Venting Thread- Vent about anything.

[Archaeodan]

Got fired from my job last week for telling them I'm going to school this fall (which they already knew was a possibility because I told them during the interview but whatever that's fine I guess). Then, they send me an email yesterday asking if I could stay on as a consultant to train the new person on GIS...fine, ok, I wasn't planning on moving until the end of the month anyway...but now, they're having me fudge my hours (I'm paid...was paid salary so hours don't affect my pay) so they don't have to explain to the government that they have two people in the same role. Ok, fine if you want to lie to the government and normally I love a good bit of sticking it to the man, but please don't ask me to? I would like a job with the government someday and there is NO WAY I'm letting this shit job affect my chances. 

TLDR: my current employment situation is so sketchy and my bosses are having me lie to the government. Can't wait for this month to end.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Archaeodan
i'm emotional and therefore made typos

[EvieRue]

I just had an emotional breakdown in my office. Luckily my officemate already went home, so no one saw me crying my eyes out. But it certainly was challenging trying to silence my sniffling or else my professors might hear me, not that they care anyway. I've always known that grad school is hard, but I never expect it to be this hard, to the point that I'm starting to hate the very research which I was so passionate about...Life sucks...especially when you have to TA with puffy eyes in an hour

[PokePsych]

2 hours ago, EvieRue said:

I just had an emotional breakdown in my office. Luckily my officemate already went home, so no one saw me crying my eyes out. But it certainly was challenging trying to silence my sniffling or else my professors might hear me, not that they care anyway. I've always known that grad school is hard, but I never expect it to be this hard, to the point that I'm starting to hate the very research which I was so passionate about...Life sucks...especially when you have to TA with puffy eyes in an hour

*virtual hug*

[plugandsocket]

4 hours ago, EvieRue said:

I just had an emotional breakdown in my office. Luckily my officemate already went home, so no one saw me crying my eyes out. But it certainly was challenging trying to silence my sniffling or else my professors might hear me, not that they care anyway. I've always known that grad school is hard, but I never expect it to be this hard, to the point that I'm starting to hate the very research which I was so passionate about...Life sucks...especially when you have to TA with puffy eyes in an hour

If you makes you feel any better (misery loves company, right?), you're not the only one who did that today. My students definitely saw me with the "no makeup look" since what was there had definitely been washed off during the waterworks. Sending good thoughts your way. Grad school sucks sometimes. 

[Archaeodan]

I have trouble accepting that good things in my life are real. Bad things, those are normal, they happen, I deal. But good things? Nope. Can't be real. They must be lies or be taken away immediately. I'm having so much trouble accepting that I got into school and am going and am moving forward with my career. Asshole brain keeps finding reasons why this must be a bad thing. I lost my job because I'm going to school, but even if I hadn't, I'd be leaving this job soon anyway to go to school. So, really not that big of a deal, rationally. But, in my head, because grad school doesn't seem real, losing my job feels catastrophic. The bad thing is real, the good thing is a lie. But reality is that grad school is real, and losing my job is not that bad. But I can't seem to wrap my head around that. Which make me very nervous for grad school (now that I can come up with a bad, it's real...ugh) because there are disappointments and waits and highs and lows, and I can't seem to let the good things be separate and be good. I know I have depression, and I know this is just that, but UGHHHHH knowing doesn't help. Knowing why I'm like this doesn't help, though it seems like it should...nope.

(this has been a stream of conscious, thx for partaking, ttyl)   

[NotAlice]

I'm finishing my undergraduate this semester and I hate that sense of detachment that is happening.I'm a nontraditional student, so it's similar to when I know I'm leaving a job.  I'm excited about starting graduate school, but sad about this ending. Beginnings and endings often look alike, you just have to determine which way to face so it's not a sad event. I've also had a few instances where people who are part of a student organization I run have disappointed me, nothing major, just my every emotion feels so raw right now. Between grad school apps, decisions, all the things I have to finish this semester, and a part time job I took that eats all of my weekend time, I'm more than a bit stressed and overly anxious. 

