Wimsey Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 I don't have specific advice to offer, but I want to emphasize the importance of being honest with yourself. I believe it's crucial to ask yourself big questions, like what you really desire out of a career and relationship, and to reflect slowly and deeply, even when the answers might be challenging. Self-knowledge can be very powerful, in my experience. merry night wanderer, tinymica and grace2137 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinymica Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 On 2/20/2020 at 1:47 PM, Indecisive Poet said: Seconding others who have asked if your partner can move with you (either now or in the near future). I think the biggest factor here is how serious your relationship is (and whether or not they're willing to move is potentially a part of that). It's really easy to tell young 20-somethings not to choose love over a career and it's usually good advice. But the situation changes when that person is your life partner (or if you think they might be and have discussed this with them). At that point, it's a situation unlike anything else, really – families remain families even when they only see each other a couple times a year, but relationships don't work that way. A lot of younger people who are applying to programs right now with or without girlfriends/boyfriends will tell you to choose your career over your S/O, but this dynamic becomes much more like asking someone to never see their child again when your S/O is your partner, a part of your family. It becomes a non-option. I say all of this because I'm totally here with you: the application cycle didn't go well for my partner and I, and the most likely scenario for us now is one of us giving up academia indefinitely unless I manage to get a hold of the uber-competitive funding offered by the two British PhD programs we've been accepted to (spoiler: it's unlikely). And it's been frustrating having certain people on this forum who are rolling in the Best Luck of All Time with their admissions offers give me unsolicited advice based on where they are in their own lives. I suppose what I want to say is: this is a decision only you can make. What kind of future would you be giving up with your S/O? What is this person to you, and you to them? And, secondarily, how big of a dip in rankings are we talking? There's a big difference between 13 v. 20 and 13 v. 65. We live in a hypercapitalist and careerist country/global society that cons us into believing independence and entrepreneurship at the expense of all else are actually intrinsic human values – but they aren't. If going to a lower-ranked program would open up every other section of your life for you, it sounds like that's right for you. If you think ending this relationship would mean you being sad for a time and then getting on with things, you might need to make the tougher decision. The question really is: what will matter more in the long term? FWIW, I would kill for my decision to be as simple as choosing a program lower down the rungs. Being faced with no other option but re-applying or giving up the career has really put into perspective what I would have been willing to do if it had been that simple (although a very different decision may be what's right for you). Even still, the decision is a non-decision for me because giving up my family is not an option, but it's such a rough spot to be in. Thank you so much for your insightful reply. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We've been talking for a while about moving in together, but nothing so serious as marriage. I do love him and I'm very attached to him, but I don't feel comfortable calling him my life partner at this point in our relationship. I don't know that, if I had never applied to school and if I were planning to stay here for the next 50 years, we would stay together. It would be very painful to have to end things, but I know I would live. And rationally, I know he's not the only person in the world. I don't think I would never love again. But I don't want anyone else. I don't want to even look at anyone else. This person feels like...he's almost a part of me. He's such a good person, partner, and friend. This is the happiest, most fulfilling relationship I've ever had. I feel like I would be throwing it away if I ended it. I'm crying just thinking about it, but when I read this paragraph over again it seems obvious what I should do. As far as programs, it would be a significant dip. Like, 13 to 35. I feel I have to consider that. Thank you for your thoughts and thank you for sharing your own experience. I'm so, so sorry you're in such a difficult position. It must be frustrating to watch the goings-on in this forum from a heart-wrenching place. I wish you the very best moving forward. BetterLight13, ccab4670, alittlebitofthat and 1 other 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinymica Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 I don't want to clog up the thread with my fretting, so last post on this. Thank you to @MichelleObama @merry night wanderer @jm6394 @caffeinated applicant and @Wimsey for your offers of sympathy and your thoughts. I really appreciate everyone chatting with me about this and I have a lot to think about. While I'm glad to know I'm not alone in the career vs. relationship club, it makes me really sad to see how common a position it is for those of us pursuing academic paths. For me that just reinforces how lonely an environment it can be. Wimsey, MichelleObama, gooniesneversaydie and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caffeinated applicant Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 In other news, watching the Harvard acceptances crawl in is vaguely nauseating (will they email me?? are they done emailing?? will anyone else notify today?? I'm out if I haven't received an email yet right?? but there's another post now???), and I can't wait for February to be over! lotsoffeelings 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grace2137 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 totally feel a lot of the sentiments that have been expressed about balancing serious relationships in this process... I've yet to get an acceptance, but getting in to grad school would have me and my partner of 2 years doing long distance indefinitely (in some potential cases, within a train/driveable distance, but in other cases not.) His career will never allow him to be flexible about where he lives, and is on some level as unstable and unpredictable as academia can be. I've definitely been struggling with anxiety about potential shut out this cycle, but at the same time, knowing I wouldn't have to uproot my entire personal life and leave behind my partner and so many friends who are like family to me (or at least not yet) would be a relief. I do think I would apply again another cycle - but I also would entertain staying based in the city where we currently live and focusing on an alternative career path. things are looking all kinds of intense for me because it seems that my top choice program (which is close-by ish/potentially feasible for us as well as a dream fit for my research interests) will be the last to notify. eep. tinymica 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gooniesneversaydie Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, caffeinated applicant said: In other news, watching the Harvard acceptances crawl in is vaguely nauseating (will they email me?? are they done emailing?? will anyone else notify today?? I'm out if I haven't received an email yet right?? but there's another post now???), and I can't wait for February to be over! Amen! I can NOT wait for February to be over. Everyone said January was neverending, but good lord in heaven is this dragging. This leap year malarkey is for the birds. Deleuze, grace2137 and MichelleObama 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onerepublic96 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 No email from Harvard, and considering