OBforme

I want to say I'm happy to have found this thread because I felt so alone during this whole process too. It is incredibly hard to explain to anyone in my personal life what this means, how it feels to process rejection after rejection, and how even though I have received feedback from some of the most well-regarded professors in my desired field of study, who are also Black women, I feel like an utter failure. I have always been successful at any major challenge I pursued. Now all I feel is doubt about my abilities and how could I possibly be "good enough" next cycle if I somehow found the nerve to try again.
And honestly, I am so tired of anyone telling Black women to be resilient. We are not made of stone. How much of our lives must we commit to always being told to push through, and dust yourself off and try again? That crap is exhausting when you're not, nor ever will be, at an even playing field. For those who don't feel they've ever had to face such experiences as people of color, kudos to you - but that isn't the reality for a majority of people of color. If it were there would be more people of color, especially Black and Latino in academe. 
@JustCallMeDoc, you are heard and I see you on this bumpy journey. I do hope it leads you to a point where you feel whole and affirmed in your choices.

From all of the assumptions you made in your dismissive response to my post for the OP, I provide this: I'm good luv, enjoy.

To everyone who responded in this thread so far, I commend you for your courage, resiliency, and strength.
I was diagnosed with acute PTSD, depression, & anxiety during my transition from junior to senior year at NYU; I am a trauma survivor. I took two years off to rehabilitate and learn about myself again... I will be applying to MS/Ph.D programs in Neuroscience within the upcoming year and anticipate disclosing my disability (-ies) in both my application and interviews. I'm terrified. To cope in my current day-to-day as a researcher, I try to be as honest as possible with my lab mates- i.e. after a month, I disclosed to them and my PI. Everything has been steady so far.
But my anxiety, imposter syndrome, and general fear is so overwhelming to the point of paralysis. I often spend time writing, making tea, and exploring the city (I'm from NYC) for self-care. Does it always help? No, but I have to keep trying if I want to be functioning enough if I want to work in high-stress conditions for the next 10 years.

I want to say I'm happy to have found this thread because I felt so alone during this whole process too. It is incredibly hard to explain to anyone in my personal life what this means, how it feels to process rejection after rejection, and how even though I have received feedback from some of the most well-regarded professors in my desired field of study, who are also Black women, I feel like an utter failure. I have always been successful at any major challenge I pursued. Now all I feel is doubt about my abilities and how could I possibly be "good enough" next cycle if I somehow found the nerve to try again.
And honestly, I am so tired of anyone telling Black women to be resilient. We are not made of stone. How much of our lives must we commit to always being told to push through, and dust yourself off and try again? That crap is exhausting when you're not, nor ever will be, at an even playing field. For those who don't feel they've ever had to face such experiences as people of color, kudos to you - but that isn't the reality for a majority of people of color. If it were there would be more people of color, especially Black and Latino in academe. 
@JustCallMeDoc, you are heard and I see you on this bumpy journey. I do hope it leads you to a point where you feel whole and affirmed in your choices.

ah,

I'm cheering for you! 
Also let's just ignore that person who came here to tell a woman who has found the courage to share something so vulnerable that she should just get over it. OP never let yourself be discouraged by such terrible and frustrated people. You will meet some of these along the way. I'm not American but I work on epistemological racism and I see so very well how the US can be such a toxic place for non white people to thrive. It is exhausting I know, I know. But you have come this far, don't beat yourself up, you will do go one way or another. Stay strong and soft. You don't have to be unbreakable either. 

AAAAAAAJUSTREJECTMEALREADYAAAAAAHHHHHH

the wait. The Wait. THE WAIT. THE WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT. [insert neurotic, freaking-out face emoji here, which someone really needs to make, btw]. Maybe this one: ?
Seriously, surely there are applicants who are just a flat-out NO from the get-go. My ideal world: At least do us the courtesy of cutting us loose as soon as you adcoms realize we haven't got a snowball's chance in you-know-where. I can mentally deal with the wait for a wait-list or an accept. If I wait this out and it's a rejection, I might print out my application and then set it ablaze in the firepit. ?
[Immediately checks application portal and the Grad Cafe Forums after submitting this post].

Yeah. Everyone’s like “there’s still a chance!” For the schools that haven’t notified me, but I’m also realistic that most of those schools have already accepted who they’re going to accept. I’m waiting on 6. Only one of which hasn’t released ANY decisions yet. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
That is all. Scream with me if you'd like!

Columbia University English, PhD (F19) Rejected via Website on 20 Feb 2019   20 Feb 2019 report spam *Valentina voice* This doesn't fit with my fantasy.

From all of the assumptions you made in your dismissive response to my post for the OP, I provide this: I'm good luv, enjoy.

"Academia is really just two people emailing each other "Sorry for the delayed response..." until one of them retires." - Some Internet Wit

Unfortunately, no one can answer your question for you. You need to think long and hard about what you want to do with a PhD and if it is necessary. Also, you need to ask yourself if you're ready to give up on a PhD and move on. It sucks to think about moving on, but it's something you need to face with an honest face and plenty of support. I don't mean to discourage you by saying these things, but rather these things are the questions that I needed to mull over after my two years of rejections and wait lists. In the end, I decided that one more year was worth the work and possible heartbreak. Luckily, it paid off and I was accepted this cycle.
 