I have a vacation/conference (not presenting) scheduled for right after I graduate, so I'm planning on chillin' and enjoying myself then. 

[samman1994]

Choosing between schools is turning out to be the most difficult decision of my life. There are so many factors, and the worst part is, I have all the pros and cons on a list, but I don't know what I really want. I don't know what I will want 3-4 years down the line, and I don't know which is the best choice. Every single day I go through them over and over again, trying to convince myself of one school over another, and every day I end back up to square one. It's getting to the point that I'm basically thinking of doing a coin toss and going to whichever school it lands on. It's just very frustrating and difficult. Add the fact my girlfriend is trying to transition and accept I'm basically going to be gone for 4-5 years, and this entire process went from exciting prospects to the point where I just want to coin toss and be over with it. 

[speechfan222]

I currently really dislike my job and cannot wait to leave. Even worse are my co-workers. I spoke with my boss a few weeks ago about some concerns I was having and she seemed concerned. Now it's a few weeks later, nothing was done, and it seems to be getting worse. I work for a large company with several individuals in the corporate and HR section. Should I reach out to the regional direction (the boss of my boss) or confront my boss again hoping something will actually get done this time? 

There seems to be issues with communication throughout my boss and my coworkers, I seem to be receiving a lot of attitude lately, things are a little unfair, and I just don't feel appreciated there. I cannot WAIT to leave. 

Suggestions? Comments? Tips? Thanks! 

[MadasaHattress]

Currently still an undergrad but working towards graduate school. I've been living in a student apartment for a few years now and my family has always helped me with the rent and school. We're nearing the end of my final year and I'm faced with a choice between moving to a new place but with me having to pay for everything now or moving back home. It's stressful because things are tense right now back home and I know it's not everyones cup of tea to move back home with mom and dad. I still have a few months left but the rent rates around me are high at least for a college undergrad with no degree as of yet and I guess this is just too much.

[PokePsych]

17 hours ago, MadasaHattress said:

Currently still an undergrad but working towards graduate school. I've been living in a student apartment for a few years now and my family has always helped me with the rent and school. We're nearing the end of my final year and I'm faced with a choice between moving to a new place but with me having to pay for everything now or moving back home. It's stressful because things are tense right now back home and I know it's not everyones cup of tea to move back home with mom and dad. I still have a few months left but the rent rates around me are high at least for a college undergrad with no degree as of yet and I guess this is just too much.

This is why I ended up moving even to a different country :')

[wheresmysnow]

9 hours ago, Psygeek said:

This is why I ended up moving even to a different country :')

Ditto!

[PokePsych]

7 minutes ago, wheresmysnow said:

Ditto!

Where you from and where did you go? I'm from Amsterdam NL but am now in Seoul Korea

[wheresmysnow]

4 minutes ago, Psygeek said:

Where you from and where did you go? I'm from Amsterdam NL but am now in Seoul Korea

I'm from the US, most recently lived in the SW of the country. After graduation, I moved to Kazakhstan and have been here for about 2.5 years. 

[Carly Rae Jepsen]

This sounds stupid (and it is) but I am having a panic attack at the idea of even sending an email telling a program I am not attending. I feel so bad. I'll have to say no to 4 schools and it feels awful to do it.

[ClassyBrat420]

22 minutes ago, Carly Rae Jepsen said:

This sounds stupid (and it is) but I am having a panic attack at the idea of even sending an email telling a program I am not attending. I feel so bad. I'll have to say no to 4 schools and it feels awful to do it.

It's not stupid, because panic is real and I know what that's like. I'm not trying to minimize your experience, but offer comfort if it helps to hear this: you can rest assured that declining is not going to hurt anyone's feelings, and there's no reason (other than the realness of anxiety) to feel guilty. In fact, you declining is good news, because the schools can cross you off their lists and offer those spots to other people who are prolly anxious as hell on the waitlist (like myself). You could even post in one of the waitlist threads which spots you declined, so that the people watching those spots can jump for joy at their chances increasing.