there are already 4 acceptances on the board... ? Now if only Princeton, Penn, and Boston could come through; and Brown, what is going on in Providence?? grace2137 and Lighthouse Lana 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inchoate-eyes Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Finally rejected from Brown! Yay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caffeinated applicant Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 hahaha no need to email brown folks! they're sending rejections as we speak! I know because I got one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ja.col Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Just got my next decision ... an official rejection from Brown ! Relieved to finally be getting some news, even bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wimsey Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Got that Brown rejection ✌️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gooniesneversaydie Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Yep. Rejection from Brown. This one definitely hurts the most. Curse words. So many curse words. Welp. Guess I'll be buying yet another cheesecake. God dammit. Lighthouse Lana and onerepublic96 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onerepublic96 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 5 minutes ago, gooniesneversaydie said: Yep. Rejection from Brown. This one definitely hurts the most. Curse words. So many curse words. Welp. Guess I'll be buying yet another cheesecake. God dammit. I’m with you on that cheesecake idea. gooniesneversaydie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lotsoffeelings Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 41 minutes ago, caffeinated applicant said: In other news, watching the Harvard acceptances crawl in is vaguely nauseating (will they email me?? are they done emailing?? will anyone else notify today?? I'm out if I haven't received an email yet right?? but there's another post now???), and I can't wait for February to be over! ^^^^ literally me rn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinymica Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Okay, where's my Brown rejection? I"m ready to join the rejection club MichelleObama and brownjournal 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BetterLight13 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Brown rejection party!! ??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MichelleObama Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) 43 minutes ago, onerepublic96 said: No email from Harvard, and considering there are already 4 acceptances on the board... ? Now if only Princeton, Penn, and Boston could come through; and Brown, what is going on in Providence?? I didn't even apply to Harvard and I'm still checking my email like I did! WHAT IS GOING ON IN PROVIDENCE I HAVE YET TO RECEIVE ANYTHING FROM THAT LACKADAISICAL REGION OF THIS WRETCHED COUNTRY IS IT MARCH YET. Is anyone else still waiting for Brown? Edited February 20, 2020 by MichelleObama brownjournal and tinymica 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brownjournal Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 @tinymica is your name toward the end of the alphabet? Mine is and my portal hasn’t been updated / haven’t gotten an email Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinymica Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, brownjournal said: @tinymica is your name toward the end of the alphabet? Mine is and my portal hasn’t been updated / haven’t gotten an email No, my last name begins with a C! So I'm very confused brownjournal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brownjournal Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 @tinymica welp okay at least we’re confused together Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foreigncorrespondent Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) All applicants waiting on Penn: it's also definitely my top choice, but I'm wondering-- isn't the stipend comparatively non-competitive? I know the stipend isn't the primary concern in getting through grad school, but I'm also really thinking about the fact that I will be moving to a whole other side of the world for this. I do not want to be financially insecure on top of all the struggles grad school will invariably bring. I'm just weighing the expected stipend of the Benjamin Franklin fellowship against my other offers, which offer around $7-10k more. I'm just trying to figure out: is ~$24k in Philly enough for a single person? How is that, versus the ~$33k I'm being offered in Evanston, Illinois? Edited February 20, 2020 by foreigncorrespondent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinymica Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 @brownjournal we're in this together, my friend brownjournal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MichelleObama Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Just now, foreigncorrespondent said: All applicants waiting on Penn: it's also definitely my top choice, but I'm wondering-- isn't the stipend comparatively non-competitive? I know the stipend isn't the primary concern in getting through grad school, but I'm also really thinking about the fact that I will be moving to a whole other side of the world for this. I do not want to be financially insecure on top of all the struggles grad school will invariably bring. I'm just weighing the expected stipend of the Benjamin Franklin fellowship against my other offers, which offer around $7-10k more. I'm jusy trying to figure out: is ~$24k in Philly enough for a single person? How is that, versus the ~$33k I'm being offered in Evanston, Illinois? There is an additional $3800 summer stipend, but it's still a surprisingly low stipend for that area, although I've never been to Philly so I have no idea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CanadianEnglish Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 @politics 'n prose and anyone else who is waiting for UNC Chapel Hill: I inquired about my status/when news would be released and the DGS wrote me a nice email about how my application is still pending because "while we have not decided to deny your application, at this moment both the admit list and the wait list are full. If from that larger pool we cannot create our incoming class, we will add your name to the waitlist." SO I gathered that since they have their acceptances/waitlists ready they should be sending out information soon. I would imagine tomorrow or early next week. If you don't hear anything, I would also assume that you are like me and are on a waiting list for the waitlist (lol what a concept). I do not know if the waitlists are by overall rank or by interest or by POI. Hope this helps! timespentreading and karamazov 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinymica Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, foreigncorrespondent said: All applicants waiting on Penn: it's also definitely my top choice, but I'm wondering-- isn't the stipend comparatively non-competitive? I know the stipend isn't the primary concern in getting through grad school, but I'm also really thinking about the fact that I will be moving to a whole other side of the world for this. I do not want to be financially insecure on top of all the struggles grad school will invariably bring. I'm just weighing the expected stipend of the Benjamin Franklin fellowship against my other offers, which offer around $7-10k more. I'm just trying to figure out: is ~$24k in Philly enough for a single person? How is that, versus the ~$33k I'm being offered in Evanston, Illinois? Have you checked out the extensive spreadsheet discussing financial packages? It considers programs' past financial offers against the COL in the programs' areas. Edit: I believe the spreadsheet is pinned in the LRC main topic. Edited February 20, 2020 by tinymica Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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