day, so of course the guy had to pay).

 

The majority of the last 5-10 pages of this thread have been sarcasm so you don't need to go all Gloria Steinem on us. 

 

Regarding the drinks thing. I'm a guy who's never bought a girl a drink at a bar unless we went to the bar together. But I have seen girls get harassed at bars so I do sympathize. One thing I would say though is, a girl should have enough common sense to refuse a drink if she doesn't want to further be bothered by this guy. Accepting a drink doesn't mean you owe him the right to take you home, but you probably should at least give him the right to converse. You don't just say, "Sure, I'll take a drink," and then walk to the other side of the bar (unless you're an alcoholic on a budget). So I don't have much sympathy for girls who accept drinks and don't want to be bothered at all. I do, however, for girls who respectfully decline a drink and still get harassed. There's no excuse for that. I would say the likelihood of you getting harassed if you respectfully decline a drink is probably much less than if you accept or disrespectfully decline. 

[LittleDarlings]

All I know is I love getting a drink bought for me in a bar. If I don't have a guy buy me a drink I feel like crap when the night is over. At the same time it does suck a little because you do feel like you owe them something. I mean you spend the whole night buying me drinks then what? I don't want to have to sleep with you after:/ so I always offer to buy a round because then we are kind of equal and I don't owe you anything, or I will give them my number:) that's a good option too then at that point the ball is in their court. I have never declined a drink (and probably never will haha) and I wouldn't ever accept a drink then walk away from the person, that's just rude.

Edited January 31, 2014 by CorruptedInnocence

[sylark]

Wow, a whole conversation flowing from my stupid sexual innuedo using ride/full-ride interchangably. haha, well I guess I did say it was serious.

 

Anyway, on this whole business of purchasing drinks, I do not see the harm in just purchusing a drink as a gesture to show interest and generosity. Especially given the study of human evolutionary sciences which largely confirms that human males are the wooers of human females, not the other way around, given our "mildly polygynous" predisposition to mating. That is, women are naturally more likely to be coy given the biological investment of procreation including one of only a few produced ovas over a lifetime (which are thousands times larger than a sperm cell), pregnancy (offspring almost parasitically nourishing itself off the mother's body), greater responsibility in nourishing offspring after pregnancy (breastfeeding and protecting), and can only produce one offspring over the course of 8-10 months, whereas men can produce 30 children with practically zero investment. Women have more of a risk given their much higher inherent parental investment. For those reasons, women are USUALLY more likely to be more selective (even if having childen is not the goal of having sex). This sort of explains why women are less likely to purchase a drink for attractive men. It's up to men usually to demonstrate interest and worth to women. So, it's not all just a matter of social custom, there is also some biological reasoning as to why men tend to purchase drinks for women and not the other way around, and it should be taken as a compliment so long as the men respect the wishes of women they purchase drinks for and not be desperate creeps if women are not interested.

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

I appreciate when girls buy me drinks. And they must do it knowing nothing will come of it, since I talk about my girlfriend like she's a goddess. And you know what, maybe that's how guys should start approaching drink buying. As a friendly gesture, nothing more.

[Loric]

I don't typically go to bars, but I appreciate it when on a date a guy buys dinner, drinks, etc.. A real date, not a hookup. With a hookup I'm very happy if they pay for the hotel room! (I'm only sort of kidding..) Oh lord, I wish there wasn't a time in my life where priceline was a commonly used app on my phone. Bleh.

 

But I digress, when a guy holds the door, opens a car door, etc.. for me on a date it's sweet. General homo rule of thumbs is the older or more established person plays the chivalrous role (and older often means more established.. and being in "arts" I rarely end up being the more established person regardless of age.)

[nqwerty]

I really do want the best circumstances for my future family, I just really don't want to wait for 30 for it to happen.  It is rare where I am from to even be 25 and single with no kids.  

Is it rare where you're from for someone to have a master's degree?  That's the kind of place it sounds like to me.

[LittleDarlings]

Is it rare where you're from for someone to have a master's degree?  That's the kind of place it sounds like to me.

It is pretty rare actually. I don't think I know anyone in my graduating class who is getting a Masters a lot of them didn't finish college. I do know a few people in the classes over me who went out of state and went to law school and they are like way older than me and not married just traveling which seems cool.