[Carly Rae Jepsen]

1 hour ago, ClassyBrat420 said:

It's not stupid, because panic is real and I know what that's like. I'm not trying to minimize your experience, but offer comfort if it helps to hear this: you can rest assured that declining is not going to hurt anyone's feelings, and there's no reason (other than the realness of anxiety) to feel guilty. In fact, you declining is good news, because the schools can cross you off their lists and offer those spots to other people who are prolly anxious as hell on the waitlist (like myself). You could even post in one of the waitlist threads which spots you declined, so that the people watching those spots can jump for joy at their chances increasing.

Thank you. You're right: I'll make it a goal to do it tomorrow.

[PokePsych]

1 hour ago, Carly Rae Jepsen said:

This sounds stupid (and it is) but I am having a panic attack at the idea of even sending an email telling a program I am not attending. I feel so bad. I'll have to say no to 4 schools and it feels awful to do it.

This - and its not even because I have another offer, but it's just because I don't feel like its a good fit at this point in my life.

[zaeta266]

I am attending a top tier PhD program, which of course I'm very happy about, but I'm also scared out of my mind. I'm terrified I won't be good enough, that I'll struggle my way through it, that it'll be so much work I won't have a life outside of it, and just overall that it'll make me miserable. I say I'm happy about it but in reality I think I may be more anxious than truly happy. I also feel guilt for not feeling or expressing more excitement. People around me seem to be more excited, happier, prouder about it than I am. I should at least enjoy this moment of "I'm doing a PhD at X university!" before I actually start and it gets hard, but most of the time it just feels unreal. People say impostor's syndrome is very common in graduate school, but I haven't even started my classes yet and I'm already drowning in it, it's not letting me enjoy this success. So yeah, I'm just overall terrified. Apologies for the ranty stream of consciousness.

[DT96]

6 hours ago, zaeta266 said:

I am attending a top tier PhD program, which of course I'm very happy about, but I'm also scared out of my mind. I'm terrified I won't be good enough, that I'll struggle my way through it, that it'll be so much work I won't have a life outside of it, and just overall that it'll make me miserable. I say I'm happy about it but in reality I think I may be more anxious than truly happy. I also feel guilt for not feeling or expressing more excitement. People around me seem to be more excited, happier, prouder about it than I am. I should at least enjoy this moment of "I'm doing a PhD at X university!" before I actually start and it gets hard, but most of the time it just feels unreal. People say impostor's syndrome is very common in graduate school, but I haven't even started my classes yet and I'm already drowning in it, it's not letting me enjoy this success. So yeah, I'm just overall terrified. Apologies for the ranty stream of consciousness.

Imposter's syndrome is definitely a real thing, and can be coupled with feelings of anxiety pretty easily. Especially if you're going somewhere you've never lived before, where you may not know many (or any) people. I don't think you would've applied to PhD programs if you weren't seriously interested in what you're studying -- even if you start the program with that only, you will build up the confidence needed. I hope the school and program is a good fit for you. While there are obviously major differences between an MA and a PhD, a very large reason as to how I remained sane during my first year of grad-level coursework had to do with my colleagues and also the profs -- expectations were high, but they were down to earth and more than willing to help. 

Also, I am not making any judgments, assessments, or assumptions, just wanting to put a friendly reminder out there: if this continues and you feel like it might be helpful, there's absolutely nothing wrong in utilizing your school's counseling services. Even just to test it out. The annoying thing with counseling services (in my opinion, of course) is that you go make an appointment when you really need it, and by the time your appointment comes around you're no longer feeling it's all that necessary. I still went, though, and I still found it very helpful.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you only the best! 