First, I looked through all my old applications and sent a mock application to two professors that I admire, but more importantly, trust to give me honest and critical feedback. I'm not saying a select few professors give critical and positive feedback. Rather, I know these professors and have a collaborative and friendly relationship with them, which fosters more of a close working relationship. After they gave me feedback, I began preparing my new set of materials and sent them back to the professors for a final read over before submitting the final applications. Second, I talked with several of my closest friends about why I wanted to do a PhD. I wanted to think through whether I needed a PhD to do the work I wanted. They had some brutal comments, but those comments pushed me to reevaluate and reframe my application. Lastly, I kept in contact with several POIs and tried to develop an early working relationship with them throughout the application cycle. In fact, one of my POIs at my accepted university reached out to me after I received the decision letter and thanked me for taking his advice to heart and keeping in contact. He felt that I showed not only an in-depth knowledge of my topic, but also a willingness to work with him and develop a relationship.
I'm not sure if one thing changed my application or if it was all of them. I do know that I took a hard look at myself and decided that it was time to go all out one last time. Maybe it was the extra oomph created by giving myself only one more cycle that helped me get into a school. Or maybe it was dumb luck that I was accepted. In short, do not beat yourself down and give up right away. Take a couple months to decompress and think about whether you want to do a PhD. If you decide that it is, then come back and go at it once again.
 

Lol my thoughts exactly....waking and seeing all those damn rejections is killing my anxiety. they need to hurry up and let us know already for every department...I wish they would just get a standard decision notification date for all departments like they do with the deadlines to submit applications when we applying 

Thanks, man!  Yes, I sort of aimed high this year and things seem to be working out so far - the initial rejections stung, but the subsequent acceptances have more than made up for them.  At least I know I'm going somewhere!  All the best to you, too  

☺️

Sometimes you'll be explicitly told that you're on a waitlist and other times you won't be. A mentor told me that typically when a program has sent out acceptances and rejections, but your application status has not changed, it probably means you're on a waitlist and just haven't been told. So if you haven't heard anything it doesn't mean it's a rejection. 

For those of you who have done well on the GRE, what study materials did you use? Especially those of you who have retaken the test and done better. My old scores are expiring this year (nooooo!) and I would definitely love to improve in all areas. 
I am trying to channel my nervous energy about likely rejections into something useful, like preparing to do this all. over. again. 

I studied quantitative reasoning from Manhattan's strategy guides and the 5 lb prep book over a period of three weeks, while also solving problems from ETS' official guides and practice tests. It definitely helped since I managed to score 166 there!
As for verbal, I flipped through Magoosh flashcards once a day for almost two weeks. My score was 160, which I think could have definitely been improved with more comprehensive reading. 

I want to say I'm happy to have found this thread because I felt so alone during this whole process too. It is incredibly hard to explain to anyone in my personal life what this means, how it feels to process rejection after rejection, and how even though I have received feedback from some of the most well-regarded professors in my desired field of study, who are also Black women, I feel like an utter failure. I have always been successful at any major challenge I pursued. Now all I feel is doubt about my abilities and how could I possibly be "good enough" next cycle if I somehow found the nerve to try again.
And honestly, I am so tired of anyone telling Black women to be resilient. We are not made of stone. How much of our lives must we commit to always being told to push through, and dust yourself off and try again? That crap is exhausting when you're not, nor ever will be, at an even playing field. For those who don't feel they've ever had to face such experiences as people of color, kudos to you - but that isn't the reality for a majority of people of color. If it were there would be more people of color, especially Black and Latino in academe. 
@JustCallMeDoc, you are heard and I see you on this bumpy journey. I do hope it leads you to a point where you feel whole and affirmed in your choices.

I want to say I'm happy to have found this thread because I felt so alone during this whole process too. It is incredibly hard to explain to anyone in my personal life what this means, how it feels to process rejection after rejection, and how even though I have received feedback from some of the most well-regarded professors in my desired field of study, who are also Black women, I feel like an utter failure. I have always been successful at any major challenge I pursued. Now all I feel is doubt about my abilities and how could I possibly be "good enough" next cycle if I somehow found the nerve to try again.
And honestly, I am so tired of anyone telling Black women to be resilient. We are not made of stone. How much of our lives must we commit to always being told to push through, and dust yourself off and try again? That crap is exhausting when you're not, nor ever will be, at an even playing field. For those who don't feel they've ever had to face such experiences as people of color, kudos to you - but that isn't the reality for a majority of people of color. If it were there would be more people of color, especially Black and Latino in academe. 
@JustCallMeDoc, you are heard and I see you on this bumpy journey. I do hope it leads you to a point where you feel whole and affirmed in your choices.

From all of the assumptions you made in your dismissive response to my post for the OP, I provide this: I'm good luv, enjoy.