[maelia8]

Goodness gracious, I can't believe there are people on this thread who are only 22 or 23 and worried about having missed the chance to find the love of their life or thinking it's time to settle down and get married/have kids in the near future. At this point in your life, your education, personal development, and the gathering of life experience should be paramount, not hurrying to commit to anything for the long term. Take the next ten years or so to go on adventures, build your career, and gain wisdom and maturity before you start making lifelong emotional and financial commitments. If you move a lot, don't worry - wherever you go, you will find someone to love, and if it's meant to last for the long term, your partner will respect the fact that you want to put your hopes and dreams first at this time in your life. As someone who has moved a lot because of career/educational pursuits (6 times in the last 10 years, twice overseas), I can confidently say that part of growing up is letting go of the desire to achieve certain things by a certain age, or trying to plan your future based on events you have no control over (like when you might meet a serious partner). 

[LittleDarlings]

Just being single in this world is so hard. I realized that with my new job so many of them are in relationships/married. It is just annoying to me. I wanted a valentine gift, candy, flowers... My dad got me flowers but so not the same. I'm just over hearing about all these happy people in relationships when I'm over here hating life

[pears]

Just being single in this world is so hard. I realized that with my new job so many of them are in relationships/married. It is just annoying to me. I wanted a valentine gift, candy, flowers... My dad got me flowers but so not the same. I'm just over hearing about all these happy people in relationships when I'm over here hating life

 

You have a father who cares enough to send you a gift, and you got accepted by every program to which you applied (and, holy whoa, that is an accomplishment worth being proud of). Happiness is a perspective and a state of mind, not a fact or state of being. I'll leave you with this:

 

[LittleDarlings]

I just came back to edit. I an very lucky and I'm happy for my new job and school. I really am, it's just hard. I hate to keep saying it and I really thought I would start working and my mind would be totally off my single status, but working made it worse lol. So I guess I just have to take it day by day. Hopefully someone soon will pop up. And thank you pears

Edited February 18, 2014 by CorruptedInnocence

[pears]

I feel ya! Although we don't see eye to eye on many things — seriously, it's funny how different 2 people who share the same age, gender, and life status (read: grad school/lolwut/help/20-something flailing) can be — you seem like a good person, so good things are bound to come your way.

[LittleDarlings]

Well thanks:)

You're in a relationship though aren't you?

I feel like so many people on here are in relationships and are my age it's weird. I just didn't think it would be THIS hard to find someone. I have been doing online dating for years and I have seen guys that I went out with meet girls and get into relationships and I'm still sitting here like... Oh. I thought a job would introduce me to new people but there aren't a ton of guys, the ones that work there are definitely not attractive and most are married. I know one guy I could potentially date (if he wanted to date me of course) who I went to college with (don't know if he is single since I haven't talked to him yet) it just shouldn't be so hard to meet people, who are single and attractive. I don't WANT to online date all the time but there aren't many options. I really hope grad school isn't like this because if so that's going to suck. No idea how I will meet anyone to date or marry.

[seeingeyeduck]

I didn't have a single relationship or date til I was 23 and then it's lasted for 7 years now. But it happened because I met a cool guy, not because I was searching high and low.

What we're trying to tell you is that it becomes obvious to guys when a girl just wants a relationship so bad that it barely matters who he is. No one is attracted to that. They'd rather feel like the other person is really into them because of compatibility and not desperation for a relationship.

Instead of trying to meet guys why no just do the things that most interest you and meet people? That's girls as well as unavailable guys. They all have larger networks. Meeting people who you like even platonically is the best way to organically meet someone you click with. They can act as a good filter, and people at your age have a lot of single friends.

[starofdawn]

/ thread

[roguesenna]

I met my SO of 4 years (in May) in Grad School for my MFA. He was also in school for a different major but happened to be taking the same class as I was. We got to know each other through the class as we were both fairly vocal in the room and it was a small class, so we stood out to each other. When I realized I was attracted to him, I made a point to support his activities outside of class. I went to his theatre production and invited him to my writing workshop group. Towards the end of the class we had all bonded and I invited everyone out to a dinner (it was a writing class so we did a fake awards ceremony at dinner that I had everyone vote on). That was our unofficial first date. So yes, it is possible to meet, fall in love with and start a serious relationship with someone in grad school. It's easier if you are both students and understand that school comes first.

 

That said, I believe my relationship with my SO worked out primarily because I had STOPPED actively looking for a relationship. I had been trying to pursue a few other guys before him, believing, much like you, that I really wanted a serious relationship and now was the time to get one. Those other attempts failed either because we were incompatible or I discovered I didn't like the guy or the guy wasn't interested in me. With my SO, I had decided to relax and let things come to me. Granted, I had to push SO a little before he finally asked me out to coffee (the dinner was part of my last-ditch effort), but if he hadn't asked me out (and had graduated and left) I would have let it roll off my back and move on. Potential partners can sense when you are desperate, and forgive me for saying so, but this all comes off as desperate. I was desperate once too. If you are relaxed and confident and happy without a relationship, that is attractive and that is what will help you when you finally notice a guy (or girl?) that you think is worthy of putting some effort into.

 

My advice is to focus on making *friendships* and doing well at your studies and becoming the best possible version of yourself that you can be. Once you have that in place, then potential partners will start noticing you and you in turn can pick and chose which ones you want.

[astroyogi]

Well thanks:)

You're in a relationship though aren't you?

I feel like so many people on here are in relationships and are my age it's weird. I just didn't think it would be THIS hard to find someone. I have been doing online dating for years and I have seen guys that I went out with meet girls and get into relationships and I'm still sitting here like... Oh. I thought a job would introduce me to new people but there aren't a ton of guys, the ones that work there are definitely not attractive and most are married. I know one guy I could potentially date (if he wanted to date me of course) who I went to college with (don't know if he is single since I haven't talked to him yet) it just shouldn't be so hard to meet people, who are single and attractive. I don't WANT to online date all the time but there aren't many options. I really hope grad school isn't like this because if so that's going to suck. No idea how I will meet anyone to date or marry.

 

 

Online dating: good for having really funny stories to tell your next SO (who you meet in real life). Bad for meeting anyone half decent.

 

As for the "no idea how you're going to meet anyone to date or marry": no one has any idea how they're going to meet anyone to date or marry. That's the beauty of life; relationships come out of the glorious blue, right when you least expect them. 

 

One thing I would say is, for the good of your future relationship, please stop wallowing in how much misery you're in because you're single. Vibes flow, and there's a very big difference between a girl trying to catch a guy's eye, and a girl with a big smile on her face because she's secure in herself and having a good day. Discover what you love about yourself and being alone, or you'll have little to share with the individual you will connect with in the future (something about two to tango). 

 

Finally, there's a big difference between school environments and work environments. I wouldn't recommend using your present circumstances as a measuring tape for your future prospects. 

[LittleDarlings]

But what if I go through school doing well and being confident and still don't meet someone? Like time is really running out. If I don't meet someone in school then what? I just don't know how to not look. I want it so much, it needs to just happen for me finally. I was a great girlfriend at one point. But ok would not looking mean that I have to delete my dating apps?

[astroyogi]

But what if I go through school doing well and being confident and still don't meet someone? Like time is really running out. If I don't meet someone in school then what? I just don't know how to not look. I want it so much, it needs to just happen for me finally. I was a great girlfriend at one point. But ok would not looking mean that I have to delete my dating apps?

 

 

I would just ask yourself realistically if your dating apps seem to have been helping a lot. 

 

As for the whole "time is really running out" bit: desperation doesn't look good on anyone. The truth of the matter is, yes, time is running out, quickly, for every single one of us....but there is SO much life left out there for you to experience, that it doesn't even matter right now. Take your days as they come. Enjoy the ins and outs of daily life and all you get to experience being here, yourself, on this planet. It's pretty special. And if you step back and get a little perspective, you might realize that the whole omghavetofindabfhavetohavekidsimgonnadiesomeonehelpmeNOW bit is a little unnecessary.

 

On "what if?": What if you meet someone, fall in love, get engaged, and they leave you on the alter? What if you leave THEM at the alter? What if you get pregnant tomorrow? What if you're single forever? What if you're unhappy in a marriage you rushed into, ten years from now? What if you're not? It's completely and utterly endless. It's hard to not have your mind race about this stuff, but consider the fact that the "what if I don't find someone?" part is just one of an infinite number of "what if?"s, none of which are ours to know, unfortunately, but I've heard that's the "fun part" of life. 

Edited February 19, 2014 by astroyogi