[PokePsych]

19 hours ago, zaeta266 said:

I am attending a top tier PhD program, which of course I'm very happy about, but I'm also scared out of my mind. I'm terrified I won't be good enough, that I'll struggle my way through it, that it'll be so much work I won't have a life outside of it, and just overall that it'll make me miserable. I say I'm happy about it but in reality I think I may be more anxious than truly happy. I also feel guilt for not feeling or expressing more excitement. People around me seem to be more excited, happier, prouder about it than I am. I should at least enjoy this moment of "I'm doing a PhD at X university!" before I actually start and it gets hard, but most of the time it just feels unreal. People say impostor's syndrome is very common in graduate school, but I haven't even started my classes yet and I'm already drowning in it, it's not letting me enjoy this success. So yeah, I'm just overall terrified. Apologies for the ranty stream of consciousness.

I actually spoke about this with some grad students during some talk I had with them. First, don't expect professors, classmates, etc. to think that you know all - you come there to learn, that's the goal of a PhD. It's OK to say you don't know something, or you're not familiar with something - you're not expected to be an expert in your fiel dyet. You've been selected on your potential and passion for a field. For me, it just helps to think about it as a learning opportunity, nothing more nothing less. My PhD is an ability to grow in an area I love and I just want to surround me with the right people that will help me to grow as a researcher. All the profs started out in the same position as you. Most other grad students have felt probably the same as you (except for the overconfident ones).

[PokePsych]

i got to the conclusion i didnt make it into a phd but also that ive been chasing the wrong topic through my only interview (the only fruitful outcome of this process). On top of that i unexpectedly lost my job. Im in a country not my own far away from most of my friends and i hate everything today. I dont know how to proceed. Fml.

[theprincessleia]

On 3/20/2018 at 4:04 AM, zaeta266 said:

I am attending a top tier PhD program, which of course I'm very happy about, but I'm also scared out of my mind. I'm terrified I won't be good enough, that I'll struggle my way through it, that it'll be so much work I won't have a life outside of it, and just overall that it'll make me miserable. I say I'm happy about it but in reality I think I may be more anxious than truly happy. I also feel guilt for not feeling or expressing more excitement. People around me seem to be more excited, happier, prouder about it than I am. I should at least enjoy this moment of "I'm doing a PhD at X university!" before I actually start and it gets hard, but most of the time it just feels unreal. People say impostor's syndrome is very common in graduate school, but I haven't even started my classes yet and I'm already drowning in it, it's not letting me enjoy this success. So yeah, I'm just overall terrified. Apologies for the ranty stream of consciousness.

I feel the same way. I took time off to work after my undergrad since I graduated a year early because, I thought that I could gain some more research experience and professional development (which I did, to an extent) and I thought it would make me feel more ready (whatever that means) but, I think I'm more terrified now since I was actually accepted to one of my top choices. It feels so unreal. I have this awful fear that I'll get one of those calls that my acceptance was a mistake. 

Though, with a campus visit coming up soon, my acceptance feels more and more real. I am also terrified that I won't be good enough or that I'll be a disappointment. I'll also be moving away to another state that I've never been to (yet), where I don't have any family or friends. I've never been in that situation before and even though I haven't even left yet, I already feel so alone. I am so excited to start but at the same time, I am so afraid. 

[Carly Rae Jepsen]

I was doing so well today, very upbeat and stuff and someone just took all their negative energy into me and I feel awful now. I don't like when people are mean to me because they're having a shit day. I don't like living here and I can't wait to move.

[mockturtle]

Got an RA position in my absolute dream lab last fall, planned to apply to grad school this year with all the ~new insight and experience~ I'd supposedly have gained by this point... and right now I'm still struggling to get even the most basic introduction to the lab's research methods, like any training whatsoever, much less a project of my own to sink my teeth into. I was warned by multiple people that this lab's environment was crazy, so maybe I don't get to complain, but didn't think it would amount to having to beg and plead to be given the opportunity to do any research. For the first time in my life I'm underworked and somehow it's 100x worse than the alternative. Half-seriously wishing I could drop it all, become a park ranger, and go live in a shack in the woods (at least I'd have a pretty view while I wasted my time).

[Adelaide9216]

I have zero motivation